The Most Beautiful Widow
by fitterhappier
Summary: After losing her husband, Bella moves back to Forks, but not before learning something that will change her life forever. When she meets Edward Cullen, she must fight against the guilt that threatens to keep her from the love she deserves. AH. M.
1. It's a sad and beautiful world

This story is in Bella POV but there may be some Edward POV as the story progresses.

It will not always be sad either. There will be ups and downs and all arounds including eventual lemony goodness.

Chapters will be of various lengths.

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.

Thank you for reading. (PS - I have not abandoned my other fics. They will still be updated and finished. I just needed to get this idea out or I'd keep procrastinating over it)

* * *

**It's a Sad and Beautiful World**

Sometimes I get so sad,  
Sometimes you just make me mad

from _It's a Sad and Beautiful World_, by Sparklehorse

_That should be it._

The packed shelves and narrow aisles provided a claustrophobic feeling of comfort and safety, like a child in a womb. It filled me with a fleeting sense of control to stroll up and down each one, taking a careful amount of time reading the ingredients on products I had no intention of buying.

Anything to pass the time.

The vibration of my cell phone jerked me out of my fog. I flipped it open and held it to my ear without checking the caller ID.

"Hullo?"

"Honey? It's mom. Where are you?" She sounded panicked.

"I'm at the drug store picking up some last minute things," I mumbled, dropping my basket on the check-out counter.

"Oh," she let out an audible sigh of relief. "Are you coming back?"

"Huh? Of course I'm coming back. Why wouldn't I come back?"

"Oh. I don't know. Phil and I...we thought...well, we were worried that you might..."

"That I might what? Run away?" _Just come out and say it_, I muttered to myself. _It's what you're all thinking._

"Nevermind, as long as you're alright."

"I'm fine."

"I've ironed your dress and put out your shoes. Everything is ready."

"Thanks." I handed my debit card to the cashier.

"I love you, sweetie. We'll get through this. Don't you worry about a thing. Mommy's here."

"I know, mom. Thanks. I love you too," I said sincerely, taking my bag off the counter and walking through the sliding doors to the parking lot. It was sunny and warm and I pulled my sunglasses from the top of my head. I'm never without sunglasses. Phoenix sun is merciless.

"Your father's plane landed about an hour ago," she continued to ramble on.

"Uh huh." I stuck my key in the ignition and started the truck. The AC was busted so I rolled the windows all the way down in a desperate attempt to get some circulation going. I was already sweating from being outside for all of twenty seconds.

"He came over to see you, but you were gone. That's when I got worried. He's over at Bill-" she stopped abruptly and I switched on the radio. I knew what she was about to say anyway. "-at the house with Harry and Leah Clearwater."

I forced the truck into reverse and slammed on the gas. "I'll be home in fifteen minutes."

The driveway leading to my house was packed with cars when I pulled up moments later. Some I recognized, some I didn't. The dread that had been hanging over my head since 5am this morning was threatening to suffocate me and I took another loop around the block to give myself a few extra minutes alone before I had to face them.

Before I opened the car door I took a deep breath and checked my reflection in the rear view mirror. No make-up, pale skin, dark eyes with tired circles underneath, long shiny brown hair pulled away from my face in a disheveled ponytail. Pretty standard Bella Swan chic.

I grabbed my bags out of the passenger seat, jumped out of the truck, and headed up the driveway. The sound of my flip-flops echoed through the yard and I wish I'd worn a skirt instead of shorts.

I've lived in this two-story stucco house with my mother since I was fifteen - after she and my father divorced and we moved to Phoenix, Arizona from Forks, Washington.

Renee was always impetuous, like a fire-cracker live on earth, with the wiry red hair and filthy mouth to prove it. It's amazing she lasted in rainy, gray Forks for as long as she did. It's even more amazing that she and Charlie got married in the first place. (They swore I was a "surprise", _not_ a "mistake"). Don't get me wrong, my dad is one handsome devil, but I could never figure out exactly what they saw in each other. They never fought or yelled or made me feel uncomfortable when they were in a room together. Maybe that was because they were rarely together. My dad is the Chief of Police and spends most of his time on duty, or fishing, or watching "the game". Renee is what you would call a "people person". And in Forks, well, there's not that many people. Her interests did not lie in swapping stories and recipes with the other homeroom mothers. She preferred wine-tastings and roller coasters, and eventually she had enough of being stuck. There was no argument, no begging. I wasn't consulted or asked where I wanted to go. My things were packed and waiting for me when I came home from my second day of freshman year at Forks High.

"It's better this way, sweetie. You'll see. A new beginning. A fresh start for us both."

I wasn't aware that I needed a fresh start but there was no point in having a tantrum or making a fuss. Once Renee had her mind set on something, there was nothing that could sway her decision.

"You'll see your father all the time."

Um, ok. I guess _How_ would be a dumb question...

"Don't judge me, Isabella. You don't know what it's like. You're so young. You still have time to get it right. Learn from this and don't make the same mistakes as me," she warned as the taxi took us away through town for the last time together. What does a fifteen year old girl say to something like that? Was _I _the mistake? Or was it the life she led with my father? Or all her decisions that got her to the point that forced her to flee? Why didn't she just leave me behind? Was it guilt or some phony sense of responsibility? I didn't ask then and haven't since. I never wanted to know the answer.

She met Phil soon after we arrived and settled in and she started going out with her new "friends" while I was home studying. And three years ago she and my new step-dad moved to Jacksonville. By then I had a full time job and a degree and a serious boyfriend, so out of obligation and to have one less thing to worry about, she put the house in my name. Phil was a minor league baseball player about to go pro and money would soon be the least of their worries.

Renee was waiting for me on the front porch and she wrapped me in her arms as soon as I reached the top of the steps.

"Hi baby," she whispered into my hair. She smelled nice. Like lavender and summer rain.

"Your dress is pretty," I said, putting my head on her shoulder. We rocked in place and she smoothed her hand down my back in that soothing motherly way that could bring an inmate to tears.

"Everyone's waiting inside. Go upstairs and get ready. We'll ride in the car with your father."

I nodded obediently and trotted up the stairs to the second floor before anyone noticed me.

Renee had my clothes laid out on the bed in the spare room, which is where I'd been sleeping for the past few days. She and Phil were staying at a fancy hotel in town. It was too weird for them to sleep in the house with me, and I suppose I could understand why. It was too weird for _me_ to stay here after what happened, but what choice did I have?

I dropped the plastic bag from the pharmacy on the bed and quickly threw the one-piece cotton dress over my head. I pulled my arms through the long sleeves and straightened it down my body. It hugged my curves demurely and fell just below my knees.

_That's an appropriate length_, I assumed.

I slipped on my favorite sterling silver bracelet with the large aquamarine jewel in the center. A twenty-first birthday present from Jake. It clung perfectly to my wrist and I admired it's beauty in the light.

_That should be allowed, right?_ I thought to myself. _No harm in a tiny splash of color_.

I slid my feet into dainty ballet flats and took a quick look at myself in the full length mirror for the last minute decision on what to do with my hair.

_Up?_ Too casual.

_Down?_ Too formal.

_Half up, half down with a headband?_ That should do it.

No make-up, just a brush of light pink gloss over my lips. I silently thanked God, if he existed, for my naturally long lashes and blemish-free skin. I grabbed my small clutch purse and stopped at the foot of the stairs. The hum of muted voices came from the first floor. I wondered if Renee was serving those small sandwiches she liked to make for every occasion. Or did that part come later? I'd never done anything like this before. I didn't know the steps or the etiquette or what was expected of me.

I just wanted it to be all over so I could take a pill and crawl back into bed.

My father approached me, tentatively at first, his shoulders relaxing when he saw that I wasn't going to fall apart or fly into hysterics.

His eyes were red and puffy. He'd been crying too. The only other time I had ever seen my father cry was through the window of the cab as it pulled away from our house in Forks, leaving him alone on the porch waving goodbye to his only child and soon-to-be ex-wife.

"Hey, Bells," he said in a low voice. He took his hands from the pockets of his only pair of dress slacks and reached for me.

"Hi, dad," I answered with a stiff upper lip. He pulled me into an awkward hug and I immediately melted. There's a wounded comfort to be found in my father's arms. He smelled like Canoe after-shave and that manly pomade crap he uses in his hair and mustache.

"You look beautiful," he whispered in my ear, and it was those words that brought the first tears of the day to my eyes. I hugged him tight and nuzzled my face into his chest.

"You look really handsome, too, dad," I whimpered. "I'm so sorry about..._about_..." My throat constricted and the sentence stuck in my throat like glue.

We stood in the middle of the living room with people all around swaying to our own gentle rhythm until a voice finally said softly, "Charlie, Bella, it's time."

* * *

I held Charlie's hand as the procession walked across the lush green grass of the Greenwood Memory Lawn Cemetery, through the rows of monuments and memorials, towards our destination.

"You're doing great, kiddo," he said low enough for only me to hear. I squeezed his hand and kept my eyes straight ahead. There wasn't a cloud in the clear blue sky and the heat had yet to become oppressive even when dressed in black from head to toe. There was a light wind that took the hair from the back of my neck and lifted it, allowing a cool breeze to dry the sheen of sweat forming across my skin.

Our group stopped and surrounded the tombstones that rested side by side along with their bodies and that's when reality hit me like a sledgehammer to my temple.

This was really happening.

_Jacob Black_

_February 11, 1983 – April 15, 2010_

_William "Billy" Black_

_January 17, 1948 – April 15, 2010_

Without warning and to the shock of those around me, I fell to my knees and traced my fingers over the engravings. The stone was emotionless and unyielding, the exact opposite of my heart, which was full and boiling over. My palms to the warm ground, I braced the weight of my body on my shaking arms and wept in a way that I hadn't done since I first got the call that there had been an accident.

_He's not coming back._

It was a fact that I knew to be true but I hadn't let myself believe it until that moment. I still expected the front door to open and Jake to appear with a case of beer in one hand and a pizza in the other and he'd kiss me on the cheek like he always did and we'd sit on the couch and eat and drink and laugh.

My chest ached with the force of my gut-wrenching sobs. I gasped for air in giant panting breaths and whimpered unintelligible sentence fragments. Someone rubbed my back and pulled my hair off my face. Hands were trying to pry my fingers out of the dirt that covered the freshly dug graves.

"Easy now, Bella love. Take a deep breath."

It was Leah Clearwater's voice in my ear. She meant well but she was only making it worse. I pushed her away with my shoulder and dug my fingers in deeper.

"Mrs. Black?" came the patient voice of the officiant who would be performing the service. "Would you like some water?"

I looked up into his serene face and opened my mouth. What was intended to be a rational sentence, instead came out like a shriek from a mental patient.

"That's my husband under there!" I screamed. "_Whyyyy? Someone tell me why!"_

It was a question with an unacceptable answer.

_There was an accident. _

"Come on, let's get you inside." Leah tried to pull me up but I wouldn't budge. "She shouldn't be out here like this, Embry," I heard her say to Jake's cousin. "It's too soon."

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

Someone strong started lifting me up against my will and I screamed for them to put me down. I kicked and fought and thrashed and when I was finally on my feet I quieted down as quickly as I had begun. Behavior of this sort was completely out of character for me and I knew I was scaring those around me who were as equally distraught as I was.

They were all just _standing_ there, _staring_ at me. Charlie. Renee and Phil. Jared, Paul, and Embry Call. Sam Uley. Emily Young. Harry and Leah Clearwater. What were they holding in their eyes for me? Next to their own anguish was a separate pain in the shape of young love too new to ever know fruition.

_Husband. _

_Father-in-law. _

_Friends. _

Gone.

"I'm sorry everyone, I'm so sorry," I repeated robotically, unable to make eye contact with anyone. I smoothed my hands down the front of my dress and picked at the clumps of grass and dirt under my nails. I tasted dirt in my mouth. There were scrapes on my knees and my legs were trembling. "I'm sorry I ruined this."

"It's ok, Bella," Sam said. "You didn't ruin anything."

"You don't have to be strong today, sweetie," said my mom at my side.

"Come on, Bells. I'll take you inside. You can sit this part out. You've been through enough."

"No!" I yelled wildly and my father recoiled. I took a deep breath and stuck out my chin. "I'm fine. I want to stay."

Once everyone felt confident that the scene was over, the graveside service began and I stood numb; embarrassed by my outburst in the dirt. The caskets had been lowered in a gesture of sensitivity before we arrived. Jake and Billy were Quileute Native Americans. Jake attended the Quileute Tribal School in LaPush, Washington – a coincidence that made us instant friends the moment we met - and since neither of them had a burial plan, the decision was made to honor their lives and lay them to rest in a cemetery open to all faiths and cultures. There was no wake or church service. No spectacle. No forced religion. Just quiet remembrance and mourning for Billy and Jacob Black, aged sixty-two and twenty-seven.

"Mrs. Black? You wanted to say a few words?" the officiant asked politely. I hadn't realized he finished.

"I, uh, yes, yes, thank you."

I switched places with the nice man in the nice suit and stood at the makeshift podium set up in front of the headstones. I reached into my purse and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Unable to look out at the small crowd, I furrowed my brow and concentrated on the words on the page.

"This, um, this is a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye, and I think for those who knew Jake that it fits his personality perfectly. He was such a happy person and he loved us all so much. I know he wouldn't want to see us fall apart. He would want us to go on, to remember him fondly, to laugh at the memories, even as we stand over his grave."

I brushed the tears away and smiled.

"He and Billy were the same in that way."

I cleared my throat and unfolded the paper.

_I won't mess this up, Jake. I promise. I'm going to get it right...for you._

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glint on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,  
I am the swift, uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circling flight.  
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.  
I am not there, I do not sleep.  
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.  
I am not there, I did not die!)"

My voice broke as I spoke over the whimpered cries coming from my audience. When I had finished, I placed the folded page back in my purse, stepped off the podium and retook my spot in between my parents. My mouth was dry and I tasted the stale taste of vomit at the back of my throat.

Paul stood and spoke next. He kept it light – sweet anecdotes and charming stories about growing up and going to school with Jake and the mischievous antics they would get up to. Then Harry Clearwater spoke candidly about Billy and their falling out ten years ago – over what he didn't say – but he expressed his relief and gratitude that they made up before he was taken from us. It was a moving tribute to one of his closest friends and my father and Harry hugged after he was done.

The officiant said a few last words and we placed flowers on the headstones before saying our final goodbyes. I lingered at the graves while everyone loaded into the cars. Birds flittered overhead and made pleasant chirping noises.

"We have to head back to the house for brunch, Jakey. Renee made those small sandwiches that you like, and tomorrow I'll make sure to take the truck in for servicing. Don't worry. I won't forget. I'll take care of everything. You said the tires were good... so... I won't-" Choke built in my throat and each word threatened to strangle me.

I turned to Billy's stone and made it short and sweet, just like he was.

"Bye, Billy Manilli," I swallowed thickly. "Take care of my Jake up there, just like you always did down here. ...I love you both and I'll miss you."

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**Please review.**


	2. Down in a hole

Thanks to those of you who have favorited, followed, and reviewed.

I do not own Twilight

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**Down in a Hole**

Bury me softly in this womb  
I give this part of me for you  
Sand rains down and here I sit  
Holding rare flowers  
In a tomb...in bloom

from _Down in a Hole_, by Alice in Chains

After everyone said their teary goodbyes and hugged and promised to call, I helped Renee clear the dishes and wrap up the leftovers.

"Take them with you, mom," I said, pushing the containers across the table. "Take them back to the hotel. Give them to Phil."

"Honey," she protested.

I held up my hand. "Why would I want more reminders of today every time I open the fridge? Please. Take them."

She consented and packed the containers wrapped in foil into a paper shopping bag. She left reluctantly, asking over and over if I wanted her to stay, if I wanted to stay with them at their hotel, if I wanted to stay at the Clearwater's with my father. I insisted I was fine. I wanted to stay in my own home.

I stood on the porch and silently waved to her and Phil as they pulled out of the driveway. Once the dust cloud settled, I went back into the house and closed the door behind me.

And there was no sound.

My black shoes dangled from my fingers as my bare feet shuffled down the front hall. The walls and rooms had suddenly grown foreign to me. My stomach clenched and panicked as I tried to find something familiar, something I recognized.

Maybe I didn't belong here anymore after all.

I found myself in the living room with no recollection of how I got there. Plopping down on the couch I stared at the wall in front of me. It was covered in photos hanging haphazardly in frames of all shapes and sizes. Endless family get-togethers, Christmas in front of the tree. Renee and Phil at the Grand Canyon. Me and Charlie in front of the Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas.

And then there were the wedding photos. Jake holding me in his arms as I gripped onto him for support with my tiny bouquet of daisies. He wore jeans and a button down. I wore a flowy skirt and tank top.

We looked happy and I tried to remember back to that day - it wasn't all that long ago, a little over a year - in the hopes that I could get back the carefree feeling it looked like I had. I tried to put myself back in the picture, to relive the moment. I contorted my face into the face I was making in the picture but I couldn't recreate the smile. Anyone looking through the window at that exact moment would think I had officially gone insane. _Why is Bella sitting alone on the couch making weird faces? She's lost it_.

I _had_ lost it. Whatever_ it _was.

Curling into a tight ball, I cried silent tears into the cushions. Tomorrow was Monday. I'd been granted as much bereavement leave from my job as I felt necessary. Per the company's corporate policy, the loss of a grandparent, cousin, aunt, or uncle allowed you two paid bereavement days; the loss of a parent, sibling, or spouse allowed you three. The loss of your husband and father-in-law to a head on collision with a tractor trailer allowed you as much time as you needed.

Afternoon turned to night and on the couch I remained. I cried myself to sleep and awake a dozen times but nothing changed when I rubbed open my eyes. The tears hadn't brought him back and I couldn't recreate in my dreams the feeling I supposedly had in any of the photos that looked down at me.

I reached for the remote on the coffee table and turned on the television. 'An Affair to Remember' was on cable and I turned up the volume.

_Terry McKay: I'm getting married and I want you to be the first to congratulate me. _

_NYC cab driver: Marriage is something to rush to? _

Jake hated old movies. He'd be yawning before the opening credits were over and then begin whining endlessly about missing the Cardinal's game. But _I_ loved them. Jimmy Stewart was my favorite actor of all time. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington? Swoon-worthy indeed. And don't even get me started on It's a Wonderful Life.

It was after 10pm by the time the movie ended and I was stiff from lying in the same position for more than eight hours straight. I dragged ass off the couch, turned off the TV, shut the lights, and locked the front door.

There it was. That damn quiet again.

I headed upstairs and walked quickly past the master bedroom without looking in. I didn't have the strength to face that room just yet.

Something led me into the bathroom.

_Maybe a long, hot bath._

I ran the water and filled the clawfoot bathtub with suds and salts. I stripped down to nothing, avoiding looking at my reflection in the mirror, and dipped my toe in to test the temperature. It was warm and soothing. I sank down until the suds reached my chin, then I stretched out my legs and closed my eyes.

The silence was pressing on my forehead with the weight of a thousand elephants. It was relentless, like it was trying to force a reaction out of me, and finally it did. I blurted out a whimper that bubbled into the water and faded but provided no relief. There had to be release somewhere. The tension was leaving my muscles but my brain wouldn't shut off. Memories buzzed inside and spun behind my tightly shut lids. _Leave me alone, _I pleaded with them. Jacob's footsteps sounded down the hallway. _Bella! I'm home!_ I slid further in the tub until the water covered my upper lip and poured into my ears. _Go away. You're not real_. The footsteps stopped, but the memories continued their merciless assault on my senses. The smell of beer and burnt popcorn filled my nostrils. _Want some, Bellyache? Could you grab me a beer? The game is on. The guys are coming over. You don't mind, do you?_

_Turn it off turn it off turn it off_, I cried silently into the soapy darkness.

What would it take to turn it off forever?

It could all be over soon if I wanted it to be. I could do it on my own.

I took a deep breath through my nose and and gripped the sides of the tub. Holding my breath I pulled myself under the water until I was fully submerged. The weight of my hair floated to the surface and fanned out over my head. My arms floated lifelessly at my sides.

I started counting. I had no idea how long it would take for me to pass out, but I knew I eventually would. And that's when my lungs would attempt to take in oxygen against my will. And that's when they would fill with water. And that's when I would drown.

It was almost too easy.

I kept counting. My heart pounded in my chest, warning me that too much carbon dioxide was accumulating and I would soon be poisoned. I clenched my jaw, grinded my teeth together and pursed my lips into a straight line to avoid gasping for air.

Blood pounded in my temples.

My ears started ringing a warning bell.

I'd lost count of how many seconds had passed. My feet began to kick involuntarily.

_No. _

This was wrong.

I wanted to breathe.

I wanted to feel the whoosh of air in my lungs.

I wanted to watch It's a Wonderful Life for the millionth time._  
_

_No. _

_I can't do this. _

_I'm sorry, Jake. I can't come with you. _

_I want to live._

I placed my palms on the bottom of the tub and pushed upwards towards the surface.

The moment I broke through my mouth opened wide and began gulping in the delicious air. Water poured down my face and I coughed and panted and cursed and screamed at the top of my lungs. Stars pounded in my eyes and I bellowed _NO!_ into the empty room until my voice went hoarse.

* * *

The shrill sound of the doorbell sent my stomach into a nauseous roll. I pulled the comforter over my head and buried my face in the pillow. It was still slightly damp from having my wet hair matted to it all night.

The doorbell rang again.

I looked at the digital clock on the bedside table.

10:17am

Had I really slept that late?

My stomach rolled again and acidic liquid surged up my esophagus. I swallowed the bile down and pulled my knees to my chin.

_If I stay quiet and still maybe they'll go away._

I opened my eyes and looked at the clock again.

10:32am

By the time my stomach had calmed, I desperately needed to pee. I slid out of bed into my oversize terry-cloth bathrobe and padded down the hall.

I wasn't in the mood to talk or in the frame of mind for visitors. Their smiling sad faces made me want to puke my guts up. I'd been letting all calls go to voicemail since the brunch three days ago. There wasn't anything left to say. How many more times could I say _thank you for your kind words_?

I pulled back the curtain on the front door but no on was there. I twisted the knob and opened it. There at my feet was an enormous arrangement of exotic flowers and baby's breath in a gorgeous mosaic vase. The fragrant scent assaulted my already fragile senses.

Such beauty and detail screamed Miss Mary Alice Brandon.

The small card simple and sweet and written in her delicate script confirmed it.

_Dear Bella,_

_I love you. You're prettier than these flowers.  
_

_Alice_

Alice had a knack for saying just the right thing.

I lugged the five hundred pound arrangement through the house miraculously without dropping it and set it on the kitchen table. After a steaming mug of tea and a piece of toast, I trudged upstairs and crawled back into bed.

The sound of voices filtering from the first floor leaked into my sleep and mingled with my dreams until I had to force myself awake. I descended the stairs silently and tip-toed to the kitchen doorway where the hushed female voices were deep in conversation.

"...handling it all very well considering..."

"...too well..."

"...so young...denial...breakdown.."

Then a man's voice, clearer.

"I wouldn't underestimate her. She's strong. This has been devastating for everyone, but there is a resilience in the young that us older folks do not enjoy."

To that end I entered the kitchen with my head held high. I felt stupid standing in the hallway eavesdropping like a child.

"Bella, there you are," my mother beamed. I forgot she still had keys to the house. Leah Clearwater was also there, standing at the sink. Sitting at the table was a man dressed in a simple black suit and tie. he looked vaguely familiar.

"Hi, Bella," Leah smiled sadly.

"You remember Pastor Templeton? From Memory Lawn?" my mother asked.

"Hello," I smiled and extended my hand. "I never thanked you for the wonderful service. You were very kind. It was lovely."

He seemed genuinely flattered by my compliment. "Thank you, Mrs. Black. It means the world to me to be able to provide comfort during difficult times."

"Which is also why the pastor is here," my mother interjected. "He's offering to counsel you through this tough time."

"Oh." I gulped. I felt my face flush and my eyes hit the floor. Had they found out about my actions in the bath tub?

"We can take it as slow as you'd like," the pastor began. "You can talk about as much or as little as you feel comfortable. Sharing your feelings, any and all thoughts you are having, can be a very cathartic experience. There is no such thing as wrong."

Talk about what? Jake? What about him? What would talking with a stranger do for me? I wanted to say 'no thank you' as politely as possible but with Leah and my mom and Pastor Templeton staring at me like I was about to collapse under the weight of all the feelings I hadn't talked about, I simply nodded and gave a weak smile of avoidance.

* * *

"Baby. You look green. Are you ok?"

"It's just my head. Really bad headache," I lied. Renee was standing on the porch with her oversized handbag at her feet and a waiting cab idling in the driveway. Her thick, wiry hair was pulled back in a hair clip and her face with flushed pink from the heat.

"Come on in." I turned and walked inside. I was still in my pajamas at 3pm. I poured two glasses of water and gulped down the contents of mine. "So?" I sighed. "What's up?"

"Honey, Phil has to get back for training. We're taking an earlier flight to Jacksonville. We leave tonight. I know it's sooner than we planned baby but, well...I suppose I could stay awhile longer if-"

"No it's ok," I smiled weakly and touched her arm. "Go. I'm alright. Really. You don't have to hover over me."

She looked relieved. "Ok. I'll call you as soon as we land. You're father should have stayed longer." She rolled her eyes. "Always on duty."

"I said I'm fine, mom. Don't worry. I'll be more upset if I know you're worrying about me."

She ran her fingers through my ponytail and tucked a stray wisp of hair behind my ear. "Have you talked to your job?"

"No, not yet. I was going to call them tomorrow."

"Have the girls been by to visit with you?"

I shook my head no. Emily had called once or twice, but there was nothing much to say after she asked how I was and after I said I was fine. Leah stopped by yesterday and stared at me for thirty seconds before her phone rang and she made a quick excuse to leave.

They meant well. I wish I could be who they wanted.

"Did you set up a meeting with Pastor Templeton?"

"Oh..." I fidgeted and chewed on my bottom lip. "Mom, I don't think I'm ready for psychoanalysis."

She pondered this for a beat and sighed. "Sweetie, Maybe you should stay with your father for awhile."

"Have I done something wrong?"

"Of course not." Her eyes grew remorseful and she wrapped her arms around me. "Of course you didn't. I was just thinking that, you know, _Alice_ is there, and," she rubbed her hand on my back in a circular motion. "You have friends there."

"I have friends here."

She pulled her head back and looked at me questioningly.

"Jared and Embry and Paul," I blurted out. She sighed deeply and tucked her bottom lip into her teeth.

"They're nice boys. ...But, Bella, those are _his_ friends."

"They're mine too," I muttered. Sure, they hadn't been to see me since the funeral but they were guys. Guys didn't know how to handle stuff like this, right?

"Bella, I know you love them and they hold an important place in your heart but, maybe it's a good idea to see your old friends for a little while. To not be in this house alone. To not be forced to live in the memories every day. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? It doesn't mean you aren't strong. It means you're human."

She was right. They were Jake's friends. They were also a great bunch of people who were always nice to me, always happy to see me. They saved me seats at the bar and sat next to me at the movies. Emily was sweet and welcoming. She and Sam had been married for five years, but we didn't have much else in common other than being married and talking about what the guys were up to and most visits were filled with long stretches of silence and forced smiles. As far as real girlfriends, I hadn't had much luck making them in Phoenix. There was Irina and Lauren, the girls from the office, but they were always going to the mall and borrowing each others clothes and, I dunno, that just wasn't me. When I wasn't working, I spent most of my time with Jake and his friends. They'd come to our house or we'd go to Billy's and hang out in the garage drinking beers while they worked on their motorcycles.

At the time I thought it was fun.

At night, after Jake went to bed or had passed out on the couch, I'd retreat to the porch with a glass of wine and call Alice. We'd talk for hours – mostly about her life cuz it was way more interesting than mine. Other nights I'd sit at the computer in the spare room and IM with Angela and Jessica, my friends from Forks. We'd all made a pact to keep in touch no matter where life took us. Jessica got a new job recently and would be moving to Seattle in a few weeks and Angela was about to get married to her longtime boyfriend Ben Cheney.

I had to admit, it would be great to see them again before their lives completely changed...like mine had. I missed them more than I thought fair to admit.

Over the years, Alice had been down to visit a few times and I spent a week each summer in Forks with my dad until I was eighteen. But it had been nearly two years since I'd been back to Forks and over a year since Alice came down for my wedding.

I smiled as I remembered the night, about six months ago, when Alice frantically called me after meeting her current boyfriend, Jasper.

"Oh my god, Bella, you'll never guess what's happened! Do you remember Edward Cullen? From school?"

"Um," I chewed on my fingernail. "Should I?" High school felt like light years ago.

"Yes because he was guh-ORgeous, but not really because he's two years older than us and you moved away during freshman year. He was in all accelerated classes anyway and I only saw him during fifth period lunch which sucked cuz he's super yummy to look at. I totally lusted after him from afar until he graduated," she giggled. Alice had a great giggle. "Anyway, I didn't know this but he has two older siblings who were seniors when we were freshman."

"How'd you find this out? ...Alice? Did you go digging through their trash?" I teased.

"Hmm I didn't think of that, but no. His older sister, Rosalie, owns the boutique where I work. Turns out she's been in Paris for two years starting her own clothing line and she just got back last week to start marketing it. Isn't that crazy? She's doing what I _dream_ about! And you'd die she is so beautiful. But here's the clincher."

I held my breath in tingling anticipation while finishing Jake's grilled cheese and macaroni dinner.

"She's a twin, Bella. A _twin_. And not an identical twin, cuz I think the world would implode. A _boy_ twin. His name is _Jasper_. Isn't that a great name? He's an Executive Chef at one of those posh resorts on the waterfront. She invited me over for drinks the other night - she's staying with her parents which is totally understandable because their house is SICK - and Bella, _he_ was there."

"Edward?"

"No, he's away at college somewhere. I mean _Jasper_. Oh my god Bella he is _so_ cute! _HOT_ cute. And nice, too. The whole package. We talked for hours and got giggly drunk. I gave him my number and the next day he _called_, can you believe it? Guys never call the next day, right? Unless they really like you?"

"That's great, Alice," I chuckled. Her lust for life was infectious and I envied her ability to find magic and awe in a spiderweb. "I'm glad things are going well for you. You deserve it."

"So do you, Bella. How's Jake?"

"Oh he's, y'know."

* * *

The radio alarm clock on the bedside table was blasting the crap morning show on KUPD-FM. I smacked the snooze button, which I didn't remember setting, and rolled over. What did I have to do today anyway? There was a sickening coating of sick on my tongue that ran down the back of my throat. Kicking the covers aside I ran into the bathroom and spit up yellow phlegm into the toilet – the sight of which made me even more sick to my stomach and caused me to hurl up the remnants of the frozen breakfast burrito I had for dinner last night.

This was getting ridiculous.

Wiping my mouth with a face towel, I returned to the spare room and rummaged around in the desk drawer until I found it. The plastic bag from my trip to the drugstore last week. Inside amongst the gum and candy wrappers and travel packs of tissues was the box I was looking for. I ripped the cardboard open and discarded it, taking the small package with me into the bathroom.

Five minutes later I had an answer. But what did the answer mean? I raced back into the bedroom and retrieved the box from the wastebasket. I scanned the directions on the side flap.

One line = negative

Two lines = positive

Holding the box in one hand I squinted down at the yellowed stick balancing on the bathroom counter.

_Shit._

The dizziness, the nausea...there was no denying it. I wasn't on the pill and my cycle had been erratic to non-existent since it started when I was thirteen. I tried different brands of birth control over the years but they all had side effects ranging from getting my period twice a month, to spotting all month, to missing it completely for months at a time with no warning. Jake didn't mind wearing condoms and to be honest, I was glad. I relied on the lubrication they provided. Most of the time I wasn't in the mood for sex anyway and Jake rarely lasted longer than the commercial break.

_Shit._

What did two lines mean again? I looked to the box as though the answer would be different than the first time.

_Two lines indicate a positive test result._

Two lines.

Positive.

I had my answer. As far as First Response was concerned...

_I was pregnant._


	3. Homecoming Queen

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.

Please forgive typos.

* * *

**Homecoming Queen**

Teeth what were sharp  
Is ground down and dumb  
My crooked spine becoming more brittle  
What once grew straight  
And tall t'ward the sun  
Is absorbing back down  
To dirt like a sponge

- from _Homecoming Queen,_ by Sparklehorse

How to return to normal, if normal exists?

Begin by accepting that you continue to wake up every morning and the sun is still shining and your heart is still beating. You are warm. You have opinions and emotions. There are books and movies that need to be seen and read. There are people that you've yet to meet. It's ok to want to try that spicy sauce. It's ok to think that guy at the end of the bar is cute. It's ok to laugh at that crude, dirty joke.

Isn't it?

Emily thought it would be a nice idea if, in Jake's honor, we kept up our Saturday tradition of catching a matinée at the multiplex in town before heading to the sports bar around the corner to watch whatever game was on, play darts, drink beer, and eat disco fries.

Did I actually find this ritual appealing at one time?

After being up all night with heartburn and trips to the bathroom to dry heave my guts up, the last thing I felt like doing was sitting in a movie theater for two hours surrounded by living reminders of my new-found widowhood. But I consented, longing for the camaraderie and friendship of others my own age, and bought my ticket like a good girl.

We sat in a row halfway from the top of the stadium seating in the same formation we'd grown accustomed to – Emily and Sam to my right, Paul, Embry, Jared, and whatever girls they decided to bring along, at the very end near the aisle. The only difference this time was the noticeable absence of Jake to my left with his hand in a bucket of popcorn and slurping niosily on a soda. After the previews, the lights dimmed and I did my best to concentrate on the moving images in front of me and not focus on Emily and Sam with their fingers intertwined. Jake never held my hand in the movies.

The smell of butter and salt made my stomach churn and I had to swallow down the urge to vomit with gulp after gulp of orange soda. But I laughed when everyone laughed and I oooh-ed and ahhh-ed and OHH!-ed along with the rest of the theater who would never know the difference.

"Did you like the movie?" Emily asked on our way out to the car. It was a forced question asked without making eye contact and I was thrown by the robotic tone of her voice.

"Yeah it was great," I answered with a smile as though it were my job to lighten the mood. "I think I'll skip the bar though."

* * *

"I guess it's good that they didn't have kids after all, huh?" Lauren said coolly, like she was talking about a celebrity or someone on TV that she had absolutely no connection to; not her co-worker of more than two years who was there for her when her dick of an ex-boyfriend cheated on her with her own sister.

"Ugh _imagine_? Being a single mother AND a widow? Blech. Kill me now."

"Lauren!" Irina scolded.

"What? I'm just saying what you're thinking."

"I was _not_ thinking that."

Tired of standing in the hallway like a frozen popsicle, I re-opened and slammed shut the front office door to signify my return. Lauren and Irina were sitting quietly at their desks pretending to work. I pulled out my chair and sat at my desk, which was at a 90 degree angle from Lauren's. Our office set-up was much like the one from the show, The Office – gray desks, florescent lighting, the constant distant ringing of phones, the monotonous tap-tapping of keyboard keys, coffee breaks, water cooler conversation, and constant awkward moments like these.

"Hey Bella," Irina said with a smile. "What did you get for lunch?"

"Tacos. Want one?" I emptied the contents on my desk.

She peered over her computer screen and sucked in her cheek. "There's only two."

"I'm not that hungry."

"You haven't been eating much lately. Are you feeling alright?"

"What do you expect, Irina?" Lauren piped in without turning her head. "Her husband just fucking died."

"Jesus Lauren," Irina gasped. "Be a little _more_ harsh why don't you?"

"I'm just saying, I wouldn't have an appetite either." She shrugged it off like her words had no effect and weren't piercing and cruel.

"Yeah well there's a _way_ of saying things without coming across like a cunt-"

"It's ok you guys," I interjected, squeezing mild sauce onto my chicken soft taco. "You don't have to tiptoe around me. What happened, happened. No one can change it or make me feel worse about it by being an insensitive _bitch_."

Man was I pumped to be back at work!

* * *

It was approaching 8pm on Friday night and I had yet to hear from the "gang", as I used to call them. After pacing the floors and picking up the phone a dozen times and hanging up without dialing, I decided it was time to share my news. The taste of Lauren's words still lingered in my mouth and the support of those closest to me was just what I needed to clear my head. As I grabbed my bag and headed to Leah's I actually started to feel the first pangs of excitement at the looks of surprise and happiness that would appear on their faces once I told them the news.

"..Bella. Hi," Leah said sadly, her shoulders slumping as she stood in the doorway. My earlier two seconds of excitement immediately fizzled out. Could she for once greet me with an emotion _other_ than pity? She pushed the front door open and I walked inside. Emily was in the living room with Sam, a pizza box open in front of them. I set my bag on the kitchen table and Jared charged in behind me with two cases of beer.

"What's up, rubber ducks?" he sang. "I got the brewskis, you got the pizza-"

Clearly not expecting to find me standing in the kitchen, his happy grin faded away.

"Oh hey, Bella," he said, pushing his way into the kitchen without touching me. There it was again, that sad pathetic look. When would they stop with the hound dog eyes? It was obvious they had figured out how to have fun again, and it was obvious that I had barged in on one of those times that _used_ to include me. Did they think I _wanted _to be alone? Or was it easier for them to not have to look at me? To look at me put Jacob in their mind.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked innocently.

"We're - going to watch - Saw IV," Jared stuttered. "We didn't think you'd want to come."

"Why wouldn't I?" I crossed my arms defensively at my chest. No, I _really _wanted to know why they thought I wouldn't want to come.

"We figured...you wouldn't be...in the mood-"

"In the mood to _what_? Hang out with my _friends_?" I dripped the word _friends_ in sarcasm.

"Calm down honey," Leah said, coming to Jared's rescue. Emily and Sam were now standing in the kitchen.

"Don't tell me to calm down. I'm not _not _calm. Maybe if all of you stopped waiting for me to fall apart."

"Bella we're doing no such thing," Emily said condescendingly. Oooh she was _asking_ for a slap to the face with that tone.

"That's _exactly_ what you're doing," I spat back. "It's like you're _looking_ for it. _Forcing _it. No matter what I do or how I behave, you're going to judge me. You want to move past the pain, you want to forget, and in order to do that, you have to forget _me_. Isn't that right? I'm a constant reminder that Jacob's gone."

Their eyes hit the floor in unison.

"It's not enough that I'm still here though, is it? I'll never be enough. I'll never be able to replace him. I'll never fill that void for you."

An intense, overpowering silence pushed on my eardrums. I couldn't believe this was happening. When did they turn on me?

"I, um, I do want to talk to you about something, Bella," Leah finally said, breaking the awkward silence. "Could we maybe go outside?"

I followed her without a word. This better be really fucking good.

It was a mild night with a warm, soothing breeze. Leah moved to sit on the patio chair but didn't when she saw that I preferred to stand.

"It's about the shop," she began. It wasn't what I was expecting her to say and an unexplained fear settled in my stomach.

"What about it?"

"Billy had a will and left it to Jake and the guys."

I knew he had a will and that Jake didn't, but I wasn't privy to what it contained.

"Which guys?"

"Jared, Embry, and Paul."

Ahh. Made sense. They're Jake's cousins.

"So what are you saying exactly?" I sighed in annoyance. I was being such a bitch but I didn't care. I was still really fucking pissed about how they were acting towards me.

Leah rung her hands together and smoothed them down her jean shorts. "By the time it's split four ways, there won't be much left-"

"_Split_? You mean it's being _sold_?"

"You'll get Jake's share, of course."

"Leah, I asked-"

"Yes, Bella. It's going to be sold."

"...Why?" Sold? Sold to who? Why wasn't I even consulted? My head was spinning. If I hadn't come over, would they have just sent me a check in the mail for my "share"?

"The guys want to do their own things. They were young when they started working for Billy, they needed the money, but now they want to move on. Embry wants to go away to college, and Jared and Paul - it's not what they see themselves doing anymore. You know how Paul is. He's been wanting to move to California for years, and Jared's just, phew! Can you see him managing a business?" she rolled her eyes. I couldn't believe she was making light of this! Jake loved that shop! He loved working on cars, he loved helping Billy. I always thought it would be his one day.

"What about you and Harry? Or Emily and Sam?" I couldn't imagine Billy's shop closing down. There had to be a way.

Leah frowned and placed her hand on my shoulder. It was meant to be a consoling gesture but I found it irritating, I felt I was being treated like a child who was about to be given bad news. I wanted to explode on her, to scream, to hit. Was this what they meant by pregnancy hormones?

"Dad doesn't want the responsibility of running a business. He's about to retire. He loved Billy, you know that. He just – he can't, Bella. And me, there's so much I want to _do_ with my life. I want to travel and see the world. I was thinking of going back to school to be a teacher. Get out of that damn dead-end job I'm in at the warehouse. I've always wanted so much _more_ for my life." Her gaze grew starry and I knew she was in a far-away world. She snapped out of it and continued.

"And Emily and Sam...they want to start a family. In fact," she looked over her shoulder and lowered her voice. "I'm sure she wants to tell you herself, so act surprised when she does, ...Emily is pregnant! They're moving to Tucson in a few months where Emily's sister and mother live." The giddiness was apparent in her voice and the way her eyes danced at the news.

"Isn't that _great_?" she swooned like she was going through a religious experience. I, on the other hand, was having the opposite reaction. I was definitely going to throw up.

"Yeah," I swallowed thickly. "That's-"

"I know it seems like things are breaking up and changing, but we'll always be together. We'll talk all the time, on the phone and we can do that Skype thing if I can ever figure it out," she laughed. She was _laughing_. What about _any_ of this was funny? I closed my eyes while she continued to jabber on and thought of all things _I_ wanted to do with _my_ life.

* * *

"_Just think about it, ok?" _

That was my mother's last ditch attempt at pleading her case for me to move back to Forks and in with my dad, Charlie.

A few days ago, I blew off the idea, placating her as she left for the airport and a plane back to Jacksonville. I had no intention of going back to Forks or meeting with Pastor Templeton. I didn't need counseling or an intervention. But alot can happen in a few days. A few days may as well have been a lifetime. Everyone around me was moving on and making life decisions that didn't include me. So why was I standing still? Why wasn't I taking charge of the few things left that I had control of? I was wallowing, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting to be content, expecting to be at the front of everyone's mind, and I was sick of it.

I leafed through my phone book until I came to Renee's number. It went straight to voicemail. Shocker.

_You've reached Renee's cell, I can't take your call. Leave a message and I'll try to remember to get back to you. GOOOO MARLINS!_

I chuckled at my mother's unique way with words and left a message at the beep.

"Hey mom, it's Bella. Don't worry, everything's ok. I, um, I've been thinking about what you said and I think you're right. I think I should go back to Forks for awhile. I talked to Dad and he said it was ok. He sounded really happy about it actually. ...You were right. I could use some time away. Irina from work is going to keep an eye on the house for me. You met her once. She's really nice. I told her she could even stay over if she wanted. I'd feel better knowing someone was here. ...So yeah. That's it. I miss you. Give my love to Phil."

_Oh and I'm pregnant_, I thought as I hit the END button._ Thought you'd like to know. Thought someone should know and pretend to care_. But it wasn't something to be left on a voicemail message. If I could ever get my mother on the phone...well, that was another story.

* * *

Charlie carried my suitcase up the familiar flight of stairs to the second floor. I followed behind, still trying to process that I was back.

He was waiting at the gate for me when my flight landed. My chin quivered the moment I saw him. The car ride from the airport was simple and quiet. When we reached Forks, Charlie began pointing out places that I could have recognized without his well-meaning help.

_"There's the diner. Remember how we used to go there every Saturday night and you'd order blueberry cobbler as your meal?"_

My room was at the top of the stairs on the left. Charlie opened the door for me and I took a few steps inside. It smelled the same, like warm wood and pine needles. Everything was exactly as I'd left it years ago. _Hmm, mental note to take down the N'Sync posters._

"Interior design has never really been my thing," he shrugged. "That was your mother's department. I got you new pillows and sheets though. Hope you like purple. The sales lady helped me pick out the comforter."

He looked embarrassed, but deep down I knew he hadn't taken the pictures down or painted over the places on the wall where I doodled _Bella Timberlake_ because he didn't have the heart to lose them. The big lug.

"It's fine, dad. It's perfect," I smiled. "Thank you."

"For what? Keeping your room fit for a sixth grader?"

"No," I giggled. "For having me back."

"Ah don't give me too much credit. Having you here is as much for my benefit as it is yours. I've missed ya, Bells."

He hugged me awkwardly and then left me alone to unpack. Moments later I heard the Mariners game blaring from the TV downstairs. Same old Charlie. He didn't ask too many questions and he didn't pry. We were the masters of non-verbal communication.

My stomach rolled with a wave of nausea and I cringed at the thought of throwing up in my old bathroom with the butterfly wallpaper. The feeling passed, thank god, and I sat on the edge of my bed and rocked back and forth to keep the chunks at bay. I found that tactic sometimes worked.

I looked out at the rain sliding down my bedroom window and shivers flooded my skin.

_What the hell was I supposed to do now?  
_

_

* * *

_**We'll meet Edward in the next chapter. Please review.**_  
_


	4. Excuse me but can I be you for awhile?

If you're wondering what the deal is with the song selections, each selection means something to me and to the story, either obviously or implied.

I still don't own Twilight.

* * *

Years go by  
Will I still be waiting  
For somebody else to understand  
Years go by  
If I'm stripped of my beauty  
And the orange clouds  
Raining in my head  
Years go by  
Will I choke on my tears  
Till finally there is nothing left  
One more casualty  
You know we're too easy

- from _Silent All These Years_, by Tori Amos

**Excuse me but can I be you for awhile?**

Alice sped along in her little yellow convertible talking a mile a minute while fixing her hair in the rear view mirror and fiddling with her iPod. It was impressive...and frightening. It took me back to the days when we were practicing for our learner's permit and Alice had to take remedial driver's ed lessons

"It's so freaking awesome having you back, Bella! I can't wait to take you to the boutique and to introduce you to Jasper. We _have_ to go to his restaurant. It's sooo amazingly good. There's, like, a million things to choose from. You're going to _love_ him! _Eeeeee!_ I'm so _happy_ you're here!" She leaned across the seat divider and hugged me with one arm while steering the curvy roads with the other. I clung to the safety belt strapped tightly around my chest and smiled weakly.

"I'm happy to be here, too, Alice. I'll be even happier if I live to see another day. You wanna slow it down?"

She giggled and accelerated.

"There's never any cops on these back roads," she winked. "Unless you tattle to your dad."

"Unlikely. So where are we going anyways?"

"To the Cullen's."

"And where do they live?" I asked curiously. There was nothing around us but a deep sea of trees. It felt like we'd been driving for miles through nothing but dense expanses of lush greenery. It was beautiful but I didn't see where there was going to be any room for a house to fit.

Alice jerked the wheel and made 90-degree turn heading straight up the side of the mountain.

"Up there," she pointed.

I followed the tip of her finger and suddenly it appeared. The trees thinned out and the house came into view in the distance. _House_ was an understatement. It was a creation, a movement, a study in architectural innovation and splendor. It was palatial, rising out of the mountain on its own self-sustaining precipice.

"Ho-ly shit. Wait a minute...Are we on...is this South Mountain Pass?"

"Yup. You've got a good memory."

"Has that house always been here?"

Alice laughed and the car filled with windchimes. "Of course, silly. The Cullen's have always lived here. They have acres and acres of land with their own lake and everything. When Edward graduated high school they had an enormous party. Practically the entire school was there. There were two stages with bands playing every hour and fireworks and barbeques. It was incredible."

"Did you go?"

"Yeah, but we didn't see Edward until the very end of the night, and even then it was only because he went up on stage to play piano with one of the bands. There were _so_ many people he wouldn't even have known who I was if he did see me. It was the biggest party of the year."

"Sounds like fun." My graduation party consisted of Jake and his friends getting piss-drunk in Billy's basement and me and Jake getting into a giant fight about where I was going to college.

"I don't think I've ever been up here before."

"That's because our parents knew better than to let us go trick or treating on South Mountain Pass when we were _six_, Bella," Alice joked. "People still get lost up here all the time. They think it's an actual road that leads somewhere when it's really the Cullen's driveway."

She had a point. The long, narrow road of the infamous South Mountain Pass, or Sky Drive as we called it when we were kids because of the way the mountaintop disappeared inside a ring of clouds that touched the sky, wound more than three miles up and around the side of a sloping mountain. The sign at the bottom of the exclusive driveway said Private Drive, and being good kids, we'd never broken the rules. There were plenty of people who did though and at least once a year someone got lost up on South Mountain Pass and Charlie would spend two days looking for them until the sixteen year old brat in question was found tired and hungry and scared shitless.

"I can't believe I lived in Forks until I was fifteen and never met or saw one of these infamous Cullen's. Now you're all BFF's with them."

"Only since I started working for Rosalie. I never talked to Edward at school. He was older and super popular and he always had a girlfriend. He was the talk of the halls. Everyone wanted Edward Cullen. Everyone wanted to be his friend. Rose told me that they were all home-schooled until they were twelve and when it came time for high school Dr. and Mrs. Cullen enrolled them in public school so they wouldn't be all isolated in their uptight social circle. ...Insane, right? Dr. Cullen does _very_ well. So does Mrs. Cullen. She's a lawyer. They both travel a _lot_. "

"And Rosalie told you all this?"

"She's awesome, Bella. You'll really like her. She's funny and down to earth, totally the opposite of what you'd expect an entrepreneurial woman of privilege to be like. She's my total lesbian fantasy. ...After you, of course."

The house swelled as we approached and by the time we reached the top of the drive it towered over us.

There was a Mercedes, BMW, Land Rover, and Volvo lined up in a neat row in front of the house. An enormous porch wrapped around the perimeter and I took care climbing the front steps without tumbling backwards.

An intricate door chime announced our arrival.

"Geez, why don't you park your little Boxster in my dad's trunk while your at it," the beauty in a flowing sundress said. Alice and I looked down the driveway to where Alice had left maybe a half centimeter of space between the hood of her sports car and the back of the impressive SLR MacLaren Roadster – only one of the most expensive cars in the world. I had Jake to thank for that and a million other bits of worthless information about cars.

"Shit, sorry, Ro. I'll move it."

"I'm kidding a-hole, get in here!" she laughed. She held the door open and we walked inside.

"Rosalie, this is my oldest and dearest friend, Bella."

Alice wasn't kidding when she said Rosalie was gorgeous. She was exquisite, model-esque, ethereal, she glided towards me on a silent cloud and gave me a feather-weight hug. Her smell was intoxicating and her long golden hair felt like satin against my skin.

"It's so nice to finally meet you," she said kindly in a sweet sing-song voice. She took my hand and led me into the parlor which again stunned my senses with its plush, decadent surroundings.

"Alice has gone on and on about you since we met and it's only gotten worse since she found out you were moving back. Worse in a good way, of course," she smiled and my skin erupted in goosebumps. Rosalie occupied a room like a priceless painting on the wall. Everyone who entered was drawn to her.

"Hello, Alice."

A striking woman entered the parlor from the hallway. She wore a tan pants suit with her dark auburn hair pulled back in a wavy bun.

"Hey Mrs. Cullen,"Alice replied. "This is my friend Bella."

"Ah the infamous, Bella," she said to me and smiled. I was immediately struck by the stunning quality of her ocean blue eyes.

"I guess so," I mumbled back, the heat rushing to my face.

"Well, welcome home. You call me Esme."

I nodded a thank-you in complete intimidation of her beauty and grace.

As if it couldn't get any prettier in the room, in walked who I assumed to be the hot-damn man of the house. All tall and blonde and built with golden brown eyes and a flawless complexion. Grey slacks and white button down and Jesus was he barefoot?

"So this is where the party's at, hmm?" he chuckled playfully and putting his arm Esme. "You must be Isabella. I'm Dr. Cullen...or Carlisle if you'd prefer. I'm fine with either one. Rotate them if you'd like," he winked.

"I was about to head to the office but Edward just called. He'll be here any minute," Esme said, glowing at the thought. "Jasper went to pick him up from the airport. We're all very excited. We haven't seen him since Christmas, and even then he didn't stay very long." There was a tinge sadness in the family's eyes at the mention of Edward's name and his apparent absence from the family unit.

"Edward attends Harvard Medical School," Carlisle explained with pride. "He's currently in his final year of clinical study and will begin his residency as soon as he graduates."

"Wow," I said lamely. _Please don't ask me what I do._

"Would you two like to stay for dinner?" Esme asked. "It's almost five, I think I can have something whipped up in an hour. What do you say?"

"Sure, Mrs. Cullen. That'd be great," Alice answered. She looked at me and raised her perfectly sculpted brows. "Right, Bella?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. I'll just call Charlie and let him know he's on his own." I sifted through my bag looking for my phone but couldn't find it.

"You can use the phone in my office," Dr. Cullen offered. "It's down the hall to the left."

Down the hall to the left was not just an office. It was a cavernous library with an office attached. Wall to wall, ceiling to floor shelves filled to capacity with books, endless volumes of information, bindings of various widths and colors. Some looked very old and worn. Others appeared new and barely used. Museum-quality tapestries hung on the walls where there weren't bookshelves.

Carlisle's office was minimally decorated with one wall made of windows. _That seems to be a theme._ A large canvas painting hung on the far wall, _it couldn't be an actual Renoir_, while elegantly framed photos of his family lined the other. His mahogany desk was shiny and clear with a large appointment calendar taking up most of the space on top. I could spend countless hours getting lost in here, but feeling like an intruder I quickly picked up the phone that had a million pre-set speed dials and called my dad at the station.

After hanging up, I noticed a business-card holder in the shape of a paperclip.

_Dr. Carlisle Cullen, MD, OB/GYN_

My reality suddenly came swirling to the forefront of my mind. In this house I could pretend I was living a dream, a fantasy with vaulted ceilings, swirling paintings, ceramic vases filled with exotic flowers where I could be whoever I wanted, a princess, a movie star, and I'd stay that way forever and never age...until something smaller than an index card shattered the matrix and threw the pieces at my feet.

_Two lines indicate a positive result._

I took a deep breath and slid one of the thick, cream-colored cards with fancy gold lettering in my back pocket.

Closing the heavy door behind me, I stepped into the corridor and heard the distant voice of Rosalie speaking in a hushed tone. I froze. There was a man's voice too. The talking and footsteps grew louder. There was nowhere for me to go without being seen, the hallway was too long. I stood still and soon she rounded the corner with a man I didn't recognize on her arm. I couldn't see his face, it was turned to her as they walked side by side. He was wearing dark jeans and a black blazer over a white v-neck and his hair was disheveled, longish on top, thick and wavy and the color of deep caramels flecked with red. His profile, alive and smiling creased lines around his eyes and every now and then he dragged his fingers through his hair and left his bangs to stick up in whichever direction they landed.

"...Her name is Isabella Swan, Chief Swan's daughter. ...Moved back from Phoenix. ...Married...well, she _was_...Not sure if she's going by Black anymore...since the..."

It wasn't meant for me to hear but the cavernous expanse of the Cullen home allowed for pesky echoes that even the softest voice couldn't muffle. She stopped in front of me with the man she was with still on her arm.

"Oh Bella, there you are. ...Bella, this is my brother, Edward. Edward, this is Isabella-" she looked at me for guidance on how to finish out my name, but Edward had already taken my hand up in his and was shaking it slowly, methodically, a look in his brilliant eyes akin to that of a deer caught in headlights, and my reaction was the same.

His face was jaw-droppingly beautiful, all angular features and sharp right angles, delicate laugh lines and faded freckles dotted his perfect nose, pink lips full and lightly wet, pale skin flawless and a five o'clock shadow. I couldn't get over it, and when he'd finished processing _my _appearance, which was an embarrassment in comparison, he spoke to me for the first time.

"It's very nice to meet you," he said coolly and calmly with all of his attention focused on my face. I burned hot under his touch and the intensity of his stare. He noticed, I'm sure of it.

"Come on, Edward," Rosalie interrupted pulling on the crook of his elbow. "Mom's in the kitchen. She's going to freak out when she sees you. All day long it's been _Edward this, Edward that, Edward's coming home, the whole world revolves around Edward._" She stuck her tongue out blablabla. Edward held back a chuckle.

_They exaggerate_, he mouthed and rolled his eyes.

"Come _on_, you can talk to Bella later." She winked at me and pulled Edward down the long corridor leaving me standing in the center with my heart vibrating the back of my throat.

_What the fuck was that? What just happened and why am I out of breath?_

I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere on my way back to Alice because I was currently wandering aimlessly down a different hallway, this one thinner with an ornately embroidered carpet instead of marble flooring. The hallway was lined every so often with large sets of double doors. I chose a pair, hoping it would lead to the end of the maze, and walked inside.

It was a study or den or sitting room of some sort. No exit. I was about to turn when a voice came from somewhere in the room.

"Lost your way?"

"Holy shit!" I screamed out, clutching my chest.

The voice turned into laughter.

Edward was standing by the window with a book in his hand. He cocked his head to the side and pondered my presence.

"I didn't mean to startle you. It's just, the odds of someone coming into _this_ room out of all the others is, well, you should try your luck in Vegas." A crooked grin turned the side of his mouth and pouted his lips just enough to have me reaching for the arm of the couch for balance.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't snooping."

"I didn't think you were."

"...I can't find my way back. I thought maybe this door led somewhere, but they all look the same and I keep getting turned around. This place is so big."

"You get used to it," he shrugged, placing the book on the sill and stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Would you care for a drink?" he asked politely.

"No, I'm fine, thank you."

"Hope you don't mind if I do," he smiled.

"Please," I put my hand up and motioned to the liquor cabinet. "Go right ahead."

Man what I wouldn't give to be able to have a shot of tequila right now, anything to dull the nervous energy that was having its way with my insides.

Edward opened the mini-fridge, plopped two ice cubes in a short glass and filled it with a light brown liquid from a decanter. He took a small sip.

I was suddenly very aware of my appearance in the reflection in the bookcase behind Edward and found a million things wrong with it. _I need a haircut. Pulling it back this way make's my ears stick out. I should have worn make-up. I'm plain, boring, and need a new wardrobe. These jeans are too tight. Why did I knot my tee-shirt at my hip? I should have worn a sundress. God he's so beautiful._

"I heard about your loss," Edward said without warning. I was taken aback and his gaze fell to the glass in his hand the moment he said the words. "I'm sorry. I hope you won't be angry with Rosalie for telling me."

I shrugged. "It's not a secret."

That seemed to ease his concern and he brought his eyes back up to meet mine.

I nodded in appreciation. "Thanks though."

He leaned against the sill and crossed his feet at his ankles. He was wearing converse sneakers, black with white soles.

"So, you're staying with your father?"

I was about to answer when out of nowhere a loud voice boomed through the room.

"_Edward? Wherever you are, dinner's ready._"

I jumped in my skin and spun in place looking for the source.

"A_nd you might want to look for Bella. We haven't seen her in awhile. She's probably lost_."

Edward laughed as his eyes danced over me. I raised my eyebrows at him, waiting for an explanation.

"It's Rosalie, over the intercom," he said pointing to what I now understood to be a speaker built into the wall by the door.

"That scared the _shit_ out of me," I said, still wide-eyed.

"I noticed," Edward grinned again and my heartbeat picked up faster. He walked over to the intercom and pressed a button.

"This is Edward Cullen. I have located the missing person in question," he said cheekily. "And will happily return with her to the dinner table. ...Over and out." He let go of the button and gave me a quick wink that I would easily have missed had I not been staring at him.

He stood in place and held out his hand.

"Shall we?"

"..."

"Isabella?"

"...Yes?" That _was_ my name, wasn't it?

"I'm about to head to the dining room," he motioned to the open door that led to the corridor. "I have only just met you, yet it would appear that navigation is not one of your strong points. I fear you won't be able to find it on your own." He was holding back laughter with his lips pressed together and tiny spasms contracting his stomach muscles. "Therefore I would like to accompany you...to ensure that you arrive in a timely fashion."

"..."

"...Isabella? Are you alright? Do you need to sit down?" He started to cross the room towards me with a look of concern.

"I'm fine," I blurted out and jetted to the door. "I'm coming. Yes. I'm hungry, let's go." I made a left and stopped when I realized he wasn't following me. I turned on my heel with a huff.

Edward was standing outside the door with a playful smirk on his lips.

Oh. It's_ that_ way.

He held out his hand again.

"Will you take it this time?" he asked and his voice echoed off the walls.

Before I knew it my hand was in his and Edward was leading me through the halls and there was no other feeling in my body besides Edward's palm pulsing in my palm and the heat of his fingers between my fingers.

* * *

After dinner I was given a tour of house, complete with a visit to the state of the art gym and Olympic-sized swimming pool. It was incredible to put it mildly. Every inch of the interior and exterior of each room was decorated with care. Esme noted that she did most of it herself, unwilling to let a decorator tell her what looked good and what she should or should not like.

Eventually, Rosalie, Edward, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen and myself ended up back in the massive high-ceilinged front entranceway. It was only then that I noticed two people missing from the group that had been there at the start. I must have been preoccupied with being acutely aware of every move Edward made as he strolled silently behind us the entire time. His mere presence made me dizzy. I could smell his distinct scent. At least I _thought_ I could. It might have been the way the interior of the house smelled, like eucalyptus and mint, but there was something else that wafted under my nose every few minutes. Something indescribable. Something heavenly. He didn't say much as we walked, only when asked a direct question or to give his opinion on Impressionism. My instinct lurched through my chest and would have dragged me towards the sound of his voice had I not held her back. _What is happening to me? _I thought. _He's just a man._

"Thank you so much for dinner, Mrs. Cullen, Dr. Cullen," I said, politely extending my hand.

"The pleasure was ours, dear. We loved having you."

"You have a beautiful home," I made sure to add, and again I caught a flash of Edward's dazzling emerald eyes on me as he stood to the side of his father with his hands folded behind his back.

"And you are welcome here any time," Carlisle added.

The grandfather clock chimed 9pm. It was now blatantly obvious that I was standing in front of them without the companion I had arrived with.

Before I could open my mouth to acknowledge her absence, Alice appeared out of nowhere and grabbed my arm, pulling me a few steps to the side. I mouthed an appalled 'excuse me' to the Cullen's, finding Edward's gaze once again transfixed to my face.

"Um," Alice's eyes were wild and her hair mussed. "Jasper's invited me to...well, I, uh, I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I stayed awhile longer."

The little tart wanted to get laid.

"It's fine, you giant perv," I teased. At least someone was getting some. "I can call a cab or have Charlie come pick me up."

"I'll take you home." Edward was suddenly standing by my side.

"...You don't have to do that." My tongue felt like it was swelling in my mouth. "Really. I can call-"

"It's no trouble. Just give me a moment to get my keys and I'll meet you in the driveway."

* * *

"Do you want to listen to the radio?" Edward asked, turning off Sky Drive and onto the main road.

"Um, sure." I reached for the dial at the same time he did and our fingers collided. A jolt of electricity surged up my arm and I let out an audible gasp. We jerked our hands back. I put mine in my lap and he put his on the steering wheel.

"Sorry," he muttered, staring straight ahead.

I turned my face and blushed out the window.

We drove in silence for what felt like an eternity. I stopped and started a conversation in my head a dozen times. I fidgeted in my seat.

"Are you uncomfortable?" he asked, his voice breaking the silence beautifully. "You can use the controls on the door to adjust the seat."

He was looking at me out of the corner of his eye as he swiftly navigated the twists and turns in the road leading to my house.

"That won't be necessary. I think this is the most comfortable car I've ever been in." I sank deeper into the plush leather interior to prove my point. Edward caught on and his mouth turned up in a smile.

"Dinner was very chaotic tonight. We didn't have a chance to talk."

"I felt like I was talking every one's ear off," I laughed nervously.

"I meant _'we'_ as in '_you and I'_ didn't have a chance to talk. I should have known better than to let my sister and Alice sit next to you. I couldn't get a word in edgewise."

He seemed genuinely irritated and I couldn't help but giggle. His brow does the cutest crinkly thing when he's frustrated.

"Make a left here," I instructed and Edward took the turn into my driveway.

"You don't live far at all," he said shifting into neutral with ease. I bit my bottom lip and sighed.

"Really? It feels like you live on another planet. There's only, like, _ten_ trees around my house. God that was just the lamest joke, sorry." I palmed my forehead and cringed at my dumb-assness.

"Eh, It's late. I don't expect you to be on your best game," he teased.

"Thanks for letting me off the hook. I promise to be more clever next time."

"I'll be the judge of that."

"I've been known to bribe judges."

"Is that right?" he turned and leaned against the steering wheel to look at me intrigued. There it was - that electric current again. "Well I suppose I shouldn't be surprised," he spoke thoughtfully. "I bet it wasn't very difficult for you to do just that." His voice was melted butter, no, molten lava, no, something else equally as panty-bunching. I was dying here. I couldn't think of a comeback. Instead I held his stare and waited for him to kiss me. _What? Why_ would he kiss me? What's _wrong_ with me?

"On that note," he sighed breaking the connection. "You've left me with alot of thinking to do."

"Oh yeah? On what?"

"For one, how to parlay your particular talent for mesmerizing public officials into a lucrative money-making scheme. And secondly, the best way to prepare myself for the anticipation of hearing your next clever anecdote on life in the Pacific Northwest."

There I was, speechless again.

"You make the most interesting faces," Edward chuckled in amusement. He opened his car door and walked around the back of the Volvo until he reached the passenger side. He opened my door and motioned for me to exit.

"Now you can tell all the girls what a marvelous gentleman I am. My street cred will be ruined, but I think chivalry's making a comeback with the ladies, don't you?"

I shook my head and laughed. "I can't keep up with you, Edward."

"Why try?" he shrugged, slamming the door behind me. "I'll wait to make sure you get inside safely."

There was a sudden lump in my throat at the realization that he was leaving. The thought made me sad. His hands were in his pockets which meant he wasn't going to make a move to touch me. What did I expect him to do? Bend me over the hood of his car? ...Mmmm.

"Thanks for the ride," was all I could manage to say.

He smiled and stepped aside so I could pass.

"Good night, Isabella."

I walked backwards towards the house so I could look at him until the very last second.

"Good night, Edward."

* * *

**In case anyone is wondering, no, Bella still has not told anyone she is pregnant.**

**Please review. Please?**


	5. Midsaggital

For those (few) of you that are reading, I don't plan on being super strict about the details of every month/week/day of Bella's pregnancy. That is just too boring for me to even handle. I'll stick to all the symptoms and physical reactions that are typical throughout a pregnancy but I'm not going to lose my mind over every detail.

kthxbye.

* * *

**Cause in my head there's a greyhound station**  
** Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations**  
** So they may have a chance of finding a place**  
** where they're far more suited than here**

You're looking a little pale these days, Bells. You feelin' alright?"

"I'm pale _most_ days, dad. And I have_ you_ to thank for my tan-resistant skin, remember?"

Truth was, the longer I stood at the stove smelling the vile scent of bubbling meat and onions that were part of the stir-fry concoction I was making for Charlie's dinner, the closer I was to adding my own blend of vomit to the recipe.

I placed the plate and bowl of rice on the table in front of him and backed away.

"You're not joining me," he asked from behind the newspaper.

"I can't. I'm, uh, meeting Alice. We're going shopping."

"_You're_ going shopping? On purpose?" He peered at me over the pages.

"With _Alice_, dad. You know how persuasive she can be."

"Yes that's true," he smiled like a gooey-eyed tween. Uck he so has the hots for Alice it's gross. But I'll use it to my advantage whenever I can.

"Oh well," he picked up his fork and licked his lips. "Have a good time. And thanks for the grub."

* * *

_The mattress sagged as Jake climbed on and groped for me in the darkness. Once he reached my side of the bed he rolled me over without asking and mounted me, his bulk resting uncomfortably on my ribs and abdomen._

_"Ready for your birthday present?" he asked, shoving his tongue in my mouth._

_"How romantic," I mumbled, hiking up my nightdress._

_"You know I'm not good at all that gift buying stuff. ...Mmm," he moaned placing greasy beer-tinged kisses down my neck and across my breasts. "Besides," he continued, feeling his way between my legs and pushing his fingers inside sharply. "The shop's not bringing much in this month. Money's tight and…"_

_"I don't need stuff, Jake," I huffed in annoyance and shoved his hulkness off me. "You don't need to buy me things to be romantic."_

_He pawed at me and tried to pull me apart but I curled in a ball and gave him my back. Some birthday, I thought and the thought made me want to cry. There was silence and usually I'd wonder what he was thinking, but this time I didn't care. I couldn't bring myself to care anymore.  
_

_"We can go out to dinner tomorrow if you want," he said finally._

_"Tomorrow's not my birthday," I said into the pillow._

_"Heyyyy, come on Bellycakes. Don't be mad. I'll try to be more romantic, ok? How does that sound?"_

_"That sounds great, Jake." _

OoO

"It's lovely to see you today, Isabella."

Dr. Cullen crossed the room elegantly, striding past the plaques and diplomas that covered the walls, professing his education and experience with fancy scrawled writing. The high-backed leather chair on wheels made no sound when he sat in it.

He smiled and an odd state of calm enveloped me.

"Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Dr. Cullen, and after office hours. It's hard for me to get off during the day."

I'd just taken a part-time job at Newton's Sporting Goods Store in the center of town, owned shockingly enough by Mike Newton, who unfortunately remembered me from junior high. Not shocking was the fact that he was still a pervert and couldn't take his eyes off my tits the entire time he interviewed me.

"Not a problem at all. Have a seat." Dr. Cullen motioned to the chairs in front of his desk and I sat down.

"I'm sorry to have called this way, out of the blue, but I uh, I saw your business cards on your desk and I..."

"There's no need to explain, dear," he said soothingly. "Now tell me. What can I do for you?"

"I think I need...an exam." I blushed into my shoulder.

Dr. Cullen nodded in understanding and began writing on my blank chart.

"That's no problem. Let me just get a bit of information from you. ...When was your last pap?"

"Four months ago."

"And it came back normal?"

"Yes sir."

"Well then," he closed the folder. "You should be in good shape. You won't need another one for," he raised his eyebrows and it reminded me of Edward.

"Unless there is-something else?"

He paused to study the look in my eyes.

"Ah. I see. Let me rephrase." He calmly placed his hands on top of my file. I noticed he had immaculate fingers; long, lean, sculptured and clean. I couldn't take my eyes off them.

"When was your last period?"

Bile rose in my throat. The urgent need to bolt out of the room and puke my guts up churned in my stomach.

"I should have gotten it, I always get it, but this time I didn't. I took a home pregnancy test last week," I blurted out.

"And?"

"It came back positive." The words rang in my ears and echoed around the office. There was a finality in saying it here within these white walls and an hour later there was a confirmation when the urine and blood test came back positive.

"Oh god," I squeaked, once again sitting at Dr. Cullen's desk. I covered my face with my hands. The tears came; the walls closed in and threatened to suffocate me. I sobbed unintelligible words through my shaking fingers.

"Isabella-"

"I know, Dr. Cullen, I know," I blubbered.

"What do you know?"

"I know what you're going to say. How am I going to raise a child on my own? I'm a widow with no one to help me. Charlie's always working. Renee is one the other side of the country, and let's face it, neither of them knew what they were doing when it came to raising me. What makes me think _I'll_ be any better at it?" I cried harder at the realization that poor parenting was no doubt in my blood, coursing through my veins.

"Please don't ask me if I'm ready for this responsibility, Dr. Cullen. I can't handle that question right now. I'm barely hanging on. As it is I wander through each day in disbelief that this is what I've let my life become."

"I can safely assume then that this pregnancy was unplanned?"

Oh god – he said it. He said the word _pregnancy._

"Unplanned. Yes," I mumbled. "Add it to the list of unplanned events that have occurred in the last six weeks."

"I apologize for sounding insensitive, Isabella."

"You can call me Bella."

"Alright. Bella. There is no way for me to pretend to understand the courage it takes to carry on through the death of a spouse and the possibility of single-parenthood."

"Please don't ask me to seek counseling."

"I have no intention of suggesting counseling. The way you are reacting to the situations that have been forced on you is well with the realm of rational behavior in my psychological opinion. The worst thing we can do is to immediately assume that one cannot handle the cards they have been dealt. Over the course of our lives it is natural to feel a wide variety of emotions, often at the same time and usually in conflict with each other, during relatively uneventful times let alone under the circumstances you currently find yourself in. Allow me to give you one piece of advice that you can repeat to yourself during times that appear especially bleak. It might offer a bit of consolation– and that is... _This too, shall pass_."

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," I replied with my eyes planted in my lap.

"Here you can call me Dr. Cullen, but when you are in my home, where you are welcome any time, please, call me Carlisle."

"You said the _possibility_ of single-parenthood."

"That is correct. There are options available to you, Bella. If you carry to term and wish to consider adoption, there are agencies that will assist you in the details that come along with that decision. I do not terminate pregnancies but there are clinics where such procedures are performed."

My mouth dropped open in response to the direction the conversation had taken and I held my hand up to signify that I wasn't looking for him to provide me information on abortion. "No I didn't mean…I wasn't…I don't…" I stuttered.

"There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the options that exist. Don't worry. I am not here to judge the choices we make nor can I live anyone else's life for them, but I do think it would be foolish to ignore the possibilities just because they are unpleasant to think about."

I took a deep cleansing breath and exhaled it shakily.

"That being said," he continued. "There is no better way to carry on the legacy of your late husband than to bring his child into the world and to raise him or her in the same manner you would had he been here to do it with you."

Dr. Cullen meant well and I appreciated his sentiment but I wanted to laugh out loud at the thought of Jake taking care of anything that didn't have an engine under the hood. We'd talked about it every now and then – usually after some sideways comment from Paul or Sam . _"So when are you gonna knock her up, Jake? Can't get one past the goalie?"_ Then Leah and Emily would chime in, _"Yeah it's about time for Bella to get rid of that perfect figure."_ And they'd all laugh and laugh and haha sooo funny. Ugh. By the time we got home and into bed, Jake would be all revved up at the idea.

"_Come on, Bellyache, let's do it. Let's make babies all night," he'd say. Ten minutes later he'd be pulling out and sliding off me half asleep.  
_

"You won't tell anyone, will you Dr. Cullen? I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I haven't said a word to anyone, not even my parents"

"Of course not, Bella. Everything that happens in this office is confidential. You are a grown woman fully capable of making your own decisions, please remember that."

"Thank you," I sighed. "Sometimes I feel like I'm being tested."

"I'd say that you most certainly are."

"Dr. Cullen, can I ask you another question?"

"Please do."

"Is it wrong to...um, I mean, lately I've been having these _thoughts_ and, well I was just wondering if it's wrong to have..._feelings_-" I stumbled over my words and the sound they made.

Dr. Cullen chuckled. It was the first time I'd heard him laugh. It was a really nice laugh too.

"Is it wrong to have_ feelings_? I can safely advise you that, no, it certainly is not wrong to have feelings."

"But what if they're feelings that I shouldn't be having?"

"What kind of feelings are we talking about here?" His brow creased and he sat up straighter. "Bella, have you tried to harm yourself?"

"No! Oh god, no, not at all! I mean, in the beginning I thought, I mean, I may have tried, but no no, I don't want to die or hurt myself or anything like that."

"I've very glad to hear that."

"I was talking about thoughts that are, well, they're _good_ thoughts. But they're about someone who is _not_ my late husband."

I felt so incredibly guilty admitting this, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I hoped Dr. Cullen didn't posses the ability to read minds. He took a few moments to ponder my declaration before he spoke.

"Dear, there is no correct way to deal with grief. You can buy all the self-help books you want, but the only person who can tell you how to behave is _your_ self. There are extremes, of course. If you feel suicidal or unable to cope with day to day life, then yes, you should seek professional help immediately. However, there is no need to assign you these characteristics if you are not exhibiting them. There is nothing wrong with surrounding yourself with people whose company you enjoy and who enjoy yours. Especially in this critical time, after a loss such as the one you have suffered, I strongly recommend doing just that. That is all the advice I can give you on the subject."

* * *

"Mike Newton won't stop hitting on me. You'd think he'd have at least a _little_ bit of class. What's the mourning period for a young woman anyway? Do I dress in black for a year? Or should I cry constantly so he gets the hint that I'm not interested?"

I picked a dress off the rack and held it up for Alice to see. She shook her head in disapproval and went back to looking through the skinny jeans.

"He might not know."

"Doesn't everybody know?"

"I haven't said anything. And neither has my family. This is a small town though, and word travels fast," She shrugged. "Eh, don't worry about it. He probably _does _know and it probably turns him on. Newly single, vulnerable..."

"He's gross."

"Yeah. He's gotten really fat since high school," she made a blech face that changed into a happy face once she found a pair of skinnies in her size.

We headed to the dressing room.

"Still though, maybe you should go out with him. You don't have to _do_ anything with him. Dinner, a movie, whatever. And kick him in the nuts if he gets too handsy," she giggled and looped her arm through mine. "I hate to think of you stuck in that little house all day being sad. You're hot. _ Really_ hot. I don't want you to forget that."

"I never thought it to need to forget it. And you can can stop feeling sorry for me. I can't take any more pity. I promise I'm not suppressing my emotions or sitting around feeling sad or suicidal. I know he's not coming back. I've accepted that. I promise you. I came out here so I wouldn't be reminded every minute. Can we please talk about something else?"

"Normal people talk about sex and dating, Bella."

"I never said I was normal."

"That's for sure," Alice winked. "Well. At least you haven't turned to booze. Lesser tragedies have turned people into alcoholics."

"That wouldn't be wise."

"Ain't that the truth. You could never hold your liquor anyway. Remember the time we broke into your parents liquor cabinet and drank your mom's entire bottle of peppermint Schnapps? Oh maaan, you got sooo sick. How old were we, twelve?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Oh shut up. I'm pregnant too." She waved me off and closed herself in a stall. I stood outside and listened to her rustling with the hangers. "What do you wanna do tonight? Dinner? Cocktails? I think you deserve a few drinks. Maybe we should give Mike Newton a call. Haha, he'd love that."

"I'm serious, Alice."

"So am I. Come on, Bella. Let's_ do _something. I'm bored and Jasper's working twelve hour days for the next week."

"Alice, I'm not fucking around. I mean it."

There was silence and for a second I wondered if she was still in there. I was about to knock on the door when it opened. She looked like she'd just seen a ghost.

"_What?_...Are you sure?"

"Positive. That's what the stick said anyway," I smirked.

"How long have you known?"

"Before I left Phoenix."

"Jesus, Bella. When were you planning on telling me?"

"_Planning_ had nothing to do with _any_ of this," I huffed.

"It was an accident?"

I nodded.

"Shit. Thank god I'm on the pill."

"Gee thanks," I muttered.

"I'm sorry, I just...shit. How far along are you?"

"Dr. Cullen says six weeks give or take-"

"Hold _up_. Dr. _Cullen_ knows?"

"He ought to. I pissed in a cup for him."

"How the fuck does he know before me? I thought I was your best friend!"

"You are. Please don't be that way. I needed to be sure before I told anyone. I barely know Dr. Cullen and he barely knows me. I knew I wouldn't have to talk about Jake or how I'm going to tell my parents. Alice, you can_not_ say anything to _anyone_. Right now you and Dr. Cullen are the only people in the world who know. And I want to keep it that way."

* * *

After much persuasion from 'endless supply of energy' Alice, I finally agreed to go to Mill Creek Bar, Forks' finest (and only) remotely trendy bar/eatery. Which, of course, means that it's always packed with the young people of Forks desperate for a primitive excuse for nightlife without having to trek to Port Angeles with a designated driver or being forced to spend money on a hotel in Seattle.

The music was thumping as we walked inside.

"I can't believe this," I groaned.

"What?" Alice asked, shedding her thin coat to reveal a tight black minidress. She looked incredible and I tried not to be jealous. I was wearing tight black jeans and a sparkly-red shirt/tank thing of Alice's.

"I'm in a bar. Is it so disgustingly scummy that I'm in...a _bar_?"

"Why would it be scummy?" She handed her coat and mine to the coat-check girl.

"Alice, I'm pregnant."

"So what?" She grabbed my arm and pulled me through the crowd towards the bar. "No one knows. You don't look it _at all_ and you're not drinking. Your hair looks great, by the way. See I told you you should wear it down more often...Oh my god. ...Bella look." Her voice got raspy and low and I leaned in.

"Look where?" I whispered over-dramatically.

She jerked her head to the right like she was having a mild seizure.

"Over there. At the bar. It's _Edward Cullen_."

I spun around in my kitten heels.

Well what do you know. Alice was right. It _was_ Edward Cullen. Standing by the bar. Waiting to be served.

I could only make out his profile but there was no mistaking it. _Fuuuuuuuuck_. I didn't need this tonight. There were slutty girls everywhere, circling him like vultures or sharks.

He was wearing a green polo, I could tell by the collar, and the lights over the bar sent sparkles onto his caramel-colored hair.

Alice dug her nails into my elbow. "_Come on_," she said through clenched teeth.

"Where are we going?"

"We're going to talk to him."

"Um, I have to use the restroom."

"No you don't. Let's go."

I tried to get lost in the crowd but Alice was relentless and in seconds we were standing directly behind Edward. His back was to us, his elbows on the bar. Alice pushed some skank out of the way and sidled up next to him, ordering a Pepsi for me and a mojito for herself.

"Oh, Edward, hi!" she sang like she'd bumped into him totally by accident. "What a surprise seeing you here!"

I shook my head and laughed into my hand. She was thoroughly ridiculous. It was great.

"Hey Alice," he smiled politely, not surprised in the least to see her. I stood awkwardly behind them wondering how to make my presence known. I was terrible at this bar-scene thing. Then, like a magnet, he turned all the way around until he was facing me with his whole body. The top two buttons of his polo were undone to reveal a white shirt underneath. I held my breath.

"Hi, Isabella."

"Bella."

"I'm sorry?" He ran his hand through his hair, confused by my response.

"You can call me Bella."

A grin turned the corner of his perfectly shaped mouth. "OK."

My heart stopped and I suddenly felt lightheaded and tingly all over.

"So Edward," Alice chirped. "How long are you in town?"

Edward turned to pick up his drink and Alice jabbed me in the ribs with her elbow.

_Ow! What was that for?_ I mouthed.

_Look! Look at that!_ she mouthed back pointing at…_holy jesus_… Edward leaning over the bar, his shirt riding up just enough to show a sliver of skin and his jeans with a worn leather belt holding onto his hip bones and tight ass revealing the waistband of his _Calvin Klein underwear_.

_Oh. My. God_, I mouthed.

_Inorite?_ Alice gave me a thumbs up just as Edward turned back around.

"Not long," he said, answering her question from what felt like ages ago. "Actually I'm leaving tomorrow. Back to Boston."

"That's a shame," she pouted.

His head tilted to the side every-so-slightly. If I wasn't staring at him like a horn-dog I never would have noticed the microscopic movement. He was looking at me while Alice talked. I don't even know what she was saying, some chirpy blather about him having to hurry back because there's a desperate pregnant woman with the hots for him. ...Kidding. He was listening to her politely but he was looking at me.

"Mm," he agreed. He paid for his drink and dropped a few bills on the bar. "I'll be back though."

"Really? When?"

I rolled my eyes. Jesus, Alice, why don't you take your top off and rub your tits in his face?

"Sooner than later I hope," he answered, again looking straight at me like_ I _had asked the question. His eyes on me were like searing charcoals dotted across my skin and the butterflies that had taken up permanent residence in my belly told me that the morning sickness was over. They were here now because of Edward.

The front door opened, sending in a whipping gust of wind that let three very noisy, already half-drunk boys in along with it.

"YO ED-_AY_!" one of them called out with a bro-wave.

Edward's eyes peeled away from me and darted in the direction of his name. He nodded in realization when they landed on his friends and he laughed brightly at some rude gesture they were no doubt making. I hoped it was about me.

"If you'll excuse me," he said politely. "My crazy friends have finally decided to grace me with their presence. ..._I'm coming, Emmett! Chill!_" he called out with his hand cupped to the side of his mouth. "Sorry," he smiled, shaking his head in quasi-embarrassment at his friend's behavior. I allowed myself a glance across the crowded room to the table where they were sitting. One of them, the dark-haired one who I assumed was Emmett, was standing on a chair and waving his arms over his head

"What my sister sees in him I've yet to figure out," Edward laughed. "Don't get me wrong, we're friends for life, but ugh, he's such a clown." Edward winked at me like he was letting me in on some private joked. I grinned like an idiot. He _was _letting me in. Now I knew that his sister was dating one of his very best friends. God how I wanted to go over and sit with them. To sit next to Edward. To be a part of their group.

"Emmett and _Rosalie_?" Alice gagged in astonishment. "She didn't tell me they were dating!"

"Should she have submitted her request for your approval?" Edward teased as he moved to walk away.

"...No, but," she pouted. "I thought we were friends."

"Oh stop it. You know how Rose is. Little Miss Fashion Maven probably isn't dying for the world, and her employees, to know, that she's dating a reject Abercrombie model." He stuck his tongue out in a joking way and began pushing through the crowd towards the table where his friends were now downing shots.

But before he had gone too far, he stopped, took a step around Alice and he was suddenly at my side, closer than we'd ever been before, so close that I could feel the warmth from his hip radiating against my stomach. _Dear god he's so tall, an entire head taller than me_. I felt lightheaded from his mere proximity.

"It was really nice seeing you again, Bella. Have fun tonight."

I smiled dumbly up at him and muttered something stupid that I'm sure he didn't understand, but he smiled that corner half smile again and my heart fluttered in natural reaction. He stepped away from me, his eyes still on my face like he was painting it in his mind, and I watched him weave through the crowd until he was taken from my view.

"Goddamn," Alice sighed, taking a long sip from her mojito. "What a piece."

"_Alice,_" I scolded. "You're with Jasper. Edward's _brother_."

"And? What's your point?"

"My point? You were two seconds away from whipping a condom out of your purse."

"Oh shut up," she swooned batting her Bambi lashes. "Can you blame me? Christ Bella, look at him."

Out of the corner of my eye he was all I could see. A small sliver of his upper arm and profile through the crowd and thick waves of his unruly hair. As if sensing my stare, he turned his head and our eyes connected once again. He smiled and I immediately looked away. Who did I think I was? This was teenage behavior; this discreet, wordless flirting. My own senses were getting me drunk on a boy I had just met who I knew nothing about. I was forgetting who I was. I needed to stop this now before it went too far.

* * *

The bolded lyrics up top are from the song _Where Soul Meets Body_ by Def Cab for Cutie.

**midsaggital plane** - the plane that passes through the midline of the body, dividing it into equal right and left sides.


	6. The possibilities are endless

The possibilities are endless now,  
the forecast not so good  
for me now.  
When you turned away  
we tore apart.  
Finding no better way  
nor time thus far, for us now.  
Complete with all your misunderstandings  
can barely rise to stay,  
to see you now.

_- The Possibilities_, by Micah P. Hinson

* * *

_Out of the corner of my eye he was all I could see. A small sliver of his upper arm and profile through the crowd and thick waves of his unruly hair. As if sensing my stare, he turned his head and our eyes connected once again. He smiled and I immediately looked away. Who did I think I was? This was teenage behavior; this discreet, wordless flirting. My own senses were getting me drunk on a boy I had just met who I knew nothing about. I was forgetting who I was. I needed to stop this now before it went too far._

**OoO**

Edward left for Boston the next day. I didn't know when he'd be back and I didn't ask. There was no way to do so without incurring the barrage of questions Alice would no doubt hurl at me the second I opened my mouth and let Edward's name escape my lips. Besides, I thought, it was better this way. If I didn't have to see him, if I didn't have to feel the heat that rolled off him in waves when he was near, or more to the point, if I didn't have to struggle with the guilt that came with the feelings he awoke in me in the short time I'd known him, then I'd be free to move on, free to come terms with my lot in life, free to accept my fate.

I'd moved back to Forks to escape the reality that had crushed and stunned my life. I came here to gain a new perspective, to see things in a fresh light, to not dwell on the past, to move on and beyond the blow and constant reminders.

Oh who the fuck was I kidding.

I had moved back to Forks to hide.

I was a pregnant widow living with her father, working part-time at a sporting goods store. I had nothing to offer anyone except the burden of the decisions I had made.

As luck – _me? luck? yeah right _- would have it, the information I told myself I didn't care to know was given to me three days later when I walked into Rosalie's boutique to meet Alice for lunch.

Rosalie's shop was called, "La Vie en Rose" and it stood out in Forks like a sore thumb. People walked by the front window with curious looks on their faces like they were checking out a carnival attraction or zoo exhibit. Trendy and vintage designer duds with a big city price tag weren't exactly the chosen attire worn by the stylish population of the Pacific Northwest. Flannels and rain boots on the other hand...

"Oh Bella!" Rosalie sang with a wave from behind the glass counter filled with beautiful silk scarves and embroidered handkerchiefs. Her hair was pulled back in a bun similar to the one Esme wore the last time I saw her and I was once again taken aback by the uniqueness of Rosalie's timeless features.

"Hi, Rose," I replied, instantly biting my tongue at the way I shortened her name. It slipped out before I realized what I was saying and I knew it was because I had heard Edward call her that the night he drove me home from dinner.

She didn't seem to notice though, and kept right on talking.

"I was just about to ask Alice for your phone number. She's in the back," Rosalie pointed to the thick curtain behind her that I assumed led to the storage room.

"I wanted to invite you to our house on Saturday. We're having a party for Edward."

The sound of his name took my breath away and I nearly uttered the words "You are?" with a gasp.

"I thought he went-" I flittered my hand around in a lame attempt to illustrate that I knew he had left and gone somewhere . "Y'know, to, wherever."

"He's graduating from medical school this Thursday," she explained with pride. "We're flying to Boston tomorrow for the ceremony and then he's coming back with us." Her eyes lit up like a neon sign. A giant grin slowly spread across her face and I knew there was more. "He's coming home for the whole summer."

"That's great," I attempted to say with enthusiasm when all I could _think about _was how the _fuck_ I was going to avoid Edward all summer long.

"This wall is all my line." Rosalie changed the subject and gestured to the far wall hung with cute tops, tiny dresses, and short skirts. She showed me the label of a light blue silk off the shoulder blouse with a cinched waist. I leaned in and admired the stitching. It even smelled luxurious.

"These are gorgeous. You designed them yourself?"

"Yep. In Paris." She fingered the rose-shaped label.

"_Rose._ Simple, huh? Mom said I should call the line something catchy like _Designs by Rosalie Hale_ but I wanted something short and sweet. Everyone loves a Rose, right?" she grinned a female version of Edward's grin and a lump jumped to the back of my throat.

"Hale?"

"It's my middle name. My mother's maiden name. Oh! And you'll get to meet Grandma and Grandpa Hale on Saturday. They're flying in from Chicago."

"Jasper's middle name is Hale, too," Alice's voice echoed through the shop on her way in from the stockroom. "Isn't that cute?"

"Is that, um..._Edward's_ middle name?" I asked hesitantly. There's no way they could possibly tell how badly I wanted to know, right? How this was the most interesting and important topic of conversation I'd had in days? How my mind was racing with the possibilities of what his middle name might be- - Edward _Thomas_? Edward _Robert_? Edward _James_? Each possibility brought Edward's immaculate face to the surface of my mind – his piercing green eyes, sly smile, dimpled grin, chiseled jaw and stubbled chin. His raging auburn hair, the dangerous curves of his muscled body...not to mention his wild intelligence that made all those other qualities shine brighter.

"Masen," Rosalie said, snapping me out of my daydream. "Edward's middle name is Masen. No family meaning. Mom just thought it sounded good."

"Edward Masen," I mumbled dreamily.

"Rolls of the tongue, doesn't it Bella?" Alice winked.

"Huh?" I blinked. Oh, right, you're in a room with Edward's _sister_. Reign it in, Bella, willya.

"Here. I want you to have these." Rosalie walked to the wall, picked a slinky blood-red blouse and slinkier black skirt off the hook and held them out to me. "They're from my _La dame de fer _Collection, which holds a special place in my heart. I drew all the sketches for the entire line in one night at the top of the Eiffel Tower. It was my first week in Paris and everywhere I looked I found inspiration. I couldn't sleep. All I could do was walk and sit and draw. All day I walked until I couldn't feel my legs. Somehow I made it to the top of the tower with my sketchbook under my arm and the view took my breath away. Can you imagine, a crisp fall evening and the City of Light, _La Ville-Lumière,_ turning into night under your nose? It was magical. I had goosebumps for days.

"...Do you want to try them on? They're your size and I know they'll look amazing on you with your petite frame, dark hair, dark eyes and pale complexion. It's a designer's dream."

"Thank you, Rosalie. This is very kind and generous of you."

"No problem. You'll come then? To the party?"

"Sure," I smiled brightly in acceptance. "I'd love too."

"Awesome! Mom will be so psyched! She really likes you."

"And Jasper will be there!" Alice added. "I haven't seen him since dinner last week. I miss him sooo much!"

"Good thing you saw a _lot_ of him at dinner then," I teased. "I don't think you two made it past the appetizers."

"I went straight for dessert," Alice stuck her little tongue out at me and grabbed her purse. "Let's get something to eat."

"Wanna come to lunch with us?" I asked Rosalie.

"Oh...uh..." she skittered behind the counter and mumbled something that sounded like, "I can't..."

"Yeah she _caaaan't_," Alice taunted as she danced out the door. "Cuz _Emmett's_ coming to take her out. Emmett's going to be at the party, too. First time meeting the parents. ...She's a wreck."

"I am not!" Rosalie snipped. "He's Edward's friend. They've met him before."

"Yeah at Edward's Little League games when they were like_ twelve_. Not as your_ boyfriend_."

"Saturday is about _Edward_," Rosalie huffed and began counting out the register for no reason. "_Not_ about me and Emmett or you and Jasper. Just Edward."

"Whatever you say." Alice winked and led me out by the arm. "Tell Emmy we said hello."

"Rosalie's gonna kill you if you keep giving her shit about Emmett," I laughed as we made our way to the cafe.

"Oh please. She gives me crap about Jasper every second. And he's her brother which makes it ten times worse. Like I really wanna hear about how he used to be afraid of the dark and had to sleep with a Superman nite-lite."

I held back a laugh with the palm of my hand.

"Ok, gossip time," Alice announced as we sat down and ordered salads. "Rosalie's opening a shop in Seattle."

"What? But she just opened this one. She's closing it down?"

"She's moving it to Port Angeles and...here it comes...she's going to let ME run it! Manage the line, hire the staff! Everything! Can you believe it?"

"That's great, Alice! I'm happy for you." And I really was. Alice was such a hard-worker, determined and creative, endless energy and excitement, and she _loved_ fashion. She was perfect for the job.

"Wait there's more. Rosalie's asked me to come to Seattle to help her get the new store up and running. She says I have great ideas and potential. Me! She's already got an apartment lined up and she said I can stay in her spare room."

I could feel the excitement pouring off her. She was a squirmy firefly, a live wire, her hands were shaking. The possibilities were endless for her.

They were _for me_, however, a dead end.

"...When is all this happening?" I gazed into my decaffeinated coffee and forced a smile.

"In the next week or so. ...Oh, Bella, honey don't worry, I'll still be here for you during the pregnancy. I'll go with you on all your visits. I'll make sure I'm back when you need me-"

"No no, you can't do that. You can't put your life on hold for me."

She reached across the table and took my hand.

"Bella. You have to tell your dad. You can't do this alone and eventually - although who the hell knows when with your metabolism - you're going to start to show."

"I know, Alice. I know all this. I just...I'm not ready yet. I still need to figure things out - like what I'm going to do for money. I can't work at Newton's for the rest of my life."

"Ugh no way. He's such a toolbox. Hey maybe I can get you a job with me. You're good with numbers. Maybe Rose could use some office help."

"No more office work," I twisted at the thought.

"Oh, right. Those bitches," she spat and I knew she was referring to Irina and Lauren. She's hated them ever since I told her about the conversation I overheard them having that day at the office.

"It's Lauren. It's not Irina. Irina's sweet. She was sticking up for me."

"Whatevs." Alice rolled her eyes. "What about photography? You used to love to take pictures."

"This is what I mean." I shifted in my chair. "I need some time to think about all this stuff. My head is still swimming with...everything. I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I have a routine, sort of. Go to work, fight off Mike Newton, go home, make Charlie dinner if he's there – which he usually isn't." I put my head in my hands.

"I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to add to the stress. You need to take it easy. Relax. Go to La Push and hang out on the beach with a book."

**oOo**

"Hey Bella, um, what's up?"

I was crouched in the hiking apparel aisle stocking the latest shipment of men's base layer leggings when I heard the voice I spend most of my day avoiding. I cringed and pretended not to notice his incessant ramble.

"The truck came today, huh?" he eyed the stack of boxes and pretended to care. "Hey so listen, I, uh, was wondering if you, um, if you maybe wanted to go to the movies or something? With me?"

I silently wished the customer browsing in the next aisle over suddenly had a desperate need for Under Armour or compression shorts.

"Bella? Did you hear what I said?"

"Huh?" I stood and groaned at the pins and needles in my legs.

"I asked you if you wanted to go to the movies...with me."

"Oh," I darted my eyes away from Mike's face to the clock behind his head. Shit. I had another hour until my shift was over. I couldn't think of any reason why I technically couldn't go to the movies.

Shit.

"When?"

"Saturday? I have to work a double tomorrow. Fucking another ruined Friday," he bitched.

"I can't. I have plans on Saturday."

His face fell and I resumed my shelf-stocking.

"...All day?" he whined like nails on a chalkboard. The hairs prickled up on the back of my neck and I counted to three before answering curtly.

"Um, yeah probably."

There was quiet and I thought he'd finally taken the hint.

"So...another time then?"

Guess I was wrong.

I let out an exhausted, irritated sigh and ripped open another cardboard box filled with leggings.

"Sure, Mike. Yeah, another time. In fact, _time_ would be great right now."

"Ok..." He turned to walk away like he understood but stopped and turned back. "Wait. What do you mean? Like next week?"

That was it. The last straw, the final nail, whatever the saying was. This boy needed it spelled out for him. I rose to my feet, braced my weight against the pile of boxes and made it perfectly clear.

"_Time_, Mike. Time to, oh I dunno, adjust to the passing of my husband perhaps?"

He flinched at the acidity of my words. "Jesus Bella I only asked if you wanted to go to the movies. You don't need to get all deep on me." He pulled at the back of his neck.

My mouth hung open. _That_ was his response? My eyes were bulging and my head was spinning with all the incoherent sentences it was forming.

_Getting DEEP ON YOU? _

_You selfish motherfucker! _

_How dare you!_

But I needed this job. So I puffed my chest out – that he was staring at by the way – and pushed past him.

"There's a customer," I mumbled and hurried to the register.

**oOo**

The line of expensive cars extended halfway down South Mountain Pass as Alice and I drove up to the Cullen residence. Luckily, Alice knew of a secret parking spot behind the carriage house so we didn't have to walk up the drive with rest of the saps – which was the last thing I wanted to do in a short black mini-skirt and pumps.

The grounds of the Cullen home were decorated like the wedding scene from Steel Magnolias. The gazebo in the back was covered with lush arrangements of flowers and strung with twinkling white lights. Waiters carried trays of wine, champagne, and hors d'oeuvres through the crowd. Music was everywhere, pumped in through tiny speakers dotted around the yard in surround sound.

Somehow I managed to loose Alice the moment we stepped out of the car. She said she'd be right back with Jasper but I should have known better. They hadn't seen each other in days. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what they needed to get out of the way first. So I strolled around admiring the gardens and immaculate landscaping. Jake knew a lot about plants and shrubs and flowers and I could name most everything I saw.

The wind grazed my bare shoulders and I was reminded that I was wearing the outfit Rosalie gave me. The zig-zag deep-red blouse and teeny skirt that practically revealed my entire freaking thigh. But Alice insisted I wear it. _You have a great body, Bella. Enjoy it while you can, which won't be long_. She was teasing but it still stung my ego. Not that I ever had an ego to begin with. I never had to impress Jake with a killer bod or skimpy clothes. He was easy to please physically. Missionary position and I could just zone out.

Even in the sea of people covering the lawn, Edward was the first person I saw, standing by the grill near the side of the house, bottle of beer in hand. There was no missing him, for me at least. Tall and lean, he was wearing a fitted black tee that stopped just below the waistband of his dark jeans, cuffed at the bottom and those Converse again. He had on black Ray-Bans that he pushed to the top of his head and into his thick hair when he saw me across the lawn.

His eyes widened as I approached and I could feel the heat of his stare as they traveled down my body.

"Hi, Edward," I said non-nonchalantly like we'd been friends for ages. He smiled and the dimples appeared.

"It's nice to see you, Isabella. I mean, _Bella_. Would you like a beer?" He pointed to the cooler at his feet.

I'd like nothing more than an ice cold beer.

"No thanks. I'll just have a water."

He reached into the cooler and pulled out a bottle of Fiji. He twisted off the cap and handed it to me.

"The _La dame de fer_ Collection," he said, once again raising his eyebrows and gesturing to my outfit. The words rolled effortlessly off his tongue.

"You know it?"

He nodded playfully. "They're the pieces that got Rose her first runway show in Paris. I remember the day she faxed me the sketches. I laid all of them out on the floor of my dorm and walked around in them. They blew my mind. I knew it was the start of something big for her. She still does that, y'know – send me her stuff, I mean. To get my opinion, ask me what I think."

"And what do you think?"

Had I suddenly grown a set of balls? I bit the corner of my bottom lip and waited.

"I think they're some of the most incredible designs she's ever created." Edward cocked his head to the side and paused. "Although it could just be the model."

I blushed and chewed on the inside of my cheek. "I...I uh..."

"You know what it means? ..._La dame de fer_?"

I shook my head. Languages were never my thing, yet I wouldn't mind if Edward spoke nothing but French for the rest of his life even if I meant I'd never understand another word he said. It was devilishly sexy.

"_The iron woman_. It's a nickname for the Eiffel Tower."

_Ahhhh, makes sense. _

"So, med school huh? Congratulations." I socked him playfully in his rock hard bicep.

"Thanks. Not too shabby for a Forks High grad, huh?"

"Haha, yeah not bad indeed. They'll probably erect a monument in your honor now and everyone will have to say the Pledge of Allegiance around you every morning."

"Pfft. At the very least I should get my portrait hung in the auditorium."

We both laughed and it was easy and nice to just stand here and _talk_ to him.

"Now what?"

He shrugged modestly and handed me a hot dog from the grill. I hadn't asked for one but I took it with a nod. How did he know I was starving?

"I start my residency in the fall."

"Hmm. Should I know what that means?" I asked, taking a bite.

"It's what you do after you receive your medical degree. It typically starts in June but since I'll be working with my father, they're letting me count that time towards the program."

"Wow." I took a sip of water and swallowed. "Rosalie said you're staying in Forks for the summer?"

"Rosalie hears what she wants to hear," Edward smiled like it was nothing new.

"Oh," I replied, trying to hold back the disappointment from my voice. "You're not, then?"

"No I am," he answered, biting into his hot dog and licking the ketchup from the corner of his mouth.

"Huh? I thought...wait...I'm confused."

"I have to go back to Boston a few more times to iron out the details of my residency," he said while he chewed. "A final interview and a few other technicalities. Then I'll be going to Northwestern with my father for a week here and there, for the experience and to build contacts. But other than that, I'll be here in glorious Forks," he grinned and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

"Yeah, right. _Glorious_," I repeated and gave him a mini eye-roll.

"Oh it's not so bad here. We'll find things to do."

Huh? We _will_? _We_? We're a _we_? Since when were me and Edward a..._we_?

"Bella!" Esme called out as she crossed the lawn in a flowy summer dress and sandals. "Welcome. I'm so glad you could make it. You look lovely."

"Thank you," I blushed, looking down at myself and remembering what I was wearing. "They're Rosalie's," I added. _There's nothing in my closet that looks anything like this._

"Well they look wonderful on you. ...Very pretty indeed. The designs _and _the girl," she smiled and then flicked her eyes at Edward who was gazing down at me intently.

"Edward, there's some people your father would like to introduce you to. Co-workers, from the hospital."

Edward nodded and went with her. "See you later, Bella," he called over his shoulder and I waved like a dork.

I wandered around the gardens and did a lap around the gazebo soaking in the beauty of the grounds. The lush green grass was perfectly manicured and sunk beneath my footsteps. Every now and then I'd see a flash of Alice's spiky hair usually right next to the shock of Jasper's light blonde curls.

Alice and Jazz (I heard Alice call him that, I'd never make that up) caught my eye and waved at me from across the lawn. They each had a beer in their hand and were chatting with friends I didn't recognize.

I heard Rosalie's voice from behind me.

"Bella you came! The clothes look great on you! I knew they would." She hugged me and pulled a boy next to her.

"Bella, this is Emmett. My...boyfriend." Her face reddened.

"Don't worry, babe. You'll get used to saying it," Emmett said, putting his arm around her and kissing her temple. "Just like you got used to saying my name every night."

"Emmett!" Rosalie squealed, pushing into him. He didn't budge. Emmett was an ox. A linebacker with short black hair, light eyes and a boyish grin. He rippled under the tight waffle-tee he was wearing. Seriously, I could see each individual ab through his shirt. The boy was ripped. Abercrombie model indeed.

"So you're Bella. It's nice to finally meet you. ...You _are_ hot," he said, checking me out and receiving another rib smash from Rosalie.

"What? Edward said it first," he turned to me. "That night at the bar. You were _smokin_'. Yeah I checked you out. I'm a dude after all. But, I only have eyes for my Rosie here." He kissed her forehead again and she melted into him.

With that the clouds darkened, a rumbling came from the distance and the sky opened without warning, sending sprinkles at first and then sheets of rain pouring down on the festivities. Emmett picked Rose up in his arms and ran off with her. "Come on Bella!" he yelled. People ran and scattered like ants into the house and under the gazebo. By the time it took for me to dash up the porch steps from the driveway I was soaked to the bone, my hair plastered to the sides of my face, lines of water streaming down my chest and back.

The front hall was packed with guests shaking off the rain. Wait staff handed out towels. I ducked around the corner and attempted to find Alice or Rosalie.

It wasn't long before I was once again walking aimlessly though the hallway maze. Too embarrassed to ask anyone for directions, I found myself in the sunroom made entirely of glass and overlooking the massive expanse of the sprawling backyard. The drill of water against the windows was soothing. I sat on one of the many cushioned lounge chairs and crossed my legs with a sigh. I liked it in here.

"Now this is starting to get weird." A familiar velvety voice echoed around the room and I stood up like a shot. Edward stood in the doorway with his arms crossed at his chest. He was thoroughly drenched. His shirt stuck to him everywhere and his sneakers squeaked when he walked.

"I'm sorry it rained on your party," I said softly, watching the water coat the windows. "I forgot how much it rains in Forks."

Edward shrugged. "It's no big deal." He stood next to me and we watched it fall together. He was close enough for me to smell his minty scent mixed with rain and beer.

"It was nice of your family to invite me."

"It was nice of you to come." He turned and I could feel him even though we weren't touching. His eyes were bright and shining; were they always like that? They danced and played with me and sent sparks through the air, sparks I could actually see. Could he see them? Or was I already developing the dreaded 'pregnancy-brain' Alice was telling me about. She even bought me books it and a myriad of other topics I'd rather not think about.

I chewed on my bottom lip and watched his chest rise and fall with the shallow breaths he was taking. If I moved my hand in any direction I would touch a part of him. We were _that _close. If I exhaled, he'd know. He'd be able to smell my breath, to feel it fan across his face.

"Bella, I-" he said, the words coming out strangled and forced like he was trying to hold them back.

"Edward? What is it?" Is it the same thing I'm thinking?

His eyes had darkened forest green and darted from my left eye to my right. He wet his bottom lip with his tongue and I thought I'd lose it right there. He inhaled again like he was going to speak but he let the breath go without saying anything. There was a mist around us; a mist inside a bubble and I was just waiting for something to happen. The electricity hummed inside the bubble and I almost laughed at how loud it was. But I didn't. What if he couldn't hear it and was insulted that I started laughing during such an intense moment?

"I-" he said again. It was like being on a roller coaster that stopped midway down, jerking everyone in their seats before starting up the hill only to stop again.

It was so quiet in the room – other than the hum – you could hear the drops from our soaked clothes splattering on the wood floor.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Edward lifted his hand and hesitated, before following through and gently swiping his palm across my forehead. I closed my eyes as he brushed back my matted hair.

"You're shivering," he murmured, his hand now cupping my bare upper arm.

"So are you," I whispered. His hair was sopping. Water trickled down the sides of his face, down his neck and into his shirt.

"I'm sure Rose can lend you a change of clothes," he said, his eyes following the contours of my face. "Or...I have sweatpants and a sweatshirt. ...In my room."

My mouth hung open. Was that an invitation or a dismissal?

The sound of people approaching let the air back into the room.

"There's the college graduate!" The two cutest old people I had ever seen came shuffling in. They were dry and dressed to the nines. The old man wearing a smart pin-striped blue suit. The few fine hairs he had left on his head were combed neatly. The old woman wore a taupe knee-length dress and white fur stole. Her bluish hair was sprayed immovable and her horn-rimmed glasses were back in fashion.

"Oh Edward I am so proud of you!" she exclaimed.

"Hi grandma, Hi grandpa," Edward said politely, giving each of them a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"The future Doctor Cullen," she beamed. "And a heart surgeon at that! The best heart surgeon in the country!"

"Not yet, grandma," he blushed. "I still have a long way to go."

"Nonsense," she pished.

"You didn't get too wet did you?" Edward asked, desperate to change the subject.

"Oh no darling, we're fine. Your grandfather fought in Germany during World War II. ..._Nazi's_, dear. A little rain doesn't scare him."

I giggled and Grandma Hale's cloudy eyes shot over to me.

"Oh my - And who is this beautiful lady?"

"This is Isabella - " Edward answered, stopping short of giving my full name.

"You can call me Bella," I said warmly and shook their wrinkled hands.

"Well now, Edward dear, did you bring Bella back with you? Is she the-?"

"No," Edward interrupted swiftly and lurched himself between his grandparents and me. "She's from Forks...originally. She just moved back. She's Chief Swan's daughter."

"Isn't that nice. Well then," she sighed, already bored with the conversation. "I hear they've brought the drink cart into the kitchen. I think that means it's time I refreshed my martini. Come along, Albert. Lovely meeting you, Isabella, dear. I'm sure I'll see you for dessert." She took her husband's arm and they shuffled out.

Edward turned to me and sighed. "Sorry about that. Do you prefer to go by Swan or Black?" he asked carefully and spaced his words. "Just so I know how to introduce you. I don't want to presume that you...I mean, I don't want you to feel awkward..." he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed louder this time. "...kind of like how I'm making you feel at this exact moment."

"You mean this moment right now? ...Or _this _moment?" I joked. "Sorry, another lame attempt at being funny. God, I _suck_."

Edward chuckled and rang out the bottom of his shirt. "Yeah that one was bad. But seriously, I'm sorry if-"

"Don't worry about it, Edward. Really. I appreciate your concern but don't beat yourself up. There's no right way to ask a widow how she'd like to be addressed."

"A widow," he whispered the words to the wall. "Geez."

"I know." It was my turn to sigh. "But, that's what I am."

Edward looked at me and there was that pull again. He was thinking and it knitted his brow.

"I forget sometimes," he said softly. "And besides, that's not _all _you are."

A fire of butterflies erupted in my belly and the heat from my blush fizzled any water that was left on my skin.

"Speechless, again," I mumbled under my breath, in absolute awe at the way he consistently left me at a loss for words.

A chill sent shivers through me. Edward must have seen it because we were soon headed up a flight of stairs that led to another flight and then down a hall where things were looking a bit more familiar and then down a corridor that led to a pair of double doors at the end.

"This is my room-" Edward pushed down on the handles and opened the doors.

I don't know what I expected Edward's bedroom to look like. Until that moment, the thought that I'd be here had never entered my mind. I knew relatively little about Edward - his interests, likes, dislikes, hobbies, fears - and yet I found him to be subtle and intriguing with a wealth of awesomeness just below his surface.

"Ignore the mess - if you can," he said with a tinge of embarrassment to his voice. He tugged at his hair as we stood in the middle of the carpeted room. Suitcases were flung open on the floor with clothes strew across the king-sized bed. Books were stacked in lopsided piles and bunched haphazardly on shelves. The stereo was on and Kid A played softly through the surround sound speakers.

I hummed along.

Edward's ears perked up and a big grin spread across his face. "You like Radiohead?"

"I love them. This album is great."

"They're my favorite band! They're playing in Seattle next week. Hey! we should go! I mean, if you want to."

"Shut _up_ are you kidding?" I shrieked. "I've always wanted to see them live!"

"We _have_ to go then! I saw them play in Boston last year. It was the most amazing show I've ever seen!" He flipped open another suitcase filled with wires and electronics and pulled out his silver MacBook.

"I'll get tickets." He looked so happy, like a little boy at Christmas.

"Won't it be sold out?"

"Don't you worry your pretty little head about that. Leave it to me."

**oOo**

No one seemed to notice that I was walking around the house in an oversized Harvard University sweatshirt and sweatpants. They were soft and comfy and smelled laundry fresh. Edward had changed into a Red Sox t-shirt, that I told him not to let Charlie catch him wearing, and a pair of pajama bottoms he got in Vegas. They were covered with dice and sayings like, _Hard Eight_.

We stayed upstairs in his room until the storm passed. There was a gorgeous upright piano in the corner of his room littered with sheet music. I spun around and looked at Edward in awe.

"Oh. my. god," I said, pointing at it with my jaw hanging open. "Play something."

He did as he was told and walked over to the beautiful instrument, his perfect musical compliment, and sat down.

"What do you want to hear?"

I sat on the end of his bed and looked around the room. "I dunno. Surprise me."

"Okaaaay, that's no pressure," he groaned sarcastically.

He took a deep breath and scratched the back of his neck.

"_Uhhhhhh_, ok, here, let's try this." He sat up straight and stretched his arms over his head. "I don't usually get performance anxiety but something tells me that if I mess this up, you'll never let me hear the end of it."

"Pffft, whatever. Stop stalling and play."

Edward chuckled and did just that. Except he didn't give warning. He didn't warm up, he didn't do a scale or run his fingers over the keys. He just started playing, like he'd been doing it since the moment we walked into the room. And it wasn't just his playing – which was spot on – it was _what_ he was playing. Like he _knew_ what it would do to me. Like he'd been paying attention and just fucking_ knew_.

And then, to kill me further, he opened his mouth. And he sang.

_While you make pretty speeches_

_I'm being cut to shreds_

_You feed me to the lions_

_A delicate balance_

_And this just feels like_

_Spinning plates_

_I'm living in cloud cuckoo land_

_And this just feels like_

_Spinning plates_

_Our bodies floating a muddy river_

"You have to sing when you play that song otherwise it doesn't sound right," he shrugged apologetically after the last note faded. "Hope I didn't butcher it too bad. It's impossible to sing like Thom Yorke."

"No no it was..." Gorgeous, amazing, breathtaking. "...really good. That's my favorite song from the album."

Edward smiled brightly. He seemed genuinely pleased. "I'm glad."

"...Where'd you learn to play like that?"

"I taught myself." He ghosted his fingers over the keys. "I used to sit at the piano for hours - we have a baby grand downstairs - and 'make music'. That's what my mom said I called it." He chuckled and shook his head at the memory.

"How old were you when you started?"

"Six."

"Wow. _Six_. That's incredible. You have real talent, Edward. Unlike me. I don't have a talented bone in my body."

The truth in that statement solidified the fact that I'd never have anything to offer a man like Edward Cullen. He was gifted beyond words, brilliant beyond measurement and could play Chopin with his eyes closed if I asked him. He was going to be a doctor and could be a lawyer or senator if he put his mind to it. The possibilities were endless for him. The road was a dead end for me.

I fidgeted awkwardly at the foot of his bed, my hands placed limply in my lap. I stared at my bitten cuticles and talentless fingers that couldn't find middle C on a keyboard if you paid them. There was nothing else to say. He had to know it too. It was right in front of him, clear as day. It didn't add up. I didn't compute. I didn't fit into the formula of his perfect life.

The mattress sagged and I turned to find him sitting beside me. He leaned forward and brushed my hair from my shoulder. He titled his head to the side and smiled.

"That's not true."


	7. Hold on

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight

* * *

**The most tender place in my heart is for strangers**  
**I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous**

**- Neko Case  
**

_At this time, Bella has been back in Forks for a little over two weeks. That would make her 8 weeks pregnant._

_**oOo**  
_

The day was turning into a scorcher for Forks standards. Last time I checked the porch, the thermostat attached to the rail read eighty-seven degrees. Child's play if you lived in Arizona, but this eighty-seven degrees came with 100% humidity and Charlie had yet to invest in central air.

Every window in the house was wide open in an effort to get some air circulation going, but the plan backfired and succeeded only in letting in more moisture and humidity.

When the doorbell rang I was in the basement trying to drag out the dehumidifier Charlie kept next to the washing machine. In doing so I had somehow cleverly managed to pin myself between both of the hulking pre-historic appliances and the wall and was now yelling upstairs for whoever was at the door to let themselves in and rescue me.

"_Hello?_" came a hesitant voice that sounded like it was a million miles away on the surface of the moon.

"I'm down here! Just come in!" I screeched as I wriggled myself into an even more stuck position wedged between the two machines. "Goddamn it," I growled. "I said come _in_!" _Rob me, whatever, just get me out of here_, I thought. Claustrophobia was creeping in and the mustiness of the basement was making me heady.

"_Bella_?" came the voice again, closer this time. I heard the front door close and footsteps sound above my head. It was a male voice. _The Fed Ex delivery guy? UPS perhaps? I'll take serial killer at this point._

"In the basement!" I begged. I was sweating now, _really_ sweating. Gross upper lip sweating. Each breath I took was full of hot, foul tasting stagnant air full of mold spores and bugs that would attach themselves to my vital organs and fester inside me until I broke out in festering, gorey lesions.

"_Hurry up!_" I bellowed, slamming my palms down over and over on the top of the washing machine. The basement door swung open and footsteps pounded down the creaky wooden steps. I craned my neck around to see who was coming and let out a simultaneous squeak and sigh of relief.

It was Edward. A look of concern bordering on panic creased his forehead and he was by my side in an instant, his eyes all over my face, assessing the situation. I almost didn't recognize him – he was wearing a baseball cap, a muscle tee, and tight baseball pants – but his eyes and chiseled features were unmistakable.

"Oh thank god! Get me out of here!" I cried.

"What the hell happened?" he asked, immediately going to the other side of the washer and using all his strength to move it back even an inch. My thoughts of starvation and eventual death and dismemberment by basement trolls briefly gave way to thoughts of how fucking amazing Edward looked as the muscles in his cut arms tensed and flexed and how his low guttural groan echoed off the stone walls.

"Jesus this thing weighs a ton," he grunted, letting the washer drop to the cement floor with a loud clang. "Tell Charlie he should invest in a model from this century. I'm sure Sears is having a sale." He pushed his baseball cap through his hair and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand before adjusting the brim back into place. It was the single sexiest thing I'd ever seen him, or any man, do.

"Can you get out?" he asked, checking me out to see how much space he created.

"Huh?" I answered dreamily.

"I managed to move it a little. Do you have room to get out?"

Oh right. I'm stuck.

Arching my back, I pushed against the appliance and shimmied my butt around but I still couldn't pry myself away from the wall.

"Ugh no. You're going to have to move it back more."

"Uh uh no way. I'm not pulling my back out lifting that relic. I'll find another way to get you unstuck."

He walked around the basement perimeter, surveying the row of ancient-looking cans and jars that lined the shelves above. None had labels but a few had Charlie's chicken-scratch handwriting scrawled across them. Edward reached up and lifted one off the shelf.

"Here we go. Motor oil. I'll lube you up with this and you'll be out in no time," he winked, walking towards me with a rusted can.

"Don't even think about it. Get away from me with that thing," I squealed, trying not to laugh. He looked so devious, like a little boy playing with a helpless bunny tied to a tree.

"Come on, Edward," I whined. "Stop playing around. This is really uncomfortable."

The angst in my voice changed his demeanor and he got a serious look on his face. He put the can down and took a step back.

"Ok, um," he tapped his index finger to his chin while he pondered the situation. "Since you're choosing to be stubborn and are vetoing the terrific idea of being oiled up, which I'm sure would have you out in an instant, I'm going to come around behind you and try to lift you out with the tremendous power of my sheer brute strength."

He held back a laugh and walked around me like a lion circling his prey. The hairs on my arms stood up in response to the electricity he brought with him. I sucked in my breath and held it. I hope he couldn't notice that I wasn't wearing a bra.

He put his hands on my waist where the top of my short jean shorts met the sliver of bare skin not covered by my tank top. His fingers felt like velvet pads and his warm breath fanned across the back of my neck.

"Don't move," he said softly. "Just be loose, like you're boneless. Got it?"

I nodded. He adjusted his stance, tightened his grip on me and pulled upwards with force. The skin on my upper thighs rubbed painfully against the side of the washer and I cried out. Edward let go immediately and ran around to face me.

"Shit I'm sorry. Are you alright? You're _really_ stuck."

I was ready to cry, not from the pain but from the utter frustration of being helpless and weak. "I fucking _know_ _that, Edward,_ and it's driving me fucking _nuts _and I'm going to go fucking _crazy_ if I have to stay down here another fucking _second_!" I banshee-wailed. Edward looked at me curiously for a moment and then busted out laughing.

"It's not funny!" I growled, pushing with all my might against the washer. It wouldn't budge.

"No you're right, it's not funny. I'm sorry," he giggled. "I've just never heard you curse like that."

"I'm really frustrated right now," I sighed, pushing my hair out of my face and tightening my ponytail.

"I know. I know. I am too. This really sucks. How about we try it one more time and if it doesn't work I'll attempt to pull the washing machine further out and then use your phone to make an appointment with my chiropractor." He winked at me and a fire burned in my chest and I was struck with how happy I was that he was here.

"Thank you, Edward," I smiled sincerely.

"Don't thank me yet." He stood behind me again, this time caging me in his arms and bracing his palms against the edge of the washer.

"Put your hands on my arms," he instructed.

I looked down and saw his tan forearms ridged with planes of muscle and soft hairs on either side of my waist. I placed my palms on them and dug my fingers in. He didn't wince even though I'm sure I was hurting him.

"When I say GO, I'm going to push out as hard as I can against this monster and you're going to push up with all your might and start wriggling free. Are you ready?"

"I'm ready." I felt his chest press against my back as he inhaled sharply.

"GO!" He shoved against me and I felt the slightest relief and whoosh of air across my stomach. He had moved it! Even if it was only the slightest bit I now had a chance to wriggle free. I slammed the force of my upper body down on his arms and started writhing and pushing up and out, just like Edward told me to. It all happened so fast, ten seconds or less. Once I'd freed my butt, my most luscious asset, I felt Edward's arm come under me. He was now holding back the washer with one arm and carrying me in his other.

"Put your arms around my neck, Bella." His voice was strained and I knew I needed to listen quickly. Before I could process the fact that my hands were clasped and fingering the slick sweaty hairs at the back of Edward's neck, or the fact that his long, strong fingers were digging into the meat of my hips, I felt the firmness of the floor beneath me as he placed me on my feet. His hands remained at my hips and my hands were still clasped behind his neck as we stood flush against each other, catching our breath.

"There," he said breathlessly. "_Now_ you can thank me."

Letting go of my hips he took a step back and looked me over.

"How are your legs?"

"Um..." I looked down at the deep red lines gouged into my upper thighs. "A little sore but I'm fine."

"Do you have Vaseline or salve?"

"Charlie has a variety of sports ointments but they all smell like armpit. I'll be fine."

"Whatever you say," Edward consented with a grin.

"So, what's with the cleats?" I asked, pointing at his funny looking sneakers.

"Emmett needed an outfielder for today's game." He motioned that we should head upstairs. I led the way carefully holding onto the railing.

"...Game?" I asked when we'd reached the kitchen.

"McCarty Motors versus Aro's Auto Body. Biggest game of the season for the Forks Softball League. Unfortunately, last night Emmett's star player sprained his ankle, fractured his wrist, and broke his jaw taking his chocolate Lab for a walk. Took off after a squirrel and dragged him three blocks. Emmett called ten minutes ago in a panic, so I said I'd help," he shrugged modestly.

"That was nice of you."

"Wasn't it?" He handed me a glass of water I didn't see him pour and took a sip from his own.

"And the reason you're here?" I asked.

"Oh, right. Other than being an on-call Knight in Shining Armor," he grinned. "I wanted to see if you'd like to come to the game."

**oOo**

The parking lot near the field was packed with cars; tons of people milled around, their arms carrying piles of blankets and coolers and radios. They had signs supporting various players from both teams and the excitement was electric. Grills were smoking heaps of burgers and hot dogs and I could see the pitchers warming up in the bullpen at the other end of the field.

It was a shame Rosalie couldn't make it. She and Alice were working on rush custom designs for a high profile celebrity wedding in Los Angeles next month and would most likely be up all night finishing the drawings and fittings. I made a mental note to take many more mental notes in preparation for Alice's inevitable interrogation.

Edward parked behind the dugout and came around to my side of the car to open my door for me. I stepped out and immediately heads turned. Curious stares with countless pairs of searching eyes were pinned on me. Their mouths moved with interest as Edward slipped his hand in mine and assisted me out of the car.

"Jesus. It's like you're a celebrity or something," I grumbled, trying not to trip as Edward pulled me along.

"Nah," he brushed it off and ushered me through the crowd towards the bleachers next to the dugout. "They're like that with all the players."

"Oh _please_, Edward," I snorted. "Look at the way they're looking at you. ...They're shameless."

Edward chuckled and with one hand he opened the gate that led to the stands. "Actually, Bella, they're looking at _you_."

And he was right. They _were _looking at me. They were staring, following every step I took to see how I acted around Edward, to see if I'd touch him, if I'd make a statement, if I'd do something to make it known to the crowd that he was mine. He wasn't mine but that wasn't what they were looking for. They were waiting to eat me alive if I so much as took his hand or let him put his arm around me.

Edward stopped at the foot of the stands and motioned to a section of bleachers removed from the rest of the crowd. They were marked _Reserved_.

"What's this?"

"These are the reserved bleacher seats. For friends and family."

"They're empty."

"They won't be for long. We still have warm-ups and run-throughs before the game starts. My parents usually show up before first pitch. Jasper probably won't make it til the seventh inning. ...Bastard," Edward teased. "Enjoy the game, Bella. I'm glad you decided to come."

Edward dropped me off with a goodbye and ran to join his teammates in the dugout. They gave him a series of high fives and slaps on the ass. From all the games I'd watched with Jake, I knew this to be a normal greeting and sign of affection in the baseball world.

"Bella!" I turned to find Emmett jogging towards me fully decked out in his McCarty Motors uniform.

"Hey girl! I didn't expect to see you here. You like baseball?"

Embarrassment overtook me, heating my face. "Edward invited me," I blurted out.

"Hey no need to explain. The more fans in the stands the better. We need all the bleacher support we can get today. Aro's team is a killer," Emmett sneered in the direction of the opposing team's dugout. "They're undefeated. ..._Undefeated assholes_," he muttered.

"Yikes. That sucks."

"Yeah, it's ok though. We have one thing they don't."

"What's that?"

"We have _Edward,_" he grinned a dimple-filled grin. "They have _no_ _idea_ what they're in for."

Emmett held out his arm for me to balance on as I climbed up a few rows of bleachers and sat down.

"Thank _god_ he's home this summer."

"You're lucky he knows how to play that position, huh?"

"Pfft. Edward can play _every_ position. Outfield, shortstop, all the bases. If it were up to me, I'd take today's pitcher out and put Edward in. Well, technically it _is_ up to me cuz it's my team, but I can't do that. That'd be fucked up, plus James is a decent pitcher. Anyways, with Edward in the outfield we could put my fucking _sister_ on the mound and they still wouldn't be able to get one past ole Eddie-boy."

"He's that good huh?"

Emmett chuckled and crossed his muscled arms across his massive chest. "Oh you just watch."

**oOo**

"You're coming."

It was nearing the end of my shift and I was standing at the register counting out the days receipts. I looked up reluctantly and sighed in happy relief to see Alice's smiling face in front of me and not Mike Newton's drooling stare. He'd really been relentless with the boob-staring lately. Ok, yeah they'd swelled up a bit – I read that it's normal around eight weeks into your pregnancy for your breasts to grow – but shit, you'd think I was Dolly fucking Parton the way his mouth hangs open every time he sees me, like he's preparing to suckle like the pig that he is.

"Coming where?" I asked.

"To Jessica's going away party," Alice said, fingering the display rack of tacky belt buckles. "She got that great teaching job in Seattle, remember? She's leaving in a few weeks."

"Shit. Already?" I gave her a questioning look. It couldn't be coming up so quickly.

"Yes, already. Time sure flies, huh?" Alice tittered. "Geez, bunny, Where's your head been lately?"

...

I gave Edward my phone number on the day of his graduation party. We were in his room, on his bed to be precise. He was sitting next to me, his thigh touching mine, the sweet smell of his clothes in my nose and the rain plunking off the rails of the balcony outside his bedroom window.

He had just said something sweet and he was smiling. His eyes sparkled the most vibrant shade of green, brighter now than the moment before, they held the reactions of his emotions and they'd betray him every time. They'd give away all his secrets. I made a mental note to look into them as often as possible.

His hand rested on my shoulder, his fingers lightly playing with an end of my hair. This was a moment where my inexperience shown through. I had no idea how to move past it and onto the next _thing_, the next moment. The needle had reached the end of the record and was skipping. I could live in the skip forever and bathe in Edward's eyes and let him play with my hair and breathe in his scent, but the air was potent and I was losing my head. I needed a distraction.

I lunged behind him and grabbed his iPhone off the bedside table.

"An iPhone, huh? Why am I not surprised? Do you even get reception up here?"

"Barely," Edward said, rolling his eyes. "If I stand in the far left corner of the balcony on one leg I can talk for like thirty seconds before I get disconnected."

"Jeez, and you actually know how to work this thing?" I grumbled, fumbling and sliding my thumb over the screen in a pitiful attempt to get it to do something.

"Uh _yeah_, and it's not even close to what you're doing," Edward chuckled, taking the device out of my hand. He pressed five buttons in a millisecond and handed it back me. "Here, try it now."

I looked down at my name on the screen in bright blue letters.

"How'd my name get on there?"

"I programmed it. Now all you have to do is type in your number."

...

"Bella? Helloooo?" Alice waved her manicured nails in front of my face. "Did you hear what I just said? _Jessica's party_? Ben and Angela will be there too. They're visiting her aunt in Vancouver but they'll be back in time. You want to see them, right?"

"Of course I do," I said absentmindedly. "When is it?"

"A week from Saturday, but I was thinking – _this_ Saturday, you, me, Port Angeles. We can go dress shopping and then to dinner. A total girl's day out."

"I can't."

"What? Why not?"

"Edward invited me to a show."

"What kind of show?"

"A concert. A band we both like." I didn't want to go into details with her. First of all, she's like a fucking crime scene investigator and secondly I was already freaking out about spending serious alone time with Edward without Alice sending my blood pressure through the roof.

"Where?"

"In Seattle."

"Oh. ...He's driving you? You'll be driving together?"

"Yes we'll be driving together."

"In the same car?"

"Are you for real?" I sighed in exasperation. "_Yes_ in the same car."

"Are you staying overnight?"

"Maybe, Alice. _Why_?" I snapped. "What's with the third degree?"

She was quiet for a moment and then looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes.

"You barely know him."

Great. Here we go. I should have known she'd get all over-protective on me, which I appreciated but I wasn't going to let her create more guilt in me than I'd already put there myself. I dug my heels in.

"I barely know _Rosalie_ but something tells me you wouldn't be giving me crap if I was going with _her_. Plus you were like,_ throwing me_ at him in the bar last week."

Her voice remained calm and controlled and she spoke carefully. "You like him. I know you do. I can tell. You went to his game-"

"He invited me!" I interrupted, slamming the till drawer shut. "It's not like I just showed up there all _Surprise I'm at your game_! He asked me and I said I'd go. What the hell is wrong with that?"

"Nothing Bell..."

"What is it?" I demanded.

"...There's something you should know."

"Uh huh?" I nudged, crossing my arms. "And? Christ Alice this is a really shitty way to start off a conversation. Now spill it before Mike shows up and ruins my day."

"This might ruin your day, too.

"Oh for god sakes just tell me!"

"Fine." She plopped her bag on the counter and leaned in.

"Edward..."

"Yessss? Edward?"

"He has a girlfriend."

Somewhere an earthquake shook the ground and tremors rolled under my feet.

I steadied my breathing, hid my shaking hands under the register and shrugged my shoulders in indifference, pretending not to care.

"...So?" I swallowed thickly, trying to concentrate on counting receipt sales.

"Rosalie mentioned it in passing yesterday. Her name's Tanya. She lives in Boston. ...Did you know?"

I ignored the question and stuffed the receipts into a manila envelope.

"Did he tell you he had a girlfriend?" Alice pressed.

"No," I answered curtly.

"Have you told him about...y'know?" Her eyes roamed down to my belly. I shot her the look of death and pulled my sweater closed.

"What difference does it make anyway?" I huffed stubbornly trying to hide the hurt. "We don't talk about his life in Boston or my life back in Phoenix. He has every right to have a girlfriend. We're just friends."

"Friends talk about who they're dating."

"It's none of my business."

"They why do you look like you're going to cry?

**oOo**

It was waiting for me when I got home from work in a pile of bills and flyers and under the TV Guide. A white envelope with black writing and immediately I knew what it contained. It was addressed to _Isabella Black_. It felt odd, yet comforting, to see my married name staring up at me from the letter-sized envelope with my Forks, Washington address written underneath.

I turned it over and, just as I thought, the name written on the back confirmed the sender. _Leah Clearwater._ Her house number and street were the same, which meant she hadn't moved. She hadn't called either. Not since I arrived in Forks. It had been two weeks now and no word from anyone in Phoenix except Irina, who'd called multiple times just to say hello, and to ask where the circuit breaker was located. She was staying in my house indefinitely and never pestered me for information on when or if I'd be coming back. She was a really nice girl and out of everything I missed about Phoenix, I missed the opportunity to become better friends with her the most.

Charlie would be home in two hours so I started on dinner. Pasta seemed the easiest and the dish we had all the ingredients to. I dumped ziti in boiling water and started on the salad even though I doubted Charlie ate anything leafy on purpose unless it came as a side dish at the diner. My morning sickness had settled down recently, only acting up first thing in the morning. I hadn't thrown up in over a week and even that time it was more drama than actual show. Alice said I was getting off easy, that her mom was violently ill throughout her entire pregnancy – so sick she was even throwing up on the table in the delivery room. At least I had one thing going for me.

I dropped the letter on the table and sat down, pulling my messenger bag onto my lap and digging through it until I found my cell phone. Scrolling through the missed calls, of which there weren't many, I came to Edward's number and stopped.

Why do I torture myself? Alice had just given me information that should have completely turned me off to doing what I was about to do.

But I did it anyway.

I called into my voicemails. It was the only one.

I played it. Again.

"_Hey Bella, it's Edward. I just wanted to make sure you got home alright. I know it only takes ten minutes to get to your house from mine, but a lot can happen in ten minutes and Alice drives like a fucking maniac. I hope you're not freaked that I called. I can never figure that out about girls, like when's a good time to call or how long you should wait. Shit like that drives me nuts. I always end up calling too soon and leaving rambling messages...kind of like this one. Great. Ok, well, you have my number now, so, I'd really like to hear from you. I mean, I 'd really like it if you called me back...tonight. So I know you're ok. Ok. That's it. Bye."_

That was the first night I talked on the phone with Edward Cullen. I called him back immediately, telling myself it was purely so he wouldn't worry, and knowing it was really because the mere fact that he'd called, for whatever reason, made my skin flood with chills and the excitement of hearing his voice in my ear gave me butterflies.

I forgot when we stopped talking or how I ended up in my bed, but that's precisely where I woke hours later with the phone still pressed to my ear and the clock on the bedside table glowing 5:15am.

Talking to Edward was easy and natural. There weren't any awkward pauses or uncomfortable silences while we thought of something to say. The conversation flowed from topic to topic with ease and only got stuck when one of us couldn't stop laughing.

Edward didn't make me forget who I was – he did the opposite. Edward made me _remember_. He made me remember what it was like to have your heart thump in your chest while you listened to someone else talk. To laugh so hard you thought you'd be sick. To get angry and then make up in the same sentence. To want to keep talking and answering questions and asking your own because there's nothing not interesting about the person you're talking to. And the euphoria of knowing that they seem just as interested in every single thing you have to say, no matter how much you stumble over your words.

I guess the problem was the one thing we _didn't_ talk about. Our love lives. Partially because Edward didn't bring it up and mostly because I didn't want to know if he was with someone. I didn't expect him to ask me about Jake. He was far too polite and respectful to broach that subject. Our relationship was too undefined to start drawing boundaries, but I knew Edward was stepping lightly with me.

The answer to the question bubbling below the surface came out of Alice's mouth that afternoon and it surprised me how much it hurt to hear her say it. I had no hold or ownership over Edward. He wasn't obliged to share details of his personal life with me and I sure as shit had no right to hold it against him. There was a life growing inside me that I was keeping from 99.9% of the people I knew. Edward could be on his third unsuccessful marriage and I was in no position to judge his decisions.

Then why was my gut twisted into a reef knot? Why was I holding back the tears? Why was my chin quivering like I'd just been betrayed by my new best friend? It wasn't because I wanted to be with Edward - that was impossible. It was because I thought – _I'd hoped _- that he considered me a friend, someone he could confide in. I hadn't had many friends in my life. I could probably count on two hands the number of friends I'd _ever _had and I surely could count on one hand the number I had currently. And yes, Edward was one of them. He had the pinky spot. And now he had a girlfriend.

I snatched the envelope off the table and ripped it open.

Leah's letter was short and sweet and folded around a check for $14, 473.14. She explained that Billy's business had been sold to a friend of Sam's and the enclosed check represented my portion of the profit after Jared, Embry, and Paul had received their share.

Now I felt sick.

That was it? That was all it took to erase Billy's life's work and Jake's unfulfilled dream? A sale. Four checks. An envelope and a stamp.

She signed the letter with love and a promise to keep in touch when she got to California, where she was moving...with Paul.

* * *

**I'm cutting it here cuz there's EPOV coming up next. At last!**


	8. Unspoken without sound

**SMeyer owns Twlight**

**Please review :)**

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_I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on_  
_That's when I know that you're alone_  
_It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground_  
_Special unspoken without sound_

**EPOV**

The sky was slate gray and drizzling down on me as I stood at the edge of her driveway.

There was something wrong. I hadn't heard from Bella in two days; not terribly long but as of two days ago we had been speaking on the phone for at least an hour every day since the Saturday of my party when she plugged her number into my phone. I called her that same night. Jasper would have teased me endlessly if he knew, but I didn't care. Her number was in my phone – a way of reaching her at my fingertips. It seemed wrong, foolish even, to let seconds go by with it sitting there unused.

We talked for hours that first night – not about anything overly serious. I asked most of the questions, growing more intrigued after each one of her answers. I learned that her favorite color was purple, her favorite ice cream flavor was cookies and cream, she dressed up as Rainbow Brite three Halloween's in a row and she had a major crush on Matt Damon after seeing him in Good Will Hunting. Her favorite memory as a child was her father reading to her until she fell asleep and how he'd always leave the nite-lite on before he left her room. It's how I learned that her room was on the second floor with a window that faced the front yard. I felt like a stalker standing in her driveway, but the truth was, I was a pussy. I had parked my car in the street and I only did that after driving by twice to make sure Charlie's cruiser wasn't out front. Juvenile behavior from a med school grad, huh? Well it was fitting since nothing made much sense anymore. It stopped making sense the moment I saw her. There was no way to be prepared. To turn the corner and hit the electric fence that separated me from that girl at the end of the hall. It did little to hold back the force – the pull that attached itself to my chest the instant she came into view.

I'd only been in the house a few minutes, I'd barely put my bags down, and Rosalie was already chattering away about a girl called Isabella. Chief Swan's daughter, she said. I humored her like I always do when I suspect she's trying to set me up with a class mate or model. There was warning in her voice about this one though. Isabella. Her husband had died. Killed in a car accident. After the doctor in me grilled her for medical specifics like injury details, for which she gave me her classic, _What the fuck are you asking ME for?_ look, I was struck by how young this poor girl was to already be a widow.

Her back was to us as we approached and already there was no stopping it – the hook and the pull just from the first look at her. I recognized her stance – it was that of someone unfamiliar with their surroundings and the surroundings of our house in particular. She was deciding where to go, her next move. Should it be down this way or that? She was thinking, _How do I get back to where I came from?_ The long corridor stretched out before her. Who knew a hallway could be intimidating? And I smiled at the look on her face that must match her unsure footing.

She was slim with a petite frame, but not puny, not a pixie or fairy or elfin, not even close. She was strong. In the five seconds I had to assess her before I reached her, I could tell that already. She didn't need to fill awkward silences with unnecessary chatter. She could handle the silence. We were alike in that way and it was rare; it was rare that I had much in common with anyone.

There was a presence about her. A look in her eye. She was taken aback when she saw us but she wasn't surprised. She looked at me like she'd been expecting me – which I later found out that she was. Apparently the whole house was on edge anticipating my arrival thanks to my mother, who was, once again, far too proud of me than I deserved. All of her children grew up to be successes. Jasper's culinary skills are unprecedented. There's no one that comes close to him on the West Coast, not even in Portland or LA and he knows it, which is why he is biding his time until he can open a place of his own exactly the way he wants it.

It's the same with Rosalie. - his twin in all ways except gender. She's built her brand from the ground up, from nothing but a few scraps of fabric she found at the Salvation Army. Then, refusing my parents money for anything more than her tuition, she took those scraps and moved to Paris. Two years later she returned home a stunning success and the jewel in Paris Fashion Week. And like her twin brother, she's doing it her way. Deciding to return to her family, she's growing her brand and opening stores in America. Take over America and Europe will follow – that's her strategy.

Then there's me. The baby. A Masen, not a Hale. Not an "accident", but a "miracle", as my mother puts it. The doctors told her no more children. Too dangerous. But after a few close calls and constant bed-rest, her little "angel" was born – a tad underweight but with a set of lungs that rivaled Pavarotti's.

I was my father's son - I looked like him, I loved sports and classical music, books and a well-made drink. I got excellent grades and I got them easily. After high school I followed in my father's footsteps and went to Harvard Medical School. Accepted on my own merit and without leaning on the Cullen name, I graduated at the top of my class.

During school I came home as often I could, but not often enough for my family's taste. For awhile is not once or twice a year at most and with Rosalie and Jasper gone, my parents had a bit of "empty nest" syndrome; so I can see now that we're all together again, their visions for the future are coming true for them.

Then there's the "look".

It's the "look" that I'd been dreading the most about this visit. I see a version of it every time I come home. Every time I get off the plane and my mother glances behind me to see if I've come alone there's the question, amended only by the last word.

_What's happened to...Maria? ...Andrea? ...Jennifer?_ Followed by the "look". _Oh that's a shame. She was such a nice girl._

Coming home to find both of my siblings in somewhat serious relationships dug the dagger in further. My mother had been stewing her hopes for months since the last time I left, thinking, _Surely this will be the time_. Sitting on the plane I knew she was going to be disappointed yet again.

_Why can't Edward find anyone? Why can't Edward hold down a relationship? Maria was so sweet. And Jennifer was gorgeous._

I knew it was coming whether the conversation was meant for me to hear or not. My father would be the one to stick up for me.

_He's young, Esme. He's in medical school. He doesn't have the time to dedicate to a relationship. Girls are high-maintenance these days. Remember how it was for us? Weeks would go by without you hearing from me, I was so entrenched in my studies. Most girls do not have the patience or wherewithal to stand by their man as you did._

And my mother would sigh, and relent, and I would be let off the hook until next time.

The light came on in the room upstairs, the room that I knew was Bella's, and my heart skipped a beat. A shadow passed over the wall, the curtains moved and she came into view. God how I missed her face. It had only been two days and already the missing was raw in my chest, there was no denying it. There was sandpaper in my throat stopping me from calling out her name. She didn't see me but I could see every detail of her. She frowned at the rain and pulled the curtains closed.

"NO!" I yelled out but they didn't reopen. The rain was falling harder now. I picked up a few pieces of gravel and chucked them at her window pane until it brought her back. It was dusk and the cloud cover made it difficult for her to see to any clear distance. She reluctantly opened her bedroom window and stuck her head out.

"Who the fuck's out there?" she called. A stern warning but the shaking in her voice betrayed her confidence.

I was silent; a million words on my tongue but no courage to speak any of them.

"_Edward_?" She leaned further out her window, the rain dampening her already dark hair. It cascading over her shoulders and danced on the windowsill.

"It _is _you. ...What are you doing out there?"

"I tried calling, but it kept going straight to voicemail," I answered lamely. _That_ was the best I could come up with?, I scolded myself.

"I know," she replied loudly so I could hear her over the rain.

"Why?"

"It's off. ...What are you doing here?"

"...I wanted to see you."

Her face softened slightly. "Why?"

Her one-word responses were starting to hurt and I didn't understand why she was reacting this way to me. I thought we were becoming close. I already knew so much about her in the short time we've spent together. I considered her a friend, and this may be premature, but at the moment, she was the closest friend I had.

"Isn't that reason enough?" I asked. She dropped her gaze to the windowsill and didn't answer. The rain was falling on both of our heads and I didn't want her catching a chill because of me.

"Can I come in?" The drops were fat and cold and my teeth were beginning to chatter. Something told me that Bella wouldn't care though. She seemed...distant...different. I hadn't known her long but we'd talked more in the last few days since we met than I did during some of my entire past relationships with girls. I didn't want it to be this way.

"Please talk to me. I don't understand."

She paused, mulling it over, and the rain was soaking my back and puddling the driveway.

"Ok," she said finally. "Front door in two minutes." And she was gone from the window, the curtains shushing in her wake.

I jogged through the mush to the porch in ten seconds and she was already there, standing in the open doorway.

"I'm sorry," I said. It sort of slipped out. I wasn't sure what I was sorry for, I'd be sorry for whatever she wanted. It didn't matter. I just wanted things to go back to normal.

She didn't answer. Instead she turned and walked into the kitchen. I followed her, closing the front door behind me. She was wearing my Harvard sweatpants and a white tank. She had pulled her wet hair to the top of her head in a messy bun and was shushing across the wood floor in fuzzy slippers.

"Take your shoes off," she said swiftly, filling the kettle with water and putting it on the stove. I did as I was told and kicked them off by the door. Luckily my socks were dry.

"Nice sweats," I joked.

"You can have them back," she snapped and I flinched.

"That's not what I meant. I'm glad you're-" I stuttered. I'd be happy if I never saw her in anything but those big gray sweatpants again. She looked adorable in them. "I don't want them back," I sighed and walked towards her hesitantly.

"...Bella, what's going on? Why haven't you returned my calls? What's happened?"

She shrugged, unwilling to turn from the stove. I put my hands on her shoulders and she tensed. I quickly took them away, forgetting that they must be clammy and cold.

"Are you crying?"

"No."

"It looks like you are."

"I was. I'm not anymore."

"Is everything alright?"

"Everything's_ fine_," she snapped without looking at me.

"Ok," I said, backing off quickly. She scooted around me and heading out of the kitchen, leaving me standing in front of the stove alone. She darted up the stairs to the second floor. There was rustling and the opening and closing of doors, more footsteps and then noisier ones as she headed back downstairs.

"Here." She handed me a beach towel. "It's all that's clean. I have to do laundry." Her eyes flickered over my body. Her tongue darted across her bottom lip and for a split-second I saw the burn in her eyes.

"And I brought you a t-shirt. It's the biggest one I have. I sleep in it but it's dry. I don't have any bottoms that'll fit you and I'm really not into the idea of going through Charlie's dresser." She looked away from me, but then back again with the same burn.

"This is great. Thank you." She held the folded stack out to me and I took it. I put the towel around my neck and shook out the shirt.

"The B-52's?" I stared at the faded concert tee and laughed. "Tell me, oh please tell me that you went to a B-52's concert?"

"Shut up," she sucked her cheeks in and put her hands on her hips, trying not to laugh. "No, I didn't, but I totally would. I found it at a garage sale. ...You can change in the bathroom. It's the half-bath right there in the hall. You can leave your shirt on the rack to dry."

I nodded and held her gaze for a beat before walking out of the kitchen. Leaving the bathroom door slightly ajar, I stripped my wet shirt over my head and hung it on the towel rack. I wiped the bright orange beach towel down my neck and arms and over my bare chest and defined abs. I ran it through my wet hair and gave it a final swipe over my face. I hung it on the rack and picked up Bella's warm, dry shirt. I hesitated as I looked at it, soft and thin and worn in my hands. I brought it to my nose. I inhaled deeply and her scent flooded my senses making me lightheaded and woozy with the sensation of her sweet strawberry smell. I braced a hand on the sink and waited for my head to clear. I pulled the fabric over my head and pushed my arms through the other two holes. It was snug but fit me well across the chest and landed just at my waist. Composing myself, I ran my fingers through my now damp hair and studied my reflection in the mirror. Out of the corner of my eye, out of the reflection in the sliver of open door, I could see into the kitchen behind me and into Bella's dark brown eyes. She turned quickly, knowing that she'd been caught staring, and I let her off the hook by pretending not to notice.

The kettle shrieked on the stove and Bella took it off the burner. She poured two cups over the bags she'd already dropped in the mugs and set them on the table.

"Sugar, half and half, if that's your thing," she pointed to the packets and saucer on the table.

We sat and stirred in silence, the pounding of the rain on the roof and windows providing the only distraction. Holding the china mug in both hands, I took a sip of tea and looked over at Bella out of the tops of my eyes. She was so fucking beautiful, just sitting there in sweats and no make-up, her hair pulled back accentuating her flawless skin and round features. The hook pulled at my chest again and I pushed my fingers into my sternum to try and stifle it.

"You ok?" Bella asked, a look of concern crossing her face. "You're not having a heart attack, are you?" she kidded.

I shook my head and chuckled, no. That's when I noticed that her elbow was resting on a pile of mail and a cream-colored envelope with its contents partially sticking out of the top. What it read sent a lump to my throat.

_Certificate of Death_

Bella noticed where my eyes had landed and she shoved her elbow aside.

"They sent it to me," she said. "Thorough, huh? That's as final as it gets, I suppose. I wonder where I should keep it. Maybe I should fucking frame it. Is that what I'm supposed to do?" she spat and then broke into a fit of pain-filled, hysterical laughter. It was torturous to listen to, because it wasn't Bella's laugh. Bella's real laugh was musical and giggly and she put her hand over her mouth when it gave her the hiccups. This laughter was just...well, this was just _awful_. It was anguish disguised as laughter and it was cruel to the person being forced to express it.

I wanted to get up from my chair and go to her. I wanted to put my arms around her and hold her against me. I'd rather her cry and sob into my chest than cover up her pain with fake laughter. I could see right through her. I pushed my chair out and moved to go to her but she held up her hand to stop me.

"You don't know me, Edward." She waved her hand in front of her as if to wave me away. I sat back down and wrapped my hands around my mug.

"I want to know you," I said softly.

"No, you don't," she replied, her laughter subsiding.

"How can you say that? How do you know what I want?" I answered, swiftly, feeling somewhat offended.

"Why would someone like_ you_ want to know someone like _me_?" she said in disgust.

"_What?_" My head was spinning. Where was all this self-loathing coming from? Why was she acting like this? We'd been getting along so well, talking all the time, shit we'd even made plans to go to Seattle together. This wasn't making any sense.

"Where is all this coming from?" I begged. "You have to let me in. I can't read your mind. You can talk to me. You know that, right? You can talk to me about _anything_. You can talk to me about him."

"Why should I?" she snapped and her eyes lip up. It was like a dart to my stomach. Her words and reactions physically hurt me. That had never happened before, and I'd had plenty of girls yell at me, throw things at me, even hit me, especially when I broke up with them - but none of it made me feel as lonely as the way Bella was making me feel at this moment, ever.

"_Why?_" I repeated pitifully. "We're friends. We talk all the time. We've become friends." Ugh, couldn't I think of anything original to say? She had really thrown me off guard here.

She was quiet. Looking into her mug and I sat frozen. I didn't know what the hell was going on or how we'd arrived at this weird intersection in our relationship. I was about to speak when she did first.

"I know."

"...Huh?"

"I. _Know_," she repeated, her hands clasped together on the table.

"_Know?_ Know what?"

"That you have a girlfriend."

_Shit._ I didn't know where to put my eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me? You _lied _to me. How could you _do _that?"

"I didn't lie, Bella. I just didn't say."

"You had the pinky spot," she frowned.

"The what?"

She put her hand up, palm towards me, and splayed out her fingers. "Five fingers, five friends. One Alice, two Irina, three Rosalie, four Leah...and five _you_." She closed her fingers into a fist.

"I _am_ your friend. Please Bella. I still want to be. ...Tanya-" I winced, saying her name out loud for the first time.

"It's ok, I know her name."

"You do? ...Ok I'll ask how later, but...look...yes, Tanya and me, we used to...but we're not, she's not my girlfriend in the sense of the word...Look, Bella, please, my family thinks they know everything about me, but they don't. They only know what I tell them and I make up the rest."

"So you're not with...Tanya?" It really sounded like she cared. My heart stirred and fluttered in my chest.

"No...well, not like that. Not like how they're making it sound. Not like how she wants us to be. She acts like we're together and madly in love...but...to be honest, I've had more fun just hanging out and talking with you these last few days than I've ever had with her."

She blushed and it gave me the courage to say more. I pushed my chair closer and I saw her chest rise in reaction to my proximity. "Bella," I said softly, and she pulled her bottom lip into her mouth.

"I was actually starting to think that...or maybe hoping that _we_..." I stopped, suddenly nervous at where I was taking the conversation. I was dangerously close to spilling my guts and admitting that I jerked off to her in the shower that morning. My guard was non-existent whenever she was around. I was always raw and open to her.

"Oh...no..." she shook her head, finally understanding what I was getting at. That I was interested in more. She pulled her hands off the table and put them in her lap. Then she sat up very straight. "Edward, look, I'm not-" she squeezed her eyes shut as she spoke. "...I can't be in a relationship right now."

I'm an asshole. I sat back.

"Of course. It's too soon. You're right. I'm sorry. Shit, I'm such a -" I didn't finish the line. She could insert any adjective she wanted. I deserved it. I put my head in my hands and tried to disappear. "That was out of line. It's just that... _Shit_. I really screwed this up, didn't I?" There was silence and then the sound of Bella moving closer to me.

"Hey," she said softly. "Hey, Edward, look at me." Her hands were on mine and she was taking them away from my face. I tried not to make too much of a big deal about the fact that she was touching me. I knew it didn't mean anything.

I turned towards the sound of her voice and opened my eyes. Her face was close. She smelled like rain water and soap. _God_ I could lean forward and kiss her full lips right now. I watched them part and she spoke.

"You didn't screw anything up. I'm just a stupid wreck right now and I'm taking it out on you. I'm sorry for being such a bitch these past few days. You're a great guy and-" she stopped herself and leaned back in her chair.

"We can still be friends? Because I meant what I said, Bella. I really like hanging out with you. I hope you're not all weirded out now."

"Oh please," she rolled her eyes and pushed my shoulder. "You're the most normal person I know."

I shoved down the hurt and rejection and stuck out my hand, hoping to God that she couldn't see it shaking. "Friends?" I asked cheerily. Never had I hated the word more. There was an air of sadness and a tinge of regret in the air around her, or I could have been making it up because that's what I wanted to believe, but Bella stuck out her hand and put it in mine and for now that would have to be enough.

"Friends."

"You'll still come to Seattle with me? To the show I mean?"

"You got the tickets?" she gasped, her eyes widening.

"Was there every any doubt?" I joked. "So you'll come?"

She squealed and threw her arms around my neck, hopping up and down in her chair.

I chuckled and hugged her back. "I'll take that as a yes."

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**Bit of a slow moving story but I want to take the time to build their relationship as the secrets unfold. They're not rushing, so why should we? ;p**

**Thanks to KofL for their lyrics. I use lyrics alot to accentuate the chapter and the mood I'm in. hope you like each selection.**


	9. Fade Into You

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**

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A stranger's light comes on slowly  
A stranger's heart without a home  
You put your hands into your head  
And then it's smiles cover your heart

-_ Fade Into You_, Mazzy Star

**BPOV**

The doorbell rang for the second time, piercing the air with its melodious chimes.

"_Bella!_" came Charlie's gruff voice from downstairs. "_Edward's here!_"

My stomach flipped as I stood in front of the mirror in my childhood bedroom.

_Edward's here._

We're going away for the weekend.

I'm going away for the weekend. With _Edward_.

Turning to the side, I checked out my slender profile in the mirror's reflection. Edward told me to dress comfortably for the car ride to Seattle so I chose my favorite pair of stretchy jeans that still fit me perfectly, and a plain v-neck t-shirt from the GAP or somewhere else uninteresting.

I wasn't showing a belly yet that couldn't be shrugged off as PMS bloating and I took a sigh of relief at that. I still hadn't figured out how to tell Edward that I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't wait much longer, it wasn't fair - but I decided that this weekend was not the time to break the news. I didn't know how he'd take it and I was having fun with my new friend. What was the harm in enjoying a carefree weekend before dropping the bomb that could ruin the first real relationship in ages that's made me feel alive? Luckily Alice had managed to keep her mouth shut for a record amount of time and Dr. Cullen was maintaining our doctor/patient confidence with easy grace.

I swept my hair back into a ponytail and fastened a bobby pin above my ear to hold back the dark wisps of my bangs.

"_Bella!_" Charlie yelled louder from the bottom of the stairs. "_Are you coming down or what?_"

"Yes I'm coming!" I yelled back, grabbing the long strap of my purse off the doorknob and slinging it over my shoulder before attempting to locate my overnight bag.

Packing was not something I enjoyed doing or spent very much time thinking about. In fact I usually procrastinated like a champ and left it to the absolute last minute, which inevitably resulted in me leaving behind something vital, like my contact lenses, and packing way too many of something I'd never need, like thongs.

Edward hadn't made this packing effort any easier, keeping me on the phone last night until 2am.

Ok so he didn't _keep me_ ...it wasn't like I_ tried _to get him off the phone. How could I when what we were talking about was so vitally important that it couldn't possibly be interrupted or postponed til a later date?

...

_"What's your favorite live version of your favorite Radiohead song?" he asked in a low, sleepy voice that was getting raspier with each passing second._

_"That's an impossible question," I groaned, pulling the sheet over my head. I had collapsed into bed an hour earlier after changing into pajamas and brushing my teeth with Edward on the other end of the phone._

_"Maybe," he said. "But you know the answer."_

_"Ummm, ok," I pondered, scrunching into the fetal position and giving this very serious question some very serious thought. I could hear Edward breathing._

_"Oh! Ok I got it! 'Let Down' from the '97 Hammerstein show in New York."_

_"Oooooh good one," he conceded and I knew he was already thinking of his next question._

_"Yours?" I asked._

_"Hmmm, I'd have to say 'Idioteque' from the 2001 show in Oxford. Radiohead on their home turf. ...God I wish I could have been at that show," he sighed dreamily...or sleepily, one of the two.  
_

_"Damn you," I pouted, rolling over on my side and loving the friction that the movement mixed with the sound of Edward's breathing caused between my legs. "I should have thought of that one."_

_We'd been talking like this for hours. Favorite album. Favorite lyrics. Favorite cover art. Favorite song for a rainy day. Favorite song for a sunny one. Edward wanted to know everything I knew and thought about the band we were going to see in less than twenty-four hours. His excitement was palpable even though he was clearly exhausted. Neither of us could bring ourselves to end the conversation, to stop the sound, to shut off the electricity that hummed even then, over the phone line.  
_

_He sang me his favorite B-side and made me guess which song it was. He put the phone on speaker and sat it atop the piano in his living room. He played it for me and his voice stung each word. His fingers brushing the keys made each note hurt and when he was done I was whimpering into my pillow for him to stop._

_"Could you guess what it is?" he asked excitedly when he got back on the phone. "Bella? Are you there? Did you fall asleep?"_

_"I'm still here," I mumbled into the pillow to hide the crackling in my voice. Of course I knew what it was. _

_"It's 'How I Made My Millions'."_

_"Huh? I can hardly hear you." There was rustling on his end like he was getting back into his bed, the sounds of fabric moving against sheets and I imagined the picture in my mind of what he looked like at that exact moment, what he was wearing – more like what he wasn't wearing, the sight of his bare chest and muscled back from the day of the rainstorm forever burned into my memory._

_"Bella? Did you know that it's his wife moving around in the background while he's playing?" Edward asked. "Amazing, right? There he is in the other room playing that fucking gorgeous song and she's in the kitchen putting groceries away like it's no big deal. She probably hears shit like that all the time. It's just Thom fucking around on the piano to her," he sighed and I heard his head knock against what must be his headboard. "It blows my mind, all that talent."_

_"You sounded just like him," I whispered._

...

I hurried down the stairs thumping my overnight bag a step behind me. At the tenth step, about half-way down, I stopped in my tracks.

Edward stood at the bottom of the stairs with his back to me, his hands in his jacket pockets. He was staring out the open front door that lead to the porch and the driveway. At the sound of my arrival he turned to face me and I held the railing for balance. A gorgeous smile spread across his face, not wide enough to show his teeth but sweet enough to dimple his cheeks. I felt his eyes on me where the V of my shirt met the modest swell of my breasts and my neck broke out in a heatflash. It was a clear day and the sun shone behind him sending rays of light through his disheveled copper hair. My eyes had a mind of their own as well and were all over his body in an instant, soaking in every inch of his impossibly lithe frame, long torso, longer legs in fitted jeans, the collar of his jacket upturned just so and the realization that, my god...Edward Cullen is a fucking beautiful man.

He put his hand out and for a moment I thought it was to reach for me. I lifted mine from the banister before recalling our conversation from the other night, the night I rejected his advance. It was then that I knew he was merely reaching for me to give him my bag.

I held it out and he took it by the strap.

"I thought you were going to stand me up," he said with a crooked grin and my stomach leapt at the familiar sound of his voice. His long lashes fluttered over my chest and my face heated. He noticed and grinned and a pinkness flushed to his cheeks knowing that I'd caught him checking me out. I concentrated carefully on making it down the last few steps without pulling a face-plant.

"Standing you up means standing_ Thom up_, and I would never let that happen," I teased when I reached his air space.

_There's that pull again. We're inches apart and it's tugging painfully at my chest._

"Of course, how silly of me," he smirked, running his hand through his hair. "So. Are we ready to go? We have a long drive ahead of us." His jade eyes sparkled and I said a quick goodbye to Charlie, who seemed devastated by my departure – meaning that it was the last out of the Mariner's game and he tossed me a backhanded wave from behind the couch.

Edward's car was the same as I remembered from that first night we met. Lush black interior, space shuttle dashboard and a new car smell even though Edward insisted it was last years model.

Once we were on the road with Forks disappearing behind us, I settled into the comfy leather seat and listened to the purr of the engine under the skill of Edward's precision handling. You could barely hear the gears shift as he maneuvered with ease and managed to play with his iPod at the same time. The trees whizzed past us as we sped down the curvy road and yet somehow it felt like we were barely moving. Something to do with what Jake used to call "traction" or "alignment".

We weren't talking, but there was no awkwardness between us and I could tell that Edward was completely at ease by the slack in his shoulders.

And then I opened my big, fat, stupid mouth.

"So," I began, nervously wringing my hands in my lap. "How did you and Tanya meet?"

He didn't answer and I couldn't bring myself to look at his face. The car continued to fly down the highway and I began to wonder if I should repeat the question.

"Why do you want to know that?" he asked finally, turning the volume down on the stereo.

"Why not? ...We're friends, aren't we? Friends talk about who they're dating." I tried to say it with confidence, repeating Alice's words from days ago, but the truth was I was panicking at how he'd answer. I turned to look at his face and was stunned by his immaculate side profile, the sharp curve of his jawline, the slight pout of his full lips. His brow was creased, his shoulders no longer slack, now tense.

"Um," he fidgeted in his seat, downshifting, and stopping at a red light. "She's in the medical program at Harvard. We met at a house party last semester." He shrugged. "That's about it." The light turned green. He stomped on the clutch, shifted, punched the gas and left the cars behind us in the dust. He didn't say anything more.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," I said regretfully, wishing I hadn't spoiled the mood.

He sighed and I could feel his gaze as he took his eyes off the road and looked at me.

"I'm not uncomfortable, Bella. I just... I don't want to talk about other women when I'm with you."

"Ok," I murmured breathlessly, the sincere expression on his face knocking the wind right out of me.

The rest of the drive passed uneventfully. We took a bathroom break and stopped for a late lunch at a diner and when we eventually drove into the city center towards our hotel, I was flooded with disappointment that this part of our journey was over. It didn't last long though. The excitement of the city swelled around us and before I knew it Edward had valeted the car and our bags were being carried away and we were walking side by side through the glass doors into the lobby of the...W Hotel?

"We're staying _here_?" I asked under my breath as we crossed the shining marble floor and approached the welcome desk.

"Is it alright? Do you not like it?" he answered, his voice full of concern. Was he serious? I'd never even been inside a hotel this luxurious and elegant and, my god, my eyes didn't know where to look first; the spectacular art hanging on the walls, the modern shapes and sizes of the furniture in the living room below, the fireplace, the leather stools lining the front of the fully-stocked bar. It was a magical oasis.

"_Not like it?_ Of course I like it. It's stunning. But-"

"Good then," he grinned, cutting me off and handing his credit card to the concierge.

"Ah, Mr. Cullen," said the dapper man behind the desk with a tiny bow of acknowledgment. "Good evening." He turned to me and nodded. "And Mrs. Cu-"

"Uh, Miss Swan," I interrupted with a polite smile. I felt Edward's gaze on me but I didn't turn to see it. He must have noticed that I didn't use my married name. How would it look for Mr. Cullen to be staying at the W Hotel in the same room with a Mrs. Black? I didn't give it another thought.

The concierge typed away at his computer, printing out the documents for Edward to sign and assigning us our key cards.

"The same room, huh?" I teased, nudging Edward in the ribs with my elbow. "You think you're gonna get lucky or something?"

"It's all they had, I swear," he insisted, his eyes widening with panic. "Do you want me to see if they have another room available? It's last minute and it was hard to find a hotel that had vacancies but I can try-"

"Edward stoppit," I giggled. "I'm only kidding."

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. Especially after what I said the other day."

"I'm _kidding_, Edward. It's fine. I wouldn't want to be in a separate room anyway. There's no need and it would be boring."

He let out a sigh of relief and handed me my key card. "We have separate beds though-"

"Alright, sir, you are all set," the concierge interrupted. "Your suite is located on the 25 and 26th floors of this building. I'm sure you will find it to your liking."

Twenty-fifth _and_ twenty-sixth floors? My head was spinning trying to sort out what that meant, but I didn't want to ask Edward yet another daft question so I kept my mouth shut. I didn't open it in the elevator or as we walked down the hall to our room. Edward opened the door, and _then_ I figured it out.

"Damn. No wonder it's called the Wow Suite," Edward said, walking inside the spacious designer living room lined with floor to ceiling windows. The Seattle skyline laid out in front of us on all sides. The view was breathtaking - and even moreso with Edward standing in the center of it all.

The suite was set up loft-style with the bedroom on a high-rise platform attached to a 150 square foot bathroom where you could overlook Seattle from the Jacuzzi tub. Everything was dark woods and earth tones, recalling the natural outdoorsiness of the Pacific Northwest.

"Edward, this is-" I didn't have the words to complete my thought as I strolled slowly around the room. That's when I noticed - the Wow Suite comes with one king bed.

He walked up the steps and stood beside me looking down at the bed draped in a deep maroon comforter.

"Oh." I heard him suck in his breath and that's when I cut him off before he could say anything more.

"Please don't start apologizing. Don't call downstairs and complain. Just leave it."

"Ok."

We stood still.

"Well," he sighed a resigned sigh and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "It's a really big bed. And I'll stay on my side. I promise."

...

I stood on the balcony and watched the sunset throw its pinks and yellows and oranges across the picturesque skyline.

"Edward this is too much," I murmured into the twilight.

"What's too much?" he asked and the ripple of electricity that charged through the air told me he was standing right behind me. A light wind blew his scent into my nostrils and my skin prickled from his nearness when I turned.

"This hotel. This room. You didn't have to go through all this trouble." My voice was barely audible but I knew he heard me from the twinkle in his eye.

"No trouble," he smiled modestly. "Phone call. Credit card. Easy."

"You know what I mean. We could have stayed at a Best Western or Comfort Inn...someplace less..." I motioned at everything all around me; the lush potted plants and large wooden deck furniture and into the suite with its over the top opulence.

"...decadent."

"They were all booked," he winked, tugging playfully at my ponytail. He walked us back inside with his hand gently resting on the small of my back.

"Besides," he continued, closing the glass doors behind us. "This is where you belong."

_Belong? Here with him?_ "How do you mean?" I choked. The hook in my chest pulled painfully up and out in a slicing motion. It must have been evident in my face because he quickly backpedaled.

"Y'know, it, um, it has all the amenities that a girl needs; a big tub, fluffy towels and lots of room to do you hair and I dunno, your makeup or whatever, and I won't be in the way."

"Right, cuz I'm sure I spend a lot of time getting my hair to look this fabulous," I snorted, flipping my messy ponytail over my shoulder. "And I didn't even bring any makeup with me so this is as good as it's gonna get," I pointed to my face.

"I'm just saying, I wanted you to be comfortable. I wanted this to be a memorable experience for you."

"And for you?" I asked simply.

He paused and again I was stunned by the sight of him standing in front of me.

"It's already memorable for me, Bella. It was from the moment you agreed to come here."

Goosebumps flooded my arms. I crossed them at my chest and took a steadying breath, once again at a loss for words. Edward crossed the room and stood up straight, with the couch separating us.

"Are you cold?"

I shook my head.

"You look pale. Do you need to lie down?" He put his hand out as a gesture of kindness but I wasn't close enough for his touch to reach me.

He took a step forward. "Bella," he whispered. "Are you alright?" The energy in the air was changing. He was changing. In my eyes he was becoming even more to me than he had been just a second ago. He took another step forward, this time without a word, and I stood still. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"Bella," he mouthed within a breath. It was a question and a statement at the same time. He took another step, his fingers trembling as the distance between he and I grew shorter.

"I..." He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and when he let it out it was glistening wet where he'd licked it. He was three steps away from entering my personal space and my heart was racing with the want of it.

"Edward," I murmured on butterfly wings. It was a question and a statement at the same time. He stopped in his tracks but his eyes never left mine. I tongued the back of my bottom teeth and held my breath.

_Don't stop._

He took another step. My arms still crossed at my chest. He had one step left and our toes would touch. There was fight behind his eyes; a war of indecision.

"Do you feel that?" he whispered. He pushed his fingers into the center of his chest.

I swallowed thickly and nodded, pulling my arms tighter around myself. "Yes," I breathed out. He still hadn't taken the final step.

"It keeps getting stronger the closer I get to you. I felt it that first day we met, but now," he pushed harder into his breastbone.

"It hurts," I finished for him.

"Yes," he agreed. "What should I do?" He looked down at his feet.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

He looked up at me sharply, a flash of fear crossed his eyes. "I want to take the step."

I said nothing.

"But I promised I'd be your friend," he continued. "I meant it when I said it, and I mean it now. I'll learn to control these feelings I have for you, Bella. I'll never use them against you or to manipulate you. I promise you that. You believe me, don't you?"

I smiled weakly and nodded, praying for dear life that the tears would stay behind my eyes and not fall for him to see. He sighed and took a step back. He put his mask back on and the moment was gone.

...

Edward appeared out of the bathroom in dark jeans and a black button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He looked delectable, his thick hair spiked and framing his face in angles.

"Fuck," I said to myself yet loud enough for him to hear me.

"What?" he asked, instantly insecure and running his hands down the front of his shirt. "No good?"

"No you look_ nice_," I admitted with a cringe, wishing he didn't. It'd be so much easier if he was gross or even a fraction less handsome.

"Thanks." he flashed a smile and then frowned. "You're not dressed."

"Yeah, I don't know what to wear. And you..." I fluttered my hand in his direction. My pathetic wardrobe was strewn across the king-sized bed. "I don't have anything that will make me look good next to you-"

"Bella," he interrupted, taking my hand in his and putting it at my side. "You're beautiful. And you'll continue to look beautiful in anything you put on." He smiled again and I melted. "Ok? ...Now please, get dressed or we're going to be late."

The cab took us to Key Arena and let us out at a back entrance marked, _Suite Entry_, far from the crowds that circled the front entrance. Edward lead me through a corridor to an elevator and pushed the button marked 'reserved'. I gaped at him but he looked straight ahead as the elevator rose through the floors. Once it reached its destination it dinged and Edward waited inside while I exited.

"This way," he said casually, his hand lightly at my back as he guided me down a white hallway lined with large double doors. I attempted to catch the name plates that were attached above each one but I was too busy trying to keep up with Edward. He knew I wanted to see the opening band and I could hear the screams of the audience as they arrived onstage.

"Don't worry, you won't miss them," he smiled. He stopped at a plain set of doors without a name and pushed on the handles. The lights went on by sensor as soon as we entered and I was standing in a theater-style room lined with white leather couches on one side and a full bar on the other. In the center of the room were two tables draped in flowing red tablecloths and piled high with fruits, chocolates, pastries, finger sandwiches, chips dip – you name it, it was there.

"Edward?" I asked in awe. "Who is all of this for?" There was enough for a small army.

He smiled and walked to the end of the room and to a control panel on the wall. He pressed a button and the curtain opened to reveal a wall of glass with the whole of the Key Arena audience on the other side. He pressed another button and the glass wall slid open to reveal a box of seats two steps below. The screams were louder now as the band broke into their first song.

He held out his hand for me to cross the room and join him at his side.

"It's like our own private concert," he grinned like a schoolboy.

He made sure I was settled safely in the high-backed reclining chair before sitting in the one next to me. There were two rails, one at foot level for me to rest my feet, and one at chest so I could cross my arms on it and lean forward.

"May I bring you a drink, ma'am? Sir?" said a sharply-dressed older man who seemed to materialize out of nowhere. Edward didn't appear surprised to see him.

"Yes, I'll have a Hendrick's and tonic. ...Bella?"

"Oh, um, I'll just have a water for right now."

"I don't think I've ever seen you drink anything_ but_ water. I feel like an alcoholic around you," he chuckled, leaning back.

"I don't want anything to cloud the experience for me tonight," I smiled meekly. _Big fat fucking liar. I hate you._

My lie seemed to appease him.

"I told you," he said a few minutes later, turning in his seat.

"Told me what?"

"That you'd look beautiful in anything you put on. ...And_ that_ dress is _not_ _anything._ ...You could have warned me," he winked, taking a sip of his drink.

"Wow you're like a pro-charmer, you know that?" I smirked, rolling my eyes to hide the fact that I was blushing my face off. I didn't think there was anything special about the halter-top light pink sundress I was wearing. It was demurely cut showing little cleavage and was nearly an inch below my knees.

"I don't want to be that guy," he replied sadly. "I'm not trying to charm you, Bella. I just want you to have a good time with me."

"I _am_ having a good time with you, Edward. ...A better than good time."

The concert was everything I dreamed it would be and Edward was a first-class gentleman he entire time. We stood and sang at the top of our lungs and screamed and clapped along with the thousands of other fans. When they played our favorite songs we gasped at each other with wide-open mouths and jumped up and down for joy. We were served food by the suite-staff and I didn't have to get up from my seat to do anything except to pee in our private bathroom that was two steps away. We leaned into each others ears when we wanted to talk and I pretended that the feel of Edward's lips against my earlobe was the same as if he was kissing my mouth. After the second encore the concert was over and I was spent.

The next thing I knew we were pulling up to the lobby of our hotel and my head was resting on Edward's shoulder in the back of the cab. His arm was around me, his fingers lightly brushing my elbow, his heartbeat thrumming in my ear. My cheek was warm from the heat of his body and the rise of my blush. I felt him move under me.

"_Bella_," he whispered against my temple. "Come on, darling. Wake up," he hummed. He shook me gently and I rolled my head off his chest and peered up into his glorious face. "You fell asleep," he smiled down at me.

"MmmRadiohead rocked me into a coma," I yawned, taking the bellhop's hand as he helped me out of the car. Edward tipped him and lead me through the lobby to the elevator bank. Heads turned at the bar when we passed and I saw the corner of Edward's mouth curl in a grin as if he could hear what they were thinking.

"Sorry I'm such a lightweight," I grumbled, leaning against the elevator wall as it headed to our floor. "Hope you didn't have your heart set on exploring the Seattle night-life."

"Nah that's ok. It's late. I'm tired, too." Edward rubbed his eyes and suppressed a yawn. "Wanna order room service?"

...

"This stuff is expensive, Edward. I can't let you-"

"Bella, please stop worrying about how much everything costs." He plucked the menu from my hands and placed it next to me on the bed before sitting down, sagging the mattress and dipping me slightly towards him. He cocked his head to the side and smiled. "You've been to my house, yes? You've been in my car and you've seen the others that my family owns. My sister lived in Paris for two years. We have homes in Montauk and vacation in Ibiza. I've graduated Harvard. ...I'm doing just fine, and I _wanted_ to do all of this. I wanted to come to Seattle with you and stay at this hotel and see the concert the way we saw it, and now I want to eat this food with you. I don't care about the money. I don't expect anything from you for it."

"I know that, Edward. I know you don't. I just...ugh I don't know," I groaned and wiped my hands down my face. "I'd never be able to do anything like this on my own. First of all I don't have a car but if I _somehow_ managed to find my way to Seattle, my seat would have been in the fucking nosebleed section of Key Arena and my room would be at the Roadway Inn."

Edward broke out in exquisite laughter. "I'd love to join you for that experience as well. ...Just relax, Bella. ...And eat." He picked up the phone on the bedside table and placed our order.

I was changing in the massive bathroom when the doorbell rang. Moments later I emerged in my Snoopy pajamas bottoms and the Radiohead concert tee Edward bought me when I wasn't looking. The food had arrived. Edward had it spread out on the table; a plate for him and a plate for me with matching glasses of wine and our chairs pulled out just so. It smelled amazing.

"Hope you're ok with burgers and fries. I tried to pick the most un-luxurious thing on the menu," Edward teased, waving me towards my chair. I sat down and he pushed me in. "Nice pajamas, by the way," he added in my ear. I gave him the finger and he laughed heartily on his way to the stereo on the wall.

"They have satellite radio. How about the classical station?"

"Sounds good," I replied, pretending to take a sip from my wine glass.

We ate and drank, well, _Edward_ drank and enough not to notice that the volume in my glass didn't go down. We laughed and I picked at his fries and he played air piano and told me stories about the lessons he took when he was a kid and the hours and hours of practice he had to put in before he was allowed to watch TV. I cleared our plates and tossed my wine down the drain in the kitchen and poured us two glasses of water.

"You're beautiful, Bella," he hiccuped from his slumped position on the couch. "Even in those ridiculous Snoopy pajamas."

"Thanks, Edward. You're not so bad yourself," I humored him. "Even when you're slurring drunk." I stood at the end of the couch with my hands on my hips and shook my head in amusement at the sight of Edward laid out like a ball of wrinkled mess and rosy cheeks. "I'm going upstairs to bed. I suggest you do the same. Come on." I held my hand out for him to grab.

"Thank you, Bella," he said, looking carefully at my hand but not taking it.

"I haven't done anything yet, Edward. I'll help you get into bed without falling over but you're on your own in the bathroom," I snorted.

"But you have. You have done...so much...for me...and you don't even know it, which is part of it, and why you're so amazing. Just by being you."

"How much did you drink?" I laughed, pulling him up to a standing position.

"Not enough to say the things I really want to say," he hiccuped, weaving his way towards the stairs to the bedroom loft. "But hopefully enough so tomorrow I won't remember the way I'm acting right now."

"You're acting just fine," I said, following close behind. It was the truth. I'd had the time of my life from the moment we left Forks, from the moment I walked down the stairs and saw Edward waiting for me at the bottom - every moment had been more thrilling than the one before, even the quiet ones when we were chewing our food or waiting for the elevator, there was this inexplicable force that filled the seconds.

He closed himself in the bathroom and I climbed into the enormous four-poster bed. Edward wasn't kidding - it was a _really_ fucking big bed, with a memory foam mattress that melted around me and I melted into it. I propped myself up on a dozen down pillows and listened to Edward brush his teeth. Moments later, just as I was closing my eyes, the door opened and Edward emerged. He'd removed his shirt and jeans and was in nothing but gray boxer briefs and socks. I pretended not to notice but my heart was absolutely fucking pounding in my chest. He didn't seem shy about the fact that he was walking across the room practically naked but he wasn't making a show out of it either. This was the way he slept. He was going to bed. _We_ were going to bed. And so what if Edward didn't wear a shirt to bed and so what if he had a stupidly sculpted body, firm abs, toned arms, a smattering of freckles across his shoulder blades. So what if his ass looked unbelievable and under that thin material was what looked from the outside to be a very decently sized package.

"Feeling ok?" I asked as I watched him pull back the covers on his side of the bed, which seemed light years away from mine.

"Yeah," he muttered, messing with the generous pillows. "It felt like I had fur on my teeth, but that sonic toothbrush thing in there is incredible." He settled under the covers and draped his arm over his eyes.

"Do you want me to shut the light?"

"Sure," he said. And again there was a twinge of disappointment that the night was officially coming to an end. I leaned over and hit the switch. The room went dark except for the glow of the skyline below us.

"...Bella?" came Edward's voice from the other side of the bed.

"Hmm?"

"...Are you ok with this? With the distance?" his voice was frail and vulnerable and I'd already been so dishonest with him. He deserved some truth.

"No. ...I'm not."

"Yeah. Me either," he sighed. "...G'Night, Bella."

...

The dream began simply – a sprawling field of wild flowers on a bright sunny day. The calming sounds of birds chirping mingled with the sounds of children laughing. The laughter grew closer and the birds flew overhead in response. And then the appearance of one – a small boy with dark hair and olive skin tanned by the sun. He was running through the grasses, every now and then looking over his shoulder for someone coming up behind him. His wide smile showed the first of his pearly white teeth and his cheeks were flushed as he ran as fast as he could on short legs. The giggles grew louder and then she appeared out of the tall stalks, a fair haired girl-child in a frilly blue dress. Her long blonde curls bobbed on her shoulders as she ran after the boy, slower than he for she was younger by two years. She giggled wildly as she caught sight of someone ahead of them both, someone that was waiting for both of them at the edge of the field. She squealed as the boy was caught up in the large arms of the person at the edge of the field. Her squeals quickly turned to a child-like pout as she waited for her turn to be gathered in those strong arms of the faceless man. The two children, side by side in the safe arms of this generous hold, they looked nothing alike, dark versus light in all aspects – eye color, hair, complexion – yet there was something eerily the same about them both and then the boy reached out for the girl with his pudgy arms and gave her a sweet kiss on her cheek and she sighed and rolled over...

"What time is it?" I mumbled sleepily into the taut muscles of his chest. I was warm and there were arms around me, holding me in position. I felt my tangled hair being swept from my shoulder.

"Whatever time you want it to be," came the deep voice from above. I opened my eyes slowly – one then the next. They were confronted with a chiseled bare chest and flat abdomen rising and falling with each breath.

"Hmm. How'd _this_ happen?" I asked with a stifled laugh of embarrassment. My nightshirt had ridden up to my ribs and my PJ bottoms were tangled around my knees.

We were in the exact center of the bed, as though we'd migrated to the middle during the night, like magnets.

"I was wondering the same thing," Edward mused. "All I know is I woke up this morning...and looked down...and there you were."

I frowned.

"Oh trust me," he added quickly. "I'm not complaining. It's the nicest way I've woken up in a long _long_ time."

"How long have you been awake?"

"About twenty minutes."

"Why didn't you push me off?"

"Why would I do that?"

"This can't be comfortable..." I wiggled inside his arms. Notice how I'd done nothing to remove myself from his embrace while talking crap about how uncomfortable he must be. Pfft.

"Bella, there is nothing uncomfortable about any of this for me. Believe me."

"Oh I believe you," I giggled, pointing to the tent in his shorts. He lifted his head up, his abs straining and I bit my lip at their definition. The second he saw the Big Top in his pants he released me and pulled the sheet over his legs.

"Um, yeah, that's just a natural reaction to, uh, the morning. It has nothing to do with waking up to a beautiful women nestled beside you. ...I'll get up now." He rolled off the edge of the bed; there were reddish sleep marks carved into his back.

"Looks to me like you're already up," I snorted, biting my lip harder to control my laughter.

"Har har. Shut up, Bella," he groaned in embarrassment, cupping his hands over his erection as he hobbled to the bathroom and closed the door. "I'll take care of this in a second."

"A second? That's all it takes, huh?" I called out after him.

"That's not what I meant!" he hollered from the other side of the door. "It takes way longer than that usually. I mean, I last much – argh, forget it, Bella!"

I fell back into the pillow pile in a fit of giggles. Edward turned on the bath water and ran the shower. I laid in bed in the spot where he'd just been and while I listened to him humming a tune I couldn't place, I slid my hand between my legs and thought about how I'd just slept with Edward Cullen. I pressed my fingers inside my moist opening and moved them in the way I imagined he would. His fingers were long and thin and I pictured them wrapped around his cock and what that looked like. My breathing sped up as I slid my fingers in and out and rubbed my thumb over my clit with the same skill and precision I imagined Edward's fingers had. I forced the guilt aside and bathed in the enjoyment of the tingling goosebumps that flooded my skin and arched my back.

I closed my eyes and listened for signs of how close he was. His singing stopped and my fingers sped up. I thought I heard a thump and a moan through the shower spray and I let out a soft response as I neared a climax of my own. It tore through my body in shuddering ripples of pleasure just as the water shut off and the shower door opened. I caught my breath and rolled onto my side to hide my little secret, the smile of satisfaction that we came together in a moment of pure ecstasy; and when Edward emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and beads of water still rolling down his back, I thought I caught a corner of his mouth curl up as he passed the mirror and our eyes connected in the reflection. A knowing acknowledgment of what we'd done and how it was ok...for now.

* * *

**I think I'll do an EPOV next, so Edward has a chance to explain himself ;p Please review.**


	10. You're only wet because of the rain

Had a northern lad  
Well not exactly had  
He moved like the sunset  
God who painted that  
First he love my accent  
How his knees could bend  
I thought we'd be ok  
Me and my molasses  
But I feel something is wrong  
But I feel this cake just isn't done  
Don't say that you Don't  
And if you could see me now  
Said if you could see me now  
Girls you've got to know  
When it's time to turn the page  
When you're only wet  
Because of the rain

- _Northern Lad_, Tori Amos

**EPOV**

The sound of her voice got me there; that throaty laugh and wanton smile sent liquid shivers down my spine. It only took four or five strokes to make my head drop to the wet shower wall and I shot my load into my hand.

Waking up with Bella in my arms and a raging erection in my boxers should have humiliated me, but it didn't. I was embarrassed, yes, naturally, I didn't want to offend her, but I couldn't deny the effect she had on my body. She seemed to enjoy the fact that I was aroused and got a kick out of teasing me. Normally I would never be so bold as to tell a woman that I was about to jerk off ten feet from her head, but what was happening between me and Bella was like nothing I'd ever been through with a woman before. We'd slept in the same bed, in each others arms all night and didn't have sex. That was a first for me – not because I considered myself some stud, but because the women I went to bed with wanted to fuck me, that was why they were there.

I planned on coming out of the bathroom with a funny joke about the amazing hand-job I had just given myself – anything to hear Bella's laugh again, but when I opened the door the smell of her sex overwhelmed me. Bella was laying on her side facing me with her hands under the pillows. The electricity of her stare zigzagged through my body as I walked to the dresser. In the mirror I took the opportunity to look at her face and in the reflection our eyes met. She was blushing, her chest rising and falling with panting breaths. Had she been...? While I was...? The thought that Bella had been pleasuring herself in the bed we slept in while I was in the next room doing the same was thrilling to me and I gave her a small smirk to signal that yeah, I knew, and yeah, it was good for me too.

She was quiet on the ride back to Forks; occupying herself by gazing dreamily out of the passenger-side window and humming along to the musical selections from my iPod. It gave me chills to hear her in tune; she knew the music, she knew each song, and when she didn't she'd ask and then say, "Ooh I like this, who is it?" _Fuck, I loved that_. Sharing my music was like opening my soul. It was intimate because it played such a vital role in my life, helping me through the pressures of exams and fights with my parents, fights with girlfriends, the isolation of living so far from home; and joyous things too, being with my family at Christmas, the chaos of the Thanksgiving dinner table, playing piano in front of the fire on New Year's Eve. It's rare to find someone who shares the same appreciation and love for all things musical, and I was learning that Bella did. She even tolerated my love for bad 80's techno.

The sign, _Welcome to Forks_, created a pit in my stomach and I heard Bella whimper quietly to herself.

"I had a great time," I said as we crossed into town. "I wish we could have stayed longer."

Bella continued to stare out the window, picking absentmindedly at her cuticles.

"Are you hungry? We can stop at the diner to get something to eat?" I offered.

She chewed on her bottom lip but didn't move to answer me.

"Bella? Are you alright?" I stopped at the intersection in the center of town. Going straight meant dropping Bella off home, going any other way meant prolonging the inevitable, denying the truth.

"Bella?" I repeated, my voice low and heavy with concern. Finally she turned to me, her eyes welling up with tears.

"Edward, I'm-" The words stuck in her voice and she swallowed. Her chin quivered and her face contorted as she tried to hold back the dam that was pushing out from the inside. I turned around as much as I could, constricted by my seatbelt, to get a better look at her. Her mouth was agape. She looked in pain.

"Bella what is it?"

"I...I..." The light had changed and the cars behind me were honking but I wasn't going to move until she answered me. I put my hand on the seat next to her leg and waited until she spoke. And it broke my heart when she did.

"...I don't want it to end."

...

I parked in the driveway and carried Bella's bag to the porch. We stood face to face in front of her front door; that awkward moment of saying goodbye upon us.

"Sorry about that," she said softly, wiping at the dried tears on her cheek. "Don't know what came over me."

"No need to apologize," I smiled. "It's good for my ego to know that leaving me can bring a beautiful woman to tears." I grinned a cheeky grin and rocked on my heels.

"Haha. Laugh it up, buddy," she said sarcastically. "I'll get that ego in check next time."

"Next time, huh?" I lit up. "As in...they'll be a next time?"

Bella's face blushed bright pink and she fiddled with the strings of her hoodie. "Um...I'd like there to be. And it can be simple. You don't have to take me anywhere."

"I can do simple."

"..._I bet you can_..." she mumbled under her breath, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "Thanks again, Edward. For everything. I don't know what else to say."

A breeze whipped through the trees and blew the hood from her head. She didn't seem to notice and it fell to her shoulders.

"I do," I replied. "Say next time."

A lock of her hair caught against her her tongue and she brushed it away with a smile.

"Next time."

"That's all I needed to hear."

...

If I wasn't afraid my sister would see me and call me a fairy, I would have skipped up the steps and into the house. My mother was at the kitchen table pouring over a file and sipping a cup of tea.

"Big case?" I asked quietly so as not to startle her. She looked up and a wide smile crossed her face. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and went to the fridge for some water.

"How was your trip, Edward? Did you have a good time with Bella?" she asked, taking off her eyeglasses. She looked exhausted.

"Mmmhmm," I mumbled as I drank. "It was great."

"I knew it would be. ...Your father's in his office. Doctor Lewis called from the Cardiology Department at Beth Israel this morning. I think he left a message for you."

The door to my father's office was ajar, so instead of knocking first I just walked in. He was at his desk, on the phone with his back to me. Usually I would immediately turn and leave. My father's phone conversations were private, since they were often with patients and with colleagues from the hospital regarding patients. Something about this call, however, made me stop in my tracks.

"...Yes, hello, this is Doctor Carlisle Cullen for Doctor Travers. I am referring my newest patient, Isabella Black, into his care while I travel on business. ...Yes I will be in Seattle at the Children's Hospital for the next two weeks or more and Isabella is due for her 10-week sonogram. I have advised her to make an appointment with Doctor Travers. Please see that he is available to meet with her next week. ...yes. Thank you."

It couldn't be. It had to be another Isabella Black. If it was possibly to spontaneously die inside, it was currently happening to me.

I cleared my throat to make my presence known and my father swiveled around with a start.

"Edward. How long have you been standing there?" he groaned.

"Long enough," I said, motionless.

The museum clock ticked on the wall behind him. He sat back in his chair and covered his eyes.

"I take it you didn't know."

I shook my head slowly to accentuate my answer.

"Well then," he sighed, closing the folder on his desk. "Continue to act under that same assumption."

"_What?" _I exploded, the tension clenching my fists. "And just _forget _what I just heard? Forget that Bella's _pregnant_?"

"It's confidential information, Edward," he replied calmly. "You know that."

The codes of medicine were absolute, I knew them well, and they told me I was out of line. I had no right to put my father in this position.

He stood and walked towards me, his lab coat starched and pressed and swishing with his movement. He was my height if only a half inch shorter and I respected his presence.

"You must steal yourself from these emotions you are feeling for her, Edward. You and Bella have been spending quite a lot of time together recently, yes?"

The question was rhetorical, but it still made me wince.

"Which is fine, she could use a friend that doesn't drag her off shopping every day. But a _friend_, Edward. Do you hear me? I fear you are allowing yourself to become too attached to the comfortable nature of the situation. Don't blur the lines. Remember the facts. We're doctors. We live on facts. They are the pillars of deductive reasoning. They are the only things that are absolute. So let's review, shall we? "

"I know the reality, dad, and-"

"_Bella's husband!_" he interrupted me with a shout that echoed ominously around the room and I remembered who he was and the attention he demanded. I shut my mouth.

"Who to my knowledge she had no prior intention of divorcing, was killed in an automobile accident not two months ago. Shortly - and by _shortly_ I mean _days_ after she was confronted with the _reality_ of being pregnant with their child. This, as you know, brings with it a brandspanking_new_ set of heightened emotional and physical effects to contend with. I, along with your Harvard education, expect _you_, Edward Anthony, to understand this."

"I do understand, dad. What I don't understand is why she's kept it from me-"

"This isn't about you, son."

"Fine," I relented. I hated arguing with my father. "How is she handling it? Is she..._excited_? About the...baby?"

He exhaled loudly, reluctant to get into it, but he conceded and began. "She's displaying a typical range of symptoms given her increased hormone levels. It's fairly common for some women to be..._less_ than excited about their pregnancy at first and to even be in denial. ...She has a sonogram scheduled for next week. It will be very difficult for her to question her condition after that."

"And how is she...y'know, feeling? Medically-speaking?"

"Oh of course _medically-speaking_," my father replied, pursing his lips and waggling his eyebrows at me. He could always see right through me.

"Her progress is standard textbook. She's experiencing the classical emotional responses; mood swings, feelings of unattractiveness, feelings of inadequacy, concerns about what the future holds."

_That explains the crying in the car._

"While it's very admirable for you to be so invested in Bella's well-being, you have a medical career to navigate and a very anxious Doctor Lewis awaiting your call. ...Here's his message and phone number. You can use my office. I'll give you your privacy."

He closed the door behind him, leaving me with my future written on a piece of paper and my heart ringing in my ears.

**BPOV**

_You've reached Edward Cullen. I can't take your call at the moment. Leave a message and I'll call you back._

"Dammit." I hung up before the beep and tossed my cell phone on the bed. I fished a travel pack of tissues out of my bag and wiped my nose and dabbed under my eyes. This crying shit was getting ridiculous. I took the bag of prescriptions and stuffed it in my dresser drawer. All stocked up on pre-natal vitamins Omega-3, Folgard, and baby Aspirin. Time for another tissue.

I sat on the bed and picked up my phone, scrolling through the numbers until I got to Renee's. It went straight to voicemail. Shocker.

_It's Renee – and Phil! - leave us a messaaaage!_

Every day they have a different voicemail message. They're like two teenagers.

"Mom, it's me. It's Bella. Can you call me back? Please. I really need to talk to you, ok? It's kind of an emergency...well, an emergency that I should have told you about a month ago. Just call me back as soon as you get this. Ok? Ok bye."

The bedroom door creaked open and Charlie stuck his head in. "Everything alright in here? You sounded a little upset."

My chin quivered and I shook my head. "No, dad. Everything's pretty fucking far from alright." I kicked my shoes off and folded my legs under my butt. Charlie pushed the door open the rest of the way and walked in slowly. He looked supremely uncomfortable in my room and I thought he'd dart out like the RoadRunner any second, but he actually sat down on my bed next to me.

"I know, I know. I forget sometimes," he sighed, resting his elbows on his knees. "You've been handling this all so well, I think your mother and I have always taken for granted how well you handle things. But this is bigger than anything else. ...I'll call her. Tell her she needs to come back up from Jacksonville for awhile and spend some time with you. We thought coming here would ease your mind, help you cope with losing Jake but-"

"Dad," I stopped him or he'd ramble on forever. "Thanks, for that, really, but that's not it. Well, it's related, _literally,_ but it's not that. There's something else."

"What is it?"

Here goes.

"I'm pregnant."

His eyes went wide as saucers. "Pregnant? Like with a_ baby_?"

I shrugged and nodded. "Yeah that was my reaction, too."

"H-how long?"

"Nine weeks and five days. Maybe six."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "So it's Jake's then."

"Dad!" I screeched. "_Who else's would it be?_"

"Well, you _have_ been spending an awful lot of time with Edward Cullen. He's very hunky."

"_Hunky_, dad?" I snorted. He _was_ pretty hunky, though.

"I take it you haven't told your mother."

"Not yet. No one knows. Except Alice...and Doctor Cullen."

"Is that where you were today? You ran out so fast this morning."

"I had my first sonogram today." My throat immediately constricted as I recalled the visit, the gown, the table, the wand. "...I saw it, dad. Th-the b-baby. They gave me a picture of it. Wanna see?" I pulled the black and white glossy photo from the front pocket of my bag and handed it to him.

"Oh Bella." He put his arm around me. He smelled like the outside. "I'd be lying if I said I knew what I was looking at. Maybe I should get my reading glasses."

I laughed a snot-filled laugh and pulled out another tissue. "It's ok. I didn't either. But I think _that's_ the head and that's the arm right there."

"Wow. It's so tiny. Like a little peanut."

"And that white spot right there...that's the heartbeat. I heard it, dad. I heard the heartbeat. It was so loud." The crying jag started up again and I put the wet wad of tissue under my dripping nose. "It was beating so fast. At first I thought something was wrong and I started to freak out, but they said it's normal. It's supposed to sound like that. It's like a little hummingbird in your belly."

He pulled me closer and I sobbed into his shoulder.

"You shouldn't be going through this alone. I would have gone with you, Bells. Or Alice if you didn't want me."

"She's in Port Angeles, at the new store with Rosalie. She doesn't know I went alone. She'll kill me when she finds out."

"Let people _help you_," he said into my hair. "It's ok to ask for help." He held me close and kissed the top of my head. "My little tinkerbell," he hummed. "We can turn the spare room into a nursery if you want. It's been a man-cave for long enough."

"I won't be a burden, I promise. I just...I don't think I can do this on my own anymore. I thought I could, but I was wrong. ...I'm so scared, daddy." He held me for awhile longer until I calmed down and then got me a glass of water and a damp rag from the bathroom.

"You should tell Edward," he said to me with those raised bushy eyebrows of his.

"...I know," I agreed reluctantly.

"What's that face? You're worried what he's going to think? That he's going to lose interest in you?"

"We're just _friends_, dad," I scowled.

"I noticed. So...Isn't it about time you tell your _friend?_"

oOo

The next few days were a blur. Alice came back from Port Angeles with a laundry list of errands that needed to be run and supplies that needed to be picked up in preparation for Jessica's going away party. I tried calling Edward a few more times with no luck. I didn't have time to dwell on it or ponder what he could possibly be doing for very long before Mistress Brandon was barking more orders at me. She did, however, find a moment to give me a giant hug and a "Thank GOD you finally told Charlie" congratulation. She was seriously pissed for about five minutes that I hadn't called her back from Port Angeles to go to my sonogram appointment with me but I swore never to do anything like that ever again and she was off like the Tasmanian Devil. My energy level was pretty sluggish and I felt like every errand I was assigned took double the amount of time to accomplish than it would have taken Alice. She didn't seem to notice though and I was happy to help.

...

"Soooo, what do you think?" Alice asked, twirling in place with arms outstretched. "Do you like the place?"

I walked around with my mouth dangling open.

"Alice, this is incredible. .._.You_ did all this?" I asked in awe. It was a masterpiece fit for the pages of House Beautiful. Alice had completely transformed the boring conference room of the Forks Community Center into a ballroom fit for any lavish wedding reception. Out went the metal chairs and iron tables. In came the high back wooden chairs and round wicker tables. Instead of the sickening florescence she'd brought in standing lamps and string after string of twinkling lights.

"Rosalie helped. A little. But yeah it was mostly me. She's doing a lot of the cooking though - French stuff like Parisian pastries and crap. Jessica's gonna die. Shit! I have to go over there now and help Rose load up the car."

"You're going to the Cullen's?" I gulped. She'd see Edward for sure. I could go with her. I could ask him what his problem was. I could find out why he hadn't called me back.

"Hey do you think you could stay here and set the tables for me? I know it's a bitch but I'd really appreciate it. I've been so crazy and Jessica will be here at four-thirty." She gave me a pleading smile and hopped in place.

"Sure." I tried not to sound disappointed. "It's no problem."

"Great! The tablecloths are in the packages and the utensils are in that box. Oh my gosh thank you so much Bella! See you soon!"

...

The guests arrived and we applauded when Jessica walked through the door. Excited, bubbly Jessica. Seeing her smiling face running towards me brought tears to my hormonal eyes. Hugging and squealing we talked at the same time, stepping on each others words and doubling over with laughter. Shortly after, Angela and Ben arrived and it was as if the old gang had gotten back together again. It had been years since I'd seen them but it felt like days. They had a few words for me on the subject of Jake but their feelings had already been expressed in the cards they sent. I wanted more to hear about _their lives, their_ adventures.

The party wore on and each passing minute had me looking at the door. I didn't expect Edward to be invited. Although he and Jessica had gone to the same school, they were barely acquaintances. Yet my imagination was getting the best of me. I pictured him striding through the door - all six feet of him in long legs and long torso, fitted jeans and button down shirt. His eyes would search the crowd. He'd smile at people from school who'd notice him but he'd be looking for me, and when his eyes landed on me they'd brighten, like they always do when he sees me, and he'd come my way. I'd have this stupid drink in my hand, this non-alcoholic punch and I'd put it down so he could hug me. His hugs were magic and I'd melt in his arms. He'd whisper something silly in my ear, some inside joke from the last time we talked that he remembered and I'd laugh. Something happened to his face when I laughed, like he'd found something he'd been looking for - his wallet in the couch cushions or something. And then my thoughts shifted and grew ugly. I hadn't spoken to him in days. Not a word since we got back from Seattle. I'd called him. Left him messages. Nothing back, not since he left my doorstep, and I was too chicken-shit to go to his house or ask around. Asking around meant admitting that I cared, that it killed me not to know. And I couldn't do that.

Mike Newton had been invited - I don't know whose decision that was but I'd be having some strong words with Alice later on that subject. He cornered me outside the ladies room but they were toasting to Jessica's departure and that interrupted his inspection of my breasts. He and Jessica dated throughout senior year and, according to Alice he's been trying to get back in her pants ever since. How he has time to eat dinner is beyond me. His perving seems like a full time job.

I located Alice by the gift table and pulled her to the side.

"I have to go."

"Go?" she whined. "Why? ...Oh my god, you aren't sick are you? I thought you were over that stage."

"No I just need to, um...go see Edward for a second...stop by his house and see if..."

"He's not there."

"...Wh-"

"He went back to Boston. ...He didn't tell you? I thought for sure you knew. He left last night."

oOo

_Edward, it's Bella. I heard you went to Boston. I thought you'd call. I hope everything's ok. Call me when you can. Please. ...I miss you._

I snapped my phone shut and shoved it in my pocket. My head hurt. Each passing day Edward didn't come home made it hurt a little more. The throb pulsed behind my eyes and down the back of my neck. I woke up with it. I went to sleep with it. All I wanted was to stay in bed.

But I couldn't.

I had to go to work.

The door of the break room creaked open and I turned around in the plastic chair I was sitting in.

"Woo hoo. Earth to Bella," Mike sang with a cheesy grin.

"Oh. Hey Mike." I sounded less than enthused and turned back around. There was still five minutes left in my break and I wanted to continue to spend them alone.

"Got your head in the clouds, huh?" He ignored my obvious body language and sat his smelly cup of coffee next to me and pulled out a chair.

I recoiled. "Yeah, uh, I'm just tired, that's all."

"You left the party pretty early last night. I came back with your drink and you were gone."

"Sorry. I said goodbye to Jessica. ...I didn't..." I shrugged and trailed the sentence off. "...So, what's up?" I had a bad feeling he was about to ask me to stay late. There was an hour left in my shift and I had already made plans with the couch, a TV dinner, and a Netflix movie.

"We have to do inventory in the back tonight and I could use your help," he squirmed.

He was nervous to ask me and I felt a twinge of guilt for always being such a cold fish to him, but bile rose in my throat at the thought of having to spend an indefinite amount of time in enclosed quarters with Mike Newton. Not that he was unattractive or dangerous, it's just, the way he looked at me was so revolting. It was the exact opposite of the way Edward looked at me. Edward looked at me with awe-struck devotion, with child-like innocence and then he'd burst out laughing at something I said and his face would light up and his eyes would glitter in amazement. And he was more than just attractive – he was _unspeakably attractive_. It was fucking unfair, to _everyone_, how gorgeous Edward was.

Thinking about Edward was making me sad.

"We can order dinner in and you'll get paid overtime. You said you could use extra shifts so I figured-"

"Yeah Mike," I sighed. "It's fine." I pushed back from the table and stood. "I'll do it."

...

Another week went by in a haze of that consisted of going to work, coming home alone, cooking dinner for Charlie, cleaning the house, and basically doing everything and anything I could to keep my mind off Edward.

But I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Was he thinking about me?

Did he listen to my messages?

Did he want to call me back?

Why hadn't he called?

Something had happened, I was sure of that much, but there was no one for me to ask and no way to ask without drawing attention to the fact that A) I cared about Edward, and B) I cared about Edward aLOT.

The house phone rang. I figured it to be Alice. She was away, again, with Rosalie. This time in Seattle at some design conference.

I answered on the third ring. "Hello?"

"Isabella? It's Carlisle Cullen. How are you?"

"How am I? Um, I'm fine, sir, I mean, yeah, I'm good."

"I'm happy to hear that. How did your visit go with Doctor Travers?"

"It went, um, it went well. He said everything was fine."

"That's surely a top-line way of putting it," he chuckled and I wanted to throw up. He sounded too much like Edward.

"I just got back into town, a little earlier than expected, and I stopped by my office to look over your chart. I see you turned down the choice to find out the sex of the baby."

"Yes, um, I don't want to know. ...I want it to be a surprise."

"Understood. Well, all your tests came back clear. You're progressing nicely on your way to becoming the parent of a healthy child, Isabella. Congratulations again, if you don't mind me saying so."

And suddenly it occurred to me. There could only be one reason why Edward was avoiding me, and there was only one person who could tell me if I was right.

"You said you were at your office. ...Are you there now by any chance?"

"Yes, yes I am." He sounded a bit taken aback by the sudden change in the conversation.

"Great. Would you mind if I came by to speak with you in person?" I pressed.

"By all means, feel free. I'll be here for the next hour or so."

"I'll be there in five minutes."

It was after hours and the lobby of the medical building was empty and dim. Running through the parking lot had left me out of breath by the time I reached Dr. Cullen's office and knocked on the heavy wooden door.

"Isabella, come in," he said kindly, looking as dapper and professional as ever. Not a platinum-blond hair out of place.

"What's brought on this urgent need to see me? Is everything alright? You looked flushed. Here, sit down."

I plopped down in the soft leather chair and placed my bag on my lap. My heart was pounding in my throat. My stomach was churning. This was it. No small talk. No courtesies. I was getting right to the point. Right now.

"What's wrong with Edward?" I blurted out before Dr. Cullen had gotten around to the other side of his desk. He stopped in his tracks.

"Wrong? What do you mean wrong?"

"He knows, doesn't he? He knows I'm pregnant. You told him, and that's why he left."

"That's not why he left, but you are correct. Edward overheard me leaving a message for Doctor Travers regarding your sonogram."

_Fuck._

This wasn't how I wanted him to find out. This was the exact fucking _opposite_ way I wanted him to find out. I had planned on telling him the very next time we hung out.

"_Say next time."_

"_Next time."_

"_That's all I needed to hear."_

It looked like that was never going to happen.

I took a deep breath as the tears began to roll down my cheeks. "And wh-what did he say?"

He opened his desk drawer and produced a small box of tissues. He held them out to me and I took them in my trembling hand.

"I'll spare you the back-and-forth between he and I regarding the importance of maintaining the doctor-patient relationship. ...He seemed shaken."

"Is...that why he's been avoiding me? Is that why he didn't tell me he was going to Boston?"

"I'm not sure I can answer those questions for you. I tend to to avoid the minefield known as my children's relationships. I leave that to my wife. She excels at drama," Dr. Cullen laughed.

"I fucked up, sir. I should have told him sooner. I should have told everyone sooner."

He crossed his arms on his desk and leaned into me with those crystal eyes boring into my soul. "You've locked yourself inside a prison of your own making. It's quite common, though. Don't worry. There's nothing wrong with you," he smiled. "The most important thing is the health and well-being of your unborn child, Isabella. And that is almost entirely dependent on the health and well-being of _you_. Edward knows that."

"I was going to tell him," I wept, hugging my bag to my chest for comfort. Dr. Cullen rose and came around to my side of his desk.

"I believe you. You don't have to convince me, dear."

"In the beginning, when we first met, I thought I was just hormonal. All these feelings coursing through me - the attraction I had to him was immediate. I figured it would go away. But it's still here, even now...the way I feel for him, it keeps getting stronger, even when he's not around. I miss him, Doctor Cullen," I continued to cry. "He won't return my calls."

"He'll be back, and then you can tell him yourself."

My heart lurched in my chest. "He's coming back?"

"Certainly. He has a meeting with me and my surgical team next week."

I had no idea what that meant but I didn't let on.

"Please don't tell him we talked tonight, Doctor Cullen. I want to explain all of this to him on my own."

"You have my word, and my apology that it has come to this. I don't think you should worry to much, though. I've seen the look Edward gets in his eyes when he looks at you, or talks about you. It's a look that won't go away easily."

"I've hurt him."

"That's part of life."

...

Alice stood in the doorway, blocking my way so I couldn't leave my room.

"You look hot. If I let you go to the bathroom do you promise not to wash your face?"

She had spent the better part of an hour giving me a facial and mani/pedi, dressing me in clothes from the new collection Rosalie was working on and curling my hair strand by strand with a fat curling iron.

"Don't worry - I'm going to need a jackhammer to get this makeup off, Alice. I just really need to pee."

"Fine. Just make sure you lift your skirt so it doesn't fall in the toilet. Rosalie designed it with you in mind."

I had to admit, I did look hot. Rosalie's designs were incredible. The fabric was soft and comfortable, off the shoulder shirts and stretch skirts that fit my body perfectly, accentuating my few modest attributes - namely my ass and my tits. And, even thought I teased her, Alice always did a kick-ass job on the hair and make-up front. Just enough blush, the right amount of eye-liner, my hair long and flowing over my shoulders in graceful waves.

"We gotta get you out of this house," she'd said. "And I haven't spent quality time with my Bell-bunny in ages. It's Friday night! We're going out!"

Alice and Rosalie had been working like maniacs for weeks on one project or another - be it the opening of Rose's new boutique in Seattle, her latest fashion line, or custom requests from magazines and modeling agencies to clothe their models for runway shows and photoshoots. I was beyond ecstatic for both of them at the business coming their way.

"Jasper might join us after he closes up the restaurant. They have a private party tonight but he should be done by midnight."

"Where are we going to dinner?" I asked, adjusting my top. Alice swatted my hands away and pulled the neckline down to show more cleavage.

"Dinner? Dinner's boring, honey. We're going out on the town! Port Angeles! I'm driving, don't worry."

Yeah, Alice is driving, which means we'll be there in fifteen minutes instead of an hour and fifteen. No point in arguing with her though. I loved her and I could really use this girls night out, especially after all the mental self-torture I'd been putting myself through over whateverthefuck was going on, or _not_ going on, with me and Edward.

The restaurant bar was on the waterfront on a landing that jutted out into the harbor. It was a crisp, clear starry night. The moonbeams danced over the dark water as it lapped easily against the side of the building. It was crowded, the parking lot was full, but Alice managed to squeeze her tiny car into a spot. Her Porsche fit right in with the rest of the high-end, expensive automobiles in the lot. I could have sworn I saw one that looked like Edward's Volvo but I looked away quickly. _No self-torture tonight_, I told myself. _No pining allowed._

The terrace was packed with people and I held Alice's hand as we made our way to the bar. The music was loud but it was good. I swayed to the beat while we waited for our drinks.

"This place is pretty, Alice. Thanks for making me come."

"It's even prettier now that you're here," she winked. I rolled my eyes and laughed. We leaned against the bar and people watched for awhile. It was nice to be out, just us girls. Alice sipped her Cosmo and we giggled at some guy on the dance floor moving like he was having a seizure. She dared me to give him my number. I snorted and told her I'd give him a number alright - the number of my obstetrician.

She laughed at that and then nailed me in the arm with her bony wrist. "My Jazzy's here!" she screeched, jumping up and down and flailing her arm over her head.. _"Baby! I'm over here!" _she called out over the crowd. I followed her motion until my eyes landed on the back of Jasper's curly blond hair. _Darker than Carlisle's_, I noticed. He turned our way and his face lit up in a smile as soon as he recognized us. He waved back and blew Alice a kiss.

"Goddamn my man is so fine," she growled licking her lips. "Mm mm, I could drop to me knees right here in front of everyone and whip out that fine cock of his...god I love blowing that man."

"Ugh spare me the mental picture," I grimaced and sipped on my Shirley Temple.

"Oh look, he's with Edward!" she called out, pulling me through the crowd towards them.

I lurched to a stop, banging us both into the people in front of us who threw dirty looks over their shoulders. My eyes darted back to where Jasper was standing by the railing at the edge of the terrace, and Alice was right...there he was. Edward stood next to him with a beer in his hand. He wasn't facing us, but I knew it was him. I'd know Edward anywhere. All six foot sex of him with broad shoulders and muscled back under a plain black tee. He looked like he'd gotten a hair cut and I was sad at the thought that he'd changed himself while he was gone. The hook in my chest was back in full force, ripping through my chest with no mercy. I wanted to run to him, to take his face in my hands and smother it with kisses. I wanted to hug him and tell him I was sorry.

"_What are you doing?_" Alice yelped, trying to get her arm out of my tight grasp. " What's wrong with your face?"

"What? Ew! What's wrong with yours?" I hissed back, still looking at Edward who was talking to Jazz with the tiniest smile in the corner of his mouth. I wanted to melt and die right there.

"I mean you got this weird look all of a sudden. Hey..wait...are you and Edward in a fight or something? You haven't said a word about him since he left for Boston."

She was a perceptive little minx, I had to give her that much.

"I think he's pissed at me."

"You? Why?"

"He found out about, yknow..." I flicked my eyes towards my belly. "From Carlisle."

"Um..._what?_" Alice's jaw dropped. "You never _told him_? Bella how _could you_?"

"Ugh don't do that...It never came up."

"Oh puh-lease. Come ON. You two have been practically inseparable since you met. I thought for sure you were fucking -"

"Alice!"

"What? Pregnant women _fuck_, Bella. It's not, like, _illegal_, yknow. In fact, your sex drive is supposed to increase when you're preggers. Hormones surging and all that. Plus Edward is so fucking hot I can't _believe_ you've managed to keep your hands off him. My face gets red just being in the same room with him. He's like a god or something. Un-real hot."

"Ok, Alice, I get it. He's hot. I know it, I have eyes."

She had a point though. It hadn't been easy.

"Edward is really, and I mean REALLY fucking hot. But he's also really fucking nice and really fucking sweet and really fucking smart and I don't want to scare him off with all my baggage."

"You weren't going to be able to hide it from him forever, y'know. You _will _eventually start to show. I can't believe you aren't already, you skinny bitch," she teased.

"I like him, Alice. A lot. I like his company, I like hanging out with him. He's fun and funny and I thought," I sighed deeply and ran my hands through my hair in frustration. "I dunno, I just thought...if I tell him I'm pregnant, it's just another _thing_ to have to deal with. And I liked not having to deal with it. I like lazing around with him and doing nothing and I also like going for walks and going for ice cream and talking about movies and books and – _not_ talking about what I'm going to do once the baby comes or being asked by yet another person how I'm feeling every two seconds. No offense," I put my hand on her arm and Alice smirked at me.

"It's bad enough he knows about the other stuff," I said, meaning the _Jake stuff_. "And that didn't scare him off."

"Because he likes you."

"I didn't want to drop another bomb on him and - - wait a second, what did you say?"

"I _said_, because he _likes _you."

"Yeah as a friend, so?"

"As _more_ than a friend."

"Oh whatever, he has a girlfriend," I rolled my eyes and blew off the comment. Yet inside my heart was racing and my hopes were soaring. I couldn't let that happen, though. I was a pregnant widow, and Edward was a beautiful genius with a girlfriend.

"Really? Where is she?" Alice looked around her. "I've never seen her. Have you?" She continued to exaggerate her movements, like Tanya was out there somewhere lurking in the bushes. "Does he talk about her to you?"

"No."

"Do you ask about her?"

"Well a little but not really."

"Why not?"

"I, uh-" I fidgeted under Alice's heated stare. It was making me sweat, for real. Fucking Christ, she should be a criminal interrogator.

"You don't _want_ to know, that's why," she continued. "And he doesn't _want_ to talk about her either. Am I right? Because," and she pointed her polished finger in my face. "..._he likes you_."

I sighed and looked across the length of the room at Edward standing at the railing with Jasper.

"What's he going to think of me now? I'm in a bar...again. And this time I'm showing. How trashy is that?"

"How's it trashy? You can't smoke in here, and you're not drinking. It's not like there's endless places for people to get together in Forks or even Port Angeles for that matter. There's the diner, the coffee shop, and the bar. You shouldn't be drinking coffee either, so what the fuck's the big deal?"

"ARRGH," I groaned in frustration. "I never_ told him_. He found out from _his dad_. He left for Boston and didn't tell me because he was pissed. I ruined it. Everything. I can't change it and now he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. He's too nice."

"No. I'm pretty sure he hates me."

"Oh yeah? You think so?" she taunted and in her feral eye I could see the dare. "Ok then, let's go ask him."


	11. Where soul meets body

I want to live where soul meets body  
And let the sun wrap its arms around me  
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing  
And feel, feel what its like to be new

- _Soul Meets Body_, Death Cab for Cutie

**BPOV**

_"No. I'm pretty sure he hates me."_

_"Oh yeah? You think so?" she taunted and in her feral eye I could see the dare. "Ok then, let's go ask him."_

Before I had a chance to argue, Alice grabbed my wrist in her inescapable death grip and was dragging me across the perimeter of the landing towards the rail where Edward and Jasper were standing.

"Alice, no, don't, Alice, lemme go," I growled over and over but she completely ignored me. She could be a stubborn pixie when she set her mind to something, and she was strong as hell.

"Hey sexy sugar plum," Jasper slurred in his trademark drawl. With a syrupy smile he scooped Alice up in his arms, lifting her off the floor in a giant bear hug. I wasn't even the one he was hugging and I could feel his love for her radiating off him. He held her and whispered into her hair and rocked her for a full minute before putting her down. I let out a sigh I didn't realize I was holding and that's when my eyes fell upon Edward. He'd been standing behind them sipping his beer and staring off into the dark night air.

"Not gonna say hi Edward?" Alice smiled with hooded eyes.

"_Hi Edward_," he sneered jokingly, finally turning from his side profile to face us head on. My stomach flipped and the hook tore through me. Jesus Christ he was still so fucking handsome, shorter hair and all, it only served to make his stunning features stand out more prominently. His lips were plump; his cheeks deep pink from drinking and from the whip of the chilly breeze.

"Very funny," she smirked, swinging on Jasper's arm. "I like your haircut. It's cute. A little short, but cute." Edward's hand went self-consciously to the back of his neck where his hair was shaved the shortest. His insecurity was one of the sweetest things about him - particularly because there was no need for it, he was drop dead gorgeous - and my palm tingled with the desire to reach out and feel its softness for myself.

I stepped to the side and cleared my throat. Enough introductions. It was go time.

Out of all the ways to start a conversation with someone you've hurt, the only thing I could come up with under pressure was, "Hi Edward."

"Hi," he said back quickly, taking the mixed drink the cocktail waitress handed him and putting his empty beer bottle on her tray along with a tip.

"H-how are you?"

He shrugged and knocked back the drink in one swig. My heart popped like a balloon and began draining air. It was the most awkward situation imaginable for a girl - to be standing in front of a cute (to put it mildly) boy, trying desperately to get a conversation started. Alice and Jasper had disappeared somewhere. There was no way for me to make a graceful exit. My cheeks heated with embarrassment. I wish I'd never come here. I was about to run.

Then it happened. Edward put his glass down and I thought I saw a shudder ripple through his body. He steadied, gained his composure, and he looked at me, _really_ looked at me for the first time all night with those glorious jade eyes of his. Looked _inside_ me was more like it. And there it was - the light. It flickered through his eyes, first one then the other, until the flicker was a beam, and that's when I knew he was still in there somewhere. My friend, my Edward. Maybe I hadn't lost him after all.

He scratched at the back of his neck again and it made me smile. He was nervous...at least that's what I wanted to think.

"How are _you_?" he asked, licking the remnants of alcohol from his lips.

"I'm uh...oh y'know," I shrugged weakly, secretly wishing he could read my mind...

_I'm miserable. I'm sad when I should be happy. Or should I be sad? Fuck it - All I know is that I'm better when I'm with you. _

"Yeah. Me too." His face contorted, his brow creased and it looked like he wanted to say more. I know_ I _did. I had a lot of fucking explaining to do and time was ticking by.

"You, uh, you want to go somewhere? With me?" I yelled over the music that had suddenly grown louder.

He raised his furrowed brow and then glanced behind us at Alice and Jasper doing a line of shots down the bar. He sighed and ran his fingers messily through the top of his hair that was still longish before turning back to me. His eyes flickered and darkened and Godammit my heart was pounding. An eternity was passing between us in an instant. I was growing exponentially older while waiting on his answer which, for me, was currently the most important answer I'd ever waited on. If he told me no, then I was certain I'd lost him. I barely knew him and already he would be gone from my life. Fuck, I didn't want that to happen! The thought squeezed my heart til I thought it would burst. These last two weeks had been beyond shitty. These last few moments here with Edward, in this haze bubble of awkwardness, were better than all of last week put together.

The air between our bodies pulsed with an electric hum. It buzzed in my ears and pulled in my chest. The need to reach out and touch him was consuming me. I was about to make a move for his hand when he finally spoke.

"Where?" he asked simply, pursing his lips and fighting against all that told him to run.

"Anywhere. Somewhere where we can talk?" I realized I had no right to ask him for anything after how I behaved, but I hoped he would give me this one chance. "If you wouldn't mind."

He nodded and motioned for me to lead the way. As I walked past him I caught the flick of his eyes as they roamed down my body and inner-Bella's ego did a tiny somersault.

We walked outside on the deck where there weren't as many people – just the occasional seagull and drunken couple strolling by hand in hand.

"Is this okay?" I asked, stopping at the top of the stairs. Edward's hands were in his pockets. He looked cold. The breeze had picked up off the water. Luckily I remembered to bring a sweater. "We can go back inside if you want," I offered reluctantly, chewing on my bottom lip. _Please say no._

"It's too loud in there." He sat on the top step and scooted over to make room for me. The steps were narrow, shielding us from the wind and insulating us in our own private pocket of air. We were sitting so close I could smell him, the thick fresh minty scent of him mixed with the tinge of his sweat. Pure Edward. It was delicious.

Neither of us spoke. We sat on the step and listened to the _thumpa thump thump_ of the dance music coming from inside. I fidgeted and my knee bumped against his leg. The skirt I was wearing barely covered my thighs. My legs looked damn good. I hoped he noticed.

Edward shifted a fraction of an inch closer to me in an attempt to further block the breeze with his body.

"I thought you wanted to talk," he said finally, looking out at the water in the distance.

And with that I blurted out the first thing that came to mind in a desperate muddled sentence. "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"

"_What?_ Why didn't you tell me you were _pregnant?_" he snapped back immediately. I should have known he'd go right for the kill. "I thought we were friends, _Bella_."

The way he said my name on a whisper broke my heart.

"We are."

"You're sure about that?"

"Of course I am, Edward. You're really important to me."

"Oh _I am, am I_?" he was getting mad again. His nostrils were flaring. it was obvious I hit a sore spot. "Then why didn't you _tell me_? After all the talks we've had, all the times we've hung out. This whole time you were..." He looked like he'd been stung by his own words, but he continued. "I thought you had a great time in Seattle, I know I did and-"

"I _did_ have a great time!" I talked over him. "Edward...look at me...Seattle was...god it was the best trip of my life! I mean it. I've never done anything like that before and I'll never forget it. It was so perfect...everything about it was perfection...you were..." I stopped myself before I said too much. "I didn't want anything to spoil it."

"_Spoil it?_"

"I didn't want to freak you out -" I corrected.

"_Freak me out?_" Confusion covered his face. He was really trying to understand where I was coming from. I found it exhausting, so I spelled it out.

"Yeah, Edward. _Freak you out_. As in..._Hey I'm having a great time with you as usual, oh and by the way guess what, I'm pregnant_," I snarled sarcastically and rolled my eyes. "What guy wants to deal with that shit? It would send you running for the hills and...I couldn't handle it if that happened," I added sadly, picking at my nails.

The exchange happened so quickly and was over before I could register the emotions flying between us. It got quiet again and I couldn't bring myself to look to my left where Edward sat. Instead I stared up at the full moon hanging heavy in the night sky.

"You underestimate me, Bella," came his elegant voice, low and thick and dripping with meaning. A sob built in my throat and I tried to swallow it away.

"You're right. I _did_ underestimate you. I know I did." _Aaaand here come the tears_. "Edward...please. I'm so so sorry, Edward," I choked out. I hadn't practiced what I would say to him if this moment ever came. There were things I knew I needed to say. I needed to apologize, but that seemed too easy. I would apologize to anyone for making a mistake, but Edward was not anyone anymore. _That's_ what I had learned while he was gone. He was more than that to me. He'd become...important.

Going for broke I swiveled towards him until my knees were pressed against his thighs and I put my hands on his forearm, gripping onto him. Pleading desperately with my eyes, I spoke directly into the perfect face peering back at me.

"I'm not doing _any_ of this right. If I was, it would _never_ have happened this way. If I knew it would end up like this...that you'd find out the way you did...that _I_ wouldn't be the one to tell you..." I winced at the memory of the way Edward found out. "If I could have a do-over, I'd do it _all __fucking over_. Shit, I only just told Charlie last week and my mother a few days ago. She's going to come up here, I just know it. She's going to tell everyone in Phoenix...what's left of Jake's family and everyone else I couldn't bring myself to call." I shook my head, ashamed. "It's so embarrassing. ...No one teaches you how to deal with this shit, y'know? No one says, here's what to do when your husband dies and you find out you're pregnant." I laughed and wiped my fingers under my eyes. They came back black from the mascara and I laughed harder. "...God I'm a mess."

Closing my eyes, I let my chin drop to my chest in defeat. I was at his mercy now. He could get up and leave and I'd be powerless to stop him. I was exposed. He knew it all and he could take me or leave me and there'd be nothing I could say or do to stop him, or blame him.

"You're not," Edward murmured, taking my damp hand in his warm one. "You're not a mess at all," he said. With his index finger he lifted my chin up. His breath fanned across my face – a delicious mixture of beer and cigarettes – and I opened my teary eyes. "You're wonderful," he said a little louder this time. "I'm sorry for not calling. I'm sorry for disappearing and getting all stupid."

"You wouldn't answer your phone," I croaked as his finger traced up my cheek. "Didn't you get my messages?"

"I did. I got every one, and I'd listen to them over and over throughout the day, just to hear your voice. ...I probably shouldn't have told you that."

"You did?" I sighed like a lovestruck school-girl at the thought of Edward walking around Boston with his phone to his ear, listening to me talk. "Why didn't you call me back?"

He braced his elbows on his knees and his leg bounced with nervous energy. "I just needed some time to think. My mind was going in a million different directions. If I called you back - I don't know what I would have said. I didn't know how I felt about what I heard."

"Oh. ...And how do you feel about it?"

"Now? I'm excited for you."

"_Excited?_"

He smiled sincerely and traced the pad of his thumb under my bottom lashes. "At first I was hurt, then mad, disappointed, sad that you hadn't told me - but then the more I thought about it I realized...it wasn't about _me_." He put his arm around me and I melted into his embrace. "Bella, you're going to have a _baby_. It's got nothing to do with me and my foolish pride. It's about _you_."

I was crying again. Could I do anything else but fucking cry? He was being too sweet, too understanding. He should be yelling at me, telling me I'm worthless and that he's done with me. That would be easier to deal with than this amazingness.

"I can't do it alone Edward. I'm really fucking scared. Talking about it makes me even more scared. It makes it more real and...shit." I tried to pull away so I wouldn't get Edward's shirt wet with my tears but when I tried he wouldn't let me go.

"I don't know if I can do this, Edward."

"Oh course you can do this." He held me tighter and rocked me against his solid body. "Of course you can Bella baby. And you're not alone."

"No?" I whimpered.

"No," he answered instantly.

"So...I haven't lost you?"

"Lost me?" he smoothed my hair back with the palm of his hand and breathed through his nostrils against my temple. "What do you mean?"

"You'll give me another chance to be your friend? I'll make it up to you. Please, Edward. I can't lose you."

"You're not going to lose me," he said, and I slid my arms around his waist. "I was just being an egotistical guy. Just promise me, no more secrets, ok?"

"I promise."

"Good. ...Everything's going to be alright, Bella. I'm here." He hummed a familiar melody and we stayed that way, with me practically sitting in his lap, for I don't know how long.

"There you two are. ...Jesus, disappear why don't you," came Alice's irked voice behind us. "Jazzy they're over here on the steps."

Edward moved to stand up with me still clinging to him.

"I take it you two made up," Alice assessed, a grin forming at the corners of her mouth. Jasper strode up behind her and pulled her into his chest.

"Hate to break up the party, but we're gonna call it a night. I have to prep at the restaurant tomorrow morning for a huge party. You ready to head home, bro?" Jasper asked Edward.

"Sure one sec." Edward turned his back to his brother and took both of my hands in his, tracing the outline of my knuckles with his thumbs. "You ok?"

I nodded. "I'm much better now," I said softly.

"Good," he smiled in relief. "Me too. I'm glad I listened to Jasper and came here tonight."

"So am I." My hands squirmed inside his with nervous energy and he held onto them tighter.

There was something else I wanted ask him and I wasn't going to let him go until I did.

"Maybe we can, I dunno, hang out sometime?"

"When?" he asked brightly and I let out a short laugh of happiness.

"Whenever you want. You know where to find me."

His smile widened until it reached his dimples and if we were in a different time and place with different circumstances and no one watching, I would have pulled those lips down to meet mine and I would have explored them, I would have tasted them and learned them and savored everything they had to offer.

"Ok," he answered, brushing a stray hair out of my mouth. "I'd like that."

"What was that all about?" Alice asked as we pulled out of the parking lot and headed back to Forks. It wasn't yet midnight which meant we'd be home around 2am.

"What was _what_ all about?" I answered dismissively.

"You know what I mean. All that with Edward just now. He seemed so...intense. The way he was looking at you."

"Really?" I faced the window to hide my small smile.

"Yeah. It was like...possessive or...I dunno, animalistic or something. Like he was about to throw you over his shoulder."

"Like King Kong?" I laughed. "I must have been too busy apologizing to notice," I lied. Of course I noticed the way Edward looked at me. How could I not? I couldn't peel my eyes off him when he was around.

"So he forgave you?"

"_Forgave me?_ I didn't_ kill_ anyone, Al. I just...I hid from him...and...I hurt him. More than he's letting on."

"Wow. He's fucking in love with you," she snorted.

"Ugh would you cut that shit out please? You'd be the same way if I hid something like this from you for this long."

"Except he's a guy and he likes you and he wants it to be _his_ baby." She couldn't even finish her sentence before she started laughing. "You know it's true!"

"Keep it up, Alice. You think you're sooo funny." I rolled my eyes and rested my head against the headrest. "Are you done having a laugh at my expense?"

"Oh come on, honey, I'm just playing with you. I think it's sweet."

"There's nothing to think about. We're just friends. We haven't kissed or touched or done anything remotely non-friend-like."

_Other than sleep wrapped in each others arms and pleasure ourselves to thoughts of each other with nothing but a door separating us._

"Yet," she sang.

"I don't know why you keep pushing this."

"I want you to be happy, that's all."

"I don't deserve to be happy," I said without thinking.

"That's bullshit and you know it!" she hissed and I cringed. Alice didn't usually snap but when she did you knew she meant business. "None of this is your fault. What happened to Jake wasn't your fault. Don't start that shit, Bella. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I should have told him to stay home," I replied in a steely monotone voice. "I didn't need him to go out that day, but he did anyway. If I'd just-"

"Hey! I told you to STOP." She slapped her palm on the steering wheel for effect. "You can't change it, Bella. There's no point in beating yourself up. You still have your life, and yeah, I liked Jake and his shouldn't have ended early and it's not fair, it never is, but you need to make the most of _your_ life now. You need to enjoy it and fill it with things that are good and that make you happy. It would be an insult to Jake if you didn't." That was the last that was said on the subject and we spent the rest of the drive home singing along to the radio.

Alice peeled out of my driveway with a honk and a wave after making sure I got inside the house safe and sound.

I kicked off my kitten heels by the door and locked up before heading upstairs. After changing into a tank top and Edward's sweatpants – that I obviously had no intention of ever giving back to him – I washed my face brushed my teeth and crawled into bed in record time. I didn't have to work at Newton's til noon so I ignored the alarm clock and shut the light.

The moonlight shone brightly through the slightly open bedroom window. The breeze billowed the curtains in gauzy breaths. I was having the dream again - the one with the little boy running through the field and the little girl chasing him in her pretty eyelet dress. Only this time, when they were gathered in the man's strong arms laughing and squealing, I could hear them louder this time...I could hear them calling him daddy.

_Ping._

_Ping._

_Bella!_ came a loud whisper.

_Ping._

_Ping._

_BELLA._ Louder this time.

Pushing the comforter down, I sat up on my elbows and attempted to deduce whether or not I was dreaming and whether or not I should be terrified. I was alone in the house. It was - I looked at the clock on the bedside table - 3:27am. Charlie had guns under lock and key somewhere in the house but I'm sure I didn't know how to operate one if I tried and would probably end up shooting myself instead of the intruder.

_BELLA? Are you up there?_ It wasn't a whisper this time and it awoke the hook in my chest. It surged and pulled me towards the direction of the window. I pushed back the curtains, opened the window all the way and leaned out into the night air. My hair fell over my shoulders and my nipples hardened in response to the chill...and to the sight of Edward standing in the driveway below.

"_Edward?_ What are you doing here?"

"You said whenever I want," he grinned mischievously. He was still wearing the same clothes from the bar and a dark jean jacket with the collar upturned.

I shook my head in awe of Edward Cullen. "I'll be down in a minute."

I rushed to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, wiped the sleep out of my eyes, and hurried downstairs. Flinging the door open, Edward stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

"Hi," he said, his lips twitching infinitesimally.

"Hi," I answered breathlessly and wishing I had put a bra on. "Why do you keep doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Coming to my window and chucking pebbles at it."

"To get your attention," he said as though I should already know that. "Did I wake you up?"

"Y'think?" I joked. "It's three-thirty in the morning."

"I wanted to see you again," he shrugged apologetically.

"Edward, you just saw me," I giggled. "We could have hung out tomorrow if you wanted."

"I couldn't wait. I couldn't sleep. So I got up, put my clothes back on and got in the car. I didn't think too much further into it...I just...I was really glad to see you tonight, Bella."

_He was?_

"You were? You didn't seem it...at first..."

"I was in shock. You took my breath away." His eyes widened as he realized what he said and quickly continued. "I wasn't expecting you. Jasper didn't tell me you were going to be there."

"Would you have gone if you knew?"

"I didn't have much of a choice. Jazz picked me up from the airport and told me we were going to Port Angeles for a few drinks."

"You flew in from Boston _tonight_? Jesus Edward you must be exhausted!"

"Nah, I'm good," he smiled again. _He reeeeally needs to stop doing that._

We went into the kitchen and I put the kettle on. He pulled out a chair and sat down. I set a mug in front of him and dropped a teabag in it. Orange Spice - the one he chose the last time he came to my house unannounced and we sat in this very formation.

"So what were you doing in Boston?" I asked nonchalantly even though the question was killing me.

"Touring Beth Israel, where I'll be doing my residency. And I looked at a few apartments. Things like that. I have to go back again before the end of the summer to sign the lease and meet with my advisor."

"Did you see Tanya while you were there?"

"_Bellaaa_," he groaned. "Why do you want to know that?"

"I just do."

"...Yes. I saw her."

"You'll be living with her."

"She's not a resident. She still has a year left of classes."

"You're avoiding the question."

He sighed again. "She wants us to live together, yes. Ok? Can we talk about something else please?"

"Like what?"

"You looked beautiful tonight." I froze, not expecting_ that_ to be the something else. "Rosalie's clothes are made for you."

"How did you know they were Rosalie's?" I blushed. He _was_ checking me out tonight. I _knew_ it. Cue inner-happy dance.

"I told you, Rosalie always asks for my opinion when she's creating new pieces. She sent me a bunch of her sketches while I was in Boston...I picked the ones I liked best...and those are the ones you were wearing. ...I think she wants you to be her personal muse."

"Yeah well she'll change her mind quick when I start getting too gigantic to fit in anything but a potato sack." I chuckled at my little joke but Edward didn't say anything. He didn't laugh, he didn't move to argue with me, no _'Psshaw nonsense Bella, you could never look anything but gorgeous and fit_'. I stood facing the stove, embarrassed. The kettle shrieked and I moved it to another burner and shut the flame. The hook jumped to life in my chest and pulled me around to face him, but he was already there. He was standing right behind me - I didn't even hear him get up from the table, but the hook knew. My nose was an inch away from his chest, which was slowly rising and falling as he breathed. At this angle it was apparent how much taller he was than me. If I took a step forward I'd be in his arms.

"Why do you say things like that?" he asked seriously, his eyes boring into my soul. His voice was deep and gravely and he expected an answer.

"I-I don't know," I stuttered. I was completely taken aback by his proximity, his smell assaulted my senses and I was glad I wasn't holding anything because it would have crashed to the floor long ago.

"It's unnecessary." He wasn't touching me but it felt like his hands were all over me with the way my body was reacting. I was burning up and not because I was standing in front of the stove. I crossed my arms at my chest to hide my nipples that were about to poke through my ribbed tank top.

"You don't have to prepare me, Bella, or anyone else for the changes that are going to happen. We'll be ready."

My heart skipped at the sweetness of his sentiment. "...Maybe it's _me_ who won't be ready. I didn't plan any of this, Edward. This isn't how I expected my life to turn out." Without warning my knees began to tremble and my hands were suddenly damp with sweat. Like a flash the blood drained from my face and I felt cold all over.

"Bella?" came Edward's voice from far away. The image in front of me, his strong chest as he backed up to reveal the sheer concern on his face, started to blur and twist. "Bella? You're shaking." His voice echoed loudly in my ears and I winced. Bile rose in my throat and I choked it back. Sweat poured down the sides of my face. My knees started to bend and my weight threatened to topple me to the floor. In an instant and all at once I was gathered in his arms and picked up and the rooms changed as Edward carried me up the stairs. I laced my arms around his neck and laid my head on his chest. His heart was speeding along with mine.

"I'm so cold," I whimpered as he pulled back the covers and placed me in the center of my bed. He gingerly arranged the pillows under my head and put two pillows under my feet. He covered me up under layers and layers of blankets. I heard him leave the room and rummage around in the hall closet, coming back with more blankets. He left again and this time I heard the water running in the bathroom. Soon he returned with a moist hand-towel and folded it over my forehead. It all happened so fast and in complete silence save for the rustling of the blankets and Edward's steady footsteps. He was so exact and in control. I guess I should have expected that from a doctor.

My shivers began to subside and the world came back into focus. Edward exhaled as he watched the color return to my cheeks and he sat down on the edge of the bed. He took my hand and placed it in his. I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles - then I realized he was taking my pulse, his fingers pressed against the underside of my wrist.

"When's the last time you've eaten, Bella?" His tone was curt and direct - the same as Carlisle's.

"I ate today," I eked out. "I had...some toast with jelly and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and..."

"Uh huh. ...Breakfast." And with that he got up and walked out of the room. I didn't have the strength or the energy to get up and follow him. Shortly after he left, sounds floated up from the kitchen. The opening and closing of cabinets and the door of the fridge. The sharpness of slicing and the whir of the blender. What could have been minutes or an hour passed and then once again the sounds of footsteps growing closer until Edward reappeared with a glass in his hand.

"What's this?" I asked, as he turned on the light by the bed and sat down next to me. I propped myself up against the headboard and took the drink he handed me.

"A protein shake of sorts, made from the most random things I found in your refrigerator. Half a banana, two apples, milk, orange juice, an entire container of strawberries. Try it."

I held it to my nose. It didn't smell bad but it was this weird orangey neon pink color. I raised my eyebrows at Edward who looked at me with an unyielding stare.

"Oh alright," I consented and put the glass to my lips. I took a sip. And then another. The frothy concoction slid down my throat and instantly it felt like I'd been given a B-12 shot. "Wow, Edward, this is actually really good. Wanna try?"

"No. It's for you. Drink the whole thing. You need to start watching what you eat _and_ eating regularly, Bella. It's important. We're gonna have to take you food shopping as well, because what you feed Charlie and what you should be eating as an expectant mother are far from the same things." He was being stern with me but behind it was an aura of protection and concern. He cared about me. He wanted me to be well.

"Thank you, Edward. For making this and...for everything." He smiled weakly and nodded. We were quiet for a few moments and I got this knot in my stomach in anticipation of the moment that he was going to get up and leave.

"Edward?" I said, my voice filling the silent void in the room.

"Yes?" he replied, his eyes still trained on the wall above my desk where a Periodic Table of the Elements hung.

"Did you mean what you said to me at the bar tonight?"

"About?"

"About giving me another chance to be your friend?"

"Oh that." A sly grin spread across his face. "Would it make you happy if I said you have another chance?"

"Yes."

"Alright. You have another chance."

"That makes me happy."

"But can I try something first?"

"Is that a condition?"

"Hmm. ..._Yes_."

"Ok fine," I rolled my eyes. He moved on the bed so that he was facing me and took off his jacket, tossing it onto the desk chair.

"Are you going to tell me what it is you want to try or do I have to guess? ...Is it my cooking? I make a mean meatloaf, ask Charlie. ...Oh no, you want to try my underwear on, don't you? I should have known you were into kinky shit."

He threw his head back and laughed heartily at the ceiling. It was a gorgeous sight. "No, nothing like that." he paused. "I want to kiss you." He waited for me to slap him and when I didn't, he continued. "Friends kiss each other now and then, don't they?"

"Uhh..._do they_? ...I guess so. Not, like, porno kisses or anything, but, yeah, I guess they kiss."

"Hm ok no porno kissing. Just a regular kiss then."

"An experiment."

"Yeeeah," he smiled, liking the sound of that. "Think of it as research."

Without giving me a chance to back out, he leaned in and that's when I knew it was going to happen. I closed my eyes and didn't move. The sound of the mattress creaking underneath him was the only indicator of how close he was getting. I held my breath and waited. He was moving towards me painfully slow, and then I felt his breath waft over my face. _Strawberries_.

"Are you ready?" he whispered and my skin broke out in chills. The hook was in my throat. I nodded yes even though I was sure I'd never be ready for Edward Cullen. His palm pressed into the mattress next to my hip and he braced his weight on his left arm.

And then the jolt of electricity ignited between us as I felt his lips press against mine; hesitantly at first as if I might burn him, and then rougher and with more confidence. And dear god it was _heavenly_. His lips were soft and moist and I was so busy feeling them that I forgot to kiss him back. I parted my lips and caught his bottom lip between mine. I pulled it in my mouth and ran my tongue across the rounded plump flesh. I sucked it gently and he let out a low groan. One more suck and I let it go. I parted my lips again and my tongue found its way into the warmth of Edward's mouth. The velvet sensation of our tongues brushing and lapping spurned us on and the floodgates opened. Our lips crashed together again and again and Edward's hand was at the back of my neck, pulling me closer, and my arms wound around his waist pulling him closer, my breasts smashed against his chest, our hearts pounded inside their cages desperate to be let out. Our breathing was ragged and sharp; hissing in through our nostrils and panting out through our mouths. My fingers found their way into Edward's hair, clawing up the nape of his neck through the short bristles until they reached the longer pieces that could be grabbed and pulled. I learned that when I pulled Edward's hair he let out a feral groan, and he learned that when he tongue-kissed me and sucked my bottom lip I let out a porno moan.

"Is this ok?" he growled, his tongue in my teeth and my hands raking through his hair. I'd found my way into his lap and we were now in the middle of my bed in a tangle of blankets and body parts.

"Uh huh," I managed to get out as I pushed and rocked in his lap. His fingers dug into my hips as he held me in place and that's when I felt the hardness between his legs. I giggled into his mouth and he pulled back slightly.

"What's funny?"

"This," I said, pressing my hand against the tightness in his jeans. He hissed.

"Bella, don't touch that."

"Why not?"

"Because you're making it worse. And by worse I mean, better. It feels too good when you do that."

I blushed and hid my face in the pulse of his neck. "Sorry."

"Don't ever be sorry, Bella. Hey, don't hide. Let me see your beautiful face."

My "beautiful face" was beet-red but so was Edward's. His lips looked liked they'd been stung by bees and his breath was still ragged. He slid his hand to the base of neck and pulled me in for one more chaste kiss. He pulled away slowly, a thin trail of saliva still connecting our lips together.

"That was...really nice...to put it mildly," he said, licking his bottom lip.

I was speechless. My lips were still slightly parted in shock. That was, without a doubt, the most erotic make-out session I'd ever had. It was everything I thought it would be when I thought about what it would be like to kiss Edward Cullen.

"Is that how you kiss your friends?" I asked in an attempt to diffuse the sexual tension and the fact that I was soaking right through Edward's Harvard Medical School sweatpants. I was still sitting in his lap, half-on half-straddling his thigh.

He laughed and brushed my hair out of my face, fanning it out across my back and tucking the strands behind my ears. "It is now."

We pried ourselves apart and I returned to my laid-back position. Edward fixed the covers around me and brought my empty glass to the sink downstairs. He returned to my room and grabbed his jacket off the chair.

"Don't go," I blurted out. Edward turned to me, a hopeful look on his face. He put his jacket back down. The clock on my nightstand shone 4:27am. "Um, I was going to ask you if you wouldn't mind staying here tonight. Charlie's going to be away for a few days. Fishing trip, I think. Or camping. Or bear-hunting, who the hell knows, and I..." I blushed, pulling the covers up higher. "The house makes these noises I'm not used to and- it's no big deal if you can't, but-"

Edward crossed the room and stood at the edge of the bed.

"Sure, Bella. I'll stay." He took a blanket from the bed and walked towards the door. "Just holler if you need me. Or text," he smiled. "I'll be on the couch."

"Or you could stay here," I interrupted. "I mean, we've shared a bed before. It's way more comfortable than the couch, and you're doing me a favor so it's only right."

"Umm, ok, sure..." he put the blanket back on the bed. "I'll just need to go to the bathroom and...use your toothbrush."

"By '_use my toothbrush_' do you mean '_lose your erection'_?" I waggled my eyebrows at him, knowingly referring to the incident in Seattle.

"Very perceptive, beautiful. You know damn well I can't sleep next to you like this." he waved his hand over the crotch of his jeans, which still had a giant tent in it.

I snuggled down into the comfort of my bed while Edward was in the bathroom taking care of business. When he returned it was obvious that he'd splashed water on his face and through his hair. I pretended not to look while he pulled off his shirt and stripped down to his underwear in one fluid motion and got into bed. My bed was considerably smaller than the king-sized one we shared in Seattle but Edward was a perfect gentleman and stayed on his side.

"How'd everything, erm, come out?" I asked and then busted out laughing. "I'm sorry, Edward, I couldn't help myself."

"Your jokes keep get better and better," he sighed, rolling his eyes. He tucked his arm under his head and pulled the sheet up to his waist, leaving his entire bare chest exposed.

"Bella?"

"Hm?"

"I really liked kissing you. I just wanted you to know that."

"I really liked kissing you, too."

"So you're ok with it? I wasn't, uh, I didn't think it would get that intense. I was really just planning on giving you a peck."

"I believe you," I blushed. "I was a little taken off guard but I can't lie, I've been dying to know what it's like to kiss you. so...yes, I'm ok with it."

He turned on his side and stuffed a pillow under his arm.

"How'd the sonogram go? I'd planned on asking my dad when I got home, but since I'm here with you..." he trailed off and I nodded. I knew what he meant. I was glad he was here too.

"Doctor Travers said everything looks good. They gave me a picture of the baby. You wanna see it?" I asked excitedly and Edward's face lit up.

"I'd love to see it, Bella."

We laid in bed and I showed Edward the grainy photo of my unborn child. He pointed out where all the parts were, the blurry bits that were actual arms and legs. I laid on my back and he lifted up my shirt the tiniest bit and traced the outline of the baby inside me as he explained where everything was and what was going to happen, how my belly would grow, how my body would change but how it would be the best thing that would ever happen to me. And when I cried he held me, and when I laughed he held me too, and I swore when I laughed and cried he laughed and cried with me, and when we finally fell asleep at dawn we fell asleep again in each others arms, only this time we knew how we got that way, with the black and white photo nestled safely between us.

* * *

**Still alot more to go. This story takes you through Bella's entire pregnancy and the ups and downs that go along with it as well as the ups and downs that go along with her relationship with Edward. She's still confused and guilt-ridden about her feelings for him so things are not going to be easy. Again I'm not going crazy with medical specifics - that is just waaay too boring and time consuming, but I promise I won't make things up if they aren't actual conditions that exist.**

**Please review and let me know your thoughts. **


	12. Touch, Feel, Lose

**A little lemony spritzer for ya's :)**

* * *

I thought maybe I could be some kind of shelter  
But oh, your storm how it raged  
You know your kisses, they like lightnin' and thunder  
And your smile is sweet and come down like rain

I never wanted to be your dancin' shoes  
I just wanted you to love me  
I just wanted you to love me  
Touch, feel & lose

- _Touch, Feel, Lose_, Ryan Adams

_Bella is now 12 weeks pregnant._

**BPOV**

The state of the art muzak system Mike Newton installed all by himself, as he so proudly reminded me every two fucking seconds, was currently playing the original Woody Guthrie version of _Roll on Columbia_ through little speakers Mike had hidden on the walls behind the moose head and deer antlers. It's the official Washington State folksong and since I spend a good portion of my life in this over sized log cabin, I've come to prefer it over the dozens of other traditional songs about the Pacific Northwest I'm subjected to day in and day out – (_The Frozen Logger_? _The Old Settler_? Are you kidding me with these titles?)

"Sounds good, huh? Doesn't it, Bella?" Mike asked, again. "The sound system, I mean," he quickly clarified, just in case there was any confusion as to what he meant, y'know in case I hadn't heard him the dozen other times he'd asked me the same exact question since I came in today.

"Yeah, Mike, it sounds great. It really gives the store that added ambiance of...uh...camping, or something." I was really struggling for a compliment that didn't contain the phrase, 'I'm gonna blow my brains out if I have to listen to _The Bold Northwestman_ one more time.'

"I think the customers are really going to like it," he beamed, looking around the store proudly.

"Me, too," I said, closing the till with my hip and handing him the morning's receipts.

"You do?" His face lit up like Times Square. "Really?"

"Sure, I mean this is a sporting goods store and we happen to be located in the Pacific Northwest. It fits the mood."

"That's exactly what I thought!" he grinned like he'd just discovered how to split the atom. "See, Bella! You and me, we think alike." He put his arm around me, still glowing from my compliment. It was a friendly gesture and I honestly believed that it was, so I put up with the quasi-embrace for a few moments before casually pulling away and returning behind the register.

"Y'know, Bella," he cleared his throat. "I was thinking..."

"Uh oh," I joked.

"Ha ha, no seriously. There's a new opening for an assistant manager here at the store. I need to fill the position by next week and...well, you'd be perfect for it. You really know what you're doing. You're great with the customers. You put me in my place, and that's a good thing. You'd have to work a few more hours but there's a pay increase and you'd only have to work every other Sunday. What do you think?"

"Wow...Mike, I..."

"You wouldn't have to do any heavy lifting, I'll make sure all of that is taken care of. No moving boxes or putting out stock once you get big- I mean, once you can't do it anymore." His face turned bright red as he recovered from his word hiccup and did everything in his power to avoid looking at my stomach.

He'd been tripping over himself, acting extra super polite to me ever since the official word got around about my pregnancy. Pretty much everyone in Forks knew by now – mostly through the grapevine, but I'd told Mike myself. He was my boss after all and I wanted to be professional even though he was a giant boob-ogling pervert. He took it surprisingly well, I must admit. No vomiting, no "ewww"-face. He fidgeted awkwardly when I said the work 'baby' and mumbled something about having to ask his dad, who owned the store, what to do about my maternity leave. I was impressed that he even knew the concept of leave. Turns out his older sister that I didn't know he had, apparently she lives in Tacoma - was also pregnant so he'd backed off from hitting on me endlessly and knocked the whiny, annoying thing down a few notches.

Maybe I remind of his sister now. Score.

The bell chimed and my heart skipped a beat as I watched Edward walk through the front door. He was wearing a red Harvard Lacrosse muscle tee that showed off his insanely cut arms, and navy blue track pants. His hair was damp and disheveled, his cheeks flushed, yet he still looked heavenly. I wished I looked more presentable; not wearing the mandatory monogrammed _Newton's Sporting Goods_ polo tucked into a hideous pair of pleated khakis.

Edward made his way towards the counter in slow motion, a coy smile curling the corner of his mouth.

"Hey you," he leaned over the register and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek. He smelled like pine and musk and I missed him so much when he wasn't around.

"Hey," I blushed uncontrollably. "I didn't expect to see you today. Why are you all sweaty?"

"I ran here. Well..._technically_ I was jogging with my father and his colleagues, but I took a detour when we passed by the store."

"Oh," I smiled ear to ear and headed over to the linen aisle to grab him a towel. Mike could take the cost out of my paycheck.

"I'm glad you came by." I handed him a fluffy green one.

"Me too. It feels like I haven't seen you in forever." A droplet of sweat rolled down the bridge of his nose and hung onto his bottom lip before splashing on tile floor. He took the towel out of my hands and ran it down his face and arms. He might as well have been toweling off after a shower the way I was eye-fucking him while he wasn't looking.

The truth was he hadn't seen me since the last time he stopped by the store, two days ago when he surprised me with lunch for us both and we ate outside on the picnic table. It was nice. More than nice. But we hadn't officially hung out since the night he slept over. We talked every morning and sometimes at lunchtime and then again before we went to bed, oh and we text a million times a day so it wasn't like we weren't in contact. But I knew what he meant. I wanted to kiss him again, so incredibly bad it physically hurt. I longed for it. I wanted to sleep curled into his side with my arm draped over his bare chest, my fingers curling through the smattering of hair that ran a fine line down his belly. I wanted to do these things with him because they felt good. _I_ felt good when I was with Edward. But Charlie had come home early from his bear-hunting trip or whateverthefuck and put the brakes on any chance of Edward slipping into my room unnoticed.

Edward leaned against the shelf and looked down at me with that face of his. "I was actually wondering if you'd like to come to dinner at my house tonight. My mom's cooking a feast. Rosalie's making dessert. Jasper's coming home. Alice and Emmett will be there too, if that helps sweeten the pot," he smiled.

"Oh the pot is already very sweet," I sighed into that dreamy face. "I'd love to come. Charlie's working late every night this week. What's the occasion?"

"It's my birthday."

"_What!_" I screeched, scaring off a potential customer that was about to ask me a question. "_When?_"

"Today."

"_Today's_ your _birthday_? Edward! Why didn't you tell me?"

He laughed and put his arm around me. _This_ arm I wanted. Completely different feeling from Mike's.

"It's not a big deal, honestly. I've been so busy with my dad and all the arrangements for my residency that it slipped my mind. It's a stupid thing to focus on."

"No it's not!" I tantrumed. "It's a big deal, Edward! It's your special day! You should have told me!"

"Why? ...Would you have done something for me?" he grinned and the heat rose to my cheeks and set fire to my thighs.

"Maybe," I answered coyly.

"Well damn. Now I wish I'd made a big deal out of it," he pretend-sulked.

"I don't have a present for you."

He unwrapped me from his arm so I could see him better. "You don't need to get me a present, Bella. Come to dinner with me, that'll be my present."

He really was the most spectacular creature I'd ever witnessed.

"I have to work until seven." I frowned and pointed at the clock on the wall shaped like a woodland creature. It said five-thirty.

"Hmm." Edward sucked his cheek in and thought. "Dinner's at seven. Maybe you can leave a little early?"

"Ahem," came a not-so-subtle cough from behind us and I remembered that Mike was still standing at the register. Something about Edward's presence fogged up my brain and made everyone and everything else in the world invisible.

"Yes, Mike?" I snapped in annoyance. He was eavesdropping. There was _one_ customer loitering at the magazine rack leafing through issues of _Outdoor_. I'd restocked everything in sight at the beginning of my shift. What was his problem with me talking to Edward for two minutes?

"Hey what's up, Newton? Didn't see you there." Edward turned to face him and the difference between the two of them was astonishing. When put up against another man, Edward's sharp features, the lines and curves of his body, the swell of his ass, the length of his torso, the cut of the muscles in his legs and arms – everything about him was leaps and bounds ahead of anything anyone else had to offer. He was unprecedented. It was unfair. If I were a guy, I'd be fucking pissed.

"Hello Cullen," Mike said curtly. "Home for the summer?"

"You know it," Edward moved a step closer to me and smiled with glee. The damp hairs of his arm tickled mine.

Mike sighed and rolled his eyes. "Greeeat. Well we have work to do. Bella, you were going to help me in the back?"

"Right." I turned to Edward. "I was going to help him in the back."

"That sucks." His cheek dimpled in a frowny-pout and he slung the towel over his shoulders. Mike thrust the clipboard at me and stood impatiently. Edward paid him no attention at all, which only served to drive Mike more crazy. Edward's such a smart bunny. He took my hand and pulled me to his chest and even though it was wet with his sweat, I didn't flinch. I sank into him. He leaned his mouth next to my ear and whispered so his lips fluttered on butterfly wings.

"I really hope you can make it to dinner."

He left the store leaving me standing speechless in a puddle of girl-goo. I smoothed my hair where he'd been and tightened my ponytail that he tugged on before he left.

Shit. I hadn't even said Happy Birthday.

"What are you, like, _dating him_ now or something?" Mike snorted.

"Ugh, no Mike," I huffed, pushing passed him towards the camping equipment aisle. He followed me. "We're not dating, as if it's any of your business."

"If you're leaving early, it's my business."

"Fine, I _won't _leave early then." I squatted down and pretended to be really busy straightening the rows of totes and duffel bags. This was such bullshit. What was wrong with me leaving an hour early? I wanted to dash home and at least change into something presentable and put some fresh deodorant on. I sure as shit wasn't going to Edward's birthday dinner in my dorky work clothes. Ugh if Rosalie could see me now she'd never design with me in mind again.

Mike was still standing next to me. I could see his chicken legs and really white Nike's out of the corner of my eye.

"We never finished discussing the assistant manager position."

Oh right. I'd forgotten about that. Damn dreamy Edward making my head all...uh...dreamy.

I rose to my feet. We were about the same height, Mike and I, which made him short.

"Thank you for considering me for the position, Mike."

"So you're interested?"

"Yes." How could I not be? I desperately needed the money and I pretty much already did all the things an assistant manager does except scheduling and signing off on time cards. If Mike could do it, how hard could it be? The employees were incredibly nice and I already knew waaaay more about long underwear than I'd ever need to divulge.

"An assistant manager wouldn't be able to leave their shift early," he grumbled and I knew it was time to turn on the charm.

"I'm not starting today, am I?" I smiled like a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and gave him my doe-eyes. "Plus you can run this place with your eyes closed."

He crossed his arms and huffed and looked around the empty store and huffed again.

"Fine. Go. I'll get the paperwork together for you to sign on Monday."

I bounced in place and was about to give him a hug when I decided to punch him playfully in the shoulder. Don't wanna go giving him the wrong idea. It didn't take much with Mike Newton.

"You're the best boss _everrrr_," I sang, skipping to the break room to grab my bag.

...

Pulling up to the Cullen residence in Charlie's beat up Chevy truck - with the Saab, Mercedes, Hummer, and Edward's Volvo parked outside - was humiliating to say the least. It was loud, it was ugly, and the cab smelled like fifty years of cigarettes.

Charlie had the old clunker since I lived in Forks with him and my mom. He used to smoke back then - something he and my mom always used to fight about. This must have been where he hid when the fighting got bad. These days he drove around in his cruiser but, one morning not longer after I got the job at Newton's, Charlie woke me up early and told me to come downstairs. I opened the front door yawning and in my pajamas and there in the driveway sat the rusted, still-kinda-red, Chevy pickup. It had been hiding under a tarp in the shed out back for years but still "ran like a beast", Charlie said.

"With a brand new set of all-weather tires," he added, handing me the keys. He showed me how to start her up, and told me to go out there kick some ass. The truck was a fucking tank. I could literally drive over anyone who took too long making a complete stop.

I parked the beast in the only free spot next to Edward's Volvo and slammed the door. It echoed around the estate like a bomb had gone off and I cringed. I was trying _not_ to draw attention to myself and my rusted heap, remember?

The front porch light sprung to life and illuminated the entire driveway and surrounding courtyards. For a second I thought maybe I'd been pinned in the tractor beam of a descending helicopter with how fucking bright it was. I shielded my eyes as I made my way up the steps. Edward was standing in the doorway when I reached the top and I felt the ear to ear grin spread across my face. He was wearing black jeans and sneakers with a crisp white dress shirt and a thin black tie loosely tied.

"Geez, that light is fucking intense," I joked, but before I could finish my bitching Edward pulled me inside the house and had me pressed against the door. His stare was heated and consuming and I barely had a chance to take in how fuckawesomely hot he looked and smelled before his mouth was on mine. His fingers dragged through my hair – good thing I'd worn it down – and he was breathing heavily through his nose. He tasted like mint-flavored toothpaste. I opened my mouth to kiss him back and his tongue sprang forward, pushing its way inside. I moaned and he responded in pleasure by nudging his hips forward. I felt it. His erection. He was aroused and it was big and hard and to the left and his lips were full and soft and his hands were squeezing my waist.

My knees began to shake.

His lips traveled down my jaw and he tasted the back of my earlobe with his tongue. I moaned again, not caring that someone might hear. My hands found their way up the back of his neck and into his hair, guiding his head while he kissed his way along my neck. He was considerably taller than me so he stopped at my collarbone and made his way back up the other side until his mouth found mine again.

"Wow. What was that about?" I trembled breathlessly once he'd come up for air.

"I've been wanting to do that for days," he muttered, still gazing at me in awe. "You look incredible."

"I do?" I peered at my reflection in the gilded mirror to my right. Caged in Edward's arms, my face was flushed, my lips swollen as if stung by bees. He'd messed up my hair pretty good. I needed to make sure to smooth it down before I faced anyone. Standing next to Edward I looked like an orphan. Even though I'd left work early, I still hadn't had much time to get ready. As soon as I got home I jumped in the shower, washed my hair and body at lightning speed, took a quick razor to my legs, jumped out, threw on a pair of dark jeans, an off-the-shoulder semi-dressy purple tee that I knotted at my hip, I brushed my teeth, applied some mascara and powder from my compact, slipped on my black flats and let my hair dry on the way. I looked pretty boring, to be honest.

"You're so beautiful, Bella. I wish I could find a different way to describe you but 'beautiful' is always the first word that comes to my mind." His sincerity was absolute. You could see it in his shining eyes. There was no way for me to question the truthfulness of his statement. And the way he looked at me, imploring me to believe him...

"Maybe I should have worn Newton's uniform," I snorted. "That might bring a different word to your mind. Like 'loser' or 'complete idiot'."

"...Nope. Still beautiful," he grinned, tracing his thumb over my cheekbone.

"Where is everyone?" I suddenly felt terribly exposed, like we were being watched by people at the top of the staircase.

"They're in the party room."

"You have a _party room_?"

"Kinda. It's just a big room with long tables and a dance floor and a smaller kitchenette attached," he shrugged modestly. "We use it for birthdays and holidays."

"Lemme guess...Alice decorated?" I raised my eyebrows and Edward started laughing heartily. I rolled my eyes. "I knew it. She's so predictable. Please tell me you didn't let her pick a theme."

"No, no theme. Can you imagine? " Edward chuckled, taking my hand and leading me down the hall. "A comic book theme perhaps? I'd show up and everyone would be dressed as their favorite superhero. ...Although, you'd make a hot-as-hell Wonder Woman."

"And who would you be?"

Edward glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. "Spiderman, naturally."

"Ahh. Well then, wouldn't I have to be Mary Jane?"

...

The party room was near the gym and swimming pool - I could tell by the scent of chlorine - and as we walked I started to feel more acclimated with the layout of the Cullen house...mansion...estate...whatever. It was big.

Loud music and the smell of food made it obvious that we were close. We rounded a corner to face a giant set of double doors.

"Here we are," Edward said casually. He opened the door and ushered me inside with a squeeze. The first voice we heard boomed around the cavernous interior.

"Hey duuuude!" Emmett roared, rushing over to greet Edward by trapping him in a giant bear hug and lifting him off the ground. "Happy birthday, man!" He set him down after a few seconds and Edward tucked his shirt back in his jeans.

"Thanks, Em," Edward grinned. Emmett slapped him on the back and turned to check me out.

"Bella, heyyy, you look hot. Um, I mean...nice...uh sorry..." he looked at Edward, who was trying not to laugh, and shrugged. "I dunno, man. What was I supposed to say? She is. Girls like to hear that shit, right?"

"It's ok, Emmett," I giggled. "I take it as a tasteful compliment."

"Cool. Ok come on, bro. Jazz is outside cooking some shit on the grill and I set up the b-ball hoop. How about a friendly game of one-on-one while we wait for the girls to get back from the shop?"

Edward looked at me with boyish zeal and I smiled. "Have fun guys." Edward pulled me close and kissed me on the cheek before chasing Emmett out onto the patio. I strolled around the room, admiring the buffet tables piled high with veggies and chips and dip. Music was coming from somewhere but there were no speakers or sound system to be seen.

"Bella!" Esme exclaimed as she approached me with arms outstretched. She crossed the wooden floor and wrapped me in a hug."We're so glad you could make it." I melted into her honeydew smell and she hummed in approval.

"Everything looks amazing in here." Even though the room was enormous and airy, with high ceilings lined with ornate ceiling fans, it felt cozy and intimate. French doors opened to an outside patio and the night summer breeze blew the curtains in undulating waves.

"Alice and Rosalie. They did it all. Right down to the floral centerpiece. I can't take credit for anything but the cooking. Although with Jasper hovering over me the entire time and making what he calls _suggestions_, I can barely take credit for that either," she winked. "We usually eat as a family in the dining room, as you know, and save this room for entertaining the extended family, but we're just _so so_ excited to have Edward home for his birthday. ...It's been years since he's been home on his birthday. When the kids were, well, kids, we'd have birthday parties every year, one for the twins and one for Edward. He loved them. We miss him so...I can't remember the last-" Her chin trembled and her eyes welled up with tears. She shook her head and brushed them away.

"I'm sorry. I promised Carlisle I'd stop crying. He's threatened to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart when I'm not looking if I keep it up."

"Don't be sorry. I think it's sweet, and I'm sure it means the world to Edward to be loved so much. He's very lucky." A twinge ran through me and I touched my stomach without realizing it.

"Oh Bella," she sniffled. "You're such a _nice_ girl." And just when I thought she'd to fall to pieces in front of me, Edward appeared and put his strong arm around her. He had a beer in his hand and was all red in the face from horsing around with Emmett and Jasper.

"Mom? You're not crying again, are you?" Edward scolded playfully. "Remember what dad said would happen if he saw you crying again?" He continued to tease his emo mother. "You wouldn't want to be passed out for my party, would you?"

"Oh Edward," Esme choked, trying to hold it together. "I was just saying how nice Bella is. Isn't she? Isn't Bella just the most darling girl?"

"The most."

""I'm so glad you brought her."

"Me too."

"She is going to be a wonderful mother.

"Yes," he said quickly, his tone suddenly serious, his eyes boring into mine. "That she is."

...

"_To Edward!_"

We raised our glasses and cheered.

"Happy birthday, son," Carlisle announced proudly from the head of the table. "You have already accomplished so much in your short years and the future is limitless. To say I'm proud of you is an understatement. ...Esme, what did I say about the crying?"

"Dinner was wonderful, Mrs. Cullen," I said to distract her oncoming waterworks. "You'll have to give me all the recipes."

"Now for the cake!" Rosalie announced, popping up from her chair. Edward took my hand under the table and squeezed it in my lap.

"Thank you," he said softly, his eyes burning in the glow of the candles.

"For what?"

"For coming tonight."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world."

After we all stood and sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY at the top of our lungs and Rosalie playfully smushed a piece of cake in Edward's face, we sat down to dessert and Rosalie banged her fork on her glass.

"Can I have everyone's attention, please?" she shouted. The room quieted. "Thank you. I know this is Edward's party and I'm sooo glad he's home and that we're celebrating it together...I love you, Edward...but if you wouldn't mind, Alice and I have an announcement to make."

Rosalie gazed adoringly at Emmett and squeezed his hand. Alice leaned into Jasper's shoulder. Something was up and they were the only ones at the table who knew what it was.

"Rose? Alice? What's this all about?" Carlisle asked and Esme sucked in her breath in preparation for the news.

"Ok...well..." Rose began. "Alice and I are going to Paris! For six months!"

"_What?_" we all said at the same time.

"Yes! I was contacted by Adeline and Paul-Henri from the academy. Remember them, mom? We met when I was living out there, and they want me to come back, to work on some shows with them. Maybe even with Gaultier himself! In return they've offered me their studio, all their models and even their supplies if I want to finish designing my line. Isn't that incredible! It's the opportunity of a lifetime!"

"What about your store? _La Vie En Rose_? And the new one in Seattle?" Esme asked, her hand at her breast in shock.

"I've worked all that out. Construction won't be done until the end of the year and Maggie's going to run the Port Angeles shop while we're gone. We would have told you sooner but I wanted to have all the details ironed out first." She looked so happy – there was no way you could be anything but ecstatic for them both. Alice had tears in her eyes as she smiled at me from across the table. I blew her a kiss and she cried harder.

"I think that calls for another toast," Carlisle said, raising his champagne glass once more. "But before we do, I believe congratulations are an order for _you _as well, _Bella_."

My head sprang up and I was instantly in the spotlight "Huh? What for?" Everyone was looking at me. I clutched Edward's hand tighter under the table.

"It's June. That means you have officially entered your second trimester! Now that the word is out I trust your impending motherhood is no longer a secret and a subject worth celebrating?"

"Umm," my face blushed a heated red and I stared at my plate in embarrassment. "Yes. Thank you, sir. I mean, Carlisle."

"Aww, she's shy. You're embarrassing her, Carlisle," Esme cooed. "Congratulations to Isabella! And to Rosalie and Alice!" Everyone raised their glasses and cheered. Suddenly the room grew deafeningly loud with the music and the laughing and hugging and crying. It was overwhelming. I didn't want to attempt to stand, but Edward and I were the only ones sitting. I couldn't let go of his hand. I was frozen.

"Hey," came his sweet voice and he shifted closer in his chair so our thighs were touching. It was a familiar feeling and it put me at ease. I looked into his face and my breath hitched at the sight of him.

"Congratulations, Bella," he murmured in my ear. He pressed his lips to my temple and left them there while the room swirled around us.

"Wanna go up to my room?" he murmured, still breathing against my skin. "It's getting a little intense down here." He wasn't kidding. It had gone from family birthday party to Club Cullen in a matter of seconds. Emmett broke open a bottle of Don Julio and was lining up the shots. Even Esme and Carlisle were downing their fair share. Alice had dragged Jasper to the dancefloor and they were dry humping to an R. Kelly song. Emmett had one hand on Rose's ass while he licked salt from his other and tipped back shot after shot.

Without thinking, maybe I got wrapped up in the moment, I turned my head and captured Edward's lips in mine. I kissed him slowly and he kissed me back. I sucked his bottom lip into my mouth and he moaned. The music was loud but we were so close, I heard him whimper a little. His hand traveled around my waist and gripped me tight. "Let's get out of here," he growled and in an instant I was up, out of my chair, out of the room and speed walking with Edward down the hallway.

"That was too embarrassing for life," he panted, referring to the display we had just witnessed. "I never, _ever_, want to see my mom doing the bump and grind with my dad again. I'm scarred."

We tore down the corridor to the foyer and up the winding staircase to the second floor.

"Oh stop. I hope I'm still that into my husband after we've been married for as long as your parents," I said as we darted up the stairs and down the hall that led to Edward's bedroom.

"Your family's really nice, Edward. Dinner around a table. Birthday parties. I never had that kind of thing growing up."

We reached his bedroom and stopped. What was going to happen once we opened those doors and stepped inside? Was he expecting me to sleep with him? Was I expecting_ him_ to try to sleep with me? Would I be insulted if he didn't? The entire night had been one long game of foreplay for me. Sitting at a table next to him for that long, with the sparks flying, the electricity crackling, it was exhausting. My hormones were raging. I was flushed and sweaty and tingling all over. Would I be reacting this way if it were just any man standing here with me?

Let's face it, Edward wasn't just_ any_ man. He was the kind of man you didn't want to be with if you were trying to maintain your composure.

"Um...this is my bedroom," he said quietly, lightly placing his hand on the doorknob.

"I know that. I've been here before," I teased. He let out a breath he'd been holding and smiled. "OK." He opened the door and I stepped inside. It was just as I remembered. I went to the bed and sat on the edge. Edward took off his tie and remained standing.

"I hope my mom's food didn't make you sick or anything. She can get experimental sometimes. If she knew you were coming I'm sure she would have reigned it in. She's used us as guinea pigs for years. Now she's addicted to the Food Network. I'm not sure what half the stuff on the table even was," he scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"Your mom's a wonderful cook," I assured him. "And anyways, my morning sickness lasted all of a month. So far I haven't had any weird cravings."

Edward looked relieved to hear that and moved to sit on the bed next to me. The slight smell of beer and sugar frosting wafted off of him and I breathed in deeply to savor it.

"Yeah that's another thing my mom loves to give us crap about. Her gnarly food cravings when she was pregnant with us."

He rolled his eyes and recited the shopping list. "The twins made her insane for beets, balsamic vinegar, and shredded cheddar cheese– it had to be shredded - and_ I _had her sending my father out for carton after carton of maple walnut ice cream. And for _some reason_ she finds it necessary to inform me that she was a raging sex-fiend during her entire pregnancy with me, while the thought of sex while she was pregnant with the twins made her want to gag up her vinegar beet salad."

"Uh yeah _well_, I feel her pain on that one."

"On what one?"

"The horniness. I'm free from pretty much every typical pregnancy side-effect except bloating...and _that_."

"Really?"

"Yep. Really. ...Why are you looking at me like that? It's common-"

"No yes I know it is-" he stuttered nervously. Fuck it was so cute when he did that.

"Now I know how you guys must feel all the time with that _thing_ hanging between your legs. It's a curse," I snerked.

"Sooo, what have you been doing about it?"

"Having lots of sex," I said with a completely serious face...for two seconds before busting out laughing. "What do you think I've been doing about it, Edward? I'll save you the suspense. Nothing."

"Not even..." he fidgeted and raised his thick eyebrows. "Y'know."

"_Y'know_?" I mocked.

"Yeah...y'know like, self stimulation or whatever."

"_Or whatever?_" I giggled.

"Yes, stop mimicking me, ya damn parrot," he laughed. "You know what I'm trying to say."

"Well, there was this _one time_," I lowered my voice like I was telling him a secret and talked slowly. "I was in a hotel room with this really hot guy. He was in the bathroom. ...In the shower. I could hear the water running and I started to think about what he looked like in there. ...Wet. ...Naked."

"_Bella_," Edward gasped, closing his eyes.

"I pictured the water running down his tight body, the dimples in his back; his face held up to the spray; his skin covered in suds. The way the muscles in his shoulders flexed when he bent over to pick up the soap. It turned me on. ...I was laying in bed. I pushed my hand inside my underwear until I reached the spot where I wanted him to be. God it felt so good. I pretended that it was his fingers touching me there."

"_Bella what are you doing_?" Edward hissed. His eyes were still closed. I kept going.

"Then...I thought I heard him make a noise...a noise like the ones I was making. And I thought, Maybe he's doing the same think I am. ...And that turned me on even more. I was close. I kept picturing him; the water hitting his neck and chest as he pleasured himself to the thought of me. Even if he wasn't; even if I was just making it up in my head, the fantasy was enough to get me there."

"_You weren't making it up_," he whispered.

"_I know_," I whispered back and his eyes popped open.

"Jesus Bella why are you doing this?" His eyes were blazing ten shades darker than I'd ever seen them.

"Doing what?"

"Talking like that! It's driving me crazy!"

"Then do something about it," I dared with lust in my voice. Holy _shit_ when did I become so brazen? The headiness of the moment was getting to me. I was forgetting myself.

Edward gulped and his adam's apple bobbed in his throat. "Has anyone ever, I mean, did _he_...?"

"Yeah. He did." I knew he meant Jake.

"Did you like it?"

"...I guess so. I don't know."

"You don't know if you liked it?"

"I don't really remember." It was a lame answer but it was the truth. Unfortunately I honestly didn't remember ever getting a mind-blowing hand-job from Jake or from anyone else for that matter. Not that I'd had much experience with guys other than Jake. He was the first and only notch on my belt, and even though I'd kissed a few guys and one time one of them put their hand up my dress and made a huge mess out of trying to get me off, my resume of sexual experience was pretty short.

"Alice bought me a vibrator as a wedding present," I laughed.

"Did you use it?"

"After Jake passed out I'd fire that bad boy up, until he started complaining that it kept him awake. God, I can't believe I'm telling you this stuff." I blanched and rolled my eyes. "It makes my sex life sound fucking pathetic."

"Nah. Sometimes we just know how to give ourselves what we need better than anyone else."

"You're good with your fingers."

"Oh here we go. I was _waiting_ for this," Edward groaned, wiping his hands down his face. "I can't believe it took you this long to rub it in my face." He emphasized the word _rub_. "I'm a guy. You're a sexy woman. If I _didn't_ get an erection then you should have something to say."

"I _mean_ you're a surgeon and a pianist and a baseball player, _and _you have a singing voice that might as well be soaked in sex."

"What does my voice have to do with jerking off?"

I picked up his hand and threaded my short, stubby fingers through his long, slender ones.

"Nothing," I murmured. The electricity crackled in the air between us. Edward's eyes gave him away. They were lighter now and danced and sparkled; his feathered lashes parted as he looked at me, then down at our hands entwined.

He wanted to do it just as much as I wanted him to.

He ghosted his palm down my shirt, over my breasts, and slipped it under the hem. "Is this alright?" he asked breathlessly as he watched it move under my shirt and across my heated skin. I nodded and pushed my way up the mattress. He followed me and I laid back when I reached the headboard. Edward laid next to me on his side and spent a few minutes just running his hand over my tummy, lifting my shirt higher and higher with each pass of his hand until it was pushed up to my bra. There was only the tiniest bulge to my stomach but it was sensitive and Edward's touch on my skin was enough to bring me to orgasm right there. He was like a painter watching his brush glide across the canvas.

"Edward," I whispered and he looked up.

"Yes?"

"Touch me," I squirmed inside my jeans.

"Oh I will," he winked and went back to painting me. I threw my head back on the pillows and moaned low as I felt him undo the top button and zip of my jeans. He pulled the zipper all the way down and found the band of my little cotton panties.

"These are cute," he murmured. I pushed my jeans down a little more to give him better room to get his hand inside. "Well, aren't you my little helper?" he growled sexily, and then he kissed me, soft at first and then rougher and with moans and his dick was pressing into my thigh as he grinded into me. I stayed pinned on my back and let him worship me with his mouth and while he kissed I felt his hand slip under my panties and he hissed, finding my warmth.

"_Fuck Bella, you're so wet_," he whispered into my mouth as he cupped my sex. I sucked in a labored breath and arched my back. He trailed fiery kisses down my neck and rested his forehead on my chest. "_Christ I can't believe this is happening_," I heard him say.

His long index finger found its way between the folds and stroked the length of my slit. It was pure ecstasy and I cried out as he entered me deeper and deeper with each pass.

"Are you alright? Do you want me to stop?"

I shook my head vehemently. "NO." And he pushed his finger inside. I gasped. He pulled it all the way out and stuck it all the way back in. Then added another. His middle and index fingers pumped in and out of me while his thumb circled my swollen clit.

"Edward..._Edward...oh god_..." I bucked my hips. His panting breaths fanned across my chest as he watched his fingers disappear inside me. They were coated with my juices, I could hear the sounds they made as they slipped inside me with the rhythm Edward had found. I could almost taste the smell of my sex. It was potent and filled the air around us.

"_Bella, god you don't know how good this feels for me...you're so warm and tight._" I could barely make out what he was saying. His words were coming so fast and garbled.

"It's never felt like this. God Edward it's...never...felt like this." The roar was building low and rising. It wouldn't be long now. The tremors in my legs were spreading up to my middle. I didn't know what to do with my hands so I put them in Edward's hair and pulled. That made him let out a glorious moan and I knew what I wanted.

"_Edward_?" my eyes rolled in the back of my head as he pressed his thumb into my clit and hooked his fingers inside me.

"Yes, Bella?" he answered. "Tell me what you want. Anything."

"Kiss me."

**EPOV**

_"Kiss me."_

It was the simplest request and one that I was more than happy to fulfill.

"With pleasure."

I rose up to meet her lips, all the while still keeping my fingers inside her, slipping in and out of her neat folds and manicured flesh. She had the prettiest pussy I'd ever seen. Trimmed and soft and welcoming, fucking hell was it ever welcoming. She spread her legs slightly and opened for me and the moment I felt her moist walls wrap around my fingers, I was gone. I knew. This was it.

Her delicate hands found my jaw and pulled me down to her, forcing my mouth to hers. She liked it rough apparently. Her tongue was ravenous, lapping and toying with mine. I tried to keep up with her nips and bites as she devoured me. It was incredible. I'd never been kissed like this.

"Bella my god..." I couldn't breathe. Breathing meant letting go of her lips and that wasn't an option for either of us. I was painfully aroused and the friction of her writhing was making it worse. And by worse I mean, _awesome_.

"Baby, you're close. I can feel it. I can feel you around me. You're close."

"Don't stop. Edward, please..."

"I'm not going to stop until you come. You're going to come any second, Bella."

"No, no," she shook her head against pillows. She didn't want to come. She didn't want it to be over.

"Come for me, Bella. It's ok. It's going to feel good. Let go." She was panting so hard, gasping, her chest rising and falling like someone possessed. I leaned back on my knees and pulled her jeans down so I could concentrate on getting her off. I pushed my free hand down on her hip to steady her. She cried out - a pleasurable cry. I was learning what each of her sounds meant.

"Fuck Bella, your body is so amazing. Look at you. Laying out like this." I wanted to taste her. I wanted to bend down and trace my tongue along the edges of her soaked folds. Her pussy was shining and engorged. I cupped my hand under her ass, which forced my fingers deeper inside and that's when it happened. Her entire body shut down and froze rigid and then she started to shake as orgasm overtook her. I kept working her to give her maximum pleasure while she rode it out. When she'd collapsed I freed my fingers from her wetness and pulled her underwear up and then her jeans before laying down next to her.

"You're even gorgeous when you come," I spoke softly into the damp hair above her ear.

"It's _your_ birthday, yet _I'm_ the one who got a present," she giggled.

"I beg to differ," I winked, shifting on my side to adjust the strain in my pants. I brought my two fingers to my mouth and stuck them inside so I could taste her. Her eyes widened as she watched me replace the wetness of her insides with the wetness of mine. Then her brow furrowed. She must have noticed the pain my hard-on was causing me.

I shrugged it off. "Guess you'll have to excuse me again." I jumped off the bed. She leaned up on her elbows and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, her eyes still focused on my significant bulge.

"What?" I asked, curious to know what was going on in that beautiful head of hers.

She mimicked my shrug. "It's only fair," she replied, the fog of lust clouding her delicious brown eyes.

"Bella? What are you saying? You don't have to do anything just because I did. What happened just now...I didn't do it so you'd reciprocate."

It was my worst nightmare for her to think she owned me something. "I don't care about a present," I continued. "I meant what I said."

She ignored my words and stood to move towards me, her gaze still focused on my crotch like she'd discovered gold.

"What makes you think I don't want to do it? It's been pressed into my side for an hour. ...The least you could do is let me see it."

"You want to..._see it?_"

She nodded.

"...You're sure?"

She nodded. "It's not gonna bite me, is it?"

"Uhh, I don't know." I was only half-kidding. I was worked up beyond belief. There was no telling what would happen once my cock was unleashed. "It might," I winked and Bella laughed. The sound of her laugh calmed me, it let me know she wasn't feeling pressured or uncomfortable. Anything that happened tonight was not because I'd forced myself on her. I needed to be sure of that.

"OK." My fingers went to undo my belt buckle but she put her hands out to stop me.

"No. Let me do it."

I took a deep breath and dropped my arms to my side. Once she'd freed the belt from the buckle she let it hang while she undid the button and zipper of my jeans. This wasn't happening. What_ was_ happening? She wasn't drunk. Neither was I. I'd had one beer three hours ago. I could take complete confidence in the fact that alcohol played no part in what was currently...um...unfolding.

She pushed my jeans til they were halfway down my ass, exposing the waistband of my boxers. She hesitated, chewing on the inside of her mouth, she looked up at me and smiled demurely. "I'm going in," she said with a grin and I couldn't help but laugh out loud. She was so silly sometimes and it warmed me up inside.

"I'm ready," I said with a confident nod. But I wasn't. Bella stuck her hand in my boxers and wrapped her hand around my hard cock and there was no way I could have been ready for that. She slowly, so fucking slow like she was memorizing my junk, began working her way up and down the length of my shaft, feeling all of me in the palm of her hand. I moaned loud and I didn't care. The feeling was incredible. My knees began to shake. When she reached the top of my cock she rubbed her thumb over the tip soaked with pre-cum. She slid her thumb through the wetness and I groaned when she brought that same thumb to her lips to taste me.

"Mm. I wonder if we taste the same," she mused, her thumb still sliding over the tip of her tongue. "Some other time."

I didn't have an opportunity to formulate a response because her hand was back around my aching shaft and I was seeing stars.

"Bella, I'm not going to be able to stand much longer if you keep doing what you're doing."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Fuck no! ...Um...I mean no, please don't stop...if you wouldn't mind. Ok don't _ever_ stop. It's...ugh...it feels so fucking good, Bella, I can't lie."

"I know you can't," she whispered. "That's the problem."

I wanted to ask her what she meant by that but there was no way in hell I was going to distract her and no way I could form a coherent sentence. With her hand still around my dick, we made our way back to the bed. We reversed positions. She pushed me on my back and laid next to me.

"Should I go faster?" she asked. Cum was leaking down my shaft and over her hand. She was using it as lubrication as she worked me.

"I don't, ugh Bella, it's so good, just, oh god just do whatever you want," I groaned. I draped my arm over my eyes. Now I knew how Bella felt, why she didn't want to come, why she didn't want it to end. It felt so motherfucking good. Her tiny hand was powerful. Her grip on my cock was tight enough where the friction it caused as she rubbed my shaft was going to make me come in record time. I wanted to last longer.

"Edward, look at me. Let me see your eyes." I did as she asked and took my arm away. I strained my ab muscles to lift my head so I could see her hand around my cock. She was hovering over me. I could see down her shirt to her tits that were popping out of a black lace bra. She let go off my dick and ran her hand up my torso.

"Take your shirt off," she said as she began to undo the buttons.

"Huh?" I wasn't sure I heard that correctly.

"Take your shirt off," she repeated. I sat up and pulled the dress shirt off my arms. I had a white v-neck underneath.

"That one too," she ordered. I grabbed the hem and pulled it over my head, tossing it to the floor. She ran her hands over my chest and abs in awe. When she reached my hips she found my erection waiting and resumed stroking. I moaned at the returned sensation. while she pumped my cock she kissed trails over my ribs and when she got to my hardened nipples she traced them with the tip of her tongue. That did it.

"Bella, I'm going to come," I warned her. If she wanted to let go, now would be the time. I didn't want to soak her if she wasn't into that kinda thing. But she didn't move. She kept pumping my cock til I thought I'd pass out. And then I came; hard and with a grunt, I shot my load in her hand and onto my chest. She slowed her strokes until my penis was flaccid in her hand, and even then she was reluctant to let me go.

"That was...wow," I panted. My mouth was so dry I could hardly speak. "You didn't have to do that, but holy fuck I'm glad you did."

"Was it good?" she blushed, brushing her hair from her face.

"Are you kidding? It was incredible. You sure you're not a pro or something? Do you have a membership card to a gym where you practice that shit? Cuz damn."

"You're so weird," she laughed. "I've never done that before."

"Yeah right."

"I'm serious."

"...Wow. Well I'm impressed."

"Have you, uh, had many of those?"

"Hand jobs? Yeah, I've had a few that weren't my own," I joked. "But that was by far the best."

It was apparent by the perma-blush on Bella's cheeks that sex wasn't something she had much experience in.

I moved to get off the bed. "I should clean myself up." But before I did I cupped my hand under her chin and kissed her sweetly on her full lips. "Thank you again for that."

"I _have_ given a blow job though," she called after me. "In case you were wondering."

Aaaand my erection was back.

...

"So did you get anything good for your birthday?" Bella asked after I'd returned from the bathroom all fresh and clean. I crawled back on the bed and nestled in next to her.

"Yeah. I got a car."

"You got a _car_ for your _twenty-sixth_ birthday?" she screeched.

"Well, we all did. My dad decided to trade all our cars in for 2011 models. It's what he does when he gets bored."

"So all the ones in the driveway?"

"Yep. They're being replaced."

"With what?"

"My mom got a Jag SJ for her birthday...which isn't until next April but he needed an excuse. The Hummer's being traded in for a Ford F-150 Raptor. It's pretty sick. ...Umm, what else...oh yeah, his Benz is being replaced with the SLS AMG fully loaded model. You climb in through a hatch like a fucking pilot. Mom said it's his mid-life-crisis-mobile, so just to spite her he also bought a 2010 Aston Martin Rapide so she could fantasize that she was sleeping with James Bond."

"And you? No more Volvo?"

"Nope. As of tomorrow I will be the proud owner of a silver Audi A8. Dad said it was about time I drove a four-door luxury car. Eh. Whatever makes him happy, right?" Edward smiled reluctantly. "...Anyway, enough about that stuff. It makes me sound like an entitled snob."

"No it doesn't. You're anything but snobby. Shit I bet if any of your Harvard friends knew you were hanging out with someone like me they'd have an intervention."

"What do you mean, someone like you? Bella, you are -" And just as I was about to say more than I should, my cell phone rang on my bedside table. Bella leaned over to grab it for me, and on the screen the caller ID blinked..._Tanya_.

Bella's face fell and she put on a fake smile as she handed me the phone. I looked at the screen.

_Fuck._

"I don't have to get it," I said, about to stuff the phone in my pocket.

"You should."

"She probably just wants to wish me a happy birthday."

"Then you should _answer it_, Edward. I should get going anyway. It's late." She moved to get off the bed and I put my hand on her leg to stop her.

"I don't want to end it like this, Bella. Please. Tonight was so great."

"Are you going to tell her how great it was?"

"Do you want me to? I will if you want me to."

She didn't answer.

"Just stay, ok? I'll answer this and be right back. Please stay for five more minutes."

I took Tanya's call out on the balcony.

"Hullo?"

"_Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday, dear Eddie!_" she sang. I turned to face the night sky with a smile while she sang to me. I knew she was going to do this. Tanya loved to sing. She sang in the shower and around the house and while she was cooking and doing the dishes, under her breath and out loud when she thought no one was looking.

"Thank you, Tan," I said, bracing my hands on the railing.

"I miss you, Eddie. I wish I could be there with you. I tried to find a flight but everything's booked last minute. Is everyone being extra special nice to you today? They better be!"

"They are, Tan, they really are. Alice and Rosalie went overboard as expected and my mom cooked the weirdest things – stuffed grapes and hummus? She's insane. It was incredible," I laughed.

"I'm so glad. I can't wait to see you. When are you coming back to sign the lease? I want to start decorating!"

"In a few weeks, I think. I have to go to Northwestern with my father first." Shit, that reminded me – I hadn't told Bella about Northwestern. I was leaving in a week and I'd be gone just as long. Part of me wondered if she'd like to come along, but the other part of me didn't have the balls to ask her.

"You sound different, Eddie. Is everything ok? You're not sad that you're a year older are you?" she teased. "Twenty-six isn't old."

Turning my back on the view from my balcony, I saw Bella strolling around my room, checking out the photos on my wall and the books on my shelves. There wasn't much there – only a small fraction of what once was; I'd taken most of my things to Boston. But watching Bella move, my heart skipped a beat. She was calm and unhurried, yet I thought I could hear her heartbeat thrumming in her chest like a hummingbird. Her long brown hair cascaded down her back in thick waves. Her hips swayed erotically with each step she took and I was lost in her walk, in those low-slung jeans, in the span of her slender back, in the memory of what we just did -

"Eddie?" Tanya asked with concern in her voice.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, everything's fine, Tan. The fam wore me out, that's all." God I was such a disgusting liar.

Yeah, I guess Tanya was my girlfriend, even though I never called her that or referred to her in that way to anyone. And I'd never heard _her_ call _me_ her boyfriend either. Yet somehow we'd ended up in this weird spiral of a relationship where every time we showed up at the same place – a house party, a group study session - we were there "together". And suddenly people – her friends and mine – were saying our names as one. "Let's invite Edward and Tanya to dinner." "How did Edward and Tanya do on their finals?" It just happened. One morning I woke up in my bed in my apartment near campus and she was laying next to me and the next day she was there again and cooking me breakfast and we were going to the movies and to dinner and she was giving head and climbing on top of me and fucking me on a daily basis. She constantly wanted to please me. She'd do anything for me. She'd let me do anything to her, and I had. I'd fucked her in every opening and she begged me for it again and again. What twenty-something guy wouldn't want a pretty young blond riding his cock every night and dropping to her knees in the shower every morning?

But that was before I met Bella Swan. That was before I knew such a woman as her existed. And now my mind was a complete fucking minefield. It raced in circles all day long. In meetings with my father and his colleagues I couldn't concentrate on anything but my relationship with Bella. What did it all mean? What were we? Were we more than friends? Did she want to be more? I didn't give a shit about my residency – I knew I had that on lockdown – I was going to rule the Beth Israel Medical Center. These meetings were a waste of my time. My GPA spoke for itself. The real problem was five foot four, one hundred and ten pounds soaking wet, recently widowed and pregnant, and it was all I could think about. There was no meeting that would help me figure that problem out.

I hung up with Tanya, promising to call her tomorrow. I think she told me she loved me as we hung up but I was too busy racing back to my room to be sure. Bella was sitting at the edge of my bed flipping through an art book of Chuck Close paintings.

"How'd that go?" She didn't look up as she spoke.

"Fine."

"I should go." She closed the book and placed it on the bed beside her. My stomach fell and I wanted to drop to her feet and beg her to stay. I wanted to touch her again and hear her call out my name. I wanted to erase the last ten minutes and replace them with new minutes filled with _her_ voice and _her_ face.

But I didn't say or do any of that. Instead I said the worst possible thing.

"Alright. I'll walk you out."


	13. My body is a cage

**BPOV**

On my lunch break at Newtons's and I sat watching the children play in the park across the street while I waited for Alice.

But what I was _really_ doing was thinking about _him_.

It's all I ever did these days.

And while I watched the children on the playground running in circles, chasing each other and laughing and sliding down the bumpy slide, I tried to pick out the one that was mine. Would it be the blonde-haired little girl in the polka dot dress or the little boy in the blue jean overalls she was chasing? Carefree and squealing they ran with endless energy for a life that was just beginning. And me, the single mother, sat on the park bench and watched. And thought.

He let me go. _Edward_. He could have stopped me. He could have grabbed me by the arm and swung me around. He could have asked me to stay. I would have. I would have stayed. But he didn't ask. In-fucking-fact, he _walked_ me to his front door. I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to slap his face as I left. But I couldn't. And now I knew why.

I could never cause him pain.

_Eddie._ I heard her call him Eddie. He doesn't know I heard, but how could I not? She..._Tanya_...had one of those persistent voices that carried, even on the phone, even from the balcony where Edward stood while she sang to him. She fucking _sang _to him. Like Marilyn-fucking-Monroe. It took every fiber of my composure not to run from the room in hysterics. Not because she sang. Not because her singing voice was pretty. But because of something far worse. It made Edward smile. He turned away but I had already seen it. The gorgeous upturn of his mouth and the wrinkles it brought to the corners of his eyes. She made him smile. And I knew it wasn't the first time that she had. She probably made him laugh all the time. The laugh where his entire face lights up as he tries to wrap his head around the hilarity of what he just heard come out of your...my..._her_...mouth. Tanya's smart. And funny. And no doubt gorgeous.

And then there's me. What was I _doing_ in his life? I didn't belong in it. And it became clearer and clearer to me as the conversation between them continued. At one point I had to get up and walk around his room to compose myself, to wipe the tears from under my eyes. But my fingers smelled like him, and I was forced to remember what we had done only moments prior. He had been inside me. He had felt me in places no man has ever felt and with such controlled aggression, such passion and skill that it sent me over the precipice more times than I'd admitted to him. And then I'd touched him in a way I hadn't touched a man before. I'd given him that virginity and in return he took a phone call from his girlfriend. I had to leave. Nothing he could say would make it better. Or change it. She told him she loved him as he hung up the phone and even though he didn't return the sentiment, the fact that she said it meant that she'd most likely said it before. It meant that she was there, their relationship was there. It was at the point where one of the participants begins to declare their most basic and powerful of emotions. She had gotten there first, it seemed, but Edward would be next. He'd return the sentiment and they'd love each other. Maybe not with the same intensity, but it would be enough. It would be more than I had.

Before the tears of wallowing self-pity had a chance to show themselves, Alice trotted across the grass and plopped down next to me.

"Hey pretty girl," she sang giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey yourself, hot stuff. That's a great dress. A little tight though, ya think?"

"I'm seeing my Jazzy later. He loooves my ass in this dress." She threw her head back and laughed. It must be so easy being Alice. I envied the way she navigated her way through her life. She hadn't had it easy growing up – her parents died one after the other in the span of one year and she had to struggle to pay the mortgage on the house they left her - but even the hard stuff didn't take her down. She rarely cried and she never blushed. She wasn't always confident, mind you, but you'd never know it. She never let it show. Somehow, and I wish I knew her secret, she could stuff it all down and only give you what she wanted you to have. It was a gift and only those who knew her well, like me, could tell the difference.

"Oh Bella, I hope you're not angry with me."

"Angry with you? For what?"

"For not telling you about Paris sooner. I didn't want to upset you. I know you're going through a lot right now and I said I'd always be there for you. And I still will...just not as close. Oh honey I'm so sorry I'm leaving you, I feel so terrible, this came at such an inconvenient time." She wrapped her arms around me. She smelled amazing, like berries.

"Alice stoppit. It came at the perfect time...for _you_. Which is how it should be. You can't put your life on hold for me. And you can't plan for opportunities. They come when they come and you have to take them."

She cocked her pixie head to the side and glared at me through her perfectly mascaraed eye-lashes.

"Wow Bella. That's really good advice. You should take it sometime."

"Do I detect a hint of Mary Alice Brandon's trademarked brand of sarcasm?"

"You should cuz I'm putting it out there like Old Faithful."

"Uh huh. And what are you getting at?"

"I think you know." She crossed her stockinged legs and glared at me harder. "He's about six one; one hundred and sixty-five pounds of luscious man-meat and he's head over heels for you-"

"So is his girlfriend. Trust me, she's got it baaad." I rolled my eyes and wished I had a cigarette.

"Ugggh, you're such a downer," Alice pouted. "Take care of her and make him yours."

"Take care of her? Who are you, Tony Soprano?"

"Carmela, maybe. I mean get her out of the picture."

"How the hell do I do that? Look at me. Look at this belly. She doesn't have this belly I can tell you that much. I saw a photo of her in Edward's room. She's hot. And skinny."

"And yet he wants _you_. That's very interesting, don't you think? God it only adds to his sexiness if you ask me," she sighed, her head no doubt filled with the perviest of pervy thoughts.

"Anyways, you'll have plenty of time to hang out with Edward all by your lonesome for the rest of the summer. Jasper got leave from the restaurant and is coming to Paris with me! He lined up a gig at this posh eatery on the Seine. Can you just imagine how delicious he's going to look in France?" she swooned.

"What about Emmett?"

"Awww poor Emmy," she frowned. "He can't leave the shop right away. It's _McCarty_ Motor's. Doesn't work without the McCarty. But he'll fly out for a week here and there when the jobs slow down. Promise me you'll take care of him? Rose will never admit it, but she's absolutely devastated to be leaving him behind. She acts tough but good old Emmy-poo has wormed his way into the soft spot of her heart and set up permanent residence there."

"Ha, yeah, no worries I'll look in on him. I'm sure my truck will need work, like, _all_ the time."

"I'm surprised that artifact is still running. It's gotta be a death trap, darling. Why don't you let Edward drive you around? I'm sure he'd love that," she nudged me with her elbow.

"We're not like that," I answered curtly, trying like hell to shut down the conversation before it started.

"Like _what_ exactly? I saw the two of you at his party the other night. Don't think your little PDA-display and subsequent disappearance went unnoticed."

"Shit, really?"

"Bella Bella Bella," she tsked. "We _all_ saw you two kissing like one of you was about to go to the electric chair. It was hot," she winked seductively. "Soooo? Did the hotness continue into the bedroom? Hmmm?"

"Anything that could have been deemed _hot_ was extinguished when his girlfriend called," I deflected.

"I thought you didn't _care _that he had a girlfriend? I thought you guys were just friends with these weird random benefits that I don't quite understand. I BET it started when you guys went to Seattle, didn't it? I knew it! You're so secretive, Bella Marie!"

"I am not," I grumbled, looking away.

"Yes you are! I asked you when you got back if anything happened and you said NO."

"That's because _nothing_ is _exactly_ what happened in Seattle," I snipped at her. "It sort of started happening...um...the night we went to Port Angeles." _  
_

"Shut up! I had a feeling! You total _slut!_ He came over after I dropped you off and you slept with him, didn't you? You totally did. Oh my god, he was amazing, right? It's the Cullen Cock, I'm telling you. Jasper's is -"

"ALICE." I put my hand up, feigning revulsion. "I didn't sleep with him."

"You _didn't?_ How'd you stop yourself?"

"Stop myself? We didn't start. There was nothing to stop. He stayed over and we went to sleep."

"Hold the fucking phone! He _slept over_? How come this is the first I'm hearing about this?"

"Alice, you were in Seattle. With Rosalie. At the store. Having a life of your own."

"I woulda been back in a second if I knew all this juicyness was going on."

"There's no juicyness, Al. Trust me."

"Arrgh!" Apparently that was Miss Alice's last straw because she jumped up and stood in front of me with her finger in my face.

"Why are you pushing him away? It's completely obvious that you're into him! He likes you, Bella. Jasper's even told me. The little bit he and Edward talked at the party, he could already tell that Mister Man was falling for you big time. Now what the hell's your problem?"

"Step outside of your idyllic little dreamland for a moment, will you please? Where everything's so simple, and look at the facts. _Facts_, Alice. Edward's here right now, sure, and it's great. Really great. But soon he'll be gone. Summer will end and he'll go back to Boston to start his residency. Back to her. And I'll still be here. In fucking Forks where nothing happens. Working at Newton's. With a newborn baby. A baby that's not his. ...Why would I start something with him that has no hope of a future? Someone will end up getting hurt and I'm 99% positive that that someone will be _me_. ...I've had enough hurt to last a lifetime, Al. I don't want anymore hurt."

"Wulll...what if he breaks up with her and you guys can do the long-distance relationship thing or you could move out there-"

"Will you listen to yourself!" I laughed, stunned by her perpetual state of head-in-the-clouds. "That would be _beyond_ selfish of me. To have him break up with his girlfriend – who also goes to fucking _Harvard_, let's not forget, so yeah I'd say she's pretty smart with a bright future. So let me move out there, disrupt his life with my jobless self, OH! and my newborn baby that he can help me take care of and that can keep him up all night in case he's not sleep-deprived enough from working at a _hospital_. And I can bring my whole dysfunctional life to his doorstep and expect him to welcome me with open arms. ...Do you honestly think any of this would sound appealing to him?"

"Ok ok forget I said anything. Geez. I just want you to be happy. I want to see that look on your face."

"What look?"

"The look you get whenever he's around."

"I...I get _a look_?" Heat swept across my face as if I'd just been slapped with the realization that my internal emotions, conflicted as they may be, were worn on my sleeve and written across my face.

"Either that or it's indigestion," Alice teased and a laugh erupted from my throat. It caught me off guard and I hiccuped to tears in response.

"Oh I'm gonna miss you so much, Al. Who am I gonna get to force me to talk about things?" I laughed through the tears. "I should probably tell you that when we went up to Edward's room the night of the party...we...sort of...well...it wasn't planned, it just happened, but...we got each other off." My face seared hotter at the admission. Alice sprang to life and jumped in place like a happy puppy waiting for a treat.

"Dish it, girl! I want every messy detail! You know I live for this shit!"

"Yeah I thought you'd like that," I laughed out loud. "...Well we used our hands. Edward's got very skillful fingers. And I wasn't so bad myself. He came pretty quickly."

"Oh man that sounds amazing." She sat back down and was really thinking about what I'd just told her. "I bet he's been wanting to do something like that with you for ages. Was he all panting and sweaty? Does he have a big dick?"

"Uh huh. It's pretty massive. I was intimidated at first but he kept making these awesome sounds while I stroked him, low and soft and then he was holding his breath for awhile-"

"So he wouldn't come too fast. Jasper does that too. It's so sweet. They don't want it to be over. ...Wow. Well I'm glad you got a little bit of action," she grinned.

"Yeah but then I started acting all strange when Tanya called."

"She _called_?"

I nodded. "Right after we finished. Perfect timing, right? To wish him a happy birthday. I think they're moving in together when he goes back to Boston." I put my face in my hands. "Oh _god_ why do I care so much? I don't know what I'm doing, Alice. This is all such a fucking mess. Sometimes I think it might actually work between us. Maybe I could be all that he wants and needs and deserves. Maybe he'd even be _happy_ with me. Then there's other times when I think I'm the worst possible thing for him; that he should get on with his high profile life, marry a high profile wife and be a successful Harvard educated doctor. Who am I to drag him down? I'm nobody. ...Shit. Just when I think I have my head on straight and my priorities in order-"

"And what are your priorities?"

"The baby, of course. Unfortunately I have no idea what to do when he or she arrives but I I'll worry about that later. And then work, I guess. Mike made me assistant manager at the store."

"Bella that's great!"

"It's the most mundane job ever but really need the money," I shrugged. "I can't expect Charlie to take care of me and the baby financially. I can't live with him forever either but I'll never be able to afford a decent place of my own."

"It will work out, sweetie. I know that's a horrible thing to say right now because it feels like everything is pushing down on you, but it's true. You're strong and brave and you will get through this."

"It's not just that." A lump started to build in my throat and my composure was faltering. Alice could tell there was something else I needed to get off my chest and she scooped my hand up in hers.

"I miss Jake." I smiled weakly through watery eyes, embarrassed to be behaving this way in a public place, but fuck it, I couldn't control where and when the emotions came out.

"Of course you do, Bella." She put a consoling arm around me and squeezed my shoulder.

"He was just Jake, y'know," I sniffled. "He took care of everything. If the sink was leaking, he'd fix it. If we needed sugar or milk, he'd go out and get it. If my car broke down, he was there to drive me. He made me laugh until my sides hurt. When there was a scary noise downstairs, he'd go and check it out. And I took care of him too. I fed him when he was hungry and made sure he lived in a nice clean house. I was by his side when we went out with friends. ...I had that relationship down. I always knew what to do, what to say. I could time his reactions down to the second. I knew what his answers would be before he said them. It was easy. Now everything's a fucking _mess_. I don't know how to do this stuff. I don't know how to express myself."

"You'll learn. It's going to take time."

"I don't have time! He's leaving in two months!"

"That's plenty of time. Use it wisely. But honey, remember, you know yourself better than anyone. Only _you_ can decide when the time is right for you to start again. Why don't you talk to Edward about it? He'll understand."

"I don't want to keep beating a dead horse, Alice. How many times does he need to hear my drama? ...Hi Edward. In case you haven't heard, my husband just died and I'm pregnant with his baby. It's rendered me an emotionally unstable wreck, yet oddly enough I'm having these intense feelings and pornographic thoughts about you, like, _all_ the time. Funny, huh? Isn't that hilarious? Wanna hang out again so I can fuck with your head some more? ...Uh, no thanks Bella. Come to think of it, I've got enough problems of my own without having to deal with a head case like you. See ya. Bye." I crossed my arms at my chest and glared at Alice with a snarky eyebrow raise. "Sound about right?"

"Oh, Bella. You're so dramatic," Alice chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Maybe you should take an acting class."

...

"You ready to lock up, Miss Assistant Manager?" Mike Newton cooed, dangling the keys in front of my face.

"Nice antler keychain, Mike," I laughed, taking them out of his hand. "Yeah I'm ready. I'll be fine, don't worry. Have fun tonight."

"Thanks. You should stop by after you close up." He looked so hopeful, I hated to let him down, but the last thing I wanted to do was hang out at a bowling alley and not even play. I'd much rather go home and sulk alone in my room like a grown-up.

"Oh, uh, I can't..."

"Plans with Cullen? I should have guessed," he sneered and the words cut me like a knife. "Anyway," he sighed, quickly moving on from the subject of Edward, thank god. "If we win we go to the semi-finals," he grinned proudly. "Archie's Anglers are a tough team though. They've been division champs for three years straight."

"Wow. I didn't know bowling could be so competitive."

"Oh you have no idea. This one time-"

I pretended to listen while Mike droned on and on about the time something got out of hand with pins and a hand dryer. I laughed when I thought I should and he seemed satisfied with that. He left reluctantly and only because he was team captain, leaving me with an hour to go before the shop closed for the night. I straightened the magazine rack, folded a table of sweatshirts with various deer breeds silkscreened across the front, and put back the boxes of rainboots Mr. Stanley had tried on for an hour before he finally found his size. The clock above the register chirped the call of the Washington State bird signaling that it was 9:30pm. I grabbed my bag and shut the outside and interior lights. The solar running lights lining the walkway glowed to life and I locked the front door behind me. It was chilly out for June but I wasn't in Phoenix anymore. This was Forks. This was another planet.

My ugly white running sneakers (part of the Newton's uniform) scrunched against the gravel on my way out to the truck. Sounds of the night flittered all around me and I jumped in my skin more than once as I hurried across the parking lot. I was still getting used to having woods all around me and the different noises that came out of the rustling trees and down from the cawwing sky.

The Chevy door squeaked open and I hopped into the cab and shut myself inside. I fumbled through my bag for my keys and started her up. ...but nothing happened. I pressed down on the clutch, turned the ignition but the engine wouldn't turn over. I tried again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Was I doing something wrong? Driving a standard was new to me but Charlie said I got the hang of it with no problem. This had never happened before. I took a deep breath and tried not to panic. I was going to have to call someone. It was dark. There was no one around. A list of people scrolled through my head.

_Mike._

No way. Sure he'd come running in a second. He'd leave his entire team standing around in their bowling shoes to come help me, but then I'd never hear the end of it. I would feel like I owed him something in return for helping me.

_Charlie._

He'd been swamped at the precinct lately; covering shifts for some of his top officers that were out on vacation or leave. I didn't want to worry him.

_Alice._

Yes! I could call Alice. She'd save me. She wouldn't know what to do once she got here, but we could call a tow truck. At least I wouldn't be sitting in this truck all alone and shivering.

I dialed her number. She picked up on the third ring but I could barely hear her over the pounding bass in the background.

"Alice? Where the fuck are you?"

"I'm at a party for one of Jazzy's co-workers! It's so loud honey I can hardly hear you! Are you ok?"

"I'm at work! My car won't start!" I yelled into the phone.

"Oh shit! Did you call your dad? You should call Emmett! Do you have his number? He has a tow truck at his garage. NO! You should call _EDWARD_!" she shrieked. "That would be perfect! The damsel in distress! Oh my god I_ love it!"_

I hadn't spoken to Edward since the night I ran out of his house with a stanky attitude that he didn't deserve. In those three days since my diva behavior I'd checked my phone for non-existent messages or missed calls a minimum of fifty times. I'd been mad but I was over it.

He was still at the top of my list.

Five rings in and I was about to hang up. It would go to his voicemail soon and I didn't have the guts to leave a message. He'd see a missed call. Maybe he'd call me back. Maybe not. I had no fucking idea. Maybe he'd already cashed in his loses. There was nothing more annoying than a pregnant widow playing hard to get.

"Bella?" The verbalization of my name had never sounded more exquisite and I said a quiet thank you to the gods.

"Are you alright?" He was panting the words out between labored breaths. _Shit_. I'd interrupted him doing something. Doing some_one_?

"Um, hi. ...Is this a bad time?" I asked tentatively, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

"No, not at all, is something wrong?"

"...You sure? You sound out of breath."

"I just got off the treadmill and was headed to the shower. It's fine though."

"Oh ok it's no big deal. You're probably all sweaty and...I'll uh, I'll talk to you another time or-"

"_Bella._ It's fine. I'm glad you called. It's nice to hear your voice."

"Really?" A wave of heat mix with a rush of cold sweat pulsed through me.

"Yes," he said softly and I could hear the smile in his voice. "Really."

"Oh," I blushed furiously. "Thanks. And, same here. Your voice, I mean."

He laughed gently and I somersaulted in my seat. "Where are you?"

"At work," I sighed deeply. "Well, in the parking lot to be specific. Sitting in my stupid truck. It won't start. I've tried a million times but it keeps making this horrid noise. I don't know what's wrong with it-"

"Bella-" he cut me off. "Go inside. Quickly. Lock yourself in the store. I'll be right there."

"Ok."

"Wait for me. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Say it."

"I'll wait for you."


	14. Ghosts and lovers

Multiple POV's in this chapter. I'm finding it necessary to hear more from Edward.

Please review. That'd be great :)

* * *

Ghosts and lovers,

they will haunt you,

for awhile

-marissa nadler

**BPOV**

Fifteen minutes passed and I heard the screech of tires against gravel. The slam of a door. More hurried steps and gravel crunching. I locked myself inside like he told me to and kept the lights off, kept my face to the window on the lookout for his car. I watched him stride to the front door and rap on it three times in time with my speeding pulse.

He's so fucking tall. Not abnormal basketball player tall. Not turn-off tall. No. He's...ideal. The most ideal height for a man no matter what height the girl. He's a full head taller than me and I wanted to hug him and cuddle into him and press my face into his broad, sweaty chest.

He hadn't showered. I knew it before I let him in. He looked me up and down as soon as he saw me and I wanted to be a bear so I could eat him alive. There was no dissociation between the evergreens and his eyes. They both held the power of nature inside them.

"Are you alright? Are you hurt?" His first words and they were dripping with meaning.

"Hurt? Why would I be hurt?"

He paced around the store even though it was dark and I could barely see. I followed a few feet behind him but no closer.

"Edward you're scaring me."

He was. I'd never seen that look in his eyes before. His whole eye, both of them, consumed in this...worry?...it was above concern...mixed with panic.

And he was standing in front of me again by the rack of duck calls.

"I'm sorry," he said. And the fire burned lower. Another step towards me. "You shouldn't be alone in this store. At night. You never know what could happen. A girl...a woman, all alone out here in the woods," he shook his head to repel the thought. "It's too dangerous. ...Fucking Newton," he growled.

"_Everything_ is woods out here, Edward," I laughed. "The whole fucking state is one giant tree."

He smiled a little and his shoulders seemed to relax. His hand went to his damp hair and combed through the long bangs. Hm. Now what?

"Is that what you wear when you work out?" I asked, my thumbnail going between my front teeth.

The crease between his eyes deepened. "Is something wrong with it?"

Hmm, let's see...something wrong with Edward in running shorts? – the light ones with the netting on the inside. I knew cuz we carried them at Newton's. They held all your man-_parts_ in place. And a fitted Nike running shirt made out of that special sweat-absorbent material crap they used on the space shuttle. Umm, no, nothing wrong with any of that _or_ with the beads of sweat drying along the curves of his forearms and calves.

I pondered asking him if he'd like to change into something more...dry, but he was heading to the door.

"Ready to go?"

I grabbed my bag off the counter. "Sure. Thanks for coming to get me."

He didn't say 'you're welcome'. He just smiled and held the door open. And when we walked through the parking lot his eyes were everywhere. The shadows, the sky, the ground, behind us.

"There's nothing out here, Edward. ...is there? You're freaking me out. Bad enough all these fucking random animal noises are like _everywhere_ all the time..."

He apologized again and unlocked the passenger side door for me. "I didn't mean to freak you out. I just feel...I don't know...when I heard your voice and you said where you were, I immediately thought the worst."

It was sweet. _He_ was sweet. Too sweet. Sick children and grandma's deserved him. I didn't. They were the ones who did.

I put my seatbelt on. So did he. The interior of his new Audi was black leather and spotless.

"You can't watch me every minute, y'know."

"I try."

...Huh? He started her up. She revved like a dream. Edward drove her like one.

"What do you mean, you try? ...You _watch_ me?"

There's no going back on that one, pal. My intestines twitched. He said it. I heard him. Damn this center console.

"I sometimes," he paused at a stop sign. "I sometimes drive by your house to make sure you're home safe...and...sometimes I'll go home this way to see if your piece of shit truck-"

"Lay off," I protested, but I couldn't really. Not when she was currently sitting stalled out in Newton's parking lot.

"Don't get the wrong idea, ok? I'm not a stalker."

"Buuut following me around _is_ kinda stalkerish, don't you think?" I teased. I should have known he'd take it to heart.

"You're right. It's...it was stupid. I'll stop."

Shit. He's flustered now. Fix it, Bella.

"...you don't have to."

He smiled out the window, I only caught a glimpse of it out of my peripheral but it was there. And a sigh came next. Another deep one. He must be tired.

"God, Bella. This is so hard for me. You have no idea. I wish I knew you better."

I didn't know what to say to that. I could say a million profound things, things that might stimulate a heartfelt discussion of our fucked up reality. But instead I said something stupid.

"You know me well enough."

Oh GOD. That was bad. Even something vague like 'WHY?' would have been better than that awful response. He should just pull over and toss me the fuck out of his car. Or better, toss me out while it's still moving. That's the kind of shit a question like that deserved.

"I do, huh?" was his curt answer. His hands gripped the wheel and his knuckles turned white. He was staring straight ahead and there was blistering silence. I didn't say anything more. I didn't know how to fix this.

Trees whizzed by. And more trees. And signs. And silence.

"You're winning so far, y'know." I said finally. Fumbling with the strap of my bag wasn't giving me any bright ideas at conversation starters.

"Winning what, Bella?" Edward snorted in annoyance. "What could I possibly be winning? I'd love to know, because I sure don't feel like a winner."

I was determined to talk, to make something of this car ride. If it was going to be our last I wouldn't let it end like this.

"You apologized twice tonight. And I haven't apologized at all."

"What do you have to be sorry for?" He was being sincere, I think.

"For my behavior the other night. The night of your party."

"I know what night you're talking about," he cut. Ouch. Ok I deserved that barb.

"Yeah, well," I twirled my fingers in my lap. I was embarrassed now. The awesome 'I'm sorry' speech I'd prepared while I waited for him in the store now seemed trite and downright lametastic.

"I shouldn't have reacted that way. The way I did. When you got off the phone with Tanya. When I got all...weird. And left. I shouldn't have done that. You had every right to talk to her. You had every right to smile at what she said to you. You had every right to be happy that she called. ...Were you? Happy that she called?"

His head was spinning, it had to be. He was trying to drive and I was talking a mile a minute. It was like dodging paint balls. Did I really expect him to follow along? How much longer could I keep blaming hormones for the unfiltered shit that came out of my mouth?

"Was I happy Tanya called," he repeated with a sigh. Ok he'd caught up. We were approaching the road that led to the turn that led to my road and I started screaming in my head. Loud. _NOOO! Slow down! We're getting there too fast! Too soon! More time!_

"I wish she had called at a different time. How's that?" Edward answered without turning to look at me. He tended to do that a lot – look at me while he talked and while I talked and while he should be concentrating on the road. But he wasn't doing that now. This time I wished he was.

"She called to wish me a happy birthday. If it was her birthday, I would have called to wish her one as well. That's the truth. ...You want more truth?"

A look in the rear view mirror and a blinker. I was going to cry if he didn't finish.

He made the turn and was talking again.

"I didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to talk to _you_. I wanted to talk to you all night long and into the morning and the whole next day and the day after that and all day yesterday and instead of going on the treadmill tonight and right up to the exact moment you called an hour ago."

My house was coming into view. Edward saw it too and put his foot on the break, but he didn't pull in the driveway. He drove right passed it and continued around the bend. I didn't say a word.

"These past few days," he shook his head, looking for the words to a sentence he'd started endless times. "I don't know how they've been for you but-"

"Shitty." There's some truth for ya. Edward chuckled. Fuck me, that glorious version of his laugh makes everything glow. The hairs on my arm stood up.

"Yeah. Same here." And then the timid smile turned into a look of pain.

"Bella, I don't want to do this anymore."

Uh oh. He was breaking up with me. Right? Isn't that what was happening? I'd never been broken up with before. I married my first boyfriend. But I'd seen it happen to other people a bunch of times – shit I'd seen it happen to my parents - and I'd always been so happy that it wasn't happening to me. Cuz they always looked so fucking _devastated_. Before. During. And after.

And this must be how it felt.

"You," I gulped. "You don't want to be friends anymore?"

"No."

And it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. Not Jake hurt. That hurt ripped straight through and down. That was loss. This wasn't loss. This, whatever this was with Edward, was too new to be lost. This was disappointment. And fear. Fear that I'd never be normal again. Fear that what I was feeling for Edward wasn't allowed, wasn't ok, wasn't supposed to happen to me. My life was stuck on pause, frozen in time the moment Jake died. The Jake hurt was still seeping, and it probably always would. The Edward hurt was different – new. I thought I'd felt all the different types of hurt that existed in the world – the break up of the family unit, the death of a spouse, the rejection of friends, the fatherless child still growing inside me. What else was there?

There was this.

This hurt tore to the side.

It lasted hours in my head – my inner monologue – but only a fraction of a second in real time. He said, No, but right after he said it he also said-

"I don't want to fight with you."

"Was that what we were doing?"

"Wasn't it?" His forehead had scrunched completely. He pulled over to the side of the road and let the car idle. Purr. He took a deep breath and took off his seatbelt. He turned to me. I was still facing the windshield. Not his eyes. They'll destroy me.

"Bella..." he paused, waiting for me to face him. "Will you look at me, please?"

I looked at him. He destroyed me.

"The night you left, and these past few days...they weren't good for me."

"They weren't good for me, either!" I cried, lunging against my seatbelt, struggling to get it off me. "I was a zombie, getting up, going to work, coming home, cooking for Charlie, going to bed, getting up, dealing with Mike being grumpy, then I'd get grumpy. It was awful." I could have kept going, kept babbling, I had a lot pent up, but he was sitting there, across from me, all pretty and staring. I wanted to be inside his head, to walk around and figure it out no matter how long it took.

"You're in control of this car, Bella."

Hmm, wasn't expecting that. He noticed my lip chew and kept going.

"Even though I'm behind the wheel, _you're_ driving. Know what I mean? That's the difference. You can level me with a word. Don't you see that? Don't you? That's what you did that night in my room, and when you left. ...I'm completely...I'll do whatever you want."

He quieted and faced the windshield, giving me that glorious side profile. It was his turn to nibble on the corner of his lip while he thought. I wanted to hear it, so I shut my big fat mouth for once. And in time he spoke again.

"You have no idea how different this is for me. I've _always_ been in control of _everything_ in my life. I made the decisions. I did things my way. I could start and end a relationship on a dime. I could go up to a woman and be with her that night and forget her name by morning. And I'd still make it to class on time. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that, but fuck it. I'll never lie to you, so here's some more truth. ...I can't sleep. Your smile is always in my head. I still laugh at things you said weeks ago. I drive by your house to see if your light is on and then I drive by again and then I drive by again and I can't go home until it's off because if I do I'll just be up again in ten minutes and out the door. But it's not enough anymore. I want more than your messages I've kept on my phone. I want you in my life, Bella. I'll take it any way I can get it. Do you need me to pick you up from work every night? Shit, I can do that," he laughed, finally, that laugh.

The pounding in my ears made it impossible to know if I was speaking, if words were coming out of my open mouth. I faced the windshield. I could smell his dying sweat and his sweet breath fogging the windows.

"I'll be your friend. I'll be your lover. I'll be your taxi driver. I'll be whatever you want me to be. Just, please, don't shut me out."

Wow. His hand found mine in the darkness and he didn't have to pry it off my bag. He held it and waited. I didn't make him wait long.

My hand had to be sweating in his. It had to. I was covered in it.

"Before I y'know, got all immature and left," I shifted nervously in my ugly khakis. "I was having a really great time with you. Even if we weren't doing what we were doing, which is a whole other therapy session - - even if we were just sitting around talking, that would have been great, too. That's the thing. I always have a great time with you and I guess, and this is so stupid, but I guess I got jealous that for even one second you chose someone else over me. Like someone else held your interest more than I did. I have no right to be possessive of you. I probably would have gotten pissed if you took Emmett's call - ok maybe not as pissed," I rolled my eyes and Edward laughed. A laugh of relief.

"Should we start over?" he asked sincerely.

"There's no such thing as starting over. There's just keeping going, right?" I took his hand and pressed his knuckles to my lips. "Although I'd like to RE-start a few things involving these miraculous fingers of yours, but that's another story," I winked. "I'm sorry for acting like a brat and spoiling your birthday."

His brought his hand from my mouth to the side of my face, stroking my cheek he cupped my chin and ran his thumb under the dip in my bottom lip.

"Bella, even if we didn't have this talk, when I look back at my 26th birthday I'll remember the candy-apple smell of your hair and the small sighs you made when you came down from your orgasm. The orgasm_ I _gave you."

...

"Which do you like better - mac and cheese or grilled cheese? Hm, or cheese pierogies..." I rifled through the bottom drawers of the fridge and pulled out the few remaining edible items. I hadn't been food shopping in over a week. Mike was piling on the shifts lately. And while he didn't have me doing much of anything while I was there besides working register and helping customers find their size in long underwear, he always seemed to need me there. Yet, _he_ was always there when I showed up. Why did we need two managers on duty? He was a wack-job.

I found some frozen burgers in the freezer that didn't look too bad.

"Do you know how to use a grill?" I mumbled. Starting up Charlie's over-sized Bunsen Burner was like asking permission to engulf the entire block in flames.

Edward laughed on the other end of the phone and my heart-rate surged.

"Why don't we just go out?"

"Because I told you I'd make us dinner."

"You can make it another night. Let me take you out. It'll be relaxing. No slaving over another one of Charlie's Antique Roadshow submissions."

"He'd be so hurt if he heard you say that."

"Come on. Go out with me. I'll pick you up in an hour."

I stalled, pacing in front of the fridge, stove, fridge, stove.

Out to dinner with Edward. That's a date, right? That's more of a date than our trip to Seattle.

"Bella."

"...Hour and a half."

"That's a yes then?"

Goofiest smile ever. Thank god he couldn't see. "Yes."

"Laters." He hung up and I'd need that extra half-hour for an extra long shower.

Damn that boy was...something else.

He was wearing a black jacket and jeans and these really nice boots when he showed up on my doorstep.

"Should I change?" I was wearing a simple beige sundress. They were all I wore in Phoenix and they hid my growing belly.

"You look beautiful, Bella," Edward answered with a kiss above my ear. I shivered.

"Shall we?" he cupped my elbow and brought me with him. I shivered again.

The restaurant was on the outskirts of town. a small, quiet Italian place I'd never seen.

"I didn't know this was here," I said as he pushed my chair in.

"You've been gone a long time, Bella." Something flashed across his eyes but I couldn't place it. He spread the linen napkin on his lap. I did the same.

"Geez, it's freezing in here. It's barely seventy degrees out and everyone's got the AC blasting. You'd think we were experiencing a heat wave or something." I rubbed my hands up and down my bare arms. Edward stood and removed his jacket.

"Where're you going?" I asked, eyeing the last two unbuttoned buttons of his untucked blue dress shirt that allowed me to see the light fuzz of belly trail hair.

"I'm giving you my jacket." He put it over my shoulders and his body heat covered me. And his musky minty scent covered me. And I was warm.

"Thank you." I pulled it closer and tried to read the menu through his smell.

We talked about easy things - stuff about me mostly. He laughed alot - mostly at the stories about Mike Newton and his complete lack of game. He told me a few of his own stories from when he went to Forks High. He asked me what high school was like in Phoenix. He was popular, but I already knew that from Alice. He was a trouble maker, too, he said, but he was good at hiding it. I told him I didn't believe him and he laughed at that. It never got serious, our dinner conversation. No awkward silences. Even when we were eating we were talking.

And when dinner was over and he dropped me off, he walked me to my door. My insides were shaking. Was he going to kiss me? I wanted to ruin the moment by asking if he was going to tell her about our little date.

"I had a wonderful time tonight, Bella." He was in my invisible ring of personal space. He wasn't touching me but the sparks were hitting my skin. I moved to give him his jacket back and that's when he reached for my hand.

"Keep it," he said softly. "You can give it to me later."

"Later when?"

"Just...later." He smiled. He'd taste like sauce. I know he would. If he kissed me, I'd taste sauce. On his tongue. That flavor lingers and Oh my god how I wanted him to kiss me. I was putting out the kiss me vibe but we hadn't talked about kissing or us kissing or what we were or labels. What we did in his room seemed like a distant memory. He was so tall as he stood in front of me. I saw the outline of where I'd fit into his body and I wanted to be in there. I stood on my tip toes a bit to show him that it was ok to kiss me.

"Goodnight Bella." He put his hands on either side of my neck and lowered his head. He closed his eyes and I closed mine and I counted the seconds. He pressed his lips to my forehead and kept them there. He breathed against my skin and then he let go.

**EPOV**

"Stop angle walking."

"What?"

"Angle walking. You're walking into me."

She smelled like freesia and dewdrops.

"So?"

"So? You're slowly pushing me off the sidewalk without realizing. That's angle walking."

Natural attraction. Gravitational pull.

"I won't let you fall, Bella. I'll always be there to catch you." I wound my arm around her waist and pulled her flush to my side in an effort to demonstrate the sentiment.

"I'm glad you're here," she said, a lazy smile spreading across her face. She looked up at me with sleepy brown eyes. It was getting late. We had been outdoors all day enjoying the sunshine.

"I'm glad you're glad," I grinned and she lolled her head on my shoulder.

The fireworks display was almost over and before we knew it another Fourth of July would be gone. I wanted to kiss her as the colors exploded over our heads and the crowd oohed and ahhed. I wanted to cover her mouth with mine and stay like that until she read my mind. With their help I could show her what she does to my heartbeat whenever she's near.

My heartbeat. Her fireworks.

We'd rolled up our blankets and set off towards the car. I carried the picnic basket on one arm, the weight of a tired Bella on the other. Her velvet skin and sparks lit me up on the inside.

She was starting to show a round tummy. I'd never tell her that unless she asked, which she wouldn't. I wished she wasn't so sensitive and insecure about the changes that were happening to her body. She was radiant. Pregnancy suited her. She carried it well and all in the front. The way she absentmindedly touched her stomach in that innate maternal way while we watched the explosions in sky on the blanket we shared. The pink and orange and blue glows that lit up her already gorgeous face. She was an angel. I wanted to tell her that. That and so many other things.

But it was late and she was tired.

Alice and Jasper walked ahead of us hand and hand and it was nice to see my brother so in love. They'd leave for Paris in the morning. I wasn't looking forward to that goodbye. But I suppose it was just the beginning. There would be even more difficult ones to come.

**BPOV**

"Dammit."

I tossed another pair of size 2's on the bed in disgust. Empty hangers swung listlessly in the closet.

Nothing fit. Everything was too tight. Buttons wouldn't close. Zippers wouldn't zip. I couldn't get my favorite pair of jeans over my ass. I was fat and ugly and no one would ever find me sexy again. I needed maternity clothes and I had no Alice, no mother to go with me.

Yeah so I was wallowing. You would too. Normally I'd be as happy as a clam in a pair of sweatpants and an oversized tee-shirt. But not today.

I was seeing Edward today. For the first time in over a week. He'd been at Northwestern with his father being all brilliant and dashing and I stayed here counting the days til he came back. He called every night even when he sounded exhausted and I sent him texts from work when Mike was being especially annoying. I don't know what he was doing at Northwestern although he'd told me in enthusiastic detail. I loved how his future made him excited, at least someone's did – but mostly I nodded and stared at him dreamily while pretending to listen.

"Ugh!" I cried in frustration, flinging my last hope at looking good onto the pile. Those were my favorite Diesel dress slacks – all black and pin striped with a thin leather belt. You could dress them down with sneakers or dress them up with stilettos. They made my ass and legs look amazing. Now they were threatening to bust at the seams.

The doorbell rang.

Fuck! What time was it? Six o clock already? How long had I been ripping apart my closet? Shit shit shit!

"I can't go. ...Sorry." I spoke low and to the door, not to the godlike mancreature standing on the porch in dark jeans and a black tee. I hadn't looked at his face but I knew all too well what the fuck Edward Cullen looked like. It was burned into my subconscious. I was a coward concentrating on the trees bending in the breeze.

"Why not?" he asked and my heart was breaking at how rude I was about to be.

"I just can't ok?" I snapped. "I don't want to."

"Oh. Um. Ok then. ...Is everything alright?"

"Yeah Edward everything's awesome. I'm just not in the mood to stuff my fat face and then try to stuff my fat _ass_ into a seat at the movies."

"Fat? Bella, what are you...?" And then he gave in. "It's fine. We can do something else if you want."

"I don't want to do anything. I want to be alone."

"...Oh. Right. Sure yeah. I understand. I'll uh, call you later then." He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to walk to his car.

"Edward wait!" I leapt at him. "I didn't mean that."

"So you _do_ want to go?" He was confused by me, again.

"No, but I don't want to be alone either. You wanna come in and be miserable with me?"

A slow smile crept across his face and he closed the door behind him. "That's going to be difficult. The being miserable part."

Yep, he's a charmer alright.

"I only have ice cream left. Want sundaes for dinner?"

I was curled on the couch under an old afghan allowing Edward free reign around the kitchen. Jake stared down at me from our wedding photo on the wall.

"I make a mean banana split," Edward called back.

"Yeah well good luck finding a banana in this house." Pots and pans clattered. The freezer door opened and closed.

"Every house has a banana in it somewhere," Edward grumbled. "Jesus, how much ice cream do you eat?"

I giggled and turned on the TV while he rattled off the flavors he'd found. I settled on an episode of Mad Men on AMC and was enjoying me some Don Draper time when Edward walked in carrying two bowls of goodness. Take THAT Don Draper.

Edward sat down next to me and I scooted over to give him room.

"What have we got here?" My mouth was watering at the luscious sight of the creamy concoctions.

"Well," he cleared his throat all faux-snobby like. "Here we have an Oreo Cookie Cullen – which is Oreo cookie ice cream, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and actual crumbled Oreo's on top. Very sheik and decadent. It's Gordon Ramsey's personal favorite." He placed the bowl on the coffee table and went on to the next one.

"This delight is a traditional Banana Split ala Cullen-"

"You found a banana? get outta here. huh."

"Two, actually. Only had to cut a few brown spots out," he winked. "Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry scoops, hot fudge, whipped cream, topped with rainbow sprinkles. Seriously...It's like a fucking candy store in your kitchen, my dear," he chuckled and I swooned at this culinary side of him. "So? Which one of these bad boys would you like?"

The one that smells like lavender and reeks of sex. Oh, he means the ice cream. Right I knew that.

"Umm," I eyed them both. Decisions, decisions. "I'll have the banana split."

"You got it. He placed it in my hands happily. "Enjoy."

"I will."

And I did.

"This doesn't seem so miserable now does it" Edward smiled, shoving a heaping spoonful of Oreo and whipped cream into his mouth. Such a little boy.

"Not at the moment, no," I grinned with my mouth full.

"Do you wanna tell me what was wrong earlier?"

I shrugged and continued to shovel ice cream in my face. "It's stupid."

"I doubt that, but you have to tell me first. Then I can truly make an educated decision."

"I can't fit into any of my clothes. My boobs are too big. I look like a slut in all my of shirts and I can't button my pants. I'm a whale." I pulled the afghan higher and placed the bowl in my lap.

"Alice and Jessica are gone. Angela's getting married and soon she'll move away. Before I know it summer will be over and then you'll be gone too. I'll be left here with Charlie and Mike Newton-"

The tears were coming. This was going from playful to emo real fast.

"And a new baby that I don't know how to care of, who's life I'll end up fucking up too and they'll hate me and I'll be a spinster all old and alone living here with my father and my shut in child and working at Newton's for the rest of my pathetic life."

It sounded like I was exaggerating, being dramatic, over the top, hormonal, but it was real. It was everything I felt and feared and everything that lingered and ate at me and ruined any happy, carefree moment I had.

"I get so mad, yknow?" I wiped at my cheeks and nose and stared straight ahead at the wedding portrait on the wall. Edward followed my gaze and shifted closer to me. He placed his hand on top of the afghan on the spot where mine lay underneath.

"Why'd he have to go out that night?" I whimpered. "I didn't mean it. I didn't really need whatever it was that I sent him out for. He didn't need Billy's help. It was nothing important. Nothing that couldn't have waited. ...The truck didn't have airbags. They weren't wearing their seatbelts. Stubborn fools. Jake had a bunch of cars at the shop that he could have taken out. Every time I turned around he was driving some rebuild or custom job. ...You still put on your seatbelt, _Jacob Black!_" I stood and screamed at the picture of our stupid smiling faces. we were so young and naive.

"It's the _other_ person you have to worry about, remember! Who told me that, Jake? Huh? You! And now you're gone and I'm left with a baby and a house and bills and I don't know how to do _anything_! You never let me do anything! _That's a man's job. Dinner and your desk job, that's all you need, baby._ Well now what! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?"

More sobbing and more burn in my chest and white-hot rage and I hated him in that moment. I hated him and I stood in front of him shaking. I sucked back the sobs and bottled them up. No. No more. I wrapped my arms around myself and then there was another set of arms wrapping themselves around me and my weight fell back to his strong chest and warm smell.

"It's ok, Bella," he murmured into my hair. "You can cry. It's ok to cry."

Not sure how long the sobfest continued but I somehow ended up back on the couch and in Edward's comforting embrace laying across his lap with my hands folded under my cheek and his fingers combing through my hair. I hadn't said much since I'd calmed down. I was spent and in a daze of sorts, trying to figure out where the fuck that outburst came from.

And Edward was here. He hadn't left. And not because he couldn't, but because he didn't want to. He wanted to be with me. He wanted to know me. He'd told me so.

"I broke down at the service. As soon as we arrived and I saw their names on the gravestones I fell and started screaming. I don't know for how long or who pulled me up but I was so embarrassed afterward it happened. I couldn't look at them. I couldn't look at anyone."

"It was your husband's funeral, Bella. You're allowed to behave any way you want."

"I was supposed to speak. Not one of my strong points, as you know. Heh."

"What did you say?"

"I read a poem."

"That's sweet, Bella. Was it one of his favorites?"

"Yeah right," I snorted. "J_ake? Poetry?_"

Edward tilted his head to the side and smiled at me. "What? He didn't like poetry?"

The question was so innocent, so decent, yet so completely hilarious that my sides spasmed and I had to hold my bulging belly while I laughed my ass off.

"What's so funny?" Edward asked, still utterly perplexed by my reaction.

Seriously? I held up my hand for him to give me a minute while I tried to compose myself. The longer I laughed the more confused he became. He put his hand on my shoulder to steady me but I shrugged him away. His sincere concern only made it funnier and I snorted...which made me double over. And it felt _so damn good_ to laugh. I hadn't laughed in...shit, I don't know how long. Months? I hiccuped and it sounded like a burp which made me _cry_ with laughter.

"Breathe. Bella, breathe. You have to breathe." He didn't know what else to say and it was so very precious to me. Eventually the laughter-fit passed and my breathing steadied much to Edward's relief. I put my hand over his hand and squeezed so he knew I was ok.

"I'm sorry. You'd have no way of knowing," I hiccuped. "It's just that the closest Jake ever came to _reading_," I used finger air quotes around "reading." "Was when he'd come in from the garage to check out the score of the Diamondbacks game."

"Oh," Edward said, watching me closely. It was obvious that he didn't catch my sarcasm. "Could he...not _read_?" he asked carefully.

And that was the final straw. I doubled over in hysterics until I thought I'd tinkle in my pants. I laughed so hard and for so long without stopping that it actually hurt my cheeks and sides. What felt better was hearing the sound of Edward laughing next to me. Through my watery eyes I could see him laughing; the wrinkles that formed in his brow and the corners of his eyes and the wide, gorgeous smile that overtook his face as he watched me. His laughter was contagious and caught onto the edges of my squeals and they danced and played and made beautiful music together.


	15. Never before have felt as recently

_Recently I've been_  
_ All of content and dreaming I have been_  
_ 'Cause I been lately seeing_  
_ Quite a bit of this woman live on my street_

- _Recently_, Dave Matthews

**EPOV**

My father was sitting behind his shiny mahogany desk when I knocked on the heavy wooden door to his study.

"You wanted to see me?"

I was on my way to meet Bella for lunch in the park when the kitchen intercom went off and my father's booming voice filled the room. I quickly wrapped up the leftovers from my mother's noodle casserole the night before and stuffed the brown bags in the fridge. Bella only got an hour lunch so I was hoping this wouldn't take too long. No conference call with the Head of Neurosurgery at Columbia Presbyterian, please. Not another endless round table discussion with the members of the Orthopedic Surgery and Trauma Service team. What more was there to talk about anyways?

My father said I should be proud, honored even, that I was being recruited so aggressively by top hospitals around the country, and for different specialties. It was rare, unheard of for someone my age, a recent grad without his residency qualifications, to be sought out and wooed to the degree that I was currently being wooed. Cardiac care, that's what I always wanted to do, and even though I assumed it would be the field I worked in specifically, the more I met with HR and various department heads the more other specialties peaked my interest.

Part of me was excited to know that I had something they wanted, something that could help save lives, improve the practice of medicine and patient care.

The other part of me – the boy inside that still got sick before every exam - wanted to absolutely fucking puke my guts up and plummet off the highest cliff in La Push from the stress and the pressure that went along with the accolades. Failure was not an option. Too may choices. Too many people to let down. One in particular, and it wasn't my father.

"Ah yes, Edward." He removed his wire-framed eyeglasses and set them on the ledger sprawled out across his desk.

"Please come in." he smiled and crossed his hands in front of him. "I have good news for you. I'll spare you the suspense and come right out with it. ...It looks like you'll be spending even more quality time with your old man in the not too distant future. Try to contain your elation. Please, please, your enthusiasm is inflating my ego."

I laughed and sat in one of the deep leather chairs that lined the front of his desk. I felt like a patient instead of his son, but maybe that was the point. Don't get too comfortable in here. You never know what he might say.

"Is that so? Where are we going?" I asked with a curious crease to my brow.

"Well, _you_ are going to Boston in the next few weeks to sign your lease and finalize your rounds. Am I correct?"

"Yes."

"Well, I will be joining you." He rose and went to the far wall and the glass cabinet filled with countless bottles of expensive liquor.

"Care for a drink?" He poured a fifth of Kentucky bourbon into a crystal glass and set it in front of me, then poured one for himself and downed it in one shot.

"I hope Tanya won't mind putting me up in the guest room of your new loft apartment?" he smacked his lips with an _ahhhhh_ as the alcohol burned down his throat. "I'm sure it's spacious enough. Don't you?"

"How did you know it has a guest room?" I questioned. Even _I'd_ only seen the place once, at the walk through with the real estate agent during my last trip to Boston. In between checking my phone for messages from Bella that weren't there, I managed to agree that the place suited my needs. It was closer to the hospital than my last place and it had two bedrooms, which was more important to me than the commute.

"Ah hah! So you _are_ moving in together! Wonderful." He poured another Bourbon with a shit-eating grin on his face and raised his glass. He wagged his finger at me and sat back in his high-backed chair.

"Always so secretive, Edward. Sometimes I have to play dirty tricks to keep up with you." He crossed his arms behind his head, taking notice that I hadn't touched my drink.

"Actually," he continued. "Her father told me about the apartment. Alphonse. He's the reason I'm going to Boston. Dr. Denali is being honored at a charity benefit for Alzheimer's Research. The good doctor has made remarkable strides in the breakthrough of medicines and treatment that, in clinical trials, have been shown to slow the progression of the disease to a near halt. You should be very proud."

"Why should _I_ be proud?"

"Your girlfriend's father is a pioneer in his field, Edward. A true revolutionary. And Miss Denali is set to follow in his prominent footsteps. I've been hearing nothing but exemplary things about her research. Her paper on the 'Peripheral Induction of Alzheimer's-like Brain Pathology in Mice' caused quite a stir."

"She's not my girlfriend," I answered flatly.

"_That's_ your response to me?" His eyebrows shot to the middle of his forehead in shock.

"What were you expecting it to be?" I countered his eyebrow raise with one of my own. "I'm glad she's doing well, that she's on a 'path' or whatever, but she's not my girlfriend. You and mom _want_ her to be my girlfriend, you _act_ like she is, every time I call home your first question is to check in on the status of our relationship; you talk about us like we're in this serious relationship headed for the altar or some crap, but that's because you take the few strands of information I give you and you piece them together, you add your own spices and serve it up as the dish you hope to receive. Well I hate to disappoint you but-"

"You're _not_ living with her when you return to Boston then?"

"We're _sharing_ a place, if you must know. And that's only because it's _cost-effective_ for _her_, and _nice_ of _me_."

"I don't understand. You're sleeping with her, aren't you? Last time we were out to visit, your mother said there were ladies stockings hanging in your shower."

"Jesus _Christ_, dad," I huffed in annoyance and downed my drink, sputtering and coughing when the fire hit the back of my throat. "When did you become my sex-therapist? It's nice, I suppose, that you and mom want me to settle down and start a family, but why are you pushing so hard?"

"Tanya is a wonderful woman. She's bright, highly educated, funny-"

"How do _you_ know she's funny?" This was getting ridiculous. I wanted to check my watch but if I looked at my wrist he'd have something to say about it.

"Well, isn't she?" my father shrugged.

"I guess," I sighed loudly out of exasperation. "What do you want me to say? Has she ever made me laugh? Yeah sure. Can I tell you what it was she said? Fuck no. I have no idea. It couldn't have been that hilarious then, could it? I didn't pass out or die from the cleverness of her little joke, so can we please drop it?" I rolled my eyes and stood to leave.

"Are you having sex with her?"

"_WHAT?_"

"You heard me." The corner of his mouth curled in a smile. Yes yes I know. I get my smile from my father. My mother never lets me forget it.

"I _heard _you, I'm just wondering if you were seriously expecting an answer. Since when have I ever discussed my sex life with you? Now all of a sudden I'm in the Boys Club and you want the number of notches on my belt?"

"Oh come on, Edward. I'm not giving you a hard time. I'm trying to be your friend. Friends talk about sex. _Men_ talk about sex."

"I have friends and I don't talk to them about my sex life either."

My father laughed again and put his hands up in surrender. "Alright, fine. I'm sorry to interfere."

I smirked and looked at the clock on the wall behind him, Fuck. I was late. Bella would be there already. At the park. She was waiting for me and she'd be hungry.

"And where are you off to in such a hurry?" he poked.

"Nowhere, uh, just having lunch with Bella and then we're going to her doctor's appointment."

"Ahhhh. ...I see." He leaned back in his chair and stared up at the mural on the ceiling.

"Ok what the hell is that supposed to mean?" I caved. Jesus he knew how to push my fucking buttons. "Your _Ah, I see's_. They always mean something."

He pursed his lips and continued to concentrate on the artwork above our heads. "Nothing nothing. I just hope she's comfortable with Dr. Travers, that's all. He is quite reputable. Best OB on the coast - after me of course."

"I'm sure you wouldn't have recommended his services if he wasn't," I answered blandly.

"That's right."

"Where exactly is this line of questioning going, dad? If you don't mind me asking. Because I'm beginning to feel as though I should start defending myself - although I'm not sure against what exactly, but perhaps that's because _defending myself_ is what I'm usually doing when I've been summoned to your office."

"What are your intentions with Isabella Swan, Edward?"

"My intentions? What am I - sixteen? My _intentions_?"

"I'm glad your hearing is still in optimal condition after all the loud concerts I've allowed you to attend as a teenager. Now answer the question."

"She's a friend."

"That's not an answer, that's a deflection. Allow me to rephrase. Do you have intimate feelings for her? May I remind you of our conversation just a few weeks ago, when you were first introduced to Isabella's condition...a condition that she _hid_ from you if I remember correctly. I warned you then, Edward. Shall I warn you again?"

"Warn me about _what_?" I sneered but then backed off when I heard how my tone sounded as it reverberated off the walls in my father's office. I shouldn't be speaking to him this way. It wasn't respectful and my father deserved my respect.

"I see what you're trying to do, dad. I do, and I appreciate your concern and fatherliness, but I'm a grown man-"

"Grown men think with their dicks as much as young men. Even more."

"I'm not-!" I squealed and it came out sounding like the whine of a pre-pubescent girl-child. I shut my trap and started over, calmly.

"I'm not thinking with my dick, dad. ...Ok maybe I am a little. I'm attracted to her, yes. Very much. She's a beautiful woman inside and out."

_Ain't that the truth. If I closed my eyes I can still smell the sweetness of her sex on my fingers. If I licked the tips I could taste her. But I digress._

"The way she makes me feel - just by being around her - she doesn't even have to _do_ anything, dad, and I get chills. That's never happened to me before."

I felt my face break out in a giant grin just thinking about Bella and the V that forms in her brow when she's deciding whether she wants to punch me or kiss me.

"There's something about her. Something raw and real. I can't explain it. I don't want to have to explain it - all I know is that I want her in my life somehow. I care about her. I ran away once when I first found out about her pregnancy and I'll always regret handling it that way. I wish I hadn't, I wish I had just talked to her about it instead of leaving without a word, but I can't change what happened-"

"Your mother and I saw how you two were behaving at your birthday party. Very touchy feely when you thought no one was looking. We could see Bella's blush from the patio."

"Then WHY are you interrogating me about_ Tanya!_" I roared in frustration. "If you see what Bella does to me, WHY are you pushing me towards another woman?" I loved my father, do not get me wrong, he's a wonderful man; my hero even, but he knows how to drive even the sanest person up the damn wall in about two seconds flat. It's because he dabbled in psychotherapy in his younger years and thinks he's part Sigmund Freud or some shit.

"Perhaps you would like to invite Bella over for supper?" he proposed, tapping his finger to his chin.

"Why would I do that?" I shot back defensively. "You've met her. She's eaten over before."

"Yes but Jasper and Rosalie were always there with their significant others. This time it will be just you and Bella. There's no harm in that, is there? She's a lovely girl and I'd like to see how she's feeling. Strictly from a medical perspective, you understand." He was trying to hold back his laughter at my expense.

"Give me your word that you'll ask her to dinner and I'll have your mother cook a feast. The house has been so empty and quiet since your sister and brother left. I know she'd love to have the rooms filled with the voices of happiness and laughter again."

...

"You, uh, you wanna go to my parents house for dinner tonight?" I mumbled, hoping she wouldn't be able to make out what I said and I'd be off the hook.

Bella's hand was gripping onto mine as we walked side by side from the doctors office to my car. It wasn't a long walk but she'd been awfully quiet the whole time.

"You don't have to, I mean, It's no big deal. I can tell them you're not feeling well or something. It's fine."

"Did they ask you to invite me?" she stopped in her tracks and swung around so that my arm draped over her shoulders. Since we went straight to her appointment from work, she was still wearing her Newton's uniform which she hated but I actually found it endearing and cute. Not that I wouldn't much rather see her in a flowy silken sundress like the ones she usually wears when we hang out - with thin straps that show off her smooth round shoulders and porcelain neck, and that spot right there that dips into the hollow of her collarbone that if I bent down I could drag my tongue along its thin length and she'd sigh ever so -

_Whoa down boy._

"My dad did," I said, squirming slightly against the bulge growing in my jeans. "but I can tell him you're-"

"Aww that was so nice of him," Bella swooned, swinging our arms back and forth as we continued walking. "I love your dad. I wish he could still be my doctor and wasn't off traveling and saving people's lives all the damn time. And taking _you_ with him, I might add. ...I don't like that either," she smiled up at me and dug her shoulder into my arm.

"So you wanna go then?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I?"

Because I'm nervous as fuck that the conversation will get all "State of Our Union", or "What does it all mean", or "Are you two an item", or a dozen other phrases that neither I nor Bella knew the answers to. Instead I ignored the question and kissed the top of her head and pulled her into a hug.

"You did so good in there, you know that? So proud of you," I said, smelling her hair as I talked. Her nose was pressed into my neck and I could feel her inhaling my scent too. The touch of her nose sent sparks up my arms. I knew if I tilted my head down I'd be confronted with those warm chocolate eyes and sweet berry lips.

"Thanks for coming with me. I hate going alone to these stupid appointments," she said against the sensitive skin under my jaw line. I held her tighter. She was soft and warm and she molded into my embrace.

"They're not stupid. They're important. And I'm sorry you had to go alone. You won't anymore. If I'd known about the others, I would have come to them with you. When's your next one?"

"If the blood work from today comes back ok, then not until I'm twenty-four weeks."

"Six months." I rubbed my hand up and down her back.

"Yeah," she repeated in a far-off voice. She sounded distant, like a lost child suddenly.

"Bella? You ok?"

"Six months, Edward. I'm going to be six months pregnant."

"Yes eventually," I replied with a smile in my voice. "And then a few months after that you won't be pregnant anymore. You'll have a -"

"I'm not ready," she whispered almost inaudibly but her lips were so close to my ear that I heard. I rubbed circles over her back and slid my other hand behind her neck, rubbing the base of her skull with my thumb. She liked the feeling and hummed against my throat. "I don't have anything. No clothes for it, no diapers. I don't even have a room to put it in. The baby. Shit I keep calling it IT," she groaned and stomped her foot. "See? I'm no good at this. I'm calling my baby an IT."

I laughed and I felt her smile with me. "You can find out the sex whenever you want, y'know. They have it in your file." I kissed her forehead and pulled her back so I could see her face.

"Do you want to know what you're having, Bella? I could go with you if you'd like to find out. I could hold your hand like this." I lifted her hand to my lips and placed a kiss on the inside of her wrist.

She was quiet for a beat, gazing at me. "I dunno. That makes it so much more... real. It gives it, like, a personality." She chewed contemplatively on the inside of her cheek and I grinned at her in amazement.

"I'd say it's pretty real already, Bella. And it's coming whether you're ready or not."

"Yeah thanks, stress me out even more." She rolled her eyes and tried to pull out of my arms but I wouldn't let her go.

"Hey, where you goin'? Look at me. Bella, look at me. You're going to be fine, ya hear me? I promise. ...I'll help you."

"_You_? How? You wanna take me maternity shopping?" she snorted. "Wanna watch me try on moo-moo's and pick out breast pumps?"

"I'm a doctor, Bella. Those things don't scare me. The human body is a remarkable creation. If you only knew the wondrous things it's capable of. Creating life, allowing it to grow and mature and respond to its environment, delivering it, mending it - and a million other things it does every second of every day that we don't even think about. It's astonishing. All the shitty things we do to our bodies - the crap we eat and drink, the drugs we take, the smoke we inhale, the danger we put it in constantly - and yet it keeps going. It keeps trying to save us, to sustain us and all the while we're trying to shut it down by not sleeping enough, not exercising or eating properly. We give it high blood pressure and cholesterol. We drive too fast and crush its bones. You think watching you pump life-giving milk from your breast is going to turn me off?"

"Who said I was going to let you _watch_ me?" she teased with a pretend horrified look on her face. She wasn't a very good actress. I held back a laugh. She was too cute for words.

"You know what I mean. What's happening to your body right now is a miracle. It really is. Think about it. In just a few shorts months that baby is going to come out of you with everything it needs to survive in this harsh world we live in. You've given it the tools it needs - the blood, the organs, the legs, fingers, _everything_. It has everything it will ever need because of _you_. Isn't that wonderful? And with your help it will grow and learn how to use those tools, it will learn about the beauty of the world, and the ugly in it too. You're going to be an amazing mother and teacher, Bella. Not having baby clothes picked out doesn't change that."

I tucked a flyaway strand of hair behind her ear and sighed at its silky texture between my fingers. Bella was eyeing me with a look I couldn't place. She licked her bottom lip and before I had a chance to speak she pounced on me, knocking me back two steps. Her lips were on mine, her candy taste in my mouth. Her hands were fisting through my hair and pulling me down to her level. She was on her tippy toes and I gathered her in my arms. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kept pulling on me, crashing our lips together, she was kissing me with everything she had pent up inside her and I kissed her back with my everything. It had been so long since we'd touched this way. Years even though it had only been weeks. She let out little puppy-sized grunts as our tongues met and lapped and sucked and I was growing harder by the second. I had to remember to breathe and focus on the butter tongue and velveteen lips that were aching for mine.

I grabbed at the back of her over-sized polo and pulled it up, untucking it from her khakis. She groaned and pushed her pelvis into mine. I needed to feel the heat of her skin. There were too many layers separating us. Her hands were still in my hair, her short nails digging into the back of my neck.

It hurt and I liked it.

The heat of her flesh seared my palms and I groaned into her mouth with the pleasure the pain brought. My synapses were firing under every inch of skin and I pushed her against the door of my car. She hummed her approval and slid her hands over my shoulder blades dragging her fingernails to the bone. _God it hurt so fucking good._

"What are we doing?" I moaned into her mouth, trailing kisses down her neck, over the throbbing pulse under her earlobe.

"Don't stop," was all she could say and fuck no I had no intention of stopping. "Take me home," she said and I looked to her eyes for reassurance. She nodded. "And _don't_ do the speed limit."

She was practically in my lap the entire car ride to her house. She wasn't wearing a seatbelt, which I normally would not allow, but with her hand between my legs it was the last thing on my mind. She stroked me through my jeans and placed wet kisses up and down the side of my neck over and over, pushing her breasts into my arm. It was all I could do to hold the wheel straight.

I prayed Charlie wouldn't be home when we arrived and he wasn't. Bella probably knew he wouldn't be. At least one of us was thinking straight. Or was she? I put the car in park and was about to walk to her door but by the time I got there she was already out and in my arms, picking up right where we left off in the parking lot. I smiled into her kisses and tried to keep up with her hands. She was pulling at my clothes and pulling towards the house. I followed but we couldn't separate long enough to walk. Our steps were too staggered, it was taking too long to get to the door. I picked Bella up in my arms and carried her the rest of the way.

"Where do you want to go?" I asked out of breath once we were safely inside.

"My room," she mumbled into my neck. "Don't put me down."

_Alrighty. The lady said take her to her room. Just doing as I'm told._

I kicked her bedroom door open dramatically and set her on the bed with an _ooomph_. Before I could even kick my shoes off she had pulled me on top of her and was fumbling for my belt buckle with her shaking hands. I was horny as shit and every muscle in my body was telling me to keep going.

But wait a second. What was about to happen here?

I needed to clear my head. This was all happening too fast. One minute we're walking out of Bella's OB appointment hand in hand, the next I'm fondling her tits and she's got her hand down my pants.

"Are we really doing this right now?" I panted while she nipped at my jaw and slid her hands under my shirt.

"Your body is so amazing, Edward." She ignored my question and pulled my shirt up the length of my torso in one swoop.

"Uh, thanks," I answered, a bit overwhelmed by what was happening. I lifted my arms and allowed her to pull my shirt the rest of the way over my head. She discarded it somewhere on the bedroom floor. She leaned up on her elbows and stared at me with wild, hungry eyes. I was kneeling between her legs, prayer-style, unsure of just what the fuck I was supposed to do next.

Ok I knew what the fuck was supposed to happen next. I'd been in this position many times. What comes next is easy. We fuck. She comes many times, I come once. I show her the door. I get up and go to class. Romantic, huh? That's the way it had to be in medical school. Too busy to get attached. Can't lose focus. I went to the bar in town once, maybe twice a month, and that's usually how the night ended. Tanya was the only one who stayed. Probably because I was too busy, or tired, or both, to notice. And she wore me down.

I wanted this time to be different than all the others.

Because Bella was different.

Bella sat up and ran her hands ever so slowly down my bare chest, following the lines of my muscles with her eyes. The room was silent except for our shuddering breaths and the pounding of our hearts in our chests.

"Bella," I whispered. She didn't look up. "Bella," I repeated. "Angel look at me." She eyes shot up to mine and heat swept across my skin like desert air. "Do you want to do this?" I asked quietly. "Because if we keep going, I don't know if I'll be able to stop. We can't take it back. If you're not 100% sure, I'm going to put my shirt back on and we'll laugh about this on the way to dinner."

The truth was that I hoped she'd say no - that she didn't want to do it. Because if we were going to have sex, I didn't want it to be like this. In a hurry and then dinner at my parent's. I wanted it to last all night and into the morning. I wanted it to happen more than once. I wanted to fall asleep from the exhaustion of making love to Bella and then wake up with a fresh erection pressed against her ass. I wanted to worship her for hours. I wanted to stand in the kitchen naked with just the light of the stove on our bodies, eating ice cream for energy before we went back upstairs to do it again.

"Fucking hormones," Bella laughed lightly under her breath, still tracing the outline of my abs with the tips of her fingers. It felt fucking fabulous. "They've turned me into a pervo."

I grinned a crooked smile and watched her trace a line straight down my stomach through my belly trail and stop at the waist of my jeans. My obvious erection was straining inside. She traced the outline of my dick through the fabric and I couldn't contain the moan that escaped my lips.

"_Bella_."

She undid my belt and slowly lowered my zipper, exposing the waistband of my boxer briefs.

"Calvin Klein. I should have known," she winked. "Sexy." She dipped her finger inside the elastic and snapped it playfully against my skin. Then she pushed both my underwear and my jeans over my ass, freeing my bobbing hard on. I was fully exposed and feeling a tad vulnerable to be honest. Very unlike me. But that's what Bella did. She unmanned me. It was her not-so-secret power.

I needed something of hers to look at so without thinking I tugged on the bottom of her stupid work polo, motioning that I wanted her to take it off. She managed to take her eyes off my dick for a second and raised her arms to let me. I tossed her shirt over my head without noticing where it landed. The dresser, I think.

And like the pearl inside the clam shell, her breasts were exposed to me, stuffed into a low-cupped black lace bra with the thinnest of thin thin straps. Her cleavage was spec-_fucking_-tacular and I nearly shot my load all over her face.

"My god, Bella. You are _so_ beautiful," I whispered. She ran her hands over my ass cheeks and pushed me onto my side. I kicked my jeans off the rest of the way and there I was, laying full out buck ass naked on top of Bella's purple Sears comforter.

"Touch me, Edward." She hair tumbled over her shoulder in dark waves.

_Touch me, Edward_. Was I dreaming? I was. Wasn't I? Had she really said it?

She shimmied out of her khaki's and kicked them away, revealing her long slender legs and black panties. I pulled her leg over my waist and she straddled me, enclosing me between her milky thighs. Her chest rose and fell with each breath she took and she looked down at me. I slid my hands up her thighs and she closed her eyes.

"_Gorgeous_," I murmured breathlessly, caressing her sides and palming the swell of her ass.

**BPOV**

Ok so I don't know what came over me.

Ok yeah I did.

Edward was laying naked underneath me. His long strong body was laid out right underneath me!

Are you kidding? What the fuck was going on? And why was I ok with it?

He was skimming the tips of his immaculate fingers over my skin, sending chill waves up my spine. The electric burn of his gaze followed the passes of his hands over my heated skin and I ached for him.

He asked me what I wanted.

I had never been this brazen - asking a man for his touch. Pushing him. Coming on to him. But once we started, I didn't want to stop. I couldn't have stopped even if I wanted to. So I took his fingers and placed them against my opening so he'd know what I wanted. He pushed my panties to the side and slid his fingers inside my wetness with ease

_"Yes, Edward, right there."_ I tipped my head back and rocked on his fingers, encasing them inside my body. I took his heavy cock in my hand and stroked his considerable length in time with the rhythm of his fingers.

He was close - trembling inside my palm. He hooked his index finger and hit my G-spot and I cried out in ecstasy. It didn't take long for me to come. I'd been on the edge since we left the parking lot. He pushed on my clit and I exploded and pulsed and soaked his fingers.

I pulled away, removing his fingers and his brow creased in confusion. I leaned in and placed a kiss on the wrinkle. _It's ok, I'm not going anywhere._

I slid down his naked torso, spreading his legs wider so I could fit between them. I took all of him in my mouth without warning and he gasped in shock. He stiffened and arched his back when he hit the back of my throat. His hand that wasn't inside me pulled frantically through my hair as I worked him, sliding the flat of my tongue up the thickness of his length, over the roundness of his tip soaked with salty pre-cum and then sucking my way back down. My tits brushed against his balls. I gripped the base of his cock and pumped him while I sucked. I felt his hands reach around my back and fumble to unsnap my bra. I shrugged out of it and playfully draped it over his forehead. I felt the muscles of his abdomen constrict in laughter. And then he gripped the sheets with fists and writhed. I smelt the bitterness of the sweat on his sensitive flesh. He was speaking in tongues. I could make out a few of the words, mostly foul curses that made me smile.

"You're gonna..._oh fuck_..." he let out a strangled moan. "...Bell...babe...I'm gonna..." His fingers clawed at my shoulders and I looked up at him through my hair. The expression on his face turned me on more than I expected. His parted lips and lust-filled eyes, his wild hair, his heaving chest slick with sweat. It was really fucking hot in here. I was sweating too, but I didn't stop. It was getting messy now but I didn't care. I squeezed the meaty flesh of his hips and that was it. Edward bucked and released with a cry. I kept him in my mouth until he was empty and then rested my cheek on his stomach.

"Bella." His hands brushed my hair from my face and I placed a kiss over his belly button.

"Mmmm, again. Say it again."

"_Bella_. My god, _Bella_. _Beautiful beautiful Bella_."

I smiled and yeah I blushed. "I like hearing you say my name like that."

"That's because you're evil," he chuckled hoarsely. He slid his arms under my armpits and pulled me up his body. He kissed my lips still wet with his juices.

"Uck that's how I taste?" he blanched, sticking out his tongue. "I can't believe you swallowed."

"It wasn't bad actually."

"I bet you taste better."

"Mmm but you don't know that for sure do you?"

"I'd like to."

"Some other time. We're going to be late."

Edward groaned as he got off the bed and began searching the floor for his underwear. It was a surreal moment, Edward standing in the middle of my bedroom stark naked, picking his boxers off the floor and sliding them over his ass. I fastened my bra and stood in front of him in only my bra and panties. He stopped what he was doing and froze in place with his clothes in his arms. He let them fall back to the floor and pulled me into his arms.

"Wow," he said, squeezing me so my breasts mashed into his chest.

"Wow what?" I grinned like an idiot.

"Wow you took my breath away just now. That's what."

My heart thrummed in my throat and I could think of only one thing that would settle it.

"Kiss me."

A slow grin spread across that unworldly face and he moistened his lips.

"I thought you'd never ask."

…

Charlie came home just as Edward and I were getting ready to leave.

Edward greeted my father like a gentlemen, reaching for his hand and shaking it.

"Hello Edward." Charlie resplied dryly. He gave me a curious look and I blushed, like he could read my mind or something, like he knew what we'd been up to, like he could smell it on us.

"Where you kids off to?"

"We're having dinner with my parents. You're welcome to come along, sir. If you'd like. I'm sure my parents would love to have you." Charlie seemed thoroughly caught off guard by the invite and Edward's sincerity.

"Thanks for the offer Edward but, uh, I just came home to grab a few files. Gotta head back to the precinct. Maybe some other time."

Edward nodded politely. "Sure Chief Swan."

"I had a doctor's appointment today, dad," I blurted out nervously. "It was a check-up. ...For the baby. And for me too I guess." Charlie's face fell and I could see the disappointment in his furrowed brow

"Shit, Bells, I'm sorry. I should have gone with you. Why didn't you call or...? Nevermind. Is everything...? How did it go?"

"Fine, dad," I assured him with a smile. "Edward went with me.

"He did?" Charlie crossed his arms and pondered this. Edward and I stood side by side while he looked us over.

"Good," he said finally and I exhaled. "Good. Well. Thank you for being there, Edward. Bella's lucky to have a friend like you. With her mother so far away and Alice gone, it's comforting to know that she has someone she can count on. To step up to the plate or whatever the expression is. I wish that person could be me...maybe I can take some more time off-"

"It's ok, dad. I told you not to worry about me. I'm an adult. I can take care of myself."

_Uh, really Bella? Since when?_

"I know that, Bells, but this is something you shouldn't be going through alone. This is important stuff. You moved back here so you'd have at least one parent looking after you. I leave you alone too much, don't I? There's not much to do around here but I can take some time off and keep you company. Fix the spare room up for the baby."

"Edward's doing a good job," I smiled slyly and I heard Edward hold in a chuckle. Charlie raised his eyebrows.

"Is that right?"

"Trying to, sir. But Bella can be pretty stubborn, as I'm sure you know."

"Oh that I do, Edward, that I do. Every since she was a little girl she had an iron-will the likes I'd never seen. The most hard-headed police officer had nothing on our little Isabella Marie. Drove her mother and I crazy trying to get her to take her Flintstone's vitamin every morning."

"Hey those things were gross. They tasted like colored chalk," I huffed.

"I can help with the spare room, Chief Swan. If you need the help, that is, not to say you can't do it but...I'd like to help."

"Oh yeah?" Charlie wiped his palm down his mustache and sighed. "No offense Edward, but I don't see you as the handyman type."

"_Dad_," I scolded. "Don't be rude." I linked my arm with Edward's and pulled him towards the door. I didn't like how my dad automatically assumed that Edward couldn't help. Shit, now I was getting all Mama Bear and Edward's like, my cub or something deranged like that. Edward opened the door for me and turned to my father before he left.

"I renovated the first apartment I lived in when I moved to Boston. It was a shit hole but the building had character and there was a great park down the street. It took me two months but I worked on it every day – just me. And when I moved out they sold it for triple what I paid. I can show you pictures."

There was glee and a sense of pride in Edward's voice and I knew he wasn't annoyed or angry with my dad for blowing him off. It actually sounded like he was getting a kick out of selling himself.

"Is there anything you _can't_ do?" I asked as we walked to the car. Edward opened my door for me and then walked to the driver's side.

"Ummm," he thought, putting his seatbelt on. "Hmm. Yes. There is one thing. I can't get pregnant. But if I could, I'd rock at it." he winked at me and fished his keys out of his pocket.

"I don't see how I'm supposed to eat dinner with your parents after that."

"After what? With Charlie? Eh, I was just trying to be polite. I figured he'd say no to dinner, and even if he said yes, I'm telling you my mom made a feast. "

"Not that-"

"The handyman comment?" Edward laughed. "I'm not offended, believe me. Why should he think I can do any of that stuff? He knows who I am, who my parents are, where I live, what we all do. He probably thinks growing up I had someone hold my dick for me while I took a piss."

"No _not Charlie," _I laughed. "I'm talking about...y'know..._us_." I smoothed my skirt over my legs, immediately nervous about bringing up what happened in my room.

"Ahh right. Gotcha. _Us_." He smiled into his shoulder and started up the Audi. "Don't worry, Bella. I can keep a secret if you can. I don't think my mom wants to hear about the amazing head I got tnight."

"Or how good you taste. Mmm should I say, Heyyyy Mrs. Cullen, you wouldn't happen to have any salad dressing that tastes like Edward's cum, would ya? Cuz I just had a mouthful of it and it's delish."

Edward's mouth fell open at that and I swear to god he looked like he'd been stunned by a taser. He had no comeback at all for that one. Bella Swan FTW. I sat back in victory and rested my head against the soft leather seat.

...

Edward was not even exaggerating. His mother had cooked a goddamn Medieval Times-sized feast. Holy fucking crap I'd never seen so much food in one place before. The entire living room table was crowded with bowls of all shapes and sizes filled with vegetables and salad and rice and soup. The plates had been set and were already piled with bread and meat. An entire ham sat partially carved in the center of the table. Dr. Cullen's sleeves were rolled up and he placed the fucking machete-sized knife down and greeted us with open arms. Mrs. Cullen appeared from one of the many doorways that led into the massive dining room. She was talking out loud into her Bluetooth.

"That will decided when we get to trial. See you in court," were her final words and she tossed the ear piece into an empty bowl on the mantle.

"Forgive me," she smiled, taking me into a weak hug. "I'm so glad you could make it, Bella dear."

We took our seats and dug in, making pleasant small talk as we chewed. Edward's hand skimmed across my thigh more than once and I masked the groan at the feel of his his touch as a groan at the taste of the food.

It was a bittersweet moment for Esme. Having Edward and I there filled up a few of the spaces, but her watery were still filled with longing every time she looked across the dinner table at the empty seats where the rest of her family once sat.

"So, Bella," Dr. Cullen began, taking a sip of wine. "Edward told me you had a doctor's appointment today."

"Yes, I did. Blood work again. My levels were a little high last time."

"Nothing to worry about I'm sure. Your body is merely adjusting to its environment."

"That's what Dr. Travers said. They just want to keep an eye on my sugar and blood pressure."

"Very wise. Moderate workouts are also a good idea. In your free time you could-"

"Mike Newton promoted Bella to assistant manager," Edward announced abruptly, cutting off his dad's line of questioning.

"Is that right?" Dr. Cullen said with a smile.

"Yes," I replied, embarrassed by the sudden attention I was getting. "No heavy lifting though. _More hours, more money, no lifting_." I tried to make a joke out of Mike's mantra but it fell flat as soon as it escaped my mouth. I guess you had to be there to witness Mike practically break into song after I agreed to take the job.

"Has your mother been to visit, dear?" Esme asked out of the blue. The question caught me off guard and for some inexplicable reason I thought I might burst into tears right there at the table.

"No, she hasn't, Mrs. Cullen." I shifted a micrometer in my seat but Edward picked up on my uneasiness. Out of the corner of my eye I saw shoot her an irritated "what the fuck did you say that for" look.

"I didn't mean to sound harsh, Bella. I'm merely, surprised. It hasn't been that long since- well, you know better than anyone, and you've been in Forks a few months now without any real guidance or support. It seems, odd, that's all."

"My mom - she, um," and now it was time to start with the excuses, just like I'd been doing my whole life. _Where's your mom, Bella? Why didn't she come to graduation or your recital? Why didn't she stay longer at your reception?_

_She's busy. Phil had a game. He got traded. He got injured and she needed to be with him.  
_

"She lives in Jacksonville, mom," Edward growled. "Leave it be."

But she didn't.

"Has she seen you since she found out about your pregnancy?"

I shook my head and looked down to my plate; my cheeks burning. If I could have crawled into my bowl of French Onion soup I would have gladly drowned.

"_Mom_," Edward scolded harshly. "_Stop_."

"What? ...Edward, a girl needs her mother at a time like this. I know Chief Swan thought he was doing the right thing by taking her in, but he's never home and God knows the uncertainty that the life of a police officer brings, even in a small town."

"Where the hell is all this coming from?" Edward snapped, standing up and tossing his linen napkin to the table. "Is this why you asked us to dinner?" Edward glared at his father with betrayal in his eyes. "To make leading comments and remind Bella of all the shit she's had to deal with? Jesus Christ."

"It's alright, Edward." I pulled on the hem of his shirt to get him to sit down.

"Edward, sit down," Dr. Cullen ordered.

"Why? So you can sling a few _more _barbs at her?" he downed his glass of wine in one gulp and took my hand, pulling me up from the table. I pushed my chair back and followed him out of the room, managing to get out a, "Thank you very much for dinner," before we were out of earshot.

Charlie was gone by the time we returned to the house. I put the kettle on and put some ready made cinnamon rolls in the toaster oven. Edward was in the living room, leafing through a magazine. He'd been quiet ever since we left the house. He hadn't said a word in the car. He'd put his hand on my knee a few times before he had to take it away to shift gears but every time he opened his mouth to speak, he closed it and turned up the radio.

I set a mug of steaming English Breakfast in front of him and curled next to him on the couch. He took a sip and hummed his approval.

"I'm so sorry you had to hear that, Bella," he said softly. he put the magazine down and turned to me. "I don't know what came over them."

"It's fine, Edward." I thumbed circles over his soft knuckles and he took my small hand in both of his. "They weren't trying to hurt me. Not on purpose anyway."

"I don't care. My father's a doctor. My mother's a lawyer. They knew exactly what they were doing. You're not one of her fucking clients."

"They're just being protective of you. I understand that now. You're their baby. Your mother would stand in front of a train for you and your father would bust a cap. It's instinct. I'm starting to feel that set in, too." I rubbed my belly and Edward's eyes followed the patterns my hand made. He placed his palm on top of mine and when I moved mine away, his stayed, gently rubbing my little bump.

"They think I'm using you."

"Oh yeah? Using me for what?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and a flick of his pink tongue across his bottom lip. My stomach flipped flopped like a damn fish out of water.

"Oh you know," I waved my hand in the air. "To take my mind off the fact that I'm a recent _widow_ recently pregnant with her late husband's child. The usual," I laughed. I _laughed_. I was _laughing_ again. It felt _so good_ to laugh. "They think it's weird or maybe even wrong that I'm happy."

"Hmm," he sighed contemplatively. Pausing for a moment he sighed again, deeper than before, and then dazzled me once more with those glittery green eyes.

"And what do _you_ think?"

"What do I think?" I repeated.

"That's what I said," he grinned and I melted a little bit more.

"I see how it might appear like I'm using you. But no, Edward. I'm absolutely not. I genuinely love spending time with you. You've become-" My throat suddenly closed and I choked on the last word. Edward cocked his head to the side and eyed me curiously. Oh god was I going to cry _again _without warning? How embarrassing. I took a deep breath and finished my thought. Edward deserved to know what he meant to me.

"You've become very important to me, Mr. Cullen."

He was more than my friend. I had friends. Being with them _never_ felt like being with Edward.

"Do _you_-?" I pointed at him in case he thought I might be addressing someone else in the empty living room.

"Do I what?"

The tears were coming and concentrating on holding them back took all my focus. I couldn't talk.

I sucked my lip into my mouth and silently begged him to read my mind.

"Do _I_ think you're using me?" he asked. I nodded and put my finger to my nose.

He laughed heartily and offered his fingertips to wipe away my tears.

"No, Bella. I don't think you're using me." He shifted closer so our legs and shoulders were touching and his lips were mere centimeters from mine. He cupped my chin in his palm. I inhaled the sweet scent of his skin and looked up at him with heavy lidded eyes. He leaned in even further and his breath wafted across my lips as he spoke.

"Even if you _were..._" His voice was syrup and lava and I could taste the mint and wine on his breath. "I'd let you."

The natural response of any hot-blooded woman when confronted with Edward Cullen and the implied knowledge that he'd like to do dirty, yet sweet, things to your body and soul would be to kiss him or hold him or fuck him if you were bold...it would NOT be to blurt out the first grammatically incorrect drivel that, even though you'd really been wanting to ask him for awhile now, replaces the slightest chance to express any _real _emotion.

"WillyougotoBenandAngela'sweddingwithme?"

_"Please say yes."_

The other bit was to myself but as soon as the words were out, I heard them and realized I said them out loud.


	16. In between the seasons

_Time, follow me for for awhile, you're my old way out_

_Nothing like the time spent in between the seasons_

_Now I'm a sleeping dawn_

_Feeling like I'm caught up with another address_

_I can feel the cold_

_All that I've wanted_

_All that I've ever known_

_In a way I'll never relate..._

_- **In the Meantime**_**, Port O'Brien**

**BPOV**

"Crazy granola hiking _freaks_," I bitched under my breath, cashing out the register and slinging my messenger bag over my shoulder. All day long it had been nothing but,_ Excuse me miss do you have these boots in a 9? No, in a 10? Hmm, they still don't fit. How about a10 and ½? That's strange, I've always been a size 9, could you check again?_

Maybe that's because you've got giant elephant-sized hooves and shouldn't be trodding up the side of a mountain in bulky Timberland's where you will eventually be stranded leaving my father with the responsibility of scaling the cliff side to get your gorilla-ass down safely, you annoying twat!

Ugh I was _so_ over people today. Luckily the new girl, Maggie, was coming in which meant Mike _wouldn't_ be coming in which meant I could sneak out early. My feet were killing me from being on them since 8am four days in a row and I just wanted to take a long hot bath and go to bed.

Maggie was my first new hire as assistant manager and I think I made the right decision. Summer meant that the store was busier than usual with tourists and bored high school kids, making it necessary to hire extra help and Maggie was the only applicant willing to work Saturday nights and Sunday mornings back to back; in fact, she offered to work Friday nights as well if we needed her. Bonus points for the Magster. Her new nickname.

During her interview I found out that she's part Quilieute and the familiar pang of loss stabbed me between my ribs. I should have known. _Just look at her_. Dark black eyes with only the slightest difference between iris and pupil. Like Jake's eyes. Jet black hair, thick and shiny. Just like Jake's hair. Caramel skin, warm and supple without a blemish in sight. Just like Jake's skin. Gleaming white teeth and a sincere smile. ...Yep. Like his. I choked back the inevitable tears of loss. How unprofessional for your future boss to start crying during your interview, right? Not the foot I wanted to start off on with Miss Trimble. Margaret Trimble - the product of an oopsie encounter between her Native American father and Caucasian mother - she was shy at first, but once I told her that my husband was also Quilieute she opened up and shared her story briefly. Her father, already being married to a prominent female member of the tribe, refused to acknowledge her as his child and given the saddened expression that crossed her face when she mentioned it, she's stopped trying to change his mind. She lives with her mother on the outskirts of town, not far from Edward's road at the bottom of the mountain. Next year she'll be a senior at Forks High and is working her butt off to save money for college. She's a good one in my book and I gave her the job on the spot without consulting Mike.

"Hi Miss Swan," Maggie said, opening her employee locker and stuffing her bag inside. "Or is it Mrs. Black?" She immediately looked at her hands, clasping and unclasping them nervously. "I'm sorry. It's just that...I heard about your husband. My mother...she told me what happened...she heard from the grocer who heard from..."

I put my hand up to stop her.

"It's ok, Maggie. You don't have to give me the chain of telephone calls. Forks is a small town. My father's the Chief of Police. Word gets around. It's not a secret." I placed my hand on her shoulder to get her to look at me. She did. I smiled down at her. Believe it or not she was shorter than I was by two inches.

"My husband was killed in a car accident in the spring," I said without flinching. "We lived in Phoenix. After he died, I moved back here. To, I dunno, get away, start fresh, call it whatever you like. I think the rumors call it _running away_."

"But aren't you...?" She batted her eyes and they landed on my swollen belly sticking out over the waistband of my ugly khaki's. Seems like it was time to get maternity clothes after all. Hiding under bigger sizes of the Newton's uniform was doing nothing but making me look like a tent.

"Pregnant? It's not a curse word, you can say it out loud. ...Yes, I'm pregnant. ...Yes, it's his."

"Con_gratulations_," Maggie replied hesitantly. "And I'm sorry for your loss.

"Thank you and thank you. I'm due in December if you're interested in getting me a baby gift," I teased. "Now get to work. I'm leaving you in charge. Cash out and close up the way we went over last week, ok?"

"Yes ma'am."

I handed her the receipts from the afternoon, fresh register paper, and the keys to the front door.

"I'm off. Call me if anything explodes. ...Oh and Mags," I turned on my heel and smiled over my shoulder. "It's _Bella_."

...

Driving home I thought about my brief conversation with Maggie and hoped that I hadn't come across too stern or cold. She was the friendliest sweetest soul I had met..._since Edward_...in a long time and there was a part of me that wanted to be a mentor to her, a female other than her mother that she could talk to and confide in.

I made a mental note to work on my behavior and to take Maggie under my wing.

There was an extra car in the driveway when I pulled up to my house and my heartbeat picked up when I realized it was Edward's. Not his Audi, but the Land Rover I had seen parked half on the grass and half on the driveway the last time I had been to the Cullen house.

_Edward was here. What was Edward doing here? How long had he been here? How did he get in? Why didn't he tell me he was coming?_

All these questions and more spun through my head as I entered the house.

"Hellooo?" I called up to the second floor, hanging my keys on the hook by the door.

There was that damn pull in my chest again. It meant Edward was near.

Music floated down from the upstairs; the radio, and then a commercial for Scotts Lawn Care Products. I grinned like an idiot at Christmas and reached for the banister only to be startled by a sudden commotion behind me. I spun around to face it head on.

"Hey Bellers."

It was Emmett, kicking open the screen door and letting it slam behind him. "I see you're still driving around in the truck that time forgot," he laughed heartily. He was wearing a white wife-beater and blue basketball shorts that hung past his knees.

"Har har, Em," I smirked, dismissing his diss. It was too hard to give Emmett an attitude. Those dimples wouldn't let me. "It's good to see you, too. You scared the crap out of me. Whatcha doin here?"

"Helping Edward. He's making me his bitch all day. Running errands, moving boxes, carrying crap outside, carrying different crap inside."

It was then I noticed Emmett was carrying two heavy paint cans in each hand with no visible sign of effort on his part save for the visible flexion of the muscles in his forearms. Impressive. Emmett was stockier, more muscular than Edward but with a teddy-bear quality that made you want to hug him the moment you laid eyes on him. His jet black hair was the perfect contrast to his crystal blue eyes. They swirled like the ocean on a sunny day. So blue you could almost see through them into his brain. Seriously. They were mesmerizing. I can understand now how Rosalie got swept away by him.

"So, uh, where is Edward?" I asked nonchalantly, forcing myself to go into the kitchen instead of running up the stairs like a puppy to find him. Emmett put the paint cans on the bottom step and followed me as he talked.

"In the new man-cave turned baby-room. He's doing an awesome job, B. I think you're really gonna like it. We spent most of the day clearing it out so we could tear up that old-ass shag carpet. Charlie had _so _much crap in there, you don't even wanna know. It was like an episode of _That 70's Show_. You want a board game? Seriously, any board game? Cuz I think Charlie has one of every one ever made. Life, Candyland, Clue, Risk, Chutes and Ladders, Monopoly, Connect Four – he said I could keep that one."

I giggled at Emmett's child-like enthusiasm for toys. "What did you do with all of it?"

"Piled it in the backyard. Don't worry, Charlie knows. He was here helping us until he got called to the station. You can look through it if you want. See if there's anything you want to keep before we haul it to the dump. Y'know, if you wanna teach the baby how to play Jenga or fucking Uno."

I laughed and poured a glass of water for myself and one for Em. I gulped it down thirstily, not realizing how parched I was. It was uncharacteristically hot for a summer day in Forks, with the temperature hovering near 80.

"How was work?" Emmett asked after he'd polished off his entire glass in one chug.

"Oh, y'know, mind-blowing," I rolled my eyes and Emmett laughed out loud, crossing his arms across his broad chest.

"I should bring Edward some water," I said, reaching into the cupboard for another glass.

"Mmhmm. ...I'm sure he'd like that," he grinned mischievously, glaring at me from the tops of his eyes.

I took my hand out of the cupboard and put it on my hip. "What's that supposed to mean? Did you just _wink _at me?"

"Maybe." His dimples were in full effect now. "What's going on with you two anyways? You're like this non-couple that acts like a couple, but isn't, but then kinda is..."

"We do not act like a couple."

"Yeah you do."

"No we don't and how would you know?"

"Uhhh these things in my head called _eyeballs_?" He poked his thick finger into the corner of one big eye. "They have this power that relays images to my brain and then my brain forms opinions and conclusions based on those images. For example, the image of you on Edward's lap with your hands in his hair and your tongue in his mouth followed by the image of the two of you leaving hand in hand. My _opinion_ while it was happening is that you wanted to fuck his brains out, and the conclusion of you two leaving the room served to solidify that opinion.

My mouth hung open like a cod fish. I'd never heard Emmett talk that much in one breath before and the fact that mine and Edward's little birthday party display caught the attention of everyone in attendance flamed by cheeks a burning shade of red.

"Oh don't get all girlified on me. Your face is gonna melt off if you keep blushing like that. I don't care if you're butt-fucking on a daily basis. Makes no difference to me. I'm all about my new homeboy getting the goods. It's just that I can't pry anything resembling a confirmation out of Edward and I got Rosalie Skype-ing me every night and interrogating me like she works for fucking Access Hollywood."

OH! That reminded me – I needed to install Skype on my laptop so I could talk to Alice. Although she was doing just fine conducting interrogations of her own via email which I was dodging like Neo in the Matrix.

"Hey aren't you going to Paris soon?"

"Yep...Heading there next week. I'm telling you, Bella, I miss Rosie more than I ever thought I would. It hurts. Y'know? Like a digging pain in my chest. Like a real pain. It's crazy. I've never felt a pain like that in my body before and I've had the flu _bad_. And been in fights where I took hits _hard_. But nothing compares to the way it feels to miss her."

"Those damn Cullen's."

"Hell yeah. They're like genetically engineered by NASA or some shit. For reals, there's something in that gene pool. It's like, spiked with hotness. Even Mrs. Cullen. I'd hit that in a second and come back for more. She's the finest cougar I've ever seen. That ass and have you taken a good look at her _legs_? I have," he whistled.

"Emmett!" I feigned shock. "You're terrible."

"Oh please like you wouldn't give it up to the Doc? He's just an older version of your precious Eddy-poo. Shit if I swung that way I'd have no problem getting on all fours for him. You heard me. His bod is insane. ...I've seen him with his shirt off. In-_sane_."

I was doubled over with laughter at this point, holding on to the counter for support while my belly shook. I had no idea Emmett was this hilarious and he was standing there with a big Cheshire-cat grin on his dimpled face, proud as hell at himself for getting the moody pregnant lady to laugh.

"And I _know_ you're horny," he continued without a second thought to my well being. "Cuz when my sister was pregnant with my nephew, Joey, she was on my brother-in-law's junk like a porn star in heat. Every time you turned around she was humping him or giving him a hand job under the dinner table. It was hella embarrassing. At our Labor Day barbecue last year I caught them fucking in the shed. I needed some coals for the grill, I opened the door and there was my baby sister with her big belly hanging out, straddling Chris on my pop's John Deere riding mower. It's an image I'll never be able to get out of my mind and an experience I'll never be able to fully talk about."

"So what are you trying to tell me, Em? Stay away from your tool shed?"

"What I'm trying to tell you is...look, ok, Chris isn't even all that great looking. He's average, he treats my sister like gold, which is all that matters, but he's not a Cullen. You picking up what I'm putting down? If he looked like Jasper," Emmett raised his eyebrows. "Or _Edward_," he shook his head and cringed. "Oh lawd I don't even wanna _think_ about what my sister would have done to poor E-dog. Thank god she's never met him. He'd probably be paralyzed from the waist down from round-the-clock fucking."

"Well no worries there, Em. Edward and I aren't married." I pulled the hair tie out of my hair and rubbed my scalp. "We're not even dating."

"Doesn't mean you can't fuck."

"Emmett!" I spun around in real shock this time.

"Just saying. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything. We're animals, baby," he winked. "It's in our nature. ...aaand Edward really likes you."

"Y'think?" I blushed. I knew damn well Edward liked me but it was nice to hear it from another guy. Emmett smirked at me with dimples in full force.

"I _know it_. Why the hell else would he be spending one of his last Saturday's as a free man working in your hot as hell spare room – could ya _get_ some AC up in here by the way? - making it all nice and ready for your little bundle? Shit if I were him I'd be out on one of Carlisle's fucking jet skis or motor boats enjoying the summer weather, soaking up the rays. ...Nah, that's not true. If Rose was still here, I'd want to be with her. And _that's _how I know Edward likes you. He'd rather do back-breaking manual labor while you're not even here just so he can see the look on your face when it's done. That's _more_ than like, that's _love._"

And just like that the one and only man in question came bounding down the stairs without warning.

"I thought I heard voices down here," Edward said, rounding the corner slightly out of breath.

Slightly out of breath would have been what I was if I had been able to breathe at all at the sight of Edward standing in my kitchen. I reached for the counter to steady myself.

His hair was wet, soaked with sweat, and it clung to the sides of his face and his forehand in messy waves. When he moved to drag his fingers through the thick strands I saw the plaster caked in between his fingers and under his nails. He was wearing a tight white t-shirt smeared with dirt and grime and whateverthehell else he was working with up there. It too was soaked and sticking to every fucking defined line of muscle in his back and shoulders and torso. And he stood there oblivious to how he looked and the effect it was having on my delicate system. His jeans were dirty, too, and ripped at the pockets. There was a slight hole in the knee and they were cuffed at the bottom. And he was wearing real workboots, not the shitty knock off's we sold at Newton's, but the ones you had to order through a catalog because they were the real deal boots that construction workers wore. You could set off a stick of dynamite in those fuckers and your feet would be more than protected from the blast. And they weren't new either. You could tell. They were splattered with old paint and caked with old mud and old dirt. He'd used them before. Maybe many times. Probably when working on his apartment in Boston. Cuz yeah - He was telling Charlie the truth. Sonuvabitch.

"Hi, Bella," he smiled lazily, running his hand though his hair again, shyly this time. It stood up briefly in wet spikes and then fell. "You're home early."

"Yeah, uh, I guess I am," I mumbled in a trance, too busy staring at the lines that formed around his eyes when he smiled. Edward laughed and his heady scent wafted towards me.

"Do you need to lie down? You look beat."

"I'm a little tired," I whispered breathlessly, unable to take my eyes off him. He took my hand and a look slid across his face – concern and caring mixed with something else. I wobbled in place and his arm jolted out to steady me. It was a natural reaction, I had barely moved, yet he had seen. Sensed, and he was there.

"Whoa. You sure you're ok? You look a little pale." His voice had reached a level that only love sick hound dogs could hear and I let him cradle me in his arms.

"Ooookaaayy on that note," Emmett sighed loudly, rolling his eyes. "Whenever you lovebirds are done acting all weird and 'friends with benefits-y' I'll be upstairs priming the walls. ...Feel free to come help," he said to Edward with a wink. He grabbed the paint cans and took the steps two at a time.

"Friends_ with benefits-y_?" Edward repeated with a curl of his lip. His eyes were on me again and I lit up inside. I felt his arms slack around me and I knew he was testing me to see if I could stand on my own. I poured him a glass of water from the faucet just to have something to do. He took it without looking at it and brought it to his lips.

"He thinks there's something going on with us," I said while I watched him drinking.

He finished and placed the glass on the counter. There was an endless paused and then he spoke.

"What's going on with us?"

"I...I don't know."

No sound except for Edward's breaths in time with my own and I wanted nothing more than to press my head to his chest and listen to his heart beating.

He took a step closer and feathered the back of his fingers across my cheek. He leaned in and into my parted lips he whispered honestly, "Me either."

...

"Edward, my god," I gasped, walking across the hardwood floor in my Old Navy flip flops. "You did all this?"

Edward opened his mouth to speak but was cut to the quick by Emmett.

"Whoa whoa, Eddy-boy, before you go taking all the credit and earning even more points with Bella here, let's not forget who else is standing in this sweltering oven of a room covered in paint and spackle."

Edward chuckled and wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. "I suppose Emmett helped a little," he spoke lightly into my ear.

"A _little_?" Emmett snorted. "Yeah right, bro. You never would have finished this fast without me. Have you forgotten what this hell hole looked like before?"

"I have the pictures to prove it," Edward said, swaying me in his arms. "_And_ when you weren't looking I took a video of you painting with one hand and scratching your ass with the other. Should be up on youtube tomorrow." He laughed and the vibrations from his diaphragm tickled my back.

"Laugh it up, Cullen. You're gonna miss me when I'm not around to do your dirty work for you. Who's going to lug all the baby furniture up that Mt. Everest flight of stairs?" Emmett turned to me with a sly look in his eyes. "Can you see E and Charlie trying to get a crib up in here? I'd have an EMT on site just in case."

"Oh ye of little faith," Edward replied, unfazed by Emmett's ribbing. He gave me a squeeze and released me from his embrace, taking me by the hand and leading me around the room. It appeared to have quadrupled in size since the last time I'd stepped foot inside. Then again, a massive room was probably always hiding underneath Charlie's collections of crap, which now resided in a massive pile in the backyard.

I ran my hand over the sleek wooden windowsill and up the carved molding of the window frame. The walls were painted a plain matte eggshell white. The wood floor had been manually installed, plank by plank, none of that PERGO ready-made crap you buy in Home Depot. Edward and Emmett cut and sized and set and stained every single piece by hand. New windows too. Jeld-Wen, I think. The ones that open like shutters. I picked them out over the ones that slide up and down. And new screens. And a ceiling fan. I really wanted to have the light breeze and the comforting _whirrrr_ of a ceiling fan and Edward had installed it one day while I was in the shower.

Other than that the room was completely bare and beautiful.

"I left the decorating up to you," Edward said, rubbing the pad of his thumb over the inside of my wrist. "I put plain covers over all the light fixtures. That way they'll be easy to take off should you decide to put ones on with Barbie or Rainbow Brite."

"What if it's a boy?"

Edward shrugged and put his hands in the pockets of his beat up jeans. "Nuthin wrong with Rainbow Brite. I would have loved to stare at her hot little ass all day instead of those asshole Transformers."

I laughed and pushed playfully on Edward's chest. He grabbed my hand and brought it to his nose, hovering it there, and I felt him inhale my scent, lightly tracing the tip of his imperfect nose over the thin skin there.

"Do you like it, Bella?" he asked and for a second I thought he meant something other than the room.

"Yes," I murmured. "Very much. I don't know how to thank you. ...I get my commission check tomorrow and I'll give you money to cover the costs-"

"No."

"But Edward," I argued. "The supplies, and your time alone. I can't even begin to imagine how much all of this set you back-"

"I said no. I won't take your money, Bella. Ever."

"I'll take it," Emmett chimed in. Shit I had forgotten he was there. "France is expensive as hell. I might as well wipe my ass with the dollar for all it's worth over there. Plus I'm closing my shop for a month. Hello Brokesville. Oh well, it'll be worth it when I'm kissing my girl on the Eiffel Tower. ...On that note, I'm gonna bounce up outta here. I still have to pack and do all that pre-check-in crap with the airline. Security is a motherfucker these days." Emmett slung his gymbag over his shoulder and I leapt at him, colliding with his iron chest with an oomph. He caught me up in his giant arms and hugged me back.

"Thank you so much for helping, Em. You're the best. Hug Rosalie for me when you see her."

"Oh I'm gonna do more than that when I see her. But yeah, I'll hug her too."

"Pig." I slapped at him playfully. He gave Edward a pound and a bro-hug and then there were two.

"_Emmett's_ the best, huh?" Edward asked, crossing the room towards me with a smirk. The electric pull between us sent shivers down my arms and I waited frozen in place for him to reach me. Each step was torture and when I was in his arms I let out a grateful sigh. His fingers played with the ends of my hair that were draped over my shoulder and I closed my eyes.

"Mmm," I hummed contentedly. "He _was_. At that particular moment. But he's not the best ever by any means."

"Oh yeah? And who's the best ever?" Edward asked in a low, guttural voice, his breath wafting into my nostrils.

"Someone else."

"Uh huh. And is that someone else in this room?"

"He might be."

"So it's a _he_, this mysterious someone?"

"Oh he's _very_ mysterious."

Edward was quiet for a moment, concentrating intensely on the ends of my hair. "I think I might know this someone."

Now his fingertips were caressing my bare shoulder in lazy zigzags across my pale skin. I was coming undone inside and out.

"Oh you do, do you?" I murmured.

"Mmhm, in fact we're _very_ close. You wanna know a secret about him?" he whispered as he pressed his lips to my forehead. I dug my nails into the backs of his arms desperate for the answer.

"_Yes_."

He sighed and held me tighter. "...He's actually_ not_ all that mysterious."

A sharp cry hitched in my throat and I swallowed. I looked away, towards the floor but stopped at the spot where Edward's jeans clung to his hip bones, that sharp angle, and again I was lost. I didn't want to be lost anymore. I wanted him to find me. I needed him to figure out how.

I scraped my fingers down his ribcage, causing him to let out a staggered breath, and whispered into the material of his shirt.

"_I think he is._"

His chest rose and fell with each breath he took and I felt his hands in my hair.

"He doesn't want to be anymore, Bella. He wants to know you. He wants _you_ to know _him_. ...More than anything, that's what he wants."

Edward's fingertips ghosted under my arms.

"Bella, _please_. _Please let me in. Into your head, into your heart. Please. I'll never hurt you. I promise. You've become...special to me...more than special...I feel...I'll give you anything_." After he said my name the rest was spoken so soft, so light, like the draft from a butterfly's wings. I could barely hear him. He continued speaking, trailing off saying what I'm sure were beautiful things and then there was the sound of the front door opening.

Charlie was home.

"_Yoo hoooo?_ Anybody home?"

Huh? It was female.

The door slammed and then the clacking sounds of heels against tile.

_"Isabella?_ I see your truck outside."

I spun around towards the sound of the voice, then back to Edward. The doorway. Then Edward. His questioning eyes.

"_Isabella?_" the voice was clearer now. Unmistakable.

I think my morning sickness was about to make a triumphant return.

Edward held my hand as we walked to the top of the stairs and looked down on a sight I never expected, but was secretly anticipating.

"_Mom_?"


	17. Summer Mood

walking away  
talking all day  
ooh I want you  
ooh I want you  
walking away  
talking all day  
ooh I want you  
ooh I want you  
but there's something about the summer  
there's something about the summer

**BPOV**

Renee stood at the bottom of the staircase looking up at me and then at Edward, who was still holding my hand. She had her Jackie O. sunglasses on and she pushed them to the top of her head.

"Sweetheart!" she exclaimed with a syrupy shriek. "I'm so glad you're home! I was going to drive to the station to find your father, but I forgot how to get there."

I descended the stairs slowly, still attached to Edward who followed closely behind me.

"Hi, mom," I smiled, still sorta stunned that she was here.

"Ohhhh lookit youuuu! you're getting a _belly!_" she cried, coming at me with her hands extended. She placed them on my stomach and felt around over my shirt. There were tears in her eyes.

"My baby's having a baby," she mouthed in a hushed tone as she tried to keep the tears at bay, and all the weeks I spent being mad at her for not coming to see me disappeared. She was a complete flake and I knew that but she was here now and I hugged her and we rocked in place like we always did when we hugged.

Her eyes widened as they processed the being that was Edward standing over my shoulder.

"And who might this young man be?" she asked in my ear. I pulled away and took her hand, turning us around to face him.

"Mom, this is my friend, Edward Cullen. Edward, this is my mom-"

"You can call me Renee," she cooed with a toothy smile.

"It's very nice to meet you," Edward said politely. I gave him a meek '_sorry to spring this on you_' to which he returned with a wink.

"Edward's been redoing the spare room, converting into a nursery for the baby."

Renee looked intrigued. "Isn't that nice of him? I don't envy you that job, Edward. Bella's father was a bit of a pack rat, to put it mildly."

"It was no problem. I enjoyed the work."

"What do you do for a living, Edward?"

"I graduated from medical school in the spring and I'm starting my residency in the fall."

Renee's jaw fell slack and her eyes-dilated.

Uh oh.

"_Really _now? Well that is _very _impressive for such a young man. I always wanted to get into medicine. You seem far too young to be a doctor. The ladies must be breaking down your door to..._ow, Bella_, what was that for? That hurt."

"_Mom_," I scolded under my breath. "_Stop_."

"Oh alright. Excuse me for intruding into your personal life, Edward. I'm embarrassing my daughter. As you can see it doesn't take much."

"It's ok, Mrs. Dwyer," Edward answered, looking at me from the corner of his eye.

"...Mrs. Dwyer," my mother repeated, accentuating the words like she hadn't heard them said in such a way before.

"Bella told me who your husband is. ...I love baseball and Phil's an awesome outfielder, although I'm a pretty rabid Red Sox fan."

"Red Sox? So you're not from the West Coast originally?"

"I am but I went to medical school in Boston."

"Let me guess...Harvard?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, Edward, you continue to impress. If I wasn't happily married I'd be giving Bella plenty more to be embarrassed about." She placed her hand on Edward's forearm.

"Oookayyy," I called out. This needed to stop. "Come on, mom. Let's go to the living room and I'll bring you something to drink."

Mommy dearest conceded and fucked Edward one more time with her eyes.

"Your mom's nice," Edward grinned. The finest of laugh lines appeared in the corners of his twinkling eyes and internal Bella swooned.

"She's a freak. I've never seen her like this. I mean it. I've _never_ seen her act like that before. She's usually pretty reserved. Especially after everything that's happened recently, she's very careful with what she says around me. Everyone is. It's annoying actually. But _that_ was just...wow. Thanks for being a good sport."

"It's nothing new. I have that effect on women," he winked.

"So you're a cougar hunter, eh?" I said, rising on my tiptoes.

"Nah," he cocked his head and ran his hands up the back of my arms. "I prefer their cubs."

...

The urge to sneeze slowly woke me from my dream. The blond-haired little girl and tanned skin little boy kept me company most nights and this time they were playing hide and seek.

I attempted to move but couldn't. Couldn't and had no desire to. I opened my eyes, waiting for the light to pour in. Instead my lashes fanned against soft skin and, when I inhaled, coarse hairs prickled my nose.

That familiar scent. That incomparable warmth. The heavy arm draped over my shoulder that held me to his side. I knew where I was. And Edward was laying next to me. On his back. In my bed. Without a shirt. I don't know why I'm acting surprised. Edward and I had slept in the same bed before and I know from experience that he doesn't wear a shirt to bed.

That's right, _Experience_ and _Edward_ in the same sentence. I pressed my hot, blushing cheek against his already hot body. He was a living furnace. I could feel a thin damp layer of sweat on all exposed portions of my skin. I moved my head a fraction of inch and followed the curve of his chest up his neck and jawline until I found his eyes. They were closed.

"I'm awake," he said throatily, a smile forming in the corner of his mouth. "I see you staring at me."

"I wasn't staring," I said.

"Yes you were. You've been staring at me for thirty-seven seconds. It's cute."

"You're cute."

"Now you're gonna make _me_ blush," he chuckled lightly. His eyes were still closed, his mouth barely moving, his breathing still steady.

"I don't remember going to bed last night," I yawned into his side. His fingertips played along my shoulder.

"You fell asleep on the couch. I carried you upstairs after your mom left."

"Oh that's right. We were watching that boring movie."

"Empire of the Sun is _not_ boring."

"I can't believe Charlie even has that movie in his collection."

"Charlie happens to have impeccable taste."

I laughed out loud at that and nuzzled back into my original sleeping position in Edward's arms.

Renee showed up yesterday. Unexpected and unannounced, even to Charlie, who looked as though he'd seen Bigfoot in the living room sipping a cup of tea.

They were civil at first, which is how it usually started out. Dry pleasantries about the weather or the station. Then one of them dropped a remark that would seem harmless to anyone else but to them was fraught with meaning and repressed aggression. Usually concerning me and more than likely about the baby this time. The tension rose along with their voices and I retreated upstairs to my room and quietly closed the door.

I sat on my bed and called Edward. He answered on the first ring.

"You ok?"

"My parents are fighting. Just like old times."

"What about?"

"Who the fuck knows. I didn't know when I was ten and I don't know now, thirteen years later."

"I guess some things never change. Certain people just aren't meant to be together. They can't get along no matter how hard they try. They can't fake it."

"And they try, believe me."

"I believe you. It's not your fault, Bella. It never was."

"I know." I smiled. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I wish you were still here. At least then I'd have someone to talk to. They could be at it for hours or until one of them storms out. I guess I'll just play my music really loud like I used to when I was a kid."

There was silence on the other end of the line and I wondered if my depressing young adulthood tale had freaked Edward. Then what sounded like a door closing and a cigarette lighting up and then Edward's husky voice.

"I could park my car at the end of your road," he suggested seriously. "Climb out your window and run across the lawn through the trees and I'll pick you up. We'll go the park and make out on the swings. It'll be like we're thirteen all over again."

"Ha yeah except I never snuck out of my house or made out with boys when I was thirteen."

I didn't know what was going on with me and Edward but it was growing. Each time we hung out was more amazing than the last. Hours of talking and laughing, or sometimes it was just the few minutes when I brought him a glass of iced tea or showed him around the garage where Charlie kept his toolbox. We hadn't touched or fooled around since those few times we'd let our guards down. It would be a lie to say I didn't want things to get physical again, because I did. I was human after all and Edward was astonishingly handsome, but he'd been treading very lightly with me lately. It was apparent that someone had spoken to him about...yeah I was going to say it..._us_. And for that I was almost thankful. Finding the words to convey my feelings had never been my strong point. I could blame it on my upbringing, although my mother never seemed to be at a loss for words and my father chose all the right ones when interrogating a suspect. So why wasn't I better at expressing myself?

I knew why.

I never really had to. My life had never been this complicated.

I wanted Edward_ not _to want me. If he didn't want me, then he could go to Boston and live his life and I'd stay here in Forks and live out mine. That's how it was supposed to be. He was top shelf vodka. I was the shit in the well. The few times Edward and I were physical, even though it had felt SO right, it had been a mistake. I was confusing him, using him, leading hm on - all those horrible things that selfish girls do to good boys. And each time I told myself it wouldn't,_ couldn't_, happen again. No matter how strong the pull was. And_ fuck_, the pull was strong. My attraction to him was a gravitational force all its own. So I'd let the summer play out and eventually it would end. It would hurt to see him go, but he would and we'd remain friends. Maybe he'd come back every once in awhile, for holidays, and he'd bring his wife and kids and I'd want to die, but I'd worry about that another day.

My stomach rumbled.

"You haven't eaten anything have you?" Edward asked. The sun was in his eyes but he wasn't complaining. It glinted and refracted off his thick auburn hair. He hadn't had it cut in weeks and it was long and shaggy and in his face and perfect. It was hot today. Edward was wearing a gray t-shirt, which made the sweat under his armpits noticeable. I bit my lip. He caught me looking and smiled.

God he was beautiful.

My appetite had been lost in the house where my parents were fighting, but now that I was outside in the fresh air, it had returned with a vengeance.

"Be right back," he said and in a flash he jumped off the swingset and darted across the grass to his car, returning with a small bundle. I felt my face crease in a goofy smile as he plopped back in his swing and opened the paper bag, handing me a foil square.

I unwrapped it tentatively, my eyes on Edward the whole time. A breeze lifted a few strands of hair from his forehead and he brushed them back with his fingers.

"I made them before I left. Figured your appetite would return once you got out of the house," he shrugged. In our short time as friends, Edward had really begun to know me better than I expected...or even knew myself.

My thumb sunk into something squishy. I pulled it out of the wrapping and examined the contents more closely this time. Perfectly sliced pieces of thick Italian bread slathered with...

"Peanut butter and bananas? You made peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Who are you, _Elvis_?" I laughed in amazement.

Edward laughed back, opening his sandwich and digging in. "Shuffup, you're gonna luff it," he said with his mouth full.

I didn't doubt I would.

There were children playing on the merry-go-round and sliding down the slides and running through the overgrown weeds. Their laughter tinkled and chimed and Edward and I swung listlessly, contentedly, without the need for words.

"The playgrounds in Phoenix are empty in the summer."

"Why's that?"

"Too fucking hot. Most of them are built on pavement and concrete and when the temperature hits 100 your feet stick to the asphalt, like a Bugs Bunny cartoon," I laughed, licking peanut butter from my fingers.

"That sucks," Edward said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Yeah." I took another bite of sandwich and swallowed. It was really fucking good. Creamy peanut butter, not chunky. Good call, Mr. Cullen. And the bananas were sliced so they'd lay flat on the bread. Not in chunky circles that would make the bread all uneven and the pieces fall out from the opposite end when you bit into it.

"You make a mean PB&B, Elvis Aaron," I teased. He snorted a laugh and nodded. It was so much fun to tease Edward. He was an excellent sport. He could dish it _and_ take it. In fact he laughed even harder when you made fun of _him_ than he did when he was making fun of you.

"Edward Anthony," he replied. "We have the same initials. Elvis Aaron, Edward Anthony. E, A."

"Cosmic," I smiled, swinging lightly and looking into his eyes. He looked back into mine and we swung and ate the rest of our sandwiches in silence except for the creaking of the swing set under the weight of us.

I can't ignore it. I couldn't. Something was happening to me. Something was twisting my insides and it wasn't the baby. Was it happening to Edward, too?

I balled up the foil and stuffed it into the brown paper bag. I held it out to Edward and he stuffed his balled up wad of foil in the bag and took it from me. He stood and walked to the wastebasket and dumped out trash.

"That was delicious. Thank you, Edward. For thinking of me."

"No problem. It was easy." He smiled and walked behind me out of my line of sight. Seconds later I felt his hands on either side of me, grabbing the chains of my swing. He pushed me, lightly, and I pumped my legs. My skirt flapped in the breeze. I squeezed my thighs together to hold it down. It was exhilarating, the wind in my face, the force of gravity pulling me back to Earth, Edward's hands there to catch me every time. Once I got going, higher, higher, he moved out from behind me and let me pump on my own. He stood off to the side and watched me with his hands behind his back and a smile on his face. I wanted to stay in the sky forever. Each time gravity pulled me down, I forced myself against it, back up into the sky. Once again fighting against a pull that I was ultimately powerless against.

Growing tired I let my legs fall limp and eventually I slowed to a stop, pushing my feet into the dirt.

"The ice cream truck is here," Edward said, walking towards me. He brushed my hair from my face. My forehead was all sweaty and gross but he didn't seem to mind.

"Oh my God, I'd kill for a Rocket Pop," I moaned. Edward gave me an eyebrow raise that looked like a dare and held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me off the swing and lead me in the direction of the truck. There was a short line of little kids, some alone, some with their parents, and we got on the end and waited our turn.

"Rocket pop, please," I said, handing the old man a dollar bill. He smiled at me and handed me the pop.

"Here you go, pretty lady. And for you, sir,'" he said to Edward.

"Um, I'll have a blue slush puppy and a Choco Taco."

"Mmm, I'm totally having a bite of that," I said.

"No way. Not unless I get to suck on your pop."

"Edward Anthony! Not in front of the children!" I squealed and immediately busted out laughing. One lady in line was looking at Edward and licking her lips like she'd push her child into traffic without a second thought for a chance to suck on his pop. I giggled even louder and leaned into Edward's chest. God I felt like I was drunk. As drunk as a pregnant lady was capable of feeling. Being with Edward, shit, it was intoxicating. He broke his taco in two and gave me the bigger half.

"Thanks, Edward," I said sincerely. "You're the most decent man I know."

"You're not so bad yourself, Bella."

We made out way back to car slurping on our pop and slushy. Charlie's cruiser was gone when we pulled into my driveway.

Edward came around to my side and opened my door. He held out his hand for the second time that day and for the second time I extended mine and took it.

"Will you stay?" I asked when we got to the front door.

"If you want me to."

"I want you to."

"Then I'll stay."

And he had. It was why I was waking up in his arms.

"Bella, there you are!" my mom had screeched when she heard the screen door slam behind us. She tore down the hall like a swarm of vultures and looked me up and down.

"We were worried sick, you're father and I!"

She grabbed me in a hug and squeezed me dramatically. _And the Academy Award for Biggest Unnecessary Guilt Trip goes to..._

"Where _is_ Char-...dad?" I asked calmly. Edward's hand was comforting, lightly pressed on the small of my back.

"He got called to the station...suddenly," she mumbled with a hand flail.

_Yeah right_, I thought. Charlie had used the old "emergency at the station" to extricate himself from arguments with my mother more times than I could count.

Once she'd calmed and finished blotting tissues under her mascaraed eyes, we ate microwave dinners at the kitchen table. I was in no mood to cook and Renee had exactly _zero_ culinary skills that didn't involve pressing buttons. Edward offered to whip something up, which I know he could do – he was like MacGyver in the kitchen – but I insisted he sit and eat veggie lasagna Lean Cuisine's with me. He, of course, acquiesced to my request.

Edward and Renee shared the one bottle of wine we had in the house and I sipped from a glass of sweet tea minus the vodka. Renee was totally smitten with Edward. Totally and completely and Edward let it happen, laughing at her jokes and asking her more questions than I could keep track of.

Renee suggested we watch a movie, and even though he looked exhausted, Edward agreed. _Just so he could spend more time with me_, I let myself think.

Which brings us up to present. I apparently fell asleep on the couch half an hour into Christian Bale's debut as the cutest cutie little boy on Earth. My mom took off to her hotel - there was no way in hell she would stick around for Charlie's return from the station - and Edward carried me upstairs and put me to bed.

"I'm glad you stayed," I said, slipping my arm across Edward's tummy and giving him a tiny hug. I felt his stomach muscles tense under my touch.

"My pleasure. Oh and just so you know, I undressed you with the lights off. Soooo I didn't _see_ you naked, but_ technically_ you were...naked...on the bed...with me," he laughed nervously.

I rolled over and propped myself on my elbows. The acrid smell of boy-sweat hung heavy in the air all around me when I realized I was wearing Edward's gray t-shirt from the day before. Pulling up the covers, I stared down at my bare legs. I winced in horror. _Oh god I should have shaved. He saw my bristly legs..._

Edward immediately started to stammer out an explanation. "I didn't want to rummage through your drawers to find where you keep your pajamas, so I took my shirt off and put it on you. And I took your jeans off and left you in your underwear."

"You took my bra off?"

"I didn't touch you, I swear. And I couldn't see anything. I didn't want to wake you. ...I'm sorry. I totally understand if you feel violated and want to press charges. I'll go quietly. No handcuffs necessary. In fact, I'll go confess to Chief Swan right-"

That's when I kissed him. Screw the morning breath. He needed to be kissed.

"Shut up," I muffled into his surprised mouth, climbing in between his legs. I let my tongue graze his pouting bottom lip and he parted them both to let me in. We kissed softly, languidly, with tongues and teeth, nips and sucks and hums and our scantily clad bodies pressed tightly together. Edward just in boxers, me in not much more, his hands were resting on the dip just above my ass cheeks and I could feel his erection thickening under my stomach. He started laughing into my mouth and I knew he knew I knew.

"I can't help it. You can't get mad. I'm a guy. It's morning. You're laying on top of me half naked. What do you expect?"

"This," I breathed across his gorgeous face. "This is exactly what I expect." I rolled my hips over his hardness and he let out a low moan and crunched his eyes shut.

"_Bella. You're killing me_."

I hummed and trailed wet kisses down his neck and chest. I'd nearly slid halfway down the length of his torso when I felt his hands grab my hipbones and pull me back up. His eyes were greenish-black like a swirling cauldron.

"If you wouldn't mind," he panted, kneading the dough of outer thighs. "I'd like to go first."

"Go...first?" I asked and before I could say another word we'd switched positions. I was on my back and he was in between my legs, hovering over me, the ends of his long bangs tickling my forehead.

He nodded his glorious head into the crook of my shoulder and I dragged my fingers through his hair. It made him moan. "I want to get you off first."

Oh. My.

But, selfish hormonal me, remember? _ I_ wanted to taste him. It sounds depraved but I realllly wanted to have him, all however lots of inches of him, in my mouth. I wanted to suck him and lick him and make him come. His face was so pretty when he came.

"Don't look so disappointed," he sniffled along my collarbone. "You'll get your turn. Eventually."

"Eventually?" I wriggled impatiently, grinding my pubic bone into his cock.

"Mmhmm," he stutter-sang against my skin. "I plan on taking my time with you. Unless you have somewhere else you'd rather be?"

"No!" I cried out, a little louder than I meant to and a wide grin spread across his face.

"Good." And with that he hooked his thumbs under the thin waistband of my panties and pulled them down my legs with one tug.

"That was easy," he laughed, spinning them around his index finger. He brought the soaking wet crotch to his nose and inhaled noisily.

"Ahhh Jesus, that's heavenly," he muttered and flung them to the floor.

"Edward Anthony...did you just_ lick _the inside of my panties?"

"Maybe," he said cheekily, waggling his devilish eyebrows. "See you in a bit," and he disappeared under the sheets.

Oh fuck. I was fucked. Literally.

* * *

**the lyrics at the top are from the song Summer Mood, by Best Coast. FUN BAND.**


	18. Sanctuary

In every heart there is a room  
A sanctuary safe and strong  
To heal the wounds from lovers past  
Until a new one comes along

**EPOV**

"Edward," my mother said, poking her head into my room.

I sat at the end of my bed texting a message to Bella.

"The car service is here to take you to the airport, sweetie."

"Thanks, mom," I said without looking up.

"Need help with your bags, son?" my dad asked as he walked me to the car.

"Nah, I didn't pack very much. It's going to be a short trip. I need to be back by Friday. I'm taking Bella to Ben Cheney's wedding."

"Ben _Cheney?_ Guy Cheney's son? Well, I'll be damned. He's getting married? He's younger than you are!"

"Yes. Yes he is, dad. By two whole years." I rolled my eyes. Why don't I just put an ad in the supermarket register for a fucking mail order bride?

My father held up his hands in mock surrender. "I know I know. I promised, not another word about your affairs. I mean your _personal_ life. When I was young we called them _affairs_. You can't say that word now. It has a whole different meaning," he said, running his hand through his wavy golden hair.

"It's ok, dad," I smiled, patting him on the back. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yep my flight leaves at the crack of dawn. Your mother is _thrilled_ about that. Detect my sarcasm? ...I'm sorry you won't be attending Dr. Denali's reception but I'm sure you'll have a nice time at the wedding...with Bella."

"_Dad_," I growled in irritation.

"What? Geez. You're so sensitive when it comes to her. I apologized for interfering, didn't I? But you're still my son and that allows me to take certain liberties with you for the rest of my life whether you like it or not. You'll understand when you have children. Now off you go."

The cross-country flight was uneventful. I spent most of its duration staring into the seat in front of me and thinking. First-Class flight attendants occasionally stopped by and asked me if I needed anything but I shook my head politely and went back to staring. Every now and then I'd bring the tips of my fingers to my nose and inhale, desperate for a reminder, but there was no scent of her left on them. I slid my tongue over my teeth and swallowed, but the taste of her was gone.

Going down on Bella. I hadn't intended to. I'd been doing my best to keep the temptation, the desire to touch her, at bay. If I concentrated and made a concerted effort, I could be around her, smell her, feel the breeze she left in her wake waft over me, even smell her breath when she talked or laughed, I could resist the urge to reach out and pull her towards me, to invade her mouth with my lips and tongue, to paw at her, to pull at her clothes and grind my body into her smooth flesh. These things I had forced myself to learn to control. But that was before the park and the swings and the ice cream truck and the microwave dinners and carrying sleeping Bella up the stairs in my arms and putting her to bed. I couldn't leave so I took my clothes off and got climbed in next to her and woke to our bodies intertwined. She needed only to sigh into my skin and my walls came crumbling down.

In my weak defense, she kissed me first. And she'd given me amazing head twice. It was only fair to return the favor and to keep returning it until we both fell back to sleep. She tasted heavenly. Her folds parted and my tongue slid through her wetness with ease. It didn't feel like the first time. It felt like I belonged in between her legs, like I'd been there before but had developed amnesia and was, at last, given my memory back. The skill was innate in me. I knew how to please her. I knew what to do. When to suck, when to lick, when to stop and blow on her clit to calm her, when to start back up again, when to use my fingers, when to let my moans vibrate against the walls of her pussy. She nearly snapped my neck with the force of her thighs as her climax overtook her and her juices spilled forth as she cried out in pleasure, fisting the sheets and calling out my name in song.

I asked the flight attendant for a Jack and Coke and I leaned my head back against the seat and thought about that moment.

We woke up again to the sound of Charlie's cruiser pulling out of the driveway. It was obvious he knew I'd stayed over. My car had been parked at the end of the driveway all night, yet he hadn't come upstairs to kill me. Granted he wouldn't have wanted his only daughter and unborn grandchild to be caught in the crossfire but he could have dragged me into the front yard and smashed the butt of his revolver into my skull a couple dozen times. But he didn't say a word. He let me live. Bella didn't mention it either but I knew she was thinking the same thing, smiling at me dreamily as we walked downstairs to make breakfast.

Renee showed up a few moments after we'd cleaned up the kitchen with an entire itinerary planned for her and Bella that would keep them busy most of the day. My heart sank a bit to know that I wouldn't be invited along, but that's as it should be. They deserved and needed this time together. I smiled at Bella and kissed the top of her head.

"Go on now. It's time to do girl things."

"I'll call you when I get back," she said, squeezing my hand "I want to see you before you leave."

I forced a smile. We'd been dancing around the fact that I was leaving for Boston for days now. Neither of us wanted to acknowledge the inevitable reality that was slowly approaching. Day by day it crept closer. This visit to the East Coast wasn't the final leave but it was the one right before. This visit finalized the final departure and once it was done there'd be no denying that the next time I left I'd be leaving to stay.

...

Tanya met me at Logan. I told her I could take a cab but she insisted on picking me up. Exiting the aircraft with the rest of the passengers, I could already feel the difference in the air. I was back in the city I called home for four years. My shoulders tensed, my heart rate sped, my eyes darted warily from side to side. The calm serenity that had soothed my weary bones was replaced with the high octane energy of a bustling metropolis.

"_Eddieeee!_!"

The high-pitched call of my name echoed across the terminal. My eyes followed it's trajectory and landed on Tanya racing through the crowd towards me. She was wearing a pink off the shoulder shirt and shorts and held the hand of another girl she dragged along behind her.

"Where's your father?" she asked out of breath when she finally reached me.

First thing I noticed about her...She was tan.

"He's taking a later flight."_ And_ staying at a hotel _and_ not giving me any more crap about my personal life, thank you very much.

"Oh bummer. How was your flight?" she exclaimed, launching herself into my arms. The hug was brief yet she somehow managed to knock both carry-on's off my shoulders.

"Shit, sorry, Eddie," she frowned while I readjusted my bags. "Your hair got long. Wow! I've never seen it so long!"

"And I've never seen _yours_ so _blonde_," I countered, visibly taken aback by the change it brought to her sharp features.

"I bleached it," she said, twirling a piece around her finger. "Do you like it?"

"I dunno yet. It makes you look...different."

"I know. I cried when I first saw it, but now I kind of like it. Eddie, this is my friend Kate. She's an intern in the Ortho Trauma ward at the hospital. You'll probably see her around from time to time. She just moved here from Phoenix."

"_Phoenix?_" I blurted out like the word had grown fists and punched me in the stomach. Tanya looked at me strangely.

"Uh, _yeah_, why? Is that bad?" she laughed weakly.

"No I just, uh, didn't expect you to say that..." I let the rest of the garbled sentence scatter to the breeze. Tanya shrugged off my weirdness and continued with her introduction.

"She's a total master at interior design, too. Just _wait_ til you see how she helped decorate the apartment!"

"It's nice to meet you, Eddie," Kate said sweetly.

"Edward," I corrected, shaking her small hand.

"Sorry?"

"My name's Edward."

"But everyone calls him Eddie," Tanya chimed in.

"No they don't. You're the only one."

"Oh," she deflated. "I thought..."

"It's ok, Tan. See, I just shortened your name. We're even," I smiled, trying to make light of it. We headed out of the terminal and I relished in the hustle and bustle of the airport to drown out the awkwardness of the moment.

Kate linked her arm through Tanya's and pulled her close as they walked in front of me.

"Your boyfriend's hot," she whispered not so quietly.

I waited for the inevitable response to that statement, which should have been, _He's not my boyfriend_. But instead Tanya giggled, nudged closer to Kate's ear and whispered,

"Told ya."

The car ride from the airport was filled with chatter – Tanya and Kate mostly, while I sat in the backseat buckled in like their child. I congratulate Tanya on the success of her research paper which summoned a tidal wave of squeals and laughter that lasted until we pulled into the parking lot of the building where we'd be living.

...

"And in the kitchen I thought marble countertops would look best. They're fake marble but doesn't it look real?" Tanya rattled on, giving me the full run down on every appliance known to man.

"Stainless steel fridge and dishwasher. Toaster with wide grills so you can put bagels in there. I know you love toasted bagels," she winked at Kate, who stifled a giggle.

OK seriously? What the fuck was going on? Every two seconds with their shared glances and knowing head nods; like they were communicating in a secret language all their own. Like fucking dolphins. I felt left out; not that I cared but the looks and nods were about me so it'd be nice to know what they were saying.

"Toasted bagels are nice," I agreed.

"In the pantry we've got a steamer for your suits and my dresses, an iron for your shirts and my blouses. And here's the bathroom. I left one half of the medicine cabinet for your things but we can always add shelves on this wall. There's an organizer in the shower and the towels are in the linen closet in the hall."

"Wow, Tanya, you really thought of everything. I'm impressed. Thank you for doing all this." I meant it. This was a lot of work; moving two people into an empty unfurnished apartment, especially when one of them was on the other side of the country and not helping at all.

"And thank you, Kate, for your help as well," I added.

"Are you kidding? This is a girl's dream," she laughed.

"And now into the living room," Tanya instructed, leading the way.

The plush taupe sofa matched the dark wood floors. The tan curtains let in just enough sunlight but not too much to be distracting. To all of these things I agreed as Tanya listed them in excruciating detail.

Then I came to the fireplace and stopped dead in my tracks.

Lining the mantel from one end to the other was a menagerie of photos of me and Tanya. I scanned them and tried to pick out exactly where and when they'd been taken. They were mostly from one party - the charity benefit for the children's ward at the hospital. I recalled the spiffy tux I wore that night and Tanya's red cocktail dress, but never before had I even seen one photo from the event let alone a dozen of them sitting in ornate picture frames. We looked happy together. Tanya's arm slung around my neck, our cheeks pressed together. My stomach rolled as it reminded me how stinking drunk I got that night. We'd arrived separately, Tanya and I. It wasn't an occasion where you needed to bring a date but we were seated at the same table and as usual we gravitated towards each other during the evening. I took her home that night and fucked her, I'm sure of it.

"You ok?" Tanya asked, threading her arms around my waist and settling against my back. "You seem distant."

"Jet lag, that's all," I answered distantly.

She seemed appeased by that lame answer and took me by the hand.

"Come look what I've done to our bedroom!"

Before I had the chance to object I was being pulled down the hall after her with Kate in tow. Pictures hung on the walls but they were a blur as we zoomed past.

"I hope you like it," Kate said, skipping next to me to keep up the pace. "Tanya picked out the colors for the walls and bedspread. She said they were your favorite."

I have favorite colors? I was very intrigued to get to the bedroom to find out what they were.

Tanya's clothes were hung in "our" closet with an empty space where I assumed my clothes would go. A wave of sickness rolled through me. This was about to turn ugly. I couldn't let this go on another moment without mentioning the fact that she'd completely disregarded our agreed upon living arrangements.

"What about the other bedroom?" I asked, realizing that it must have been the one room with the door closed that we never addressed.

"Oh yeah that room's a mess. It's filled with boxes and junk," Tanya laughed with a flick of her wrist.

Just then Kate's phone rang and I took the opportunity to speak with Tanya in private.

"Umm, Tanya, can I talk to you for a second? In the living room please?"

"Sure. Is something wrong?"

I tried not to pace. Pacing gave off a vibe of uneasiness. But I was uneasy. I was more than uneasy. I was freaking the fuck out.

Ok caaaaaalm. Breeeathe.

"It's just that, um," I turned in a circle. "All this..." I gestured around the room.

"You don't like it? It's too much? Too girly? We can change it-"

"No it looks great, it's not that. It's just..." I groaned and wiped my hand down my face. "Look, Tanya...I thought we had an _arrangement_."

"What arrangement?"

_What arrangement?_ Was I in an episode of The Twilight Zone? Had I traveled back in time and altered the course of history? My head hurt.

"An _agreement _then? That _my_ room would be down the hall and _yours_ would be next to the bathroom. I asked you which room you wanted, remember? And you picked the one next to the bathroom. We figured that with all the long hours I'd be working I'd probably just collapse into bed without making it to the bathroom anyway, and since you're a light sleeper I wouldn't wake you by making a giant racket in the middle of the night. Don't you remember that conversation?"

"Oh." She hung her head and wrung out her hands. "Yeah. Well that was a long time ago. I figured..."

"A long time ago? It was last month. When we put down the deposit. Am I missing something?"

Her face twisted and her lips pressed into a thin line. "No. You're not _missing_ anything," she spat.

Okaaay, so now she's pissed.

"Tanya what's going on? Why are you mad?"

"Mad?" she fumed. "_MAD? MAD_, Eddie? Oh excuse me - _Edward!_ Who_ever_thefuck you are!"

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?" I was thoroughly confused by the 180 our conversation had just taken. I hadn't meant to piss her off but it seemed I'd just unleashed the Kracken.

"Forget it." She crossed her arms and stalked into the kitchen. I followed her.

"I don't want to forget it. I want to talk about this. Why are you telling people I'm your boyfriend?"

"My father said it's about time we called a spade a spade," she said with her finger pointed at me like a blade. "It _means_, if we ACT like we're together we should be able to TELL people we're together. We don't need to have a press conference about it. You just start saying things like 'my boyfriend' or whatever and it's understood."

"Buuuut we're _not_ together...not like that."

If I ever wished for an undo button of my very own it would have been at that exact moment. I'd never seen another human being's face get so red so quickly.

"You _fuck_ me!" she screamed. "You have me stay over night after night after night until I'm practically _living_ with you!"

"I never asked you stay! You just _did_, and whatever, it's fine, I didn't care, but you're making it sound like I led you on!"

"What would you call it then?"

"You tell me. I'm not the one hurling accusations. You saw what you wanted to see."

"You arrogant prick! Where was I supposed to go? The lease on my place was up, all my stuff was at your apartment!"

"Because you fucking moved in one day while I was at class! I came home and all that was left was one little space in my closet and one dresser drawer that wasn't filled with your shit! You _knew_ I was eventually going to move closer to the hospital! I didn't think I needed to ask for your fucking _permission_! And now you're pissed at me because I didn't read between the lines of girl code? That getting a two bedroom apartment really meant we'd be _sharing _a room and that officially makes us a couple? We never talked about any of this! You needed a place to live and someone to split the rent. I was doing you a favor."

"I hate you."

"See what I mean? I don't understand you. Why do you hate me?"

"Figure it out, asshole." She grabbed her coat and bag and slammed the door behind her, leaving me standing in the middle of the living room alone.

Kate emerged from the bedroom with her phone in her hand and a shell-shocked look on her face.

"Is, uh, everything alright out here?"

"Nope. Not even close. You might want to go after her. If I go she's liable to back over me with her car." I sat on the couch and put my head in my hands. A moment later I felt the cushion next to me dip as Kate sat down.

"Don't say anything," I grumbled. "I already got a mouthful from her."

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"Thank you."

"Ok I _was _going to say something."

I chuckled into my hands and turned to look at her. "Go ahead."

Kate was a full-figured girl with a generous rack and beautiful cherubic face. She wore her weight well. Her curves were sexy as hell and her reddish brown set off her gray-blue eyes. I looked down at her hands and the rock of a diamond ring that glittered on her left ring finger.

She saw me eyeing it and smiled proudly. I smiled back and nodded congratulations.

"The whole time Tanya and I were decorating this place," she began. "It was Edward this and Edward that. You were the only topic of conversation she was interested in. And, well, even then, it seemed forced. Like she was trying to create this life that didn't exist and build an apartment around it, so when you arrived it would be ready for you to just ...walk into and assume the role."

"I must have given her a reason to believe that I'd do just that," I sighed.

"Perhaps you did. Without realizing. But you're being honest with her now. The past is the past." She put her hand on my forearm. It was soft and cold. "...I should get going."

"Thanks, Kate."

She stood to leave. "You're welcome, Edward. Good luck."

…

Two hours later the door opened and Tanya entered without ceremony. I hadn't budged from the spot where I sat when Kate left.

"Hey," she said, expressionless.

"You don't have a gun, do you?" I asked hesitantly, unsure if I should move from the couch and bolt for the door.

"No. Couldn't find one." She dropped her bag on the coffee table and sat down with a sigh.

"Where'd you go?"

"For a walk. Got some coffee."

"You've been crying."

"I'm sorry," we said at the same time.

"Why are _you_ sorry?" we asked in unison.

"You first."

"No you."

I raised my hand. "I'll go first. I've been sitting here since you left, thinking and...Tanya, I'm sorry for not clarifying things between us. The truth is I care about you. It's hard to make friends and keep them in this line of work but somehow we found a way. We got along from the start, first at Devon's party, then in lab, and one night we took it too far and one night turned into every night and yeah I really liked sleeping with you. It was great," I nudged my shoulder into hers and she smiled back at me. "_Really great_, Tan. It was nice to not be alone all the time. I didn't want to do anything to disturb that. It was the one thing I could count on. There was no commitment, no expectations. And that may have worked for me but it wasn't fair to you, and for that I'm sorry."

Tanya's breathing was steady, her stern expression softened, and the weight of the tension in the air lessened. She looked out the picture window as she spoke.

"I'm sorry for refusing to see what was right in front of me. A great guy and a great friend. Instead I tried to push you into a relationship you weren't ready for. I'm sorry for forcing my feelings on you and expecting you to return them. I'm sorry for not being more open with you. I should have told you I was falling for you instead of assuming that you knew and that you felt the same way."

She didn't look at me. She didn't expect a response and I didn't have one to give. Not the one she wanted. I couldn't return her feelings of love. They weren't there.

"What should we do now?" she asked quietly.

In all honesty, not much had changed for me. I'd begin my residency as planned. My name was on the lease and the rent would be deducted from my bank account on a monthly basis. Soon the weather would change and I'd spend another East Coast winter in Bean Town. My life consisted of a series of immovable paths set to a clear and predetermined pace. For me the answer was obvious.

"Wanna help me set up my room?"

...

I texted Bella from my departure gate.

**Waiting to board. How r u?**

Her reply came seconds later.

**Bloated. When will u be home?**

God I missed her more than air. I laughed as I texted back**.  
**

**Tonight around 9. Can I see u?**

I hoped it wouldn't be too late. I hoped that she'd still want to see me. Her reply came instantly.**  
**

**You won't be too tired?**

Was she nuts? She was all I'd been able to think about for days. If I didn't see her I'd go crazy. **  
**

**I won't be able to sleep if I don't.**

I hit send as First-Class passengers were called to board. I took my seat and clutched my phone. Minutes went by without a reply from Bella. My palms began to sweat. The announcement was made to turn off all electronic devices. Still no word. I stared at the screen, thumb over the END key.

And then it buzzed.

_Message from Bella._

**Me either. I'll wait up for you. xo. B.**

Relief washed over me. I sent a quick _xo_ back and prepared for takeoff.

**BPOV**

These last few days sucked balls. The suckage, in no particular order, went something like this: I was a bloated whale who must have gained at least twenty pounds in two days. Mike Newton decided to go windsurfing with his loser friends – like he even knows how to windsurf, he'll probably drown – leaving me to cover all of his shifts. My mother dragged me out shopping at _least_ fifteen times and I'm now stocked with the tackiest, frumpiest maternity clothes you've ever seen. She and Charlie got in like ten more annoying arguments, and worst of all, I missed Edward like air.

I was laying in bed reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting", only because Renee bought it and would likely quiz me in the morning, when I heard the familiar ping of gravel on glass.

Air rushed into my lungs.

Edward.

My heart raced. My hair tingled and a sheen of anticipatory perspiration dotted my skin. I threw the covers aside and darted to the window.

"Edward?" I called over the ledge.

My eyes adjusted to the darkness and his unmistakable profile came into focus.

"Bella!" he waved. There were no more words. Just his brilliant smile as he jogged to the front door. I raced downstairs holding my belly as my feet pounded down the steps and when I threw open the door he was there waiting and he scooped me in his arms and he was warm and he smelled the same, the same mint and leaves and manly musk. Oh god how I missed him. We staggered inside, tangled together, his heavy weight pressing me eagerly into the wall.

"_Bella,_" he moaned low, lifting me off the ground. He dipped his fingers into the collar of my nightshirt, pulling the fabric aside he kissed my bare shoulder once, twice and then flicked his tongue into the hollow of my collarbone. I tensed and wound my legs behind his knees. He now held the entire weight of me in his arms. I felt safe and wanted. We stayed like that, holding and clinging and nuzzling and murmuring and little kisses dotted across my face and his face and then suddenly it became more. His fevered lips found mine. His fingers gripped my cheek and held me firmly in place and I opened my mouth, letting out a moan on a breath and his tongue slipped inside, warm and silk and I was claimed. I was kept. I was his and I unraveled.

"_Ahhh,_" he groaned as I caught his bottom lip between my teeth and bit down. The faint taste of rust and iron mixed with our saliva. I pulled away. There was a slight rip in Edward's bottom lip where I nipped him.

"Sorry," I whispered. "Guess I got carried away."

He flicked his tongue and licked the red drop of blood.

"Mmm. I'll show you carried away," he said pent up passion burning behind his eyes.

"Oh yeah?" I dared with a sultry hooded gaze. Was I really doing this? Egging him on? Suggesting he back up his words with actions?

One stuttered breath later I'm weightless and being carried upstairs.

**

* * *

I'm too stuffed on turkey to finish so I'll leave it there as a "will they or won't they" cliffie and continue with an EPOV once I'm out of my food coma. Happy Spanksgiving for those who celebrate it :)**


	19. In a boy's dream

A big THANK YOU to those who are reading and reviewing and following this story. Please know that I value every single one of you and your comments :)

I know it may feel like we've been treading water for a few chapters now, and yes that is intentional. Lulling Bella and Edward into a false sense of security. It happens to all of us, right? If we have the chance to ignore the unpleasant inevitable, we usually do. Ignorance is bliss, remember? Unfortunately, it can't last forever. And it won't.

btw, Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight

Once again I am not counting every single day of Bella's pregnancy and putting it in a strict timeline. That'd be too boring for words. But to put things in perspective, Bella got pregnant in March right before Jacob died, she found out in April, and will be due in December.

As of this chapter, it is nearing the end of August, making Bella five months along in her pregnancy. Thoughts about how big she should be/look are in the eye of the beholder. Everybody's body is different. I'm using my imagination; feel free to use yours :)

* * *

**You've got your ball **  
**You've got your chain **  
**Tied to me tight, tie me up again **  
**Who's got their claws **  
**In you my friend **  
**Into your heart I'll beat again **  
**Sweet like candy to my soul **  
**Sweet you rock **  
**And sweet you roll **  
**Lost for you, I'm so lost for you **

**EPOV**

I carried Bella up the stairs quickly, step over careful step, bracing our combined weight against the railing to keep us upright. Her nails dug into my neck as she clung to me, her sweet smell flooding my senses. When we reached the top I set her down but she remained in my arms. It was only two more steps to her bedroom.

"Keep the light off," she said, pushing my hand away from the switch.

"Why?" I breathed heavily, my heart pounding.

"Because," she hesitated. "This isn't my body, Edward. I don't want you to see me this way. This isn't how I look."

"It's how you look_ now_," I said, running my hands down her sides and over the roundness of her hips. "Why can't you see yourself the way I see you?"

"Fat. Gross," she blanched but I knew she was blushing. Her cheek laid on my upper arm.

"_Beautiful_. You're so fucking _beautiful,_ Bella. It's in your name and your face and how you feel in my hands. I want to be naked with you. I want to feel your skin against my skin. If you'll let me, I want to be inside you."

"With my clothes off I don't even recognize myself."

She took a step back. I wound an arm around her waist and pulled her close. I needed her near.

"C'mere," I whispered. She melted into my embrace. My fingers found the hem of her nightshirt and pulled it up slowly, revealing her round belly, revealing her pale breasts.

"Your breasts, they're-" I rested my head on her chest above her swollen round mounds.

"They're huge."

"They're supple...and soft." I pressed my lips between her cleavage and slid her shirt up and over her head.

"You're just trying to make me feel good," she moaned, lolling her head back, exposing her neck for me to kiss.

"Indeed," I hummed. "Is it working?"

I didn't need for her to speak to know the answer. She reached her arm out to the small reading lamp on the edge of the desk and flicked it on. The room brightened in the bubble where we stood, bathing us in a muted orange glow. Now I could see Bella before me in nothing but a pair of white panties, her long brown hair cascading over her shoulders and down her back. Her molten eyes even darker in the scarcity of light. A lump formed in my throat. I'd never seen her presented to me this way before. More vulnerable and exposed than in our other rushed and playful encounters. I had no intention of playing with her tonight. Her arms hung at her sides. She was holding her breath, waiting for a response from me. Her chin began to tremble. Her brows knitted together and I knew I was taking too much time. But I wanted to paint this image in my mind. I wanted to paint it, photograph it, keep it there frozen forever. It was a fleeting moment that could never be re-created. The moment Bella offered herself to me with all of her, as she saw them, flaws. The distortion of her once tiny, compact body, now heavier and rounder with the addition of the life inside it. To me these were perfections. The human body adapting to its most basic and primal of instincts. Nothing turned me on more than to see it at work. I wanted to live in this moment forever.

I tore my shirt off and tossed it aside. Her eyes widened and roamed across my bare chest.

My fingers found my belt buckle and my jeans were next. Once they were removed I stood in front of her in nothing but my underwear so she could see that we were the same. She was a woman and I was a man but we felt the same and, except for a few slight anatomic and physiological differences, we were the same. Our hearts beat and pumped the blood that rushed through our veins, our muscles contracted and relaxed, our synapses fired in response to external and internal stimuli and I took that first step towards her. Closing the gap between us until there was no separation.

"Breathe, Bella," I whispered. There was so much more I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her about my trip, about what happened with Tanya. I wanted to ask her if she really wanted to do this, if she was ready. I wanted to tell her that it was okay if she wasn't. It was ok if we didn't. I could wait. I would wait. Weeks, months, forever. I wanted to invite her to Boston. To visit. To stay. I wanted to know more about Jake, how they met, how she found out that he'd died. All the awful details that I'm sure she'd never told anyone. I wanted her to tell me. I wanted to know what went on in that gorgeous head of hers every second of every day and how she coped with something that would send most people to the looney bin. I wanted to tell her that I was proud of her, that I admired her, that I'd never met anyone like her, that I'd seen the bravest of the brave with the gravest of illnesses, a revolving door of patients and sickness and still the burden that she shouldered alone outweighed them all. There was no medicine to prescribe to heal the wound of loss. Except talking. Maybe talking. But not tonight. Tonight was about showing.

We moved to the bed. Bella settled on her back, her head propped on the pillows. She looked up at me with her bottom lip in her teeth. I laid down next to her and she turned on her side to face me.

"This is going to be different from the other times," she said, running her fingers through my chest hairs. I sucked in my breath and shivered under her touch.

"Is that ok?" I asked carefully.

She was quiet, tracing circles around my nipples. The sensation was so powerful, I didn't know how much longer I could stand it. I squeezed my eyes shut and rested my forehead on hers.

"Yes," she said finally. And then, with certainty. "Edward. Kiss me."

Our mouths connected and there were no more questions. No more asking. We slid our underwear off and were naked together under the sheets. I positioned myself in between her parted legs but didn't enter. I hovered over her and we kissed and touched. I tasted and sucked her nipples and when she moaned I returned my lips to hers and entered her with one push. She cried out and clamped down around me. I groaned and prayed to god that I wouldn't be a three-pump-chump. It had been awhile since I'd had sex and finally being inside Bella's tight warmth...there was no preparing for how it would feel.

I pulled out to the tip and pushed back in with a grunt. It was easier this time. Seamless. I glided inside her. Her wetness covering every inch of my shaft. Her chest heaved and I held my weight on my arms. They flexed on either side of her head as I lowered myself down to kiss her lips. She whimpered into my mouth but it was a whimper filled with lust and pleasure. She clasped her ankles at the small of my back and pulled me in deeper.

"Ahhhhgod," I groaned. The slickness of the sweat on my stomach mingled with the layer of sheen on hers. And her belly wasn't in the way. Not even close. She was looking down at it, concerned, but I tipped her chin and made her look at me instead.

"Hey," I murmured, trailing my eyes down our bodies to the juncture between our legs where they were combining. I pumped in and out of her, watching her watching us fuck. She lifted her hips in time to meet my thrusts and I near died from the new angle it created within. I was completely sheathed inside her, my pubic hairs tickling the inside of her thighs, and I stayed that way for a moment, gathering my senses, teetering on the edge.

"I'm close, Edward," Bella said, quaking underneath me. She cupped my face in her hands and looked deep into my eyes and I knew.

My cock twitched inside her. She surrounded me. A few more thrusts and she came with a cry and a_ 'fuck' _that sounded sexy as hell because after it came my name.

Then it was my turn.

"I love you, Bella," I whispered into the crook of her neck as my climax overtook me. "I love you," I groaned, shuddering and spilling inside her. "I love you." I kept saying it, I don't know how many times. It was low and muffled but I couldn't exhale without the words coming along with my breaths. It wasn't how I imagined I'd tell her. Although I hadn't actually thought about how I'd tell her. It hadn't even consciously occurred to me that what I was feeling was love, but there was no denying that it in fact was.

Bella. I loved her. Very much. And it couldn't have happened at a worse time.

Her legs were still wrapped around me. I was softening inside her but neither of us wanted to admit that it was over. My muscles were spasming like fireworks under my skin. Her fingers were in my hair, pushing my wet bangs away, away, away. A bead of sweat rolled down the bridge of my nose and dropped onto her top lip. She licked it off and I was hardening again. A smirk formed in the corner of her mouth and I felt the walls of her pussy tighten in response. We were sweaty and sticky and I was suddenly aware how brutally fucking hot it was in Bella's room. She was taking small gasping breaths.

"You ok?" I kissed her earlobe and felt her smelling me.

"Very ok," she said with a giggle. "That was really good, Edward."

I grinned and kissed her lips. "It was for me too. Wait, were you expecting it not to be?"

"No," she giggled harder. "I mean look at you. Of course I knew it'd be good. I just thought you'd like to know that I enjoyed it, immensely. Geez, learn to take a compliment."

She was silent for a minute. "Edward?"

"Hm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Anything."

"If I didn't have the wedding tomorrow, would you have come back?"

"I don't know. Maybe not. If not for you I don't know what other reason I would have had."

"So...you came back...for me?"

"I'd say that's a fair assumption."

We were quiet again, not moving, placing small kisses on each others exposed skin every few seconds.

"Can I ask _you_ a question now?"

"Sure."

"Where you surprised when your parents got divorced?"

She took a deep breath.

"Yes. Even though they fought all the time, I never thought they'd split up. Why else would they have gotten together if they didn't want to stay together? That's what fifteen year old Bella thought anyway. They promised. They took the vows. Til death do us part. But I know it's more complicated than that. She was three months pregnant with me. My grandparents forced marriage on them when they found out. Why didn't she just give me up if she didn't want me? Why make me watch her bitterness towards my dad as their loveless marriage fell apart? It's not that I don't think my mother loves me, because I know she does. Now. I wasn't so sure then."

"I wish I could have been there to love you then. Although you might not have liked _me_ very much."

"Impossible," she snorted.

"Oh it's possible. For a very long time I tried to fill every second of my life with something. School, work, women, partying. I was a dick most of the time. I couldn't relax."

"And now you can?"

"I think it happened one day when my sister introduced me to this new friend of hers. A girl called Bella. That's _your_ name, isn't it? Hmm, interesting coincidence. Anyway, I gave this girl a ride home that same night and for the first time in ages I felt weightless and calm and a fluttering in my chest that hasn't gone away since."

She was speechless at that and we resumed our nuzzling and pawing and we came together two more times as night turned into dawn and dawn turned into morning.

"I should go home and get ready," I said, pulling the sheet down to expose Bella's shoulder.

"Go?" she mumbled into her pillow.

"It's Angela and Ben's wedding today. Didn't you tell me the ceremony was at 2?"

"Mmhmm."

"Well it's nearly ten-thirty. I figured you women need at least three hours to get ready."

"Shit," she groaned, stretching her arms over her head. "My mom will be here soon. She went dress shopping with me when you were away and is all excited about helping me get ready. Although I think she's more excited about seeing _you_ in - _fuck_, did you get something to wear?"

"Nah I was just gonna go like this," I flung the white sheet off to reveal my nakedness. "Au natural."

Bella's jaw fell open at the sight of my semi-hard cock laying against my thigh but she quickly composed herself. "Mm. Well. You won't see me complaining if you do."

I shifted closer and untucked the sheet from around her, pressing my bare chest against hers.

"You'll never leave if you keep it up," she said, finding her way to my mouth.

"You're the one that keeps_ it _up," I replied, grinding my erection ever so slowly into her hip.

"_Edwarrrrd_."

"Fuck don't say my name like that, Bella. You have no idea. Ok maybe you do." My jaw clenched. I knew I had to go or we'd be late. "Alright. I'm going. I'll be back at one. That will give us plenty of time to get to the church."

"Ok," she smiled, placing one last kiss on my lips.

* * *

**i know - - the "L" word, right? yeah. we'll find out what Bella thinks about that. next chapter is the wedding and then some other stuff...and then some more stuff after that...**

**thanks to DMB for the lyrics that stay awesome.  
**


	20. Love like a sunset

**BPOV**

From my bedroom window I watched Edward leave. Seeing him walk down the driveway was like having an out of body experience. Even two stories up I shivered at the sight of him. He had that much power over me. His hook was buried deep in my chest and in my mind. He wasn't just some hot guy I had a crush on and had fooled around with a couple times.

That man down there. Walking to his car. Yeah, the tall one with the long stride and great ass. The one with his hand in his hair who just dropped his keys in the grass. He's smiling now, laughing at himself. See him? Yeah I slept with him last night. It was romantic and wonderful and afterwards he told me he loved me.

Edward told me he loved me. And that was better than the sex.

He didn't think I heard him. He hadn't meant to say it out loud but in the moment, in the passion of our lovemaking and the rush of orgasm, more than just his semen spilled out. He repeated it several times between panting breaths as he came and I came around him. The ocean waves pounded in my ears and my mouth fell open. But I didn't say it back.

Edward's car pulled away kicking up dust and gravel in its wake and I was once again consumed by crushing silence as I stood at the window watching it settle. Renee would show up any minute now and the chaos would return along with her chattering and fussing and complaining about the state of disarray the house had fallen into since we left all those years ago. Those were the times I wanted to stick up for Charlie – remind her that WE left HIM, remember? - but I knew it was a pointless argument.

I pushed my feet into my house slippers and sat back down on the edge of the bed – the side where Edward had slept. I laid on my side and buried my face in the pillow he'd used; the pillow that now smelled like him. It was his pillow now. He'd changed it, just like he changed me.

I rolled off it so I wouldn't cover up his smell with mine.

Time to get ready. The dress I'd picked out hung on my closet door in it's clear plastic bag. I stood but then immediately sat back down. My knees were shaking. My palms were moist. My heart fluttered in my chest and up my throat and I suddenly felt woozy and sleepy and sick all at the same time. I clutched the mattress and took several deep breaths. _Easy, Bella. Calm down. You're having a panic attack. Remember, Dr. Travers said it might happen when you least expected it. It's ok. Shh. Calm. This is normal. The baby's fine. You're fine. It will pass, just be brave._

I mouthed the words and repeated the mantra and in a few minutes it passed. My breathing returned to normal. My heart rate slowed down and I let go of the mattress pad. I took a deep breath and stood without collapsing. Phew. That one wasn't so bad. I didn't cry or throw up. I thought of Edward and how he would have reacted if he'd been here. Would it even have happened if he hadn't left? And Jake. What would Jake have done? My mouth dried. My jaw clenched. My chin began to tremble and I ran to the bathroom.

_Jake. Oh, Jake. What have I done?_

Still clutching the blue facecloth I sat on the couch in the living room and held it over my mouth. I hadn't thrown up but having it in my hand gave me comfort. I felt numb and weak and completely spent.

Our wedding portrait stared down at me like a crucifix in its large, wooden frame. Our smiling faces. Jake carrying me in his arms. My daisy bouquet dangling from my hand. It had been a happy day.

I stood and approached it. Our smiles grew bigger with each step until I was nose to nose with the past.

"Hey Jake," I said, startled by the sound of my voice in the empty house.

"Ben and Angela are getting married today. You don't know them. Angela was a good friend of mine when I was younger and we kept in touch when I left Forks. She and Ben have been together since eighth grade. Crazy, huh? You'd probably think Ben was a huge dork if you saw him. He's a computer programmer.

"I'm bringing a date. A guy. Obviously. I asked him and he said yes. He's, uh, he's..._shit_," I cursed, looking away from those bright shiny teeth, that spotless caramel skin. Was I really attempting to explain _Edward_, my current 'friend who's a boy', to Jacob, my late husband? This should be interesting.

I turned back to the photo and stood up straight, the facecloth still balled tightly in my fist.

"Dammit, Jake, stop looking at me like that. I know you saw what happened last night...or maybe you didn't. I don't know if I believe in a heaven or a hell. I don't know if you're looking down on me from somewhere and, yknow what?, it really doesn't matter if you are or not. I have something to tell you. There's something you should know. A few things actually. I miss you, for one. And I love you. Those two things haven't changed. I doubt they ever will. Everything else has. The baby's getting bigger. _I'm_ getting bigger by the second _and_ working _and_ taking care of Charlie. I'm learning new things every day about my body and the changes happening to it. And I'm learning things about myself, too, Jake. Big things. It's different here. It's nothing like Phoenix.

"I met some new people. The Cullen's. I've hung out with them a lot this summer and it's been helping me. It seems I'm not as socially awkward as we thought. They're a really great family. Alice is in Paris with one of them now, Rosalie. She's _so_ beautiful, Jake. You always said blondes weren't your type, but I think she'd change your mind. ...And her brother – Edward – he's a little older than me. He's going to be a doctor. He's the one I'm taking to the wedding. Oh and Radiohead is his favorite band! You know, that 'emo band' you always gave me shit for liking," I laughed nervously, knowing I was about to get to the part I was dreading.

I cleared my throat and forced myself to keep talking. Jake deserved this.

"Edward and I...we've gotten pretty close since I came back. Since Alice left he's become my closest friend. We talk all the time. He makes me laugh. He's really nice to me. He opens doors for me and sits with me in the park. Little things like that, but they're big things to me. He knows about you and the baby. He even remodeled Charlie's man cave into a nursery. And, Jake, the thing is...recently Edward's become _more_ than a friend. He's special and I...I think I love him, Jake. I _know_ I do. I've fallen for him big time and I think he feels the same way about me. And last night we slept together. We had sex, Jake. He didn't force me. I wanted to do it."

I flinched and rushed over to the couch, half expecting Jake to jump out of the photo and start screaming at me. But I was alone with the silence. I sat with my legs crossed and continued to talk to the wall were he remained.

"God I wish I knew what you were thinking, Jake. Part of me thinks you'd be furious. Another part of me thinks you'd be ok with it, that you wouldn't want me to be sorry for what I've done or how I'm feeling. Because I can't be sorry, Jake. I'm not sorry. I won't apologize for my feelings for Edward because they're mine and they're real. I wish they weren't. It would be so much easier if they weren't. The guilt, Jake, the guilt weighs on me every day. It gets so heavy sometimes I don't think I can stand it. I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to think that you did anything wrong or that our marriage was a lie, because it wasn't."

My heart rate escalated and it felt like another panic attack was brewing under the surface, but I pushed it down, stood again and walked back to him, my face hot and stained with tears. My voice cracked but I kept going because dammit I was going to get this out!

"You're my best friend, Jacob Black. You hear me? And you can never be replaced. No one will ever love me the way you did. But you're gone and I'm still here. Every day I want to fall apart. I can't fall apart, Jakey. I have to be strong. I have to teach our baby to be strong and how to love and how to be happy. Our child will know you, Jake. I promise. I don't know what's going to happen with me and Edward; probably nothing. The baby's coming and he'll leave. Alice is on the other side of the world and I'm alone. I don't know what else to do."

The front door slammed and I was no longer alone.

"Bella? Honey? Who are you talking to?"

I wiped my eyes and attempted to compose myself. My mom entered the room and gasped.

"Bella! Oh my god are you alright?" she cried, falling to her knees in front of me. "Should I call an ambulance? Are you going into labor?"

"Labor, mom?" I snorted a laugh. "No, I'm not going into labor. I was just talking to Jake."

"Oh sweetie." She smoothed my hair. "Do you want me to tell your father to take the portrait down?"

"Why would I want it taken down?"

"If it's upsetting you-"

"It's not upsetting me," I said swiftly. "Jake's dead. That's what's upsetting me. Not our wedding portrait. I had a moment of weakness. I'm fine now."

"Maybe a wedding isn't the best place for you today."

"I said I'm fine, mom."

"Alright," she conceded, kissing my temple. "You still want me to help you get ready?"

I nodded with a smile.

After a quick breakfast of bananas and cereal, I took a hot shower and brushed my teeth. My mother had my dress laid across the bed and all of the accessories arranged neatly in a row beside it.

"You used to make your bed every morning in Phoenix," she said, frowning at the rumpled sheets and tangled blankets. If she only knew what happened in that bed just hours before she'd have an entirely different expression on her face.

"We're not in Phoenix anymore," I snorted jokingly, removing the towel from around my body and stepping into the brand new pair of silk undies that we purchased during our shopping excursion. They were nude with a thin strip of lace at the top and they hugged my curves perfectly. Renee lifted my damp hair and helped me with the hooks of the strapless bra. It wasn't weird being naked in front of my mother. I just hoped Edward hadn't left any marks on me that I'd have to explain. Edward. He'd be getting ready now too.

"What's that smile for?" my mom asked curiously.

"No reason." I didn't realize I was smiling.

"Isabella Marie," she said in her stern voice. "An hour ago you were in a nearly catatonic state and for the past fifteen minutes you've been grinning like a school girl who got away with sticking her hand in the cookie jar. I can't keep up with your mood swings."

Join the club.

"I'm looking forward to the wedding, that's all. Geez, mom, you don't have to make me sound like a complete mental case," I grumbled the last sentence under my breath.

"I'm glad. I think it will be good for you to be around people, to be outside in the warm weather with the sunshine on your pretty face. It is an absolutely beautiful day today. Perfect weather for a wedding. And with Edward by your side it will be even more breathtaking."

"Mom!"

"Read your mind, did I?" she smirked. I kept my mouth shut and turned to the mirror. Renee tried to suppress her grin as she helped me into my dress. She unzipped the back and held it open for me to step into.

It was light lavender and strapless with an empire waist that gathered at my breasts, cinching in the nestle of my generous cleavage before falling straight down to just below my knees. I looked pregnant in it, but not _too_ pregnant if that makes any sense. It was going to be hot again today so she gathered my hair in a loose bun at the base of my neck and used a curling iron to curl a few tendrils down my back. She pinned a few wisps of bangs back from my face with glittery bobby pins and clipped a larger butterfly barrette further back behind my ear. It wasn't too much. In fact I was impressed by my mom's hairdressing skills.

"Thanks, mom. I never could have done this myself."

She was silent and I turned around in the chair to make sure she was still there.

"Mom? Are you alright?"

"Yes," she said softly but there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Bella. This must hard enough as it is without me falling apart. It's just...you look even more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day."

"That's because my makeup sweated off me in five seconds and I wore an Abercrombie skirt and Old Navy flip flops," I laughed, turning around and brushing ivory pressed powder on my face.

"You have that pregnancy glow. That's what's different this time. You can't recreate that glow." She took the brush from my hand and swiped it across my cheeks, under my eyes and across my nose and forehead. "You never did need makeup. You're a natural beauty. But I suppose it can't hurt to add some color and sparkles," she smiled, shining my lips with light pink lip gloss and thickening my lashes with mascara. After the finishing touches of just enough blush and a spritz of perfume, I slid my feet into a brand new pair of pumps.

_Cinderella slippers_. That's what the lady at the shoe store had called them and she was right. They were clear with the tiniest kitten heel and if you looked quickly, it appeared I was walking barefoot until the light hit them just so and then they glimmered like a thousand diamonds.

"What time is Edward picking you up?" my mother asked just as the doorbell rang. Her eyes lit up. "Oooh good thing I brought my camera! Come on, Isabella, don't keep him waiting!" She fluttered out of the room and I took a last look at myself in the mirror. Why was I so nervous? Edward had seen me naked. His tongue had licked and tasted my most private of girl areas. He'd been inside me. I flushed just thinking about it.

"Bella!" my mom screeched up the stairs. I heard her saying to Edward, "I'm sure she'll be right down. You know us girls. We have to look perfect." Edward said something back but since his voice wasn't shrill and ear-piercing, I couldn't make it out.

I quickly applied more deodorant under my arms and took a deep breath. Edward may have seen me in those intimate ways, but he'd never seen me dressed up like this. I realized then that I wasn't nervous, I was excited.

"Here she comes," my mother whispered.

"I can hear you mom. It's not a secret." I rolled my eyes and slid my hand down the banister. When I reached the bottom of the stairs I finally allowed myself to see Edward for the first time.

He was wearing a light gray suit, sewn to fit every curve and angle of his body. Jacket buttoned at his waist. His thin black tie separated his crisp white shirt down the middle of his chest. His dress shoes shone like mirrors. He was pressed and perfect. Well, except for his hair, which needed to be cut badly. It was an orderly chaos though - wavy on the sides and long enough in the back to touch the collar of his dress shirt.

He took a step towards me and stopped.

"My god, Bella. You look..." His hand dove through his hair and he held it there. He swallowed and said, "Stunning."

"Thanks. It's no Newton's uniform, but I did my best," I blushed, smoothing my hands down my dress.

"Stunning," he repeated softly.

"You, too. You look great."

"Just something I had laying around."

"You just happen to have Gucci suits _laying around_?"

"Prada. And yes. You're not wearing any jewelry."

My hand went to my bare neck. "Oh, I don't have any nice necklaces and my ears aren't pierced anymore."

"Do you not like jewelry?"

"I love it. I just never buy it for myself and no one's ever bought it for me," I shrugged. Even my wedding ring was a hand me down from my mom. Her birthstone, which would have been fine if we'd been born in the same month.

"Well that's good." He reached into his pocket. "I brought you something."

"_I'm_ not the one getting married, Edward," I giggled, taking the small box from his fingers. I lifted the lid and moved the cotton aside to reveal a dainty silver chain. Hanging from it was a small round stone. A brilliant sapphire. Threading the chain through my fingers I held it up. Light shone through the stone, making it appear clear, and refracted into a thousand pieces.

"Edward. This is..." the words caught in my throat. "This is..."

"If you need to define it, call it an early birthday present." He smiled and walked behind me; sweeping my hair from my shoulder he kissed me sweetly there and fastened the necklace around my neck. The jewel hung above the entrance to my cleavage.

"There," he sighed. "An amethyst might have matched better but-"

"I love it."

"Then that's all that matters."


	21. Afraid to love you

It's heaven on earth  
In her embrace  
Her gentle touch  
And her smiling face

I'm just one wishing  
That I was a pair  
With someone  
Oh somewhere

All those sleepless nights  
And all those wasted days  
I wish loneliness would leave me  
But I think he's here to stay  
What more can I do  
I'm wringing myself dry  
And I can't afford to lose  
One more teardrop from my eye

**BPOV**

"Ok stand together you two. Bella! Try and smile a little?" Renee yelled from the driveway where she stood with her camera pressed to her face. Edward and I were on the porch in our formal attire, his arm around my waist, my arm around his.

"A little wider, sweetie. That's it. You have such a lovely smile, Bella. And Edward, very nice. You don't have to do a thing, Edward. Stay exactly the way you are."

"She's right, y'know."

"That you should stay exactly the way you are? I have to agree with her on that one."

"That's not what I meant, but thank you," Edward whispered, trying not to laugh. "You really do have a lovely smile."

"She's insane," I said through my perma-grin, looking straight ahead so Renee wouldn't have a coronary. "She thinks she's Annie Leibovitz – if Annie Leibovitz wanted to fuck you."

Edward laughed and squeezed me to his side.

"Oh Edward, lovely, just lovely," my mother cooed. "That's a keeper. You just can't take a bad photo, can you? A few more. Bella honey, maybe if you stood up a little straighter."

"_And_ smiled at the same time?" I said sarcastically.

"Oh come on now sweetie. Look how well Edward does it."

"Edward does a lot of things well," I said under my breath, bumping my hip into his.

"Why Isabella!" Edward gasped, feigning embarrassment. "If your mother heard-"

"She'd ask for details."

...

_By the power vested in me by the State of Washington, and our Lord, I now pronounce you Mister and Misses Benjamin Cheney. Sir, you may kiss your bride._

We stood and applauded the newly married couple as they ran down the grass aisle hand in hand amid a flurry of rice and rose petals. Turning and waving a happy goodbye to the crowd they climbed into their waiting limo and headed to the reception hall.

Edward took my hand and together we followed the other guests toward the parking lot. I recognized a few faces from my early school days and friends that Angela had kept since grade school but I was reluctant to make eye contact or wave even though I felt their looks on me.

"Nice ceremony, hmm?" I said, squeezing Edward's hand and smiling up into the sun.

"Indeed it was." He placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me to the car. Edward had kept his hand somewhere on me throughout the entire ceremony. Lightly on my lap, the tips of his fingers gently tracing my knee or the back of my neck as we sat on the white plastic folding chairs in the tenth row on the bride's side. Stealing glances out of the corners of our eyes he leaned in closer and put his arm around me as Angela and Ben recited their vows. He didn't say anything. He didn't ask me if I was alright or how I was doing. He let me be and, regardless of whether or not he meant to or knew what he was doing, it was exactly what I needed. My emotions were my own and they were tangled in my chest and clumped into balls in my stomach. Processing them was an art of not comparing every detail of the Cheney celebration to the wedding Jake and I had in the sand. Slipping into a Zen-like state of meditative acceptance was doing the trick so far.

We heard the music pouring down the street before we saw it.

"Geez it's like Mardi Gras out here, minus the booze in the street," Edward commented as we made our way inside the hopping reception. There were photographers everywhere taking pictures of everything and everyone. There were sculptures and elaborate flower arrangements at every turn. And the band - I lost count of how many members there were. Thirty at least. A brass section and back-up singers and every instrument imaginable. Waiters toured the floor with appetizers and drinks. The air conditioning was soothing against my hot skin.

Edward found our table in the sea of centerpieces that surrounded the dance floor. He pulled out my chair and then his own.

"It's ok, you can drink," I said, placing my small bag on the table.

"I know," he winked. "I just need to rest first. Getting in here was exhausting. I should have brought my machete."

I giggled. "Ok, well get up and escort me to the ladies room, kind sir. Before I burst."

"As you wish, m'lady."

On the way I snatched a bacon-wrapped scallop (sue me) off a plate thrust under my nose by an overly-friendly waiter and Edward scammed a glass of champagne from a lovely gloved lady. He waited for me while I went into the ladies lounge. It was decadent inside to say the least. Cloth hand towels with Mr. and Mrs. Cheney monogrammed on them. I almost felt bad soiling them and tossing them in the trash. An array of deodorants, sprays, tampons (ha!), bobby pins, anything a girl could need to freshen up lined the counter tops. I reapplied my lipgloss and started to head back out but was stopped before I reached the door.

"Bella Swan? Is that you?"

I spun around. "Do I know you?"

"Oh I guess you wouldn't remember. I was painfully shy in Junior High. We had English together? Mister Varick? Awful coffee breath? Thin Dali mustache?"

"Becky? Becky Monroe?" I squinted. It was her. She had been so mousy and plain in junior high. The girl who stood before me in a long red dress was statuesque and with long shocking platinum blonde hair. If it wasn't for the distinctive Marilyn Monroe mole on her upper lip I never would have recognized her.

"Yes! How are you? I mean," her eyes fell to my belly. "You're pregnant, right?"

I smiled meekly and hid my hands. I knew she'd be looking for a ring.

"Wow that's great. So, where did you move to freshman year? One day you were in class, the next you were gone."

"Oh. My parents got divorced and I moved to Phoenix with my mom."

"And you came back for Angela's wedding? That's so nice."

Did she honestly not know? About Jake? About what happened? About why I was back? I thought all of Forks' five residents knew about the reappearance of the 'Swan girl'.

"Well, that and-" I mumbled.

"Oh it doesn't matter. You're here and it's so great to see you after all these years. I moved away too. After graduation. I got into UCLA but Ang and I stayed in touch. She's great at that, isn't she?"

"Yeah she really is. She wrote me all the time. Pages and pages and we talked on the phone once a month at least."

Becky took a step closer and pulled me into a hug. It was sweet and she smelled great. She opened the door for me and we walked out together.

Edward was standing next to the full length mirror on the opposite side of the hall and my breath hitched in my throat at the sight of him. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen and I could tell he had the same effect on Becky.

"Shit, Edward Cullen is here. I wonder who he came with."

Edward's face broke into a smile the moment he saw me and he strode to my side without a sound, taking my hand in his and bringing my wrist to his lips.

"I missed you," he said softly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Becky's jaw drop. She was a fucking model and Edward hadn't even glanced in her direction.

"Edward, this is Becky Monroe." I motioned to her, but his eyes were still on my face. "We had English together. She lives in California."

"Mmhm. Nice to meet you, Rebecca," he said, his eyes still trained on me. Finally he pulled them away and turned to Becky, who looked like she might just pass the fuck out.

"Hi," she said with an unsteady voice. "I didn't know that you and..." she looked at me. "...Edward Cullen..." she looked at my belly and at Edward. "You were on the football team...and..."

"Edward, stop looking at her. She's going to faint," I teased under my breath.

"Quarterback, Varsity, All-State," Edward said smoothly, giving Becky a crooked grin. Evil man.

"...Yeah..." Becky breathed. "I went to every home game...and a few away." She looked at my belly again and Edward's hand in mine. "Well, um, congratulations on..." she took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. "I'll see you inside."

"She thinks you're the father," I said as we headed back to our seats. "She was picturing us having sex."

"I do that 24/7." He paused, a glass of water in his hand and a big smile spread across his face. "Mmm, yeah. See, I'm doing it right now." He closed his eyes. "_Fuck that's good_," he whispered in my ear. "Yes. Fuck. Don't stop. Bella. You feel so good. I want you right now, for real."

"Edwarrrd," I moaned. I had to look down at the floor or I'd overheat. "We just came from the bathroom."

"Don't say 'came' and 'bathroom' in the same sentence, Bella. You're killing me." He sat down and adjusted the obvious bulge in his suit pants. I giggled and placed my napkin on my lap.

Moments later the band leader walked to the center of the dance floor and began announcing the bridal party. We clapped and hollered as they ran out and formed a tunnel with their outstretched hands for the bride and groom to run under. Angela and Ben took their seats at their private table surrounded on either side by long tables filled with the members of the extensive bridal party. Angela had seven, yes SEVEN, bridesmaids. Granted she had four older sisters, but sheesh.

Salads were served and I nibbled on the lettuce and carrots. Edward and I sat in our own little bubble; our chairs angled towards each other, our arms were always touching. Soup was served before I even realized there were other people sitting at our table with us. One of them being Becky Monroe and her date. He was a very handsome man I suppose - tall, dark and well dressed, but nothing in particular about him stood out. I looked at him and my heart didn't flutter. It didn't even move. I turned my head slightly to catch Edward's chiseled profile out of the corner of my eye and was immediately lightheaded.

"Hey," came his sweet voice. "You ok? Your fingers are digging into my thigh."

"Oh, sorry," I blushed, letting go of my grip on the fabric of his pants and the meat of his leg underneath. "Just a natural reaction to being near you," I winked.

"Nice," Edward laughed out loud. The chimes of his laugh were met with the chimes of people clinking their glasses with their forks and knives, an indication that they wanted the newlyweds to kiss. Angela blushed as Ben pulled her to his chest and planted a sloppy one on her lips. Five minutes later it happened again and this time I felt an arm around my shoulders and a tug and Edward's nose nudging my own, telling me he wanted a kiss as well.

"Unless you're embarrassed," he said softly, his breath lightly wafting across my face. I pressed my lips tenderly against his to let him know that I was anything but.

...

Angela made her way towards me with her hand over her heart. "Bella, you came!" She glided in her floor-length Cinderella ballgown encrusted with crystals and pearls. It must have cost a fortune. Her train and veil flowed behind her.

"Of course I came, Angela. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. You look incredibly beautiful."

"I better. I've been getting ready for three days straight," she laughed. "I mean it though...I didn't know if you'd come...if you'd want to see all this..." She frowned and looked around at the opulence of our surroundings. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"Don't you dare apologize. It's your wedding day and I am SO happy for you!"

"Thanks. But more importantly, Bella," she put her hand on my arm. "Is _Edward Cullen_ your date?"

"Yes. ...Is there something wrong with that?" I froze at the thought of what was to come. What was she about to tell me about Edward? She'd lived in Forks her whole life. She definitely knew the gossip. Oh god. He's really a serial killer, right? There's got to be something wrong with him, and since I can't find it, Ang will tell me.

"_Wrong_? As in _wrong_ with _him_? Honey, there ain't nuthin' wrong with Edward Cullen. That boy just gets finer and finer. I thought it was impossible for him to look any better than he did in high school – holy shit I flirted with him so bad when Ben wasn't looking. Of course I'd never do anything – not like he'd give me the time of day anyway, he was always taken - but I couldn't help myself, he's so fucking nom."

"Mrs. Cheney!" I pretended to be appalled by her behavior when in reality this was what I loved most about Angela. She was hysterical and honest and she loved men. No man could ever mean more to her than Ben, they'd been inseparable since Junior High, but she loved the male form and saw nothing wrong in appreciating fine specimens.

"You didn't know him in high school, Bella." She fanned herself dramatically with her perfectly French manicured hand. "Trust me, he's even hotter now. It's a genetic miracle. Wow he's making my wedding even prettier just by being here. You too, Bella, you're pretty too, you know what I mean, ugh but Edward Cullen. MmMm."

"You sound like Alice."

"Grrrl, you don't even know how bad every girl in school wanted him. Look. Just look around. Look at them staring at him. Look at those girls at that table over there. They're my sorority sisters. Look at them frothing at the mouth for Mr. Cullen. I can totally guess what they're saying too. They're betting on who's going to take him home tonight. And those girls over there," she pointed to a table on the other side of the floor filled with girls I vaguely recognized from my short stint at Forks High. "The one in the middle, Bree Tanner, went with Edward to the senior prom. He doesn't even recognize her and it's driving her_ insane_."

Hmm, maybe Angela was right. That girl Bree did look like she was in pain. She was sitting stone solid, her eyes glued to Edward's back. Every now and then her lips would tremble and her tongue would dart to the corner of her mouth. The girls on either side of her were alternately whispering in her ear and looking at Edward.

"They look like rabid raccoons."

"Yeah they're gross. But no worries, he's all yours, honey."

"Oh," I blushed. "He's not mine." I shrugged off the comment and with it the images of Edward getting on a plane to Boston and the waiting arms of Tanya.

"Well then he fucking wants to be, babe. Your table is right in my line of sight and this is the first time I've seen him leave your side all night. Who the hell else's is he then?"

Ben came up behind his new wife and wrapped his arms around her waist. "There you are." He kissed her cheek. "Bella, hey! Angela said you were coming. I'm so glad you did. You look very pretty this evening."

"She's here with _Edward Cullen_," Angela said.

Ben raised his brow. "Really? Edward Cullen's here?" His eyes scanned the room.

"Yep. He's here, babe."

"Where?"

"Over there, at the bar." Angela pointed and Ben's eyes grew wide when they landed on Edward sipping from a highball glass and talking with Angela's dad.

"No shit. There he is. ...wow. ...Edward Cullen is at my wedding. Wait til I tell Tyler and Eric."

I recognized those names. Tyler and Eric were Ben's lifelong friends and co-best men.

"You guys are acting like he's a celebrity or something," I laughed as they continued to stare at my, um...date.

"We keep forgetting that Bella left Phoenix in, like, the first week of freshman year, babe," Angela said before turning back to me. "Having a Cullen at your party was a_ huge_ deal in high school, Bell. It put you on the friggin map. A Cullen? At your party? Oh my god if you had the nerve to invite them and then they _came_, holy crap. ...Ben, remember when Rosalie _and _Jasper showed up at Tia's homecoming party? It was the social event of the year. I was SO jealous. I thought Tia was going to die from coolness. ...They're like the Kennedy's of Forks."

"Oh my god here he comes," Ben said as we watched Edward zig-zag through the tables holding a drink in each hand. When he reached us he kissed my forehead and handed me a glass.

"I thought you might like a carbonated beverage. 7-Up alright?"

"Yes, perfect," I said taking the glass and sucking down half the drink in one gulp. Edward smiled and turned to Ben and Angela who were standing there like star-struck fangirls.

"Mister and Misses Cheney," he began politely. "Please allow me to extend my heartfelt congratulations to you both on your nuptials along with my sincere wish for a long and happy marriage." He put his drink down and shook Ben's hand. He then took Angela's and placed a chaste kiss on the top of her knuckles. I don't think he even made contact with her skin. It was merely a gesture yet Angela looked like she'd just met Obama.

And with that, his attention was back fully on me. "Isabella," and the way my full name fell from his lips made my knees weak. "It would be an honor if you agreed to dance with me."

And we danced and ate and laughed and Edward drank and mingled and made friends and we were never apart for more than seconds. There were toasts and speeches and Ben and Angela covered in cake. The band played and played and we sang along and stayed on the dancefloor song after song until Edward forced me to rest. He left me to use the restroom and I sat at the table alone and watched everyone do the YMCA. I clapped along with glee.

And then I started to cry. It came out of nowhere and took over my whole body. I pushed my chair back and made a swift bee-line for the back doors that led to the courtyard. I couldn't go to the bathroom where I'd risk being seen.

With my hand over my mouth and tears streaming down my face, I suppressed my sobs until the door closed behind me and I was alone under the torchlight. I found a bench next to the fountain and let go.

The sobs turned angry. Why did everything always have to be ruined? Why couldn't I enjoy just this one night? One night without tears! Was that too much to ask? One of the last night's I had with Edward before he left me and this was how it was going to end? It wasn't fair! Why can't I be happy without feeling guilt?

A door opened and loud noises flowed outside, then it closed and the noises we gone.

"Bella?"

It was Edward's voice and I didn't want to hide from him.

"Over here," I whimpered. "By the hedge shaped like a cherub."

He followed the stone path. I heard his footsteps grow closer and I moved over on the bench to give him room.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you," I said. I didn't need to see his face to know there was concern on it. "I just needed some space."

_Space?_ I laughed out loud at that one. Space from what? From the most incredible man I'd ever met or from the most amazing party I'd ever been to? God I was fucking pathetic.

"I don't know why I'm crying. This is _nothing_ like my wedding. I shouldn't be this upset."

Edward reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a handkerchief. I dabbed it under my eyes and wiped my nose. It smelled like his cologne and I was comforted.

"I would have liked to have a big wedding like this. With lots of people. Not like I even know lots of people, but still. All my friends and family around me. That would have been nice. A band and a ball gown." I wiped my runny nose. "Oh well. It wouldn't have mattered anyways. We didn't have the money and Jake didn't want to wait."

We sat quietly, listening to the gurgling of the fountain.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said finally, turning to him. There were tears in his eyes.

"Why are you crying? Oh no, oh Edward, I'm sorry." I climbed into his lap and nuzzled against his neck, pressing kisses to the pulse in his throat. "I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing," he said softly. "Stop apologizing for my tears. Stop apologizing for your tears. Just stop."

"Ok. Sorry."

"Bella."

I giggled a little. "It's a habit. I can't help it. Sorr-...see? Now I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," he said, rubbing my back. "Crying is a natural response to an emotional state. The human body, in this case _mine_, experiences various neuronal connections at any given moment. The crying response is a complex secretory phenomenon characterized by the shedding of tears from the lacrimal apparatus, thus allowing for the removal of chemicals and irritants that can cause stress and depression. It is a very cathartic feedback system."

"Maybe that's why I do it all the time," I sniffed.

"Cut yourself some slack. You have every right to behave exactly the way you're behaving. No one is judging you."

"Oh yes they are."

"Alright then. _I'm_ not judging you, how about that?" He wrapped his arms tightly around me and pulled me close. I snuggled against the warmth of his chest and my body had another natural response to an emotional state as the tears poured forth.

"Don't leave," I cried, clutching his lapel.

"I'm not going anywhere," he hushed.

"No I mean..._stay here_. Stay with me."

I felt his throat tighten and he swallowed thickly. "I'll stay with you, Bella. For as long as I can."

I didn't have the energy to argue with him on that point. So I did what we'd been doing since we met. I avoided it.

...

"Jesus, Charlie has every kind of tequila known to man," Edward said in awe, pulling an array of bottles out of the liquor cabinet. I sat on the couch with a cup of decaf tea and watched with amusement. We were still in our party clothes, having just gotten back to my house. The festivities at the reception were still going strong and probably would be far into the night, but I was exhausted and couldn't hang anymore. Edward still had his suit jacket on and looked like a Prada model standing in a Sears catalog.

"You think he'll mind if I have a shot of 1800?"

"I don't even know what that is," I laughed. "So go ahead. Knock yourself out."

He sat on the floor by my feet, his back pressed up to the couch so I could play with his hair.

"Mm, feels good," he said, lolling his head back and closing his eyes while I rubbed his scalp. He'd found the bottle of Don Julio and was two shots in and feeling no pain.

Somehow we both ended up laying on the living room floor watching the local news without really paying attention.

"I'm think I'm falling for you, Isabella Swan," Edward sighed dreamily. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were heavy lidded. He looked adorable and vulnerable and I wanted nothing more than to press myself against his perfect body and lay with him forever.

"I _know_ I am," he said seriously this time.

"Don't say that," I sighed, rolling on my side and pulling down Edward's dress shirt that had ridden half way up his chiseled torso. His eyes followed my hand as I straightened the designer fabric across his taut stomach muscles.

"Why not? It's the truth," he breathed heavily. His mint scent mixed with tequila washed over me and my head spun. I quickly pulled my hand away. My heart was racing in my chest.

"Because," I answered dismissively. "You don't know what you're saying."

"Of course I do."

"You can't possibly. You hardly know me."

"What?" he pushed himself up on his elbows, irritation in his tone. "How can you say that? We've been hanging out for weeks, months. We _made love_. I think I know how I feel."

"You're drunk." I felt like a shit minimizing his declaration but I couldn't allow myself to believe that he meant what he was saying. We were headed toward dangerous water. The end of our relationship was nearing closer every day. If he didn't want to acknowledge it, then I would have to be the one to bring the pain.

"That I am," he hiccuped. "Very drunk. And you're beautiful. _Very_."

"Flattery will get you everywhere," I joked.

"Look, Bella...I'm not asking you to say anything back or to tell me that you feel the same way about me. I don't expect you to. In fact, given the circumstances, I'd be shocked if you did."

"What about Tanya?"

Edward frowned and looked away. "What about her?"

"Does she know you're falling for another woman?"

"No," he answered curtly and I immediately regretted saying it, fearing that I'd gone too far and hurt his feelings. But then he turned and looked at me with those shocking emerald eyes and a sly smile spread across his face.

"You're the only person I've told my secret to."

"Wow. That's very brave of you," I teased.

"Yeah right. _Brave_." He covered his face with his immaculate hands. "It only took me five tequila shots to stop shaking. Some hero I am."

"Six," I corrected, slapping him playfully on the thigh. "You're going to regret that in the morning."

"Never." He stretched out on the carpet and let out a feral groan.

"Come on. Let's get something to eat. Lucky for you, you won't remember any of this tomorrow."

"I _want_ to remember this."

"_Y_eah well, I don't want you to."

"Jesus, Bella, if I wasn't really drunk right now, that would make me _really_ fucking depressed. You sure know how to shoot a man down. You can just tell me you're not interested, y'know. That I'm a horrible disappointment in the sack-"

"You are _definitely_ not a disappointment in that area, Edward, believe me. You were _amazing_ last night. And I had a great time with you tonight. _Whenever_ we spend time together I have so much fun. The last thing I want is for you to remember tonight and the beautiful things you said to me and to regret them along with your pounding hangover. I don't think I could handle the rejection."

"I told you I _loved you_. Last night when we were making love. I meant it, Bella. I love you. I probably shouldn't have told you like that, but I couldn't help it."

"Then why did you tell me?"

"I wanted you to know how I felt. I didn't want you to have to guess or wonder. _If _you were guessing or wondering, that is. Now you know. Edward Cullen loves you. Alot. You said you weren't capable of being loved. You said that nobody knows you. But I know you, Bella. I do."

"I'm afraid."

"Me too. I've never felt this way before, for anyone, ever."

We stood and I slid his jacket from his shoulders. Hand in hand we ascended the staircase to my bedroom where we removed our clothing and touched each other and joined our bodies and he made me feel things in ways I have never felt before, with anyone, ever.

* * *

**Thank you to The Black Keys for the song and to all of you who read and review.**


	22. Heart of darkness

She laid her head on my chest

As the sun burned down the west

There's one thing we still got

There's one more dance in this parking lot

Oh yeah, I got a heart of darkness.

**EPOV **

"_Edward, you have to go. You're already a week late for your rounds. There's only so many liberties the board is going to give you...and me for that matter. I can make another donation to the children's wing to back them off, but Edward, you have to start your life."_

My bags had been packed for a week; piled in the foyer by the front door, waiting to be taken back to Boston. But instead of loading them into the car and beginning my journey, I walked by them every day, out the door without a second look in their direction. I wore the same clothes for a week so I wouldn't have to go near them or acknowledge their presence or admit that they contained the things I need. Because they didn't. They didn't contain what I really needed. What I really needed was what I was going out that door every day to get. Her. I needed her like air.

_Stay with me_, she'd asked, and whether or not she knew what she was saying in a moment of weakness, wild dogs couldn't have kept me from her side. Every moment that was left would be with her, filled with her. There would be no separation of our bodies. If she moved, I moved. And vice versa. She held me as often as I held her. She kissed me without warning and pulled me on top of her where I fit between her legs like a puzzle piece and moved in her as though it were my sole purpose in life to give her pleasure. She'd straddle me without hesitation and ride me confidently; more confidently than the first time when she covered her chest with her arms and blushed at the way her belly bulged. Now when she slid down onto my length we moaned in unison and my hands roamed across her soft stomach, up her torso to her tender swollen breasts. And when she came, she cried out and fisted her hair in her hands and I bucked up to meet her and dug my fingers into her fleshy hips. And we writhed and twisted and every time was magic.

Then one day I told her about Tanya. And everything changed.

The subject finally broke open the day I gave her a gift that I'd brought back from my previous trip to Boston but somehow hadn't gotten around to giving her.

"A onesie?" she looked at me curiously, pulling it out of it's red and blue tissue paper. She was sweaty with just a sheet wrapped around her and I thought at that moment that she'd never looked more beautiful.

"Not just _any_ onesie. It's an Official Boston _Red Sox_ onesie. Straight from the gift shop at Fenway Park. ...Fenway Park is the stadium in Boston where the Red Sox play."

"I know that much," she laughed, holding up the little jumper with the embroidered 'B' across the front. "Thank you, Edward. This is very cute. I'll make sure he or she wears it proudly, but not in front of Charlie of course. I'm sure he'll have a Mariner's outfit picked out for every occasion." She paused and a faraway look clouded her eyes and it was about to happen. The talk was coming.

"Edward-"

"I know," I interrupted. I needed to speak first. I knew what she was going to say because I heard it in my sleep.

"I'll come back as often as I can."

"How often is often?" she asked sadly. "Every holiday?"

"Well, um," I stuttered. She was frowning and it made me crazy with worry. "It's difficult to get away around the holidays. Residents tend to get the shit end of the stick. Low end of the totem pole and all, but I can pull strings."

"Pull rank, y'mean. Name drop," she rolled her eyes. "You can't do that, Edward. You've never used who you were to get where you are and you can't start now because of me. Plus...there's the small fact that you have a _girlfriend_, Edward. What is she going to think about her boyfriend up and leaving every few weeks to fly across the country? ...This is all my fault. I've been ignoring the awful truth, pretending that this little space in time we've been living in would last forever; _sleeping_ with you, falling for you, when this whole time you've belonged to someone else."

"Tanya and I are done. Bella," I took her china doll hand in mine. It was trembling, along with her chin. "I ended our 'relationship', or whatever you want to call it, the last time I was out there. It's over. We're over."

"_What?_" She pulled her hand away and faced the window with a stony expression. "Why would you do that?"

"Huh? I thought you'd be glad."

"Glad? I'm not glad. You shouldn't have broken up with her. There was no reason to do that."

Her voice was so fucking cold. Chilling and sharp and the icy shards cut me to the quick, slicing at the very framework of the delicate tapestry we'd been weaving this summer.

"Wait," my head was spinning. I stood up and it spun more. "You'd rather I _cheated_? You'd prefer me to be a _cheater_? This whole time that you were sleeping with me you thought I had Tanya waiting back in Boston. Were you hanging onto that so it would be easier to let me go when the time came? To not get too attached? Or...was this just sex? Is that it, Bella? Was all this, all that we had, just something to do to pass the time?"

The silence in the air told me that I would not be receiving a response to any of those questions.

"You deserve someone like her," she said it like she actually believed it. "She's right for you. She fits in with your life and your family and your money and your education and your future. She's what's best for you."

"Why don't you let me decide what's best for me, huh? It's worked out pretty well so far."

"Edward, please. This is how it should be. You belong with her. Not me."

"You're right. You can't even look at me which must mean your mind's made up. ...Well. This was a lot of fun, but I can see that it was merely a distraction. I'm glad to have served my purpose. I'll be going back to where I belong."

I was being dramatic. I knew it, but I couldn't stop. I was outside my body looking in, watching as I picked my clothes up from the floor and threw them on. I searched for my shoes and found them under the bed. Bella was still sitting up in bed but I would only allow myself to see her out of the blurry corners of my eyes. Her mouth was moving. There were words but I wouldn't listen to them.

I was down the stairs and at the door with my hand on the knob when I heard her crying.

**BPOV**

It was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Harder than standing at my husband's grave. Harder than speaking at his funeral. Harder than watching that stick turn positive.

I was causing another human being's pain and I was doing it on purpose. Killing the only living unicorn or destroying a rare orchid. Edward was such a being and I was breaking him.

Could he see that I was a coward? Did he notice the coward unable to make eye contact as she slung her poisonous darts? How the coward couldn't watch as they made contact with the flesh and bone of the man she loved. No. She had to look away and concentrate on holding back her traitorous tears. Cowardly coward.

I collapsed to the mattress and sobbed at the loss of him. He'd left and that display was how it happened. I pressed my face into the pillow and pulled another one over my head to stifle the horrendous sounds I made as I tried to purge the ugliness of what I'd done from my system. I managed to pull on my nightdress that was crumpled at the bottom of the bed. The sight of it only made me cry harder, recalling how he was the last person to touch it as he pulled it off my body.

_I'm sorry. Edward, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know any other way. I love you. Please read my thoughts and know what you mean to me._

"Hey."

His voice. I was officially hallucinating as I suffocated myself.

And then his smell and the bed sagged with the weight of him.

I wasn't hallucinating. He was real. He'd come back.

I lifted my head.

"Bella open you eyes," he said.

"_You're here._"

"I can go if you want me to."

"No no! I don't want you to!" My eyes flew open and there he was just as glorious as before I'd hurt him.

"I couldn't go knowing you were in here crying. I'm not that much of an asshole, Bella."

"You're not an asshole at all. I'm the asshole. Listen to the awful things I just fucking said. They were disgusting."

"I heard them."

"Can you forgive me?"

"You know the answer to that question."

He was right. Of course he was. He knew me.

"But you have to go." I swallowed painfully.

"Yes."

"When?"

"Technically? Last week," he shrugged. "I can't put it off much longer though. Every day my father looks at me and I shake my head no, that it's not the day. He did it this morning. He'll do it again tomorrow."

"So_ technically_ you should be leaving _tomorrow_?"

"At the latest."

I shook my head back and forth, faster faster and sucked my lip into my mouth. _No. No no no nononononono god no!_

"I know." He dropped his forehead to mine. "I know," he said softer this time. And then he was up and pacing the room, hands on his hips and I coughed at the pull of the hook in my chest. He was pacing and arguing with himself, hands in his hair and then tangling his fingers together.

"I can change," he said finally, sitting back down on the bed next to me. "I can do my residency in Seattle. At Northwest. My father knows people. He'll make a few calls. Bella, we can make this work."

"Northwest? Over Harvard? Edward, that's crazy. _Harvard_. It's a great opportunity."

"You think I should go." His eyes betrayed his cool expression and I felt his fingers slack in my hands.

I forced a stoic smile. "You're going to be a wonderful doctor, Edward. I'm so proud of you."

He shook his head in disbelief and his brow creased.

"It's for the best. Tanya or no Tanya. We knew this was going to happen. ...You're going to do amazing things."

"Stop saying that."

"Come on, Edward. This isn't easy for me either. But you don't want this life. Look at me. Dead end job. Living with my father. Six months pregnant with another man's child. That's what I have to offer you? I'm a joke."

"You're not. You're so much more than that."

"I'm not enough to keep you here."

"What do I have to do? Tell me and I'll do it."

"Take care of yourself." I cut him off and the look that crossed his face cleaved my heart down the middle.

"I love you, Bella. Don't do this."

I choked on my tears and took his face in my hands. I pressed my lips to his and our mouths quivered together.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me."

"_Bella, please-_" he pleaded and the tears streamed down his cheeks. I wiped them with the pads of my thumbs and kissed him sweetly for the last time. His hands found their way to the back of my hair and he ran his fingers through the thick strands. "Oh god I'm going to miss you so much. This, your eyes, your smell, your skin, your laugh, the way you make me feel," he cried holding me tight and there was nothing I could do but hug him back and say goodbye.

* * *

***sniff* so that was the goodbye chapter. short but effective, I hope. next chapter after the holidays. Happy HoHoHo everyone! **


	23. The colors are bright as ever

Many thanks to those of you that read and review and provide constructive criticism. It's valued and appreciated. Unfortunately when negative reviews are left without an option for me to reply, I have no other choice but to address it here. So - if my writing is thought to be "boring" or "dreadful", or if you hate my interpretations of Bella and Edward, please, DON'T READ MY STORIES. It's easy. Go away and find another story that gives you what you want. There are _thousands_ of them out there. k? great. bye.

aanyways...as always S. Meyer owns Twilight.

* * *

Your picture is still on my wall, on my wall  
I think about you often, often  
I won't forget all the things we did

- Daniel Johnston

**October**

Maggie was on the top step of the ladder installing brackets for the new line of women's sportswear we would be carrying this winter. Mike had let me handle the negotiations with the various clothing vendors and after a very tough decision, I finally settled on a brand that was stylish, functional, _and_ affordable. I was getting the hang of this management thing and Mike was being increasingly supportive, giving me added responsibility and letting me stand on my own two feet without watching over my shoulder or micromanaging my every move. I asked him a ton of questions though, but he always had the answer. I hadn't realized how much work went into running a store. It's not just about ringing up customers, tidying shelves, and cashing out the register at closing time. There's ordering and inventory and staffing and inspections and payroll and benefits packages and quality control and budgets and goals and profit analysis. But I was catching on quickly. In fact Mike said I had a natural "brain for business". Too bad I never got to use that brain in my old office job back in Phoenix.

I stood at the bottom of the ladder and assessed the dimensions of the far wall, trying to determine the best arrangement for the new display. _Long thermal bottoms on the bottom or on the sides? Draw attention to the trendy weather resistant outerwear or the comfy/sexy inner sweat-resistant tanks?_ Hmm. Decisions, decisions.

"Mags, maybe move that bar a little further to the right. Be careful though. Don't lose your balance. Perfect. Right there. Hmm."

Maggie had stayed on after the summer ended. She didn't talk much but I could tell that she needed the money. It was apparent that she was as much a contributor to her household economy as her mother. I admired her work ethic and did my best to throw her extra shifts whenever I could, keeping in mind that she also had schoolwork that needed her attention. I didn't mind when I saw her in the break room with books spread out on the table. A wise use of time, I told her.

"Mags, maybe we could move those designs over there and...hmm..." I thought out loud. The wall seemed cluttered. The shirts too close together. I paced the length of the wall. The colors didn't blend well and were creating a muddled mish-mash pattern that would deter customers.

My back began to throb. Just the latest thing that was happening to my body whenever I stood too long. I rubbed my shoulder and sighed.

"How about we break for lunch. Come on down. We'll go to the diner. My treat."

Maggie smiled and nodded and began her descent down the ladder. I watched her take the first few steps and was headed to the register when I heard her cry out. A terrible crash followed and then a thud and then a louder, deafening torment as the ladder fell on top of her, knocking down several racks in it's wake.

"Maggie!" I cried out, racing through the aisle. "MIKE! TREVOR!" I screamed and they came running out of the stockroom in panic. When I reached Maggie I found her pinned under the ladder, her leg tangled through the rungs, her arm disappeared under a rack of long underwear. There was blood gushing from her eye where her head had hit the floor.

"Maggie! You're going to be ok. Stay still. We're gonna get you out." I attempted to lift the ladder but Mike was there to push me out of the way.

"Bella are you crazy? Let me do that. Go call an ambulance. Trevor, get on that side and help me." Mike's voice was stern, yet calm, and I followed his direction. I called for an ambulance and showed the EMT's in when they arrived. They attached Maggie to a stretcher, hooked her up to various blinking machines, and loaded her into the back of the ambulance. Before they left they asked me if I was alright. I said I was fine, that I wanted to go with her. She shouldn't be alone, I said. I was there when it happened and I wanted to stay by her side. They agreed and I told Mike that I would meet him at the hospital when he came by.

I gave the medics her information. _Her name's Margaret Trimble. She's sixteen_. _No allergies I'm aware of_. On the way I called Maggie's mother to tell her what happened. There was no answer.

After waiting for more than two hours in the lobby of the ER, I was told that Maggie had been moved for more x-rays and to have her bones set. _Was I her legal guardian?_ No. I signed where they told me to sign and kept trying to get in contact with Maggie's mother.

Hours later I was given the number of Maggie's recovery room. It was a shock to see her swallowed in blankets, so small in such a large bed, her little arm wrapped shoulder to wrist in thick, white bandages, a gauze square taped above her eye, a purple bruise forming underneath it. She was awake, groggy but awake. I walked in slowly.

"Hi Bella," she said. Her voice was hoarse.

"Hey, Mags. How was your trip?" A moment went by while the joke registered and we both broke out in a much needed laugh.

...

"Thank you, Bella. For staying with me. You're good at this, yknow. Taking care of things. Of people. You're going to be a great mom."

I brushed the compliment away and squeezed her hand.

The door opened and a tall man in a long lab coat walked in.

"Let's see what we've got on the menu today," he started without introduction. The name tag on his pocket said, Dr. Leary.

"Broken arm, check. Slight concussion, check. Twisted knee, check. Bruised rib, only very slightly bruised, check. ...Well, Miss Trimble, you took quite a tumble, didn't ya? I think that's everything on the list of things we've fixed today. That's what we do here. Fix things. All day every day. We're your one stop shop for all your body repair needs."

This doc was funny. A little corny, but he was making Maggie giggle so it was worth it. Then he turned to me.

"Well hello there, young lady. Looks like we'll be seeing _you_ again soon, won't we? In what, eight weeks or so?" the doctor kidded, pointing his clipboard at my belly.

"Um, yes. About eight weeks," I swallowed the words with a smile.

...

I brought Maggie a package of cookies from the cafeteria. Her eyes widened like a kid on Christmas

"Better than that funky jello crap," I joked, breaking off a piece and sticking it in her eager open mouth.

"Has the doctor been back?" I asked. She chewed and shook her head no.

"Isn't your boyfriend a doctor?"

My face heated and I fingered the brilliant sapphire that hung delicately around my neck. I hadn't taken it off since the day he'd given it to me. It was all that was left of him; my little piece of him, my beautiful reminder.

"That hot guy that always comes in to see you. ...Edward, right?"

I flinched at the sound of his name.

"Yes, he um..." I stammered.

"He's your boyfriend, right? Wow." She sighed and her head fell back to the pillow. "He's sooo beautiful. My friend Roxy was in the store one day when he came in and she said she had to hide in the aisle because she didn't want him to see her. She said she just wanted to keep looking at him from a distance without him knowing she was there, because if he looked at her she'd die. She's so funny. Anyway, he's a doctor right?"

She was too young to realize that this line of questioning was making me wildly uncomfortable. Lunch breaks with Edward had become the best part of each boring day at Newton's Sporting Goods and one of the hardest things to get used to the end of once he was gone.

"Yes," I answered bluntly. "He went back to Boston. To do his residency. That's when-"

"I know what it is. I watch Scrubs. That sucks though. You must miss him a lot."

I fumbled around in my brain for an explanation that would begin to scratch the surface of the 24/7 chest punch that was the absence of him.

_Imagine living each day without be able to take a full breath._ Or, _Imagine living each day still starving no matter how much you were allowed to eat_.

Luckily Maggie was distracted by chocolate chips and didn't wait for an answer.

...

"Remember that essay you helped me with last week? I got an A."

"Maggie!" I exclaimed, playfully slapping her blanketed leg. "Good for you. I knew you could do it."

"Only because you helped me."

"No way. You can do anything you put your mind to."

"So can you." She smiled and her lids drooped heavily. She was asleep in two minutes and I went back to reading a magazine.

Mike quietly slipped in the room and I gave him an appreciative smile. He pulled a chair up to the bedside.

"How is she?"

"Exhausted. But the doctor said she'll make a full recovery. Bones and bruises heal. The nurses keep trying to get in touch with her mother but there's no answer every time. Not even a machine picks up to leave a message."

"Weird," Mike frowned A yawn escaped my mouth and Mike put his hand on my shoulder. "She isn't the only one who looks exhausted, Bella. Why don't you go home and get some rest. I'll stay here until her mother comes."

"Yeah?" I yawned again. "Ok thanks. Call me if anything changes."

"You got it." He took the magazine I'd been reading without looking at the cover and I chuckled at the face he made when he noticed it was _American Baby_.

"It's either that or _Fit Pregnancy_," I said with a snort.

"This is fine," he replied, settling in and putting the magazine on his lap. "We all came from a woman."

"Mike, I think that's the most mature thing I have ever heard you say."

He nodded in agreement. "I'm working on it."

...

"Bella? Is that you?" Charlie's voice came from the living room as I closed the front door loudly. He sounded shaken and concerned. The clock on the wall said 11:37pm. Well that would make sense. I was six hours late getting home from work.

"Oh thank god it _is_ you. You're alright." He came around the corner and hugged me. My father _hugged_ me. Wow he must have been really worried. "You _are_ alright, aren't you?" He stepped back and looked me over.

"Dad I'm fine." There were bags under my eyes and I was white as a sheet but I was fine.

"Alice called. She said she's been trying to reach you all day but your cell phone kept going straight to voicemail."

"Maggie from the store fell off a ladder and had to be rushed to the hospital. I've been there all day."

"Oh my, is she going to be ok?"

"She'll heal." I kicked off my shoes and trudged into the kitchen.

"You should call Alice. Or do that thing on the computer where you can see her."

"Skype, dad."

"Yeah that. Skype her. She has something to tell you. She's waiting up, so you should do it right now cuz it's like three in the morning over there or something."

"Are you and Alice getting married, dad? Is that what she wants to tell me?" I teased and his cheeks burned bright red.

"That's enough smart talk outta you, missy," he grumbled. "Now get upstairs and call your friend."

It had been a month since Edward left. Four weeks, five days, and eighteen hours to be exact. Not that I was counting or logging the fact that he'd missed my birthday, my first childbirth class, my blood glucose screening, three emo breakdowns, the beginning of autumn in the Pacific Northwest, and a partridge in a pear tree.

But what hurt more than those things, more than anything that was happening in my life, was not knowing what _I_ was missing out on in _his_ life. How was his residency going? Was it cold in Boston? What was he eating for dinner? Hospital cafeteria food? Or was Tanya cooking for him? Did she know that he preferred mustard to mayo? Or course she did.

In his defense, he had texted me on my birthday – September 13th at 2am his time, 11pm mine. I imagined him laying in his bed, alone I hoped, exhausted from a long day at the hospital, shirtless, phone in one hand, his other arm folded behind his head. His soft armpit air. His sweet damp scent.

The simple text was still saved in my phone.

_Thinking of you always. Happy birthday. Love, Edward._

We had talked on the phone a few times since Edward's arrival back on the east coast but once his full-time rounds began the phone calls came less and less and were eventually replaced with texts that grew shorter and shorter until one day they too ceased completely.

"Bella!" Alice shrieked, her pixelated pxie-head coming into focus on my computer screen. She looked angelic as always. Europe suited her. She'd cut her hair again. It framed her face, angling down her cheekbones and meeting symmetrically at her chin.

"Hey guess who else is here and wants to say hi?" she squealed with glee. Suddenly three more faces filled the frame. Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper pushed in and surrounded Alice in a circle of friends that I missed more than I allowed myself to admit.

"Hey Bella! Wuzzup, Jelly Belly? Hi Bell, how's Forks treatin ya?" they all shouted in unison.

"We miss you so much, Bella," Alice managed to say amid the commotion.

"I miss you guys too," I said, my elbows digging into my thighs, my nose pressed to the computer screen. "Alot."

We caught up on all the formalities and I listened intently as they went on and on about life in Paris - the weird food, the wild night life. Rosalie's line had been shown in over a dozen runway shows and was being picked up in several high end boutiques. She'd even designed a wedding dress for a Parisian socialite which in itself made the move to France worth the trip. We talked for over an hour, carefully dodging the subject of you-know-who. Jasper and Rosalie made mention of "mom and dad" and "home" and "the family" without mentioning their brother specifically and I knew it was for my sake entirely.

"Oh and Bella, we have a surprise for youuuuuu!" Rosalie cooed like Marilyn Monroe.

"We're coming home!" Alice cried out, beating Rose to the punch. "At the end of the month for two whole weeks! Aren't you excited!"

"Of course I'm excited! I miss you guys like crazy. What's the occasion?"

"To check in on the status of the Seattle store," Rosalie explained. "I'm hoping to have the Grand Opening in December, in time for the holidays."

"And you know what _else_ is happening in December," Alice winked with her whole face. "So while we're home we're throwing you the HUGEST baby shower ever! You can't say no so don't even try. It's already been planned."

"We're having it at my house," Rosalie said. "Mother had the menu and guest list picked out before we'd finished telling her the idea."

"And_ I'm_ handling the decorations," Alice chirped.

"Naturally," I grinned.

"By the way, how was Angela's wedding? I'm so bummed I couldn't make it. Did you have a good time?" she asked. It was an innocent enough question. Alice left for Paris soon after we received the formal invitations and we hadn't talked since the wedding had taken place, which meant I hadn't told her that I'd gone with Edward as my date. I caught Rose throwing a _'shutupshutupshutup_' look in her direction and tension filled the screen. Four frozen faces stared at me. Apparently she knew, but had forgotten. My thoughts turned to the photo of Edward and I, taken at the wedding by one of the many photographers. It was a candid of he and I on the dancefloor, our arms wrapped around each other during a slow dance and I could still feel the strength of his embrace, the warmth of his body the feeling of his breath in my hair.

Alice's expression filled with regret. Her eyes darted between the faceless webcam and the real ones around her, "Sorry, bunny. I wasn't thinking. I forgot that you went with...I mean, well, he mentioned it in passing, the last time he talked to Rose. I mean, when he called Rose he said, shit, I don't know what's ok to say to her, ok? She really liked him. I'll shut up now."

"It's fine guys, really. You don't have to tiptoe around me."

"Have you spoken to...him?" Alice asked carefully.

I shook my head. "...How is he?"

"We don't get much out of him," Rosalie said, quickly turning to Jasper who nodded. "Yeah he keeps it short."

"Maybe to his nosey-ass siblings," Emmett blurted out, his dimples in full effect. "But I happen to know that he's still crazy about you, Bella." All remaining heads on the screen whipped around in horror.

"What are you all looking at me like that for?" he shrugged. "He didn't say not to tell her. It's not like it's a secret, right? He talks about her all the time."

"Emmett!" Rosalie growled.

"He does?" My heart somersaulted. "He talks about me?"

"Asks a million questions is more like it," Emmett laughed and did his best Edward impression, which was horrid but sweet. "_So, uh, how's Bella? Is she seeing anyone? How's she feeling? Just, y'know, wondering, that's all._"

"Why doesn't he call me?"

"That's what _I_ said. Guys, eh?" Em winked. "Maybe he thinks you wouldn't tell him if you were, y'know, seeing someone or something."

"That's quite enough, Emmett," Rosalie spat, strong-arming him out of the picture. "Bella doesn't have to tell us anything. If Edward wants to know who's sleeping in her bed he can ask her himself. We are not his messenger owls. ...Sorry, Bella, my brother may be brilliant but he has alot of growing up to do."

"No more than I do," I said in his defense, suddenly protective over the man who hadn't picked up the phone to call or text me in eighteen days.

"Oh come on Bella," Rose moved to argue, crossing her arms and taking a deep breath.

"It's true," I interrupted. "Twelve year old girls can have babies. Getting pregnant doesn't make you a grown up."

"You've been through more in the last year -"

I wouldn't let her go on. "It's how you deal with what you're dealt that makes you who you are. And I've used Jake's death and my pregnancy as a crutch for long enough. It's time I got off my ass, prepared for my child's arrival, and made a plan for the future. No more going through the motions. I want more out of life and it's not going to just fall in my lap. I have to go out and get it."

Saying the words out loud sent a jolt of adrenaline through my veins. There was still time. The pieces were there. It was merely a matter of putting them together, setting my fear of failure aside and _doing_ something with my life, something that I would be proud to tell my child about.

A sudden commotion coming from downstairs distracted me from my thoughts and from the conversation at hand.

"Hang on a sec, guys. I'll be right back." I blew a kiss at the screen and hurried out of the room.

Reaching the top of the stairs I skidded to a halt and grabbed the railing for support.

My eyes had to be deceiving me.

"That was fast," Alice said when my ashen face reappeared on the screen. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I have to go. Jake's family is here."


	24. Some things last a long time

**And it's true, but it's not funny **  
**Time comes and goes **  
**All of the while, I still think about you **  
**Some things last a long time **

- Daniel Johnston

_"I have to go. Jake's family is here." _

The confidence I'd built up over the last few months fell to pieces as I descended the staircase. Jake's family had always made me nervous. They were so tightly knit; a family unit deep-rooted in a history so rich and storied that I never completely felt like I belonged, like I was eavesdropping on a secret meeting, not quite part of the exclusive club. And no matter how many times Jake tried to include me in on the inside jokes and traditions, I never fully understood them or was able to contribute clever anecdotes of my own. I was an outsider invited to sit at their table.

And the way they had banded together after Jake and Billy's deaths, still continuing the weekly traditions of going to the movies and family dinners, leaving me hanging in the breeze like a prisoner in a tower. It stung more than I admitted to myself. Even if I _had _taken it hard, even if I _had _withdrawn and become distant, my fucking _husband_ fucking _died_! I was lost and wandering and walled off. I needed them and they bailed on me.

And then I left. I packed up and moved back to Forks with nothing but a few voicemails as goodbyes.

"Paul. Leah." I forced a smile and stopped on the bottom step, my hand clutching the banister. "Is...everything ok?" I didn't know what else to say. It had been months and all the speeches I'd practiced and prepared in the weeks following the funeral were now blurry and faded.

"We can't stay long," Leah said, crossing her arms and staring off towards the kitchen. She seemed cold, both in temperature and demeanor. "Just for a night or two. Emily is having her baby any day now and we're headed to Tucson to be with her. Y'know, cuz she actually_ told _us she was pregnant."

_Ah. So here it comes. Someone's bitter._

"It was the only time we could get away so we decided to make a big road trip out of it," Paul interjected, approaching me with a smile on his face. "We've let too much time go by already, Bella." He stopped in front of me and I realized I was still glued to the bottom stair.

_Move, Bella._

I stepped down and leaned into his honest embrace. The last time we'd hugged was at Memory Lawn as we left the burial service and I remembered how comforting it was, how much I needed that hug and how for a long time Paul was the closest thing I had to a brother.

Leah was still frowning at the kitchen like a sad clown. Even though she was on my turf and I wanted to hurt her for the way she had hurt me, I couldn't do it. Vindictive was not the kind of person I was brought up to be. I needed to break the ice. With some chamomile. Her favorite.

I took a deep breath and smoothed my hands through my hair.

"Can I get you both a cup of tea?"

Leah and Paul sat on the couch with their mugs resting on coasters. I placed a tray of cookies on the coffee table and turned to find something else from the kitchen that needed to be brought into the living room for no reason.

"We're fine, Bella. Please, sit down," Paul said with a smile.

Playing the hostess was an avoidance tactic I'd learned from Renee but I acquiesced, taking a deep breath and plunking into Charlie's worn recliner.

"You kept it up," Leah said, pointing to the wedding portrait on the wall.

"Why wouldn't I?" I stared at her waiting for an answer, but she just shrugged and changed the subject.

"You look great, Bella," she said and I believed that she meant it. _I knew the chamomile would melt that cold exterior._

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm sorry for not calling," I blurted out. "It was unexpected, the pregnancy, and I didn't know how to handle it. I was in denial for a long time. I meant to call but-"

"Yeah we had to hear it from your mother," Leah spat and bared her teeth. "I thought we were closer than that. I thought I'd be one of the first people you'd call."

"Leah-" Paul cringed like he'd been expecting this.

"You did?" I asked defensively, and then it all came pouring out, all the weeks and months of neglect from the people who'd been the closest to me for years. We spent every weekend together, days at a time under the same roof. And to be discarded, shrugged off? The anger surged.

"When exactly? During a movie night I wasn't invited to? Or a barbecue you forgot to tell me about? Or a visit to the house that you never took? Why didn't you come see me, Leah?" I cried. "I was there every day, alone in that big fucking house! All alone. Alone." The tears came and I didn't push them away.

"I'd hear the phone ring but I couldn't get out of bed. I needed you! I needed someone to _help_ me!" I was yelling now from the edge of the recliner.

"I – I thought," she shook her leg nervously. "Your mother was there. And your father for a bit. I thought you needed your family more."

"_What? You_ were my family!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did she honestly expect me to believe this shit? These short sentences were supposed to be my explanation for why my so-called extended family deserted me in my darkest hour? It was infuriating.

"You wanna know why I left Phoenix in the night like a fucking criminal? _That's_ why! There was nothing left for me there after Jake died, because you know what? He was all I ever really had! You never liked me, did you Leah? Without Jake there was no need for me anymore, no reason to have to deal with me, to have to see my stupid face every day, to have to keep up the pretense that you cared about me. I was out of your hair. What a relief, huh!"

"Bella," Paul stuck out his hand to stop my hysterical tirade.

"No, Paul," I said quickly, darting my eyes back to Leah's shell-shocked face. I never, ever acted like this. In fact I don't think either of them had ever heard me raise my voice before. But, like they said, they came all this way so I may as well give them a show.

"You wrote me _once_. A letter that came wrapped around a check for my portion of my late husband's life savings. Remember that? You signed it _Love, Leah_ with two _xo's _underneath."

"You never wrote back," she replied quietly.

"There was no return address. You may as well have signed it _Fuck off_."

"I think what Bella is trying to say, honey," Paul interjected. It was weird to hear him call her 'honey'. They'd been flirt-friends ever since I can remember and it was something I endlessly teased Leah about whenever we all hung out together. Her doe eyes, his roaming hands. They were like seventh graders. It was cute. Innocent. But right now it was just making me sick.

"What is she trying to say?" Leah snarked. Paul sighed and took her hand in his. I counted backwards from ten in my head. Once I hit one I was getting up and leaving this conversation.

"Bella needed _you_ to keep up with_ her_. To go the extra mile. To put a little more effort into keeping in touch."

Leah grumbled something under her breath but Paul's words didn't have the effect on her that he'd expected. What _did _he expect?

"So you're having the baby here? Raising it here?"

"Yep," I answered curtly. Those were the extent of my immediate plans.

"And what about the house in Phoenix? Are you planning on selling it?"

"Irina's living there." They had no idea who Irina was so I clarified. "She's a friend from the office."

"Living there? And paying rent?"

The hairs on the back of my neck bristled like they used to when I was scolded by my parents.

"She's paying what it costs me for her to live there plus her share of the taxes accrued during her stay. The house is payed off, Leah. I don't have a mortgage. Why am I explaining myself to you?"

It didn't matter anymore. I was over it. Over them. It was after midnight and I'd had a long, tiring day of hospitals and ambulances and doctors and tomorrow would be more of the same.

"Well, guys, this has been a real blast," I said sarcastically, slowing easing my body weight off the recliner. "Thanks for coming all this way to, well I don't know exactly why you came but whatever. Please give Emily my best. I'm sure she thinks I'm an asshole too for not sending a card or a gift, but hey, it's not like she told me about her pregnancy either. I had to hear it from you. Funny, huh? And Sam's alive, so that's a bonus. He'll actually be able to witness the the birth of his child." _Stick that where the sun don't shine_, I smirked.

"I'm sure you both can see your way out."

"Bella wait," Paul rose. He looked down at Leah. "_Leah_," he growled through gritted teeth. "This is not why we came here." Leah sighed and stood on shaky legs. She looked as though the last thirty seconds had aged her in years.

"Bella. I'm sorry. ...Paul's right. I hate that he is because it means I was wrong. But he is right. I should have called more. I should have come over while you were still in Phoenix. I should have invited you to the house even if I thought you wouldn't come. Maybe then you wouldn't have left. Oh I don't know why I didn't do it. Maybe I was just scared. Scared that seeing you would make me sad. God that's selfish, isn't it, but it's true. I've known Jake since he was five years old. We grew up together. I used to have such a massive crush on him, before I met Paul, and before Jake met you. My loyalty has always been to him and the tribe. You never stood a chance. Jake and Billy's deaths were a crushing blow to the family. We all took it harder than we may have let on and...For a moment we blamed you-"

"Join the club," I muttered.

"...I guess, and this is going to sound so horrible but, we didn't want you around. None of us ever said that out loud, we knew we were being shitty, but the pain...oh Bella you know the pain. You'll do anything to lessen it even if it means shifting more of it onto someone else...in this case, you. I'm sorry."

"Look maybe it's helping you to purge all these pent up emotions, but it's taken me a really long time to stop hating myself for what happened, and listening to you say these things to me, I feel like I'm being punished all over again. I've made my peace with Jake and I'm moving on with my life."

"Can we still be a part of it?"

"How?" I snorted. "By kidnapping my child and bringing him or her back to be raised by the tribe? Uh uh. No way. My child will know their father, I promised Jake that, but I will not let them be brainwashed into thinking their mother was a worthless impostor."

"Oh come on Bella, don't be ridiculous," Leah laughed. "We don't think those things about you, and we would never try and take your child away. The reason we're here, the reason why I just said what I said is not because I think how we behaved was right, but simply because you deserve to know the truth. I can't change the past but I would like to mend the present and have hope for the future."

"We love you, Bella," Paul said, placing his warm hand on my arm. "Embry and Jared, they ask about you all the time. They're the ones who've given us the most shit for not reaching out to you sooner."

"All the fun we used to have - the parties, the birthdays, the night's by the fire - all that stuff was real, Bella. You were like a sister to me. If you can forgive us for how we acted we'd really like to have you back in our lives again, you _and_ the little one when he or she arrives."

"Whaddya say, Bell?" Paul asked, his expression filled with hope.

My eyes darted between their faces. _Aunt Leah and Uncle Paul._ Jake would want me to make this right. Even though I still wanted to smack her, I'd play nice for Jake. Oh what the hell.

I smiled a small smile and nodded. "You, uh, you guys wanna see the baby's room?"

I opened the door and flipped on the lights. The smell of paint hit me in the face and memories of the remodel stuck me everywhere like little pins.

"Wow. Charlie did all this? It's wonderful."

"Yeah right," I snorted. "He'd like to take all the credit but it was really the handiwork of-" I couldn't remember the last time I'd spoken his name out loud except in my dreams, but I had to get on with it. Leah was staring at me with those dark black eyes of hers.

"His name is, uh...Ed-Edward. Cullen. His family is The Cullen's. They live down the road, and up the mountain, and yeah, anyway. He did it."

"Is this him?" Leah asked, holding something in her hand. I took a step closer and realized she was holding the 'before and after' photos Edward had taken of the room during each step of the process. They were still on the windowsill where he'd left them the last time we were in here together. Leah leafed through them quizzically.

"Gorgeous," she murmured.

"Yeah he did a great job," I smiled weakly, wanting nothing more than to leave the room, crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Being in here made it hard to breathe, which was why I hadn't been back inside since Edward left. It was a portal straight to the core of the missing and longing and ache that lived inside of me for him.

"No, I mean, _yes_ he did a great job but I meant _he's_ gorgeous." She held up the one of Edward bending down to dip a roller in a paint tray. He was wearing a white sleeveless tank and paint splattered jeans. His hair had white paint streaked through it and paint droplets dotted his face and biceps. He was dripping with sweat but still managed to flash the camera a devilish smile. I had only been able to look at the photo for a blush-filled second as I was leaving the Photo Hut before putting it at the bottom on the pile, but Leah kept staring at it.

"So who is he? Like, a friend of the family?"

"He's my friend Alice's friend Rosalie's brother," I answered quickly, the heat rising to my cheeks.

"Uh huh. And he just volunteered to build a nursery for you? Out of the blue? That's really nice of an almost stranger." Her tone was playful, not accusatory, yet I still felt incredibly uncomfortable insinuating the possibility of having feelings for another man. If she only knew how deep and ingrained my feelings for Edward were.

"I'm sure he just felt bad for me," I shrugged. "And it gave him something to do before he went back to medical school. In Boston. Where he is right now."

"Hot_ and_ a doctor? I should have known. Did you hear that, Paul? Bella's got herself a hot doctor friend that moonlights as an interior design artist." Leah winked at me. This was the playful Leah I knew.

Paul looked at the photo and smiled, pacing around the room in awe. "This is really well done work, Bella. Sturdy construction. Top of the line windows to keep out the draft and keep in the heat. The molding is perfectly level." He slid his hand across the windowsill. "Sanded and stained. Not a single dip or break in the joints of the wood flooring. This must have cost a fortune. My buddy Stan does this for a living and he charges an arm and a leg."

"He, uh, he wouldn't let me pay. It's a hobby of his."

I almost said, _The Cullen's are loaded_, but that's not what they were. They were rich in so much more than money.

Leah and Paul exchanged a 'well well well' look and dropped it at that.

After they'd left, with tearful promises on both of our parts to stay in touch, it was almost 2am when I finally dragged ass to bed, and although I was exhausted and my eyes were heavy, my mind kept racing, swirling with the events of the past 24 hours and the one thought, the one constant fact that underlined them all. I missed Edward. The ache was relentless and in a moment of weakness I grabbed my phone and dialed his number. It was 5am on the east coast. I didn't know if that was a good or bad time to call what with the crazy hours a resident keeps, but it was too late now. I hit 'send' and the phone rang on the other end of the line. My hands shook, my stomach churned and I was just about to hang up when the ringing stopped. There was a whoosh of silence and then:

"_Bella?_"

It was him. Oh god his voice was liquid sex in my ear and I nearly lost the phone in the sheets.

"Bella? ...Hello?"

I face planted into my pillow but somehow managed to speak. "Hi. Did I wake you up?"

"No no-" he groaned low and moisture instantly developed where I knew it would.

"You sound sleepy. Are you sure I didn't wake you up?"

"No, well yes, but I need to get up anyway. My shift starts in an hour."

The rustling of bedsheets and the sound of a door opening, then another voice in the background, higher, softer, and female. Oh god it was Her. Did she just appear or had she been next to him all along? _shit shit shit. _This was a mistake. My insides froze and I instantly regretted calling. _goddamnit you stupid stupid cow_.

"Ok well I'll let you go then-" I said, my voice cracking.

"No! Wait, Bella, please. Don't hang up. ...Are you still there? Bella? Dammit."

"I'm here."

He let out a breathy _thank god_ and I pictured him as I knew he was, hand in his hair, standing at the sink or countertop in nothing but a pair of pj bottoms.

"Was that her? Sorry, nevermind. Forget I asked that. I shouldn't have asked that."

"Bella-"

"I'm sorry to have called so early."

"It's fine. Really. Is everything alright? Are you in pain?"

_Pain?_ He'd obviously turned psychic because that's exactly what I was in. And it was excruciating and unlivable and it gnawed at me daily. I wanted to know if he felt it too. I swallowed thickly and murmured into the phone, "_Yes_."

"_Shit_. Ok, it's going to be ok. Do you have the number of your doctor nearby? If not just tell me his name and I'll look it up. You're around seven months now, which could mean - shit, ok, I'll call the hospital and have an ambulance come to the house-"

I started to giggle. In my mind I saw him pacing around in a star formation - up, across, down, up, down - with a genuine look of concern, and in this case probably terror, furrowing his brow. It made me laugh harder.

"Bella? Are you laughing at me?"

"A little." I closed my eyes and sighed. "It's not _that_ kind of pain, Edward," I whispered and I heard him smile.

"Oh. Right. Duh," he chuckled softly. And then: "I'm sorry I haven't called more or lately. I've been meaning to but-"

"You don't have to explain. It's ok."

"No. it's not."

He was quiet after that and I wondered if he was preparing to give me all the reasons why it _didn't_ have to be this way or if he'd finally given up on arguing his case. We knew the facts. Nothing on that front had changed. He was knee-deep in some of the most important training of his life. Everything he studied for, worked so hard for, sacrificed a normal life for. His dream was being realized and he'd done it all himself, through preparation, dedication and plain old fucking BALLS. God I was so fucking proud of him. It's amazing how pride intensifies love.

"How's work going?" he asked softly.

"Really well actually. I'm practically running the store by myself now, which sounds like a pain in the ass but it's not. I'm learning a shit-load about managing a business and employees with a wide range of personalities. Conflict resolution is always a blast. And sales have doubled from what they were this time last year and there have been nothing but good things left in the suggestion box. Mike said there's always complaints about the staff and customer service but there hasn't been a single one since I started. I must be doing something right, huh?"

I went over all the mundane details of my life and Edward oooh'ed and ahhh'ed in all the right places and sighed and hummed and I babbled on for what felt like hours and it was natural. Once I started talking, my mouth was a geyser. I could tell him anything and I did. I told him just about everything - - but I didn't have the heart to tell him about Mike Newton and that since he left Mike Newton had asked me out over a dozen different times in a dozen different ways and that one time I actually agreed and had lunch with him and it wasn't so bad. But what did I have to be ashamed of, honestly? God knows what Edward was doing in Boston or with whom and it was none of my business.

"I'm thinking of taking some classes at Peninsula College. In the Spring. After the baby comes. I'm not sure in what just yet, or where I'll find a sitter, but..." I sighed and realized I had been talking a blue streak while Edward listened patiently on the other end. "Anyways, I just wanted to say Hi and see how you were, and you're fine which is good, so uh, I'm glad and yeah. How's your residency going?"

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"I think about you every day."

"I think about you too."

"I love you."

My face grew hot. I pressed my cold palm to my sizzling cheek. "You do?"

"Yup."

"Still?"

"_Bella_," he groaned, agitated. "Yes, still. Of course, still."

I smushed my face into the pillow and stifled a girly-squeal. Emmett was right.

"Edward, I wanted to tell you something, too. Something that I...um...That, well something I've been wanting to tell you for awhile now..." _Spit it the fuck out, you dipshit_. "There's been so many times that I've wanted to but every time... I don't know-"

"Hey, listen," he said quietly and I heard the click of a door closing. "It's ok. You don't have to say anything back to me. That's not why I tell you. It's not a trap to get you to say it back. I tell you because it's the truth and because I don't want you to forget. I don't know, maybe I'm just complicating things by telling you. We're on opposite ends of the continent and, shit, there goes my pager. I have to run. I'll try to call you later."

"Ok." I tried not to sound disappointed.

"Bella, hey, I'm really glad you called."

...

**_Several weeks later. At this point Bella is approx. 7 1/2 months pregnant._**

**_oOo_**

"Hey beautiful."

"Ugh Mike don't call me that."

"Why not? It's the truth."

"It makes us sound like a couple."

"Well...That's what we are, right? I mean we had dinner at my parent's house last night. And then afterwards, at my place...remember?" He waggled his eyebrows and snaked his arm around my significant waist. Apparently I didn't have pregnant-lady cooties anymore. In fact, my swelling figure seemed to turn him on.

"Mike," I resisted, shoving the pile of sales files I was carrying into his chest. "You're going to make me drop these."

"Put them on the counter then. C'mere," he cooed, wetting his lips. I turned my head and gave him a weak smile.

"Later, k? There's customers." I wriggled out of his arms and headed to the cash wrap.

"Hi, Bella," Maggie said, cheerfully ringing up a line of customers. She'd been put on register duty since she returned to work _three days_ after being released from the hospital. It was the only job she could do with a broken arm and strained knee but she insisted that she was fine and barely used the stool I'd given her to sit on behind the reg. Apparently she preferred being at work to being at home. I refrained from prying into her home life, especially since her mother had eventually turned up at the hospital with an ashen, tear-stained face; borderline hysterical she ran to her daughter's side and, in a private moment I should not have been eavesdropping on, apologized for a myriad of parental errors, one of which included leaving her alone so much.

"How ya feeling, Mags?" I asked, dumping the folders on the counter that we used for wrapping presents during the holidays.

"Oh fine. Should be getting my knee brace off soon. How about you? You look beat."

Did I? I hadn't looked in the mirror once today.

"Gotta make the money while I can still stand without tipping over," I joked.

She laughed and nudged into me. "You look amazing, Bella. You're the prettiest pregnant lady I've ever seen. And you can't even tell from the back. When you turn around it just looks like you're holding a beach ball. Some women get all fat and frumpy. Like all my mom's friends, they totally let themselves go. Not you. You're still totally sexy. I hope I look as good as you if I ever get pregnant."

"Yeah well don't you go thinking about that stuff until you're much older, missy."

"I know I know. Oh and hey things seem to be going well with you and Mike, huh?"

"Um," I froze for a second and pretended to rifle aimlessly through the files on the counter. "What?"

"_Mike_. The two of you are like, _together_ now right? It's always been totally obvious that he's super in love with you but _now_ he's, like, even _happier_ that you're hanging out with him or whatever. He's got this giant dorky smile plastered on his face _all _the time. It's like, yeah ok you like her, we get it already." She rolled her eyes and smacked her gum like a true teenager.

"I don't, um, I'm not, y'know, it's not like that," I sputtered, completely taken aback my Maggie calling me out.

"Hey it's cool. You don't have to be embarrassed. He's nice, he's cute, _and_ he's the boss," she winked.

"Maggie, this is not an appropriate conversation for us to be having. _I'm_ your boss, ok, so back to work." Obviously flustered I gathered up the same files I had specifically gone to the register to drop off and headed back to the breakroom. On second thought I made a detour straight into Mike's office. He was sitting at his desk, pen in his mouth, going over the monthly sportswear P&L. He's not bad, I thought as I watched him work. And he's lost weight. Hmm, when did that happen? His streaky blonde hair had gotten long over the summer and with his head bent over his desk the thick waves fell over his eyes like a visor. Mags was right. I never noticed his looks much before, probably because I was too busy shooing him away like a pesky gnat. Or maybe because he was always outshone by Edward.

_No. Don't fucking do that. Don't ruin this moment. Don't think about him. No more. You promised yourself, remember? Weeks ago._

I hadn't heard from Edward in weeks. We hadn't spoken since the night Leah and Paul showed up on my doorstep. The night _I_ called _him_ and he told me he still loved me. It was one of the best nights I'd had in a long time; going to sleep knowing the man you love still loved you three thousand miles away. Yeah it's a nice feeling. But then, the next day and the next and the day after that and after that - not a text, not an email. Certainly not a phone call. Nothing. Granted I hadn't called or texted him either but come on, I was always calling first and texting last. Since Edward left for Boston, the percentage of attempts at communication were definitely in my favor by at least 70/30. Not that I was keeping track or anything but I'm a girl so yeah I was. Plus, Edward was living under the same roof with Tanya - ugh, I couldn't even think about it. So he said he ended whatever they had or didn't have, so what? Nights are long and lonely when you're in an empty bed, take it from someone who knows.

And there was Mike who, ok he was super annoying and a close talker and he found the weirdest things funny and I didn't get most of his jokes. He tried way too hard and literally gave the worst first impression ever, but he'd done more than make up for his transgressions with the way he handled Maggie's fall and the way he'd given me the opportunity to advance in yeah it may be a small career but it was mine. And there was something else. Something no one else knew, not even Charlie, not even my doctors, not even Alice and certainly not Rose or Maggie. Mike was my lamaze partner. Go ahead and laugh it up but the truth was I was freaking the fuck out about giving birth. Every twitch, every gas bubble sent me into hysterics that I was going into premature labor. Mike saw the childbirth pamphlets I'd been carrying around with me and offered to help.

I knocked twice on the door to let Mike know I was standing there. He looked up with a cheesy smile.

"What's up you?"

Ugh I hated that expression.

"I'm not feeling so hot all of a sudden. I'm gonna call it a day. Is that cool?"

"Yeah yeah sure." He stood and started coming towards me. I took a step back. He was wearing that potent cologne again. "Want me to come by later?"

"Nah you don't have to. Thanks though. I think I'll just take a bath and eat a pint of ice cream." Shit, now he'll be thinking about me naked in the bathtub with ice cream dribbling down my chin.

"K, well, you wanna do something tomorrow then? We're both off." Don't give me those puppy dog eyes, Michael Newton.

"My baby shower is tomorrow. Girls only, remember? But we can do something after if you want?"

"Sounds great! I'll swing by your house at what, like four? Five?"

"Um, yeah, five sounds good."

"Perfect! See you then, gorgeous." He leaned in. He was going to kiss me. It was ok. He wasn't a terrible kisser but it was far from a mind-blowing experience when it happened. His lips, while on the thin side, were soft and his breath was always in check, but he needed some lessons on how to give and receive tongue. Lesson one: don't come at your kissing partner with your tongue already sticking out of your mouth. You're not a boa constrictor and she's not dinner.

...

Alice's Porsche pulled into the driveway. The sight of her inside such a lavish vehicle still took me off guard. Alice came from a modest upbringing. She knew how to knit and sew and was never one of those school girls who poured over issues of Cosmo or Seventeen and tore out pages with tips on how to reduce cellulite in your thighs. Sleepovers at her house were full of love and warmth; all of us cooking together, everyone laughing. Even doing the dishes was fun. We all had a task. Everything was important and there was always praise when we were done. Alice's mother's side of the family was rich, but Mrs. Mary Brandon married for love. Against her families wishes she walked away from the money and security of an arranged marriage to marry her soul-mate, Mr. Aro Brandon, a landscaper and part-time groundskeeper at the country club where they met.

When Alice was eleven, Mrs. Brandon was diagnosed with breast cancer. It spread quickly and she passed away before Alice turned twelve. The Porche was Alice's one decadent possession that came out of the considerable amount of money her mother left her when she died.

"You look pretty, mama," Alice sang, bounding up the steps and twirling us into a hug. I was wearing a dark blue scoop neck cotton dress with 3/4 length sleeves and blue and white canvas sneakers. The October air was cool so I paired it with a light jean jacket. I'd curled my hair and pinned the sides back. "Framing my face', as Alice would call it. I felt pretty. Gigantic, but pretty.

"Mmm," she inhaled. "You smell nice, too. You're using that shampoo and body wash I sent you."

"Sure am. It's awesome. Thank you again for sending it."

"Oh just you wait, there's plenty more presents to come. And food. I hope you're hungry. Jasper's been cooking all morning. It's such a turn on to watch him in the kitchen. Mff. Anyway, Rose might be the tiniest bit late. She had to run back to Seattle to put out a last minute fire at the new store. The collection is scheduled to arrive in two weeks and the contractors are so far behind schedule I thought she was going to choke a bitch through the phone. But don't worry, she swears she'll be back in time for cake."

Knowing what I did of Rosalie, I had no doubt that she would. I buckled in and braced myself for the ride to the Cullen house.

As we made the turn onto South Mountain pass, the anxiety grew. Me - the center of attention in a housefull of girls. I took a few deep, cleansing breaths. The line of cars began halfway up the driveway

"Jesus, Al, who did you invite?" I mumbled.

"Lots of people that want to see you and celebrate," Alice said with a smile. "You have alot more friends than you think, y'know."

"If you say so," I laughed. "How did you find them?"

"Oh you know me," she winked. "I have my ways."

I shook my head and looked out at the luxury SUV's and dainty sports cars. Spotless splashes of color with leather interior and built in navigation systems.

We approached the house and I readied my belly for the onslaught of hands that would inevitably reach out to touch it in the hopes of feeling a kick or roll. Little Baby Black had been doing alot of both but he or she, too, seemed nervous at the attention we were about to receive.

And then we saw something that made the nerves in our belly turn into something more. Something resembling terror. Something resembling joy. And then, as I remembered that Mike would be picking me up here later, something resembling dread.

A silver Audi A8.

I turned in my seat slowly, to Alice, my eyes wide, the blood drained from my creased face.

"Alice," I croaked.

The look on her face confirmed it. She'd seen it too, but she wasn't surprised. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Bella...Don't be mad."

* * *

**Big thanks to those sticking with this story. xo.**


	25. Burn

**Oh mama don't walk away**  
**You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain**  
**Saying the love that we had**  
**was just selfish and sad**  
**But to see you now with him**  
**is just making me mad**

**Oh so kiss him again**  
**just to prove to me that you can**  
**and I will stand here**  
**and burn in my skin**  
**Yes I will stand here**  
**and burn in my skin**

* * *

**BPOV**

We hadn't had much time to catch up, Alice and I, since she'd arrived back in the States. Her flight from Charles de Gaulle Airport landed in Seattle only three days before the shower and she'd spent the majority of that time in an Alice-shaped whirlwind between there and Forks. Although to her it was just another set of days in a series of colorful weeks in her extraordinary life. Nothing flustered her. Not Alice. She was never stressed by the demands or pressures of life and the lack of time it gave you to do all the things you loved. Life, as they say, is short. Alice had learned that the hard way well before any of us ever needed to. So why muck it up? Turn complications into opportunities, that was her motto.

We covered a good chunk of the important gossip in the short time we had alone, mostly over the phone while I was on lunch breaks at the store. She knew I'd been on a few dates with Mike and even though she was shocked at first, she understood why. It was nice having someone to hold your hand and call you pretty and open doors for you and pull the car around and to see their eyes light up when they look at you. Like the way it used to be with Edward.

I hadn't, however, told her about the times I let Mike put his hand under my shirt or the time I let him slip his hand down my pants when I was desperately hormonal and horny. We hadn't gone any further than that and we definitely had not come close to having any kind of sex. Not even a little hand jobbie for poor Mikey. He'd been dropping hints that he wanted to take things to the next level - asking "just curious" questions about how long into their pregnancy women can still have sex; if they still get the urge to do it. I answered vaguely and then complained about a phantom back pain or non-existent nausea to divert his attention. I was confused enough about what the fuck I was doing with him without bringing sex complications into the picture.

Alice parked behind a Lincoln Navigator and cut the engine. I fiddled nervously with the bottom button of my jacket, not moving to exit the car. In the rear view mirror I could still see the front fender of the silver Audi, spotless and gleaming from being under canvas for months.

"He's here, isn't he?"

"Rosalie must have gotten back early," Alice sighed, folding her hands in her lap.

"What are you talking about? That's _Edward's_ car."

"She took it -"

"_Took_ his car? Out of storage?"

"To pick him up. ...Bell, I may have fibbed a little about why Rosalie had to go back to Seattle so suddenly. Dammit," she mumbled. "It was supposed to be a surprise."

"You invited Edward to my shower. I'd call that a surprise."

A grin spread across her face. "And he came."

My skin flushed and I was suddenly baking inside the confines of Alice's tiny car. I needed air. It took me a few seconds but eventually I lifted myself up and out and to a standing position in the driveway.

Maybe some cold water on my face. Yes. Cold water and the toilet. There had to be at least ten bathrooms in that house and one of them had my name on it. I began walking.

"Bella, wait up, you're not mad are you? Let me help you, those steps are high," Alice called after me but my thoughts were busy and my legs kept moving.

Edward had flown across the country but he couldn't call. He flew five hours and drove three but he couldn't return a text message. What was I supposed to think about that? How was I supposed to react to that information? How was I supposed to react when I _saw him_?

I spun around before reaching the front porch.

"I don't want to see him."

"What? How can you say that? Of course you want to see him. You can't fool me, Bella. I know how hard it is for you to be away from him."

"How could you_ possibly_ know that?" I groaned.

"By putting myself in your shoes. I imagined about what it would feel like if I couldn't be with Jasper." She frowned and tiny lines formed around her mouth. "Just thinking about it makes me sad. And I'm not even thinking about all that _other_ stuff."

"Yeah? Well seeing Edward is _going_ to make me think about all that _other stuff_ on top of reminding me how shitty it's going to feel when he leaves again. And I'd rather not if that's alright with you." I began to walk off again.

"_Mike Newton_? You don't love _Mike Newton._"

Her words stopped me.

"Stop saying his name like that, and who said anything about love?"

"Then what are you doing with him?"

I shrugged out of my jean jacket and steadied my weight on the railing. The October breeze rained orange and yellow leaves onto the Cullen's front lawn in an intricate quilted pattern.

"The hell if I know. He's nice and he calls back when he says he will. I can count on him." I groaned louder and pressed the balls of my hands into my eyes. "Ugh I don't know. You're so much better at life than me. The decisions. You would have done all this differently, made the right choices. Had the baby, kept the man. Idyllic, perfect results. It all would have worked out for you."

She stalked towards me with her hand on her hip. "What the hell are you talking about? The _right choices_? There are no right choices, my dear, there's only choices, and you do what you think is right. I wouldn't have done any better if faced with the same circumstances. ...You always want everyone to be happy, Bella. Me, Jacob, Jake's family, your mom, your dad - and Edward most of all. You even want Mike Newton to be happy, which is what being with you makes him. But what does that make _you_ besides a miserable person that makes everyone else happy? What about _you_? What will make Bella Swan happy? Do what _you_ want for once."

She stopped before there were tears in my eyes. "I love you, bunny. Don't cry. I'll get in trouble. Let's go inside."

The opening of the door brought forth a harsh cacophony of sounds - pots clattering, china clinking, chirping giggles, throaty laughter - mixed with overwhelming, mouth-watering smells.

"_Bella! Everyone! Bella is here!_"

I hadn't left the vestibule and already I was surrounded by excited hens clucking and prodding and ushering me into the kitchen.

"Bella, sweetheart." Esme's smiling face greeted me from the center island. Her open arms enclosed around me. Lining the countertops behind her were trays upon picturesque trays filled to the brim with mountains of food. Hot and cold pastas, rice, noodles, chicken parm. Plates of finger foods - fruit and veggie dips, shrimp cocktail, tortilla roll ups, broccoli cheese soup in a bread bowl. Bowls of chicken oriental salad, green salad, mandarin orange spinach salad. Four pitchers filled with different colored liquid labeled Sparkling White Grape Juice, Luscious Lime Slush, Sherbet Party Punch, and 7-Up Almond Punch. Jasper done good.

My stomach growled and Baby Black did a twirl of joy.

"You look beautiful," Esme said.

"Thank you," I replied into her shoulder.

Sensing my impending implosion of embarrassment she released me and faced the guests.

"Everyone knows you so let me introduce you to everyone."

Sarah, the receptionist, and Abby, the R.N. - both from Carlisle's office. Maggie and her mom Grace. Mrs. Newton and her daughter Sheila, Mike's older sister. Emmett's sister Meredith. Alice and Rose who needed no introduction. A few ladies from Esme's firm that I didn't know but who seemed ecstatic to meet me and to have been invited. And then, a face that nearly sent me into premature labor.

Much tanner than I remembered and with shorter, curlier hair, but the twinkle in her eye was one of a kind.

"Jessica?" I exclaimed and her reaction confirmed it. "It IS you!"

"Who else would it be, stupid?" She broke into a squeal of laughter and darted across the room. "There's someone else here to see you, too," and out of nowhere, or maybe she had always been standing there but I was too overwhelmed to notice, was the newlywed herself, Mrs. Angela Cheney in a flowy red dress and her signature frames.

"Ang!" I cried. We all squealed together and piled into a girl-hug bouncing in place and talking at the same time. My girls! My girls came for me! They hadn't forgotten. They still cared.

When we finally came up for air the other guests had begun helping themselves to the feast.

Ang and Jess made my plate for me and I pulled Alice into the hall.

"Bell? What's up?" Alice asked with concern on her face and a hunk of Italian combo in her mouth.

"Having a healthy baby will make me happy," I said seriously.

She shook her head and talked with her mouth full. "That's too easy. Every mother wants that. Try again."

"Okayyy. To go back to school. I've decided that I'm going back to school after the baby comes."

"Good, good, keep going."

"To have a job I love."

"What else?"

"My friends and family around me."

"Mmhmm," she prodded with manicured raised eyebrows. "And? You're not getting off that easy."

I crossed my arms in defiance. "I see what you're doing."

"Oh yeah what am I doing?"

"You're trying to get me to say it."

"Then say it."

The crowd of women began filing out of the kitchen and into the living room carrying plates of food and all the air with them. They smiled as they passed and let their hands graze my belly, and that's when I saw him revealed in their wake, standing in the doorway on the opposite side of the room. I'd almost let myself forget that he was somewhere in this cavernous house. Had he been in the wings all along, watching, hiding, waiting? All six feet handsome of him in dark jeans and black shirt. The same tall, the same build, same hair, same face, with his hands in the pockets of his black blazer. Our eyes met and there was a smile for me on those rosy lips. I felt my own lips twitching into a smile and out of my mouth came the words Alice was waiting for.

"It's Edward."

...

He stood a few feet out of my personal space and I struggled against the magnet in my chest pulling me closer to his core.

"I wasn't expecting you," I tried to say with a steady voice.

"I can see that." He chuckled and placed the back of his cool hand against my hot cheek. "You're blushing."

"How did you find out about the shower? They say you never call."

"They leave messages. I know these 'functions' are for women only, but I pulled rank and asked if an exception could be made."

"How did you get away?"

"I reminded the board of directors who I was and whose last name paid for their state of the art facilities and cutting edge research projects. Kidding. I worked two weeks of double shifts and donated one of my kidneys to science. It was worth it."

"Charming," I laughed heartily and he playfully bit the tip of his tongue.

"Was there ever any doubt? Oh and I brought this. I didn't know where to put it..."

Out of the hall closet he produced a large box beautifully wrapped in Winnie the Pooh paper.

"I'll take that," Alice offered, appearing out of nowhere. She lifted the gift out of Edward's hands with ease.

"You didn't have to do that," I nodded towards the immense package being carried away by the tiniest Alice.

"It's not for you. Unless you need an Exersaucer," he shrugged. "They look fun."

"Har har. Seriously, you didn't have to. I know you're busy, and to take off like that and come all this way for my stupid shower, you didn't have to."

"I heard you the first three times, Bella. I _wanted_ to. Can't you just say thank you?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

His eyes traveled down my body, mapping my curves until they rested on my belly. Instead of being embarrassed by my figure I was proud, excited even, for Edward to see how I was progressing. I was doing so well. I weighed what I should, I'd been eating right and resting often, all the things I hadn't been doing in the beginning that Edward would be so pleased to know I was doing now. And when he looked at me it was with the same adoration as the first time he set eyes on me all those months ago. I could forget that I was pregnant, his look didn't change. To Edward, I was Bella. I was just a woman and sometimes I was a girl but all the time I was special. He made me feel special even when he made me mad. Like right at that moment I should have been remembering how angry and upset I was at him for not calling, for not finding time in his busy schedule to use two of his precious minutes to keep in touch with me. But I couldn't be mad. I was too busy being happy.

"So," he said awkwardly, shifting in place and scratching at the back of his neck. "how are you feeling?"

"Oh y'know," I rolled my eyes. "Gigantic."

"Is your leg hurting? Is the baby's head putting pressure on that nerve?"

Huh? How did he know? My leg _had_ been hurting. I was beginning to favor it more and more when I walked. He must have noticed. If so then he was the only one.

"Stop hogging the mommy, _Edward_." Alice reappeared, taking me by the wrist into the living room. I glanced over my shoulder and gave Edward a desperate 'save me' look. He laughed silently and nodded, following a safe distance behind.

...

"How'd it go?" Edward grinned, handing me a glass of punch.

"On forever," I gasped, polishing it off and handing it back to him. "Everyone was really generous though. I didn't know there were so many things you could buy a baby."

"You haven't opened my gift yet."

"Sure I did. The exersaucer. It's great. The baby will love playing in it. Thank you again."

"I meant my gift for_ you_."

"For me?"

"That's what I said."

"Ummm...ok. Where is it?"

"Outside."

"Outside?"

"Uh huh."

"Why didn't you bring it in?"

"So hard-headed," he sighed with a smile. "Come on." He put out his hand. I hesitated fearing the touch of his silky fingers but then I took it knowing the need to feel him outweighed any fear.

"You received enough baby stuff today to start your own daycare facility," he said, leading me down the porch steps. "but there wasn't one thing in that mountainous pile for _you_. The mother."

He walked me into the middle of the circular portion of the driveway and let go of my hand. Taking a few steps back he crossed his arms at his chest and leaned against a random sports car belonging to one of the guests. The autumn sunshine sifting through the clouds set off the bronzed glints in his hair and his eyes shone with child-like amusement.

"Where is it?" I asked, unsure if I was expected to understand the meaning behind what we were doing.

"Right there."

"Where?"

"You're standing in front of it."

"I'm standing in front of a car."

"That's right. Not just any car though. That's an M Class, baby." Edward pushed off the Jag and slowly circled the SUV behind me, rattling off it's specs with pride. "Safe. Reliable. Full of kid-friendly amenities. Built-in satellite navigation, six disc CD/DVD changer, rear-seat entertainment system, front and rear climate controls, iPod hook up, premium multicontour seats."

"Edward, this is a _Mercedes_."

He laughed out loud and pulled the keys from his jacket pocket. "It fucking well better be. That's what I ordered. I'd be marginally annoyed if the dealer dropped off an Acura. Hope you like white."

"You bought me a _Mercedes_?"

"You seem surprised."

"That's because I am! Edward, I don't understand you. We haven't spoken in weeks and the last time we did it was for thirty seconds. Then out of nowhere you show up at my party and then you _buy me a car_?" I laughed in disbelief.

"Thirty quality seconds."

"What?"

"We may have only spoken for thirty seconds but they were thirty _quality_ seconds. At least for me. ...Bella, I-"

"Edward thank you but I can't accept this. Your mother got me a toy chest. Maggie got me diapers and a set of onesies. You got me a _car_. I mean My GOD look at it! It's brand fucking new." And beautiful and luxurious and big enough for a tiny apartment inside. I was stunned.

"No," he corrected. "I got you an _Exersaucer_. ...OK a_nd_ a car," he laughed. "Look I know it seems extravagant but that's what we do. Cullen's buy cars for the people they love. And it's practical, it makes sense, and since I can't be around to keep an eye on you all the time, Think of it more as a gift to me than a gift to you. It will help me sleep at night knowing that you and your baby are safe."

"Shit Edward why do you have to go and say things like that? I can't, it's too much-"

"Take the car, Bella. It's paid for. I want you to have it. Please take it."

We were standing toe to toe now. His height towered over me, intimidating, exhilarating. The way his chest rose and fell mere inches from mine. He smelled like freshly smoked cigarettes and the rush of the outdoors. He held the keys in front of my face by the automatic starter. Taking my one hand in his he dropped them into my palm and closed my fingers around them. His hands were warm and soft just like I remembered. I didn't want him to let go but he did.

"There. Now go back inside and play whatever tedious baby games Alice and Rose are going to torture your guests with and I'll pack up the car with your spoils."

"You don't have to do that -"

"Bella," he cut me off sternly and pointed towards the house. "Git. Enjoy your celebration."

"Yessir, geez," I grumbled, waddling up the steps. "See you later."

"You know it."

...

We'd been rocking comfortably for the last hour on the back porch overlooking the manicured gardens and sprawling wooded landscape of the Cullen compound. Conversation was sparse and unhurried mostly us laughing about the randomness of the "shower" concept. Edward had spent the majority of the afternoon pressed in a corner fighting off the advances of Maggie's mom and the aggressive ladies from Esme's office. They were relentless cougars and some of the stuff Edward told me they whispered in his ear was downright perverse. _There's an opening in Cougar Town? What the fuck does that even mean?_

The conversation hit a lull making our attempts at skirting around the topics neither of us wanted to address all the more obvious. How many times could you say, "So what else have you been up to?" without sounding desperate?

Edward finally broke the silence with a smile. "Why do you keep looking around like you're waiting for something to jump out of the bushes? Is there someone creeping up behind me with a sledgehammer?"

"No, and I'm not doing that," I laughed nervously. He was so fucking cute. Cute as in mouth-watering, jaw-droppingly sexy and why the _fuck_ hadn't he tried to touch me since I arrived? _Hm maybe because he doesn't feel like being rejected for the millionth time? _

"Did you fly out here alone?" I asked, dreading that the answer to my insecurity lay upstairs in Edward's bed in nothing but a size 0 negligee waiting for everyone to leave so she could have her carnal way with him. Surprise!

"Ah, so _that's_ it," he chuckled, lacing his hands behind his head. "Yes, Bella, Mommy says I'm a big boy now and can fly on the airplanes all by myself."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant." He sighed in irritation and closed his eyes. "Which is why I'm ignoring the question. ...it's ludicrous, Bella."

The sun was setting. A chill spiked the air around us.

"There you guys are. Bella, sweets, your ride is here."

"I didn't call for a ride."

"It's Mike," Alice mouthed from the doorway.

_Fuckshitfuck_. What was Mike doing here?

The white pillars, the marble floor, the modern artwork hanging impressively on the walls. Mike stood in the vestibule in obvious awe of his surroundings.

"Hey you," he grinned when he saw me coming down the hall.

"I thought we were meeting at my house," I stated bruskly.

"I went by to pick you up but Charlie said you hadn't come home yet. It's almost six." He looked at his watch.

"Shit. I must have lost track of time."

"No biggie, babe. Ready to roll?"

"Sure let me um...let me just say goodbye...to..." I trailed off and walked away aimlessly.

After a dozen goodbyes and good lucks I was released onto the porch to find Edward leaning against the railing. He was facing the driveway where Mike was executing a string of unsuccessful attempts at parallel parking his compact car into a space between a black BMW and Edward's Audi.

"I'm waiting for him to hit my car," Edward said, watching intently as Mike shifted into reverse _again_. I stood next to him and placed my hands on the railing beside his.

"Why don't you go out there and show him how it's done, Mr. Perfect," I joked.

"That's not the only thing I can show him how to do perfectly." His mouth turned up in a satisfied smirk and he shot me a look out of the corner of his eye. _Low blow_, Mr. Cullen, _low blow_. _Nicely done_.

"I bet," I muttered under my breath causing Edward's grin to spread even wider.

For the next few moments we watched in amusement until Mike finally gave up and double parked next to Alice's Porsche. He slammed his door in frustration and Edward snorted.

"Tool."

"Oh. Hey Cullen. Didn't know_ you_ were in town."

"Why would you?" Edward replied stonily.

Mike shrugged lamely at a loss for response. "Well Bella and I better be going. We have plans tonight."

Edward stiffened. He didn't turn to look at me but I could see the muscles hardening and flexing in his chiseled jaw and if he hadn't just shoved his hands in his pockets they'd be balled into fists at his sides. I tried to catch his eyes - to tell him with mine that this wasn't what it looked like - but Edward was looking through us with forced indifference. I knew at that moment that it was done. We were done. In a matter of seconds and in the cruelest way possible I had made it clear to Edward that there was no hope for us.

"That's nice." His words were laced with fury.

"Get in, Bella," Mike said, motioning to the passenger side of his Hyundai.

"Bella has a car."

"Pfft yeah Cullen, a fifty year old death trap of Charlie's that they don't make parts for anymore. She shouldn't be driving around in that jalopy."

"Wow thank you for explaining that to me, Newton. My Harvard education didn't include common sense classes. Good thing you're around to set me straight. Bella's a lucky girl."

"I'm the lucky one. Let's go, babe"

_That's two babes in ten minutes. Babe? Oh dear god_, I prayed. _Please make Mike shut up. Just shut. up_. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. Edward was chomping at the bit just waiting for the perfect testosterone-fueled moment to lay his fists into Mike's round face.

Edward slammed the passenger door shut with a flick of his wrist, nearly taking Mike's fingers off in the hinges, and pointed to the Mercedes. "Like I _said,_ Bella _has_ a _car_."

"What is this guy talking about?"

"This _GUY_?" Edward lunged for Mike's throat and I jumped between them with my arms outstretched.

"Stoppit both of you!" I pressed my hand to Edward's chest and pushed him back. "Edward, don't. Mike, just shut up! Yes, it's true I have a car now. It was a gift for me and the baby." I nodded at the Mercedes and Mike's mouth fell open.

"From _him_?" Mike shrieked. "And you _accepted it_? Bella how could you? How do you think that makes me feel? You don't need anything from him!"

"I know that."

"Hey asshole, don't talk to her like that_,_" Edward growled and then smiled wide, daring him to do it again.

This was gonna get ugly fast if I didn't get Mike out of here.

"Bella you know if I had his money I would give you anything," Mike pleaded, pulling me to his car.

"That's not why I accepted the gift," I spat. Wrenching my hand out of his clammy grasp I moved instinctively closer to Edward. "It's not about money and I can take care of myself."

"And she doesn't need to explain a goddamnfucking_thing_ to you." Edward pushed up his sleeves.

"Bella please. We had plans. I made reservations at that restaurant you wanted try. We're already late." He looked as though he were going to cry any second. I sighed deeply and pushed the strap of my purse up my shoulder.

The keys weighed heavy in my pocket. The seconds ticked by. One after another after another and I couldn't look at Edward as I spoke.

"Fine, Mike. I'll take my car and meet you at the house."

* * *

**I feel like this chapter and the next are so perfectly set to the song,_ Burn_ by Ray LaMontagne that I just had to include the lyrics. Even though this chapter is BPOV, they say exactly what Edward is thinking. EPOV coming up next. It's been awhile since he's had a chance to speak. xoxo.**


	26. You and me

**When love is real, you don't have to show it.  
When it is true, then everyone will know.  
'Cause there'll be no one but**

**You and me,  
You and me,  
Nobody baby but you and me  
**

**EPOV**

"Are you ok?" came a faraway voice growing closer. "You're making the weirdest sounds right now."

Along with the distant voice came a high pitched squeal that only bats, dogs, and those who were about to experience a brutal hangover had the ability to hear.

It had been coming on for an hour now or more, the effects of low-dose alcohol poisoning. Does that even exist? I may be making up the condition. Or I may have just discovered it. Who knows. In the meantime let's assess the symptoms before I attempt to open my eyes and address the individual who is speaking to me from a fuzzy planet far far away.

_Mental confusion_. Oh hell yeah and it was about to get more confusing after the whole eye-opening thing. _Vomiting_. Affirmative. That would definitely be happening. _Seizures._ God no. But I'll have to ask the person currently stroking my arm to confirm. _Slow breathing_. Nope. If anything I was breathing like one who'd just run a marathon where they hand out shots of Jager instead of Gatorade. _Hypothermia._ The opposite there as well. I was a human furnace and drenched in rank booze-sweat.

Eighty-six the alcohol poisoning. Now time to address my...companion.

Tentatively, I peeled open my eyelids and there she was sitting next to me indian style. _She_...s_hit it's a she. Just my fucked up luck_. I should have known. The voice was too high and sweet to be captain of the Lacrosse team or an effeminate teenage boy.

"Are you waking up?" she asked.

"Hey..." I managed to rasp out. The lining of my esophagus felt like sandpaper. "Um...?"

"Jane."

Dammit. I slowly laid my head back on the pillow. I knew that. It was starting to come back to me know in a mish-mash of red and yellow fragments. She had told me her name earlier in the evening, when I was only three or four drinks in. I should have remembered it. A girl has every right to get bent if you can't even remember her one-syllable four-letter name.

She looked like a Jane. Or Daisy. Daisy from _The Great Gatsby_ maybe. A lot like Mia Farrow from the movie actually. Same hair cut. Same skin tone. Ugggh had Mia Farrow been kicking me in the head all night? What the fuck happened?

The image of Jane, having now moved to the foot of my bed, came clearer into focus. Was she wearing my Red Sox shirt? I squinted. Sure looked that way to me. Fuck. I'll think about that later. First thing first. Greetings.

"Hello Jane," I choked raspily.

There. That didn't hurt too bad. Dry. Throat is still sandpaper.

"Hello Edward."

Hmm she knew my name without having to ask. Could be problematic.

Next.

"What are you doing in my bed?"

"Wow you really don't remember do you..." She seemed hurt but I couldn't find it in me to care.

"I slept here. Are you going to throw up?"

"Not yet." My eyes scanned the length of the bed for evidence – condom wrappers, lube – then I lifted the sheet. I wasn't wearing a shirt but I _was_ wearing boxers. I shifted my hips. Hmm, my dick didn't feel like it had been up fucking all night.

"We didn't...?"

I couldn't tell if the look on Jane's face read _freshly fucked_ or _freshly fucked over_.

"...did we?"

"Fuck?"

I cringed at the way the word echoed around my bedroom. Even though I was thinking it, I really wished she hadn't said it out loud.

"…did we?" _P__lease tell me I didn't sleep with this girl. I really don't need this right now. Pleasepleaseplease God if you do me this one small favor I will never get black out drunk again I swear on Grandma Hale._

Jane seemed a tad irritated, crossing her arms across her chest. _That really looks like my Red Sox shirt_.

"Unfortunately no. You passed out just as things were getting interesting. I was too drunk to call a cab so I crashed in your bed. I figured you wouldn't have kicked me out if we did end up having sex, which we didn't so relax. ...And anyway you were in no condition to kick me out."

"I'm not an asshole, y'know. No matter what you may have heard."

"Whoa I never said you were. Defensive much when you're hung over?"

"Not usually but I am sensitive to how uncomfortable morning after's can be and I'd never fuck a girl and just kick her out. I'd at least pay for her cab if she didn't want to stay." I give Jane as much of a smile as I can muster through my pounding headache.

"Fair enough," Jane said, laying back down on her side of the bed.

"You live here alone?"

"No I have a roommate."

"Where is he?"

"She. Tanya."

"Hold up! You live with a _chick_?" Her laughter shook the bed.

"Can't you tell by the way this place is decorated?" I asked sincerely.

"Not really."

"Yeah well it's all her. Whatever."

"You fucking her?"

"Not anymore."

"Weird."

"It was."

"Not anymore?"

"I thought it would be...after I told her that living together was for practical purposes only. She was pissed at first. She said I lead her on. She stayed over my last place all the time."

"Uh oh."

"Uh huh. I probably should have done the whole 'kicking her out after we had sex' thing."

"But you didn't."

"Nope."

"And she got attached."

"Yup."

"And before you even realized it, you walked into the bathroom one morning and her toothbrush was next to yours."

"Wow you're good at this."

"I am a woman after all. Where is she now?"

"Classes ended for her last week so she went home for Christmas break."

"You don't have a break?"

"I'm a resident. I get the exact opposite of a break. Today's the first day I've had off in almost two months."

"Jesus."

"I guess that's why I went a little overboard last night."

"A little? I lost track of the number of tequila shots you had lined up on the bar. I'd only just sat down and there were two in front of me."

"Ugggggh. Fuck you Don Julio. I barely remember being at the bar."

"Oh well we went to about five of them."

"We did? Shit. Can I say I'm sorry once and have it count for all the stupid things I'm sure I did and said last night?"

"Nah don't worry about it, Edward. You were fine. We had a good time. Your name _is_ Edward, isn't it?"

I chuckled weakly and nodded.

"How did we end up back here?"

"You invited me."

I frowned.

"You don't remember doing it, it's ok. You were ten sheets to the wind by then but I couldn't say no to you; I couldn't pass up the opportunity. I've seen you in the bars before and I always hoped you'd come talk to me. My girlfriends and I thought you were so hot the first time we saw you and I'm very _affectionate_ when I'm drunk."

"I passed out on you."

"Literally. You're not light either. Good thing I've got jacked upper arms."

"No more please," I groaned and crossed my arms over my eyes. "What a shit show. I'm sorry, Jane."

"You should be. Blue balls for girls is no joke."

"You're not helping."

"Make it up to me one day. ...I should get going." She stood and I noticed she was tinier than Alice and absolutely swimming in a pair of my flannel pajama bottoms. The ones with the cartoon sharks.

"I'll call you a cab."

"Thanks. Hey," she put her hand on my arm. "I may not know you from Adam but from the little I do know you seem like a really nice guy who's probably even nicer once you get to know him better. I'd like that chance."

**Rewind two months earlier**

"Maria's giving you that 'let's get to know each other better while you fuck me in the bathroom' stare. You better have at that before I become her second choice."

"Who?"

"Over at the end of the bar. Maria?"

"Don't know her."

"She's in Pediatrics. And you know what they say about the girls in Pedes."

"Can't say that I do." I tilted my head back and drank down the last of my pint.

"Grade A pussy shaved so fine you can't tell the difference between theirs and the four year olds."

"Eugggh. Real nice, man," I belched with disgust. Felix was so foul sometimes and he was only getting worse as he got older. We'd known each other since my junior year in med school. He was two years older than me and had already begun his residency when we met at the President's List dinner. He was handsome and smart and knew all the clubs and bars tucked away from the student population. Senior year was a blur thanks to him. It occurred to me about halfway through the year that Felix might be Superman. He had to be. A first year resident who still found time for partying and girls? There weren't enough hours in the week for the normal man to get everything done, and he didn't smoke, he didn't drink coffee - those vices yellowed your teeth and he was far too vain to allow that to happen.

Then one day I learned his true identity after turning down an offer to hang out with girls he'd met the night before - I was too busy cramming for finals. He reached inside his jacket pocket and produced the answer.

_This, my good buddy, is a prescription pad. I'm sure you've seen one before. It fixes all sorts of problems with the stroke of this here pen. Don't ask questions. Simply name your candy._

_Without any coaxing from me, he scribbled on the pad, tore off the page and handed it to me. _

Adderall

_Not a fan? How about this beauty..._

Ephedra

_Not that you need to lose weight, you handsome devil. Wait, this one's my personal favorite._

Provigil

_Felix these are used to treat ADHD and Narcolepsy._

_When used as directed, yes indeed they are. Which is exactly how they should be used if anyone were to ask me._

"For real, man, what's your deal?" Felix asked, setting a fresh pint in front of me. "I know you're a new resident and you're busy, you're tired, but we're all busy, we're all tired. We still find time for a quick fuck in the supply closet now and then. But not you. Not Prince Edward."

"Don't call me that."

"Are you celibate?"

"What? No!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I just haven't found anyone that interests me lately, ok? Get off my dick."

"Well someone's gotta get on it before you explode from stress. They're working you like a goddamn mule, aren't they?"

"Hundred hour weeks."

"Are they at least giving you a cot?"

"Yeah. ...In the supply closet."

Felix shot me a sideways smirk. If I could read his mind I'm sure he'd be telling me where he keeps the stash of linens used to clean up cum residue.

"Look on the bright side - the hours should drop to around eighty-eight in the next few months, but you'll still be on call. You being supervised?"

"Not really. I've been doing rotations and all the paperwork on my own since I started."

Felix didn't seem surprised. "Staffing," he mumbled into his beer. It was true. The hospital was severely understaffed and more often than not I found myself taking on the additional responsibilities of ward clerk, nurse, lab tech, phlebotomist, and janitor. I took patient files home with me and sat in bed filling out mundane charts when I should have been sleeping; all off the clock so I didn't have to log the hours.

"They're going to start sending me to outpatient clinics on the weekends as well."

"Wow they love you," Felix snickered. "They never did that for me. You gonna go?"

"Can I say no?"

Felix laughed and shook his head.

"Exactly," I sighed, jamming my thumbs against my temples.

"So where you been? Maria said you were out of town."

"How the hell did she know?"

"She probably went to your floor to stalk you, check out the rotation schedule. She does that, y'know."

"I didn't know."

"Well now you do. I'm telling you, she wants your cock baaaaad."

"I'll keep that in mind," I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, I went home for a few days."

"Homesick? Aww that's cute."

"Not homesick, asshole. God you're such a dick sometimes you know that?"

"I know. You love it."

"Do I have a choice?"

"So what was so important at home that you had to shirk your grown-up duties here?"

"I went to a baby shower."

Felix turned green and nearly choked on a handful of beer nuts. "You knocked someone up? Holy shit! _No fucking wonder_ you never go near the pussy here. You're a stand-up guy, Edward. I'll give you that much."

"I didn't _knock anyone up,_ as you so artfully put it. A good friend of mine is having a baby."

"You send a gift, dude. You don't drop rounds and fly across the country to sip fruit punch and guess baby names for four hours."

"It wasn't like that."

"There wasn't fruit punch?"

"There was but-"

"What about baby games?"

"Yes there were baby games but-"

"Then tell me again why you went? Because in order for _me_ to be subjected to a room full of diapers and breast pumps, I'd need to share the same fucking DNA as the fetus in question."

"I love her."

"..."

"Bella. Her name's Bella."

"Your good _friend's_ name is Bella. The mom-to-be."

"Yes."

"Hm, well that changes things. Complicates them, makes them more interesting...for me," he grinned. "Does she know?"

"Her name? She usually answers to it, so I'd say yes."

"Hilarious."

"Yes she knows. She's known for awhile. We spent the whole summer together, and Felix, I've loved her from the first second I laid eyes on her. Before she even opened her mouth she'd changed my life. Don't look at me like that."

"Sorry man I'm just trying not to puke. What the hell's gotten into you? What happened to Edward 'threesomes are boring' Cullen?"

"Forget it. I should have known you'd give me shit. It doesn't matter anyway. I'll get us some shots."

"Sit down. Finish what you were saying. I won't say another word. Scouts honor."

"I don't know what I'm saying. I'm trying to explain to you what it's like to love her, which is ridiculous." I shifted uncomfortably in the wooden booth tagged with graffiti carvings and sighed a loud, exaggerated sigh.

"Remember Charlotte?"

"_What?_" he spat, growing still and serious. It was the most dangerous question to dare ask of Felix. Charlotte was his high school sweetheart. His one true and complete love, although he'd never admit it. Their relationship didn't survive Felix's first year of rounds and even though he had hundred hour work weeks to keep him busy, he never fully recovered from the break up.

"You spent months lusting after her. You told me that yourself remember? You followed her through the halls from a distance, watching her go to her classes until you had her schedule memorized. Then you changed your schedule to mirror hers. You joined the soccer team because practices were on the same field as the tennis courts where she played singles every day after school. You told me you did all of those things without ever having spoken to her or being closer to her than five people behind her in the lunch line."

"What's your fucking point, Eddie? We had a good run but we broke up."

"You haven't had another girlfriend since."

"Meh. Too much hassle."

"Wrong. It's because there's no competition anymore. She's incomparable. She's ruined every other girl for you. The hunt is boring and ultimately unfulfilling. The reality has been defined. She defined it for you. There will never be another one quite like her, and even though you didn't end up with her for forever, you're going to have one hell of a time trying to find someone to take her place."

"Ok ok enough. I get it. Sorry I asked." He took a long gulp from his pint glass. His hands were shaking. "So you told Bella you loved her. Continue."

"I didn't mean to tell her. It just sort of, came out."

"Came out? Like how?" he snorted. "In the throes of passionate lovemaking?"

"Something like that."

"Whoa whoa. _Something like that_? It can't be _something like that_, Eddy-boy. It's either _that_ or it _isn't_ that. Which one is it?"

"It's that."

"JesusfuckingChrist," Felix shook his head in disbelief. "What have you gotten yourself into?"

"There's more."

"Oh goody cuz I was starting to get bored," he snorted sarcastically.

"She's a widow."

"Fuck you."

"I'm serious."

"Oh you are, are you? A widow."

"Uh huh."

"How the fuck old is she?"

"Twenty-four."

"And lemme guess - the dead guy is the baby daddy?"

"Yup."

His eyes glazed over and he turned to look out the window into the street and bustling sidewalk packed with smokers and people on their way to other places where things made sense.

"You're in love with a twenty-four year old pregnant widow."

"And beautiful. She's the most beautiful widow, Felix." It was a tacky but what did I have to lose? I'd already put my nuts on the chopping block.

"How romantic."

"She's sarcastic and droll and self-deprecating. She makes me laugh until my sides hurt. We can spend hours just sitting. And strong, she's so strong and brave even when she's falling apart. She inspires me."

Felix hung his arms over the back of the booth and pondered his empty glass. "It's official. I'm speechless. Anything else? Cuz if there's more I'm gonna need another drink."

"Nope that's everything."

"She's out there."

I nodded.

"And you're here."

I nodded.

"Does she know you're living with Tanya?"

"She knows everything. She knows we used to have a thing and she knows it's over. I offered to relocate, to push my residency out west but she said no. She won't let me change my plans for her. She won't be with me like that. So I left. I didn't want to pressure her..."

"Or come off like a dickless pussy."

Ok I had to laugh at that. "Or that."

"She's right, dude."

"Huh?"

"Bella's right. This is where you need to be. Right here. And that sucks because you can't be together but this is your life man. She's got hers and you got yours. Did she offer to come out here with you?"

"No."

"Did she tell you she loved you back?"

"No."

"Sounds like you need to give her time to get her own shit together. She doesn't need to be in a relationship right now. There's no way she's ready."

This talk was really starting to kill my buzz. Luckily it was all about to end. Felix's eyes flattened, giving him that Big Bad Wolf scowl he's known for.

"Heads up, stud. Don't look now but Maria's on her way over here. "

Out of the corner of my eye a tall, tanned woman with long black hair was slowly approaching.

"Heyyyyy Felix," she cooed, sliding into the booth next to him. She was wearing a skin-tight one piece leotard dress with knee high leather boots.

"Maria, you're looking gorgeous this evening. Mouth-watering. To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?" It was all I could do to not burst out laughing, but I had to give Felix credit, he was a smoothie. Maria didn't answer him. Instead her hawk-like focus was concentrated on lucky me.

"Hello there," she said, her dark eyes swirling.

"You know Edward, don't you?" Felix offered.

"I don't think we've been formally introduced. I'm Maria Benito."

I gave her a weak lop-sided smile and shook her hand. "Edward Cullen. Nice to meet you. Well, I better get going." I stood abruptly and grabbed my jacket from the hook.

"So soon?" she pouted. "But the fun was just beginning."

"Oh don't worry, I'm sure Felix here will show you a good time. Better than me." I shot a quick _you can thank me later_ wink in his direction. _Have fun peeling her out of that dress, my man._

"Mmm I don't know about that. You look like you could keep a girl going _all night long_." Her voice had grown deep and breathy, her hand was creeping across the table but I wasn't about to take the bait. Ignoring her comment I dropped a twenty on the table. "That should cover it guys. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

Looking back on it now, it was a good thing that my conversation with Felix ended where it did. To continue on the path we were heading would have inevitably lead to more questions about the shower and what happened afterwards which would have lead to me recounting in agonizing detail how I'd spent my three days in Forks.

The decision to travel to Forks and attend Bella's shower was not entirely my own. Granted I made the ultimate decision to get on the plane, but for weeks prior I had been provided with every detail of its occurrence by those individuals who knew damn well the information they were handing me would not go unused. Everything from essential details such as time and place to manner of party favors and decoration of the Chair of Honor (yes, I now knew what that was) had been cleverly left for me via cryptic voicemail messages and handwritten notes strategically placed where I would see them. My family had even enlisted the assistance of my roommate to get the messages across. Twice I had come home in the middle of the night to find Tanya Skyping with my sister and Alice. Before I'd even put my bag down or taken off my coat I was in the middle of the most random conversation with my sister's face on the computer screen:

_Rose: Sooo how does Halloween weekend look for you? _

_Me: How does it look? It looks like the inside of an emergency room filled with bad costumes and endless trick-or-treating injuries. Why?_

_Rose: Hmmm...no reason. Ok I gotta go_.

Rose could handle me like no other. She knew me well enough to keep me at arms length with anything that concerned Bella. She would organize everything and then insert me into the equation. It was better that way. The less misplaced maniacal interference from me the better. I needed an excuse to get back to Forks to see Bella and my sister knew that. I'd been existing on autopilot since the day of the teary goodbye at the end of the summer. I'd sent her a text for her birthday - the lamest way to wish someone Happy Birthday but it was the only ten free seconds I'd had. I called the following morning with every intention to make it up to her but before I'd had a chance to ask her how she'd spent her day I was being paged over the intercom. Ten car pile up on the interstate and they were all being transported to my ER. Every day was more of the same. Days turned into weeks...and asking the France Four any Bella-related questions gave me nothing but vapid stares from across the Atlantic. It was killing me slowly, being three thousand painful miles away, my relationship with Bella whithering away and I was powerless to stop it.

It was atypical for a man to be a guest at a baby shower but what the fuck was typical about anything that had happened up until this point? I'd been invited - not sent a formal invitation printed on thick stationary decorated with storks and pacifiers - but my presence had been allowed. The email with my flight details and booking information had been received thanks to a note left by Tanya inside my shoe that read, _PUT YOUR SHOE DOWN AND CHECK YOUR EMAIL RIGHT NOW!_ Unfortunately my laptop had taken up permanent residence at the Nurse's station since I'd arrived making checking and/or replying to emails virtually a non-happening. Tanya must have thought this possible, which is why she called ahead and had Adrienne, the charge nurse, cover my MacBookPro with with 'friendly reminder' Post-It notes.

In the end I suppose it was necessary for them to go to such extreme lengths to get my attention - although if they'd been in my head they would have known that other than BP's, HR's, Accuchecks and a million other stats, Bella Swan was all I thought about. Their only other alternative would have been to admit themselves to the Ortho Trauma Unit at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and ask to be put under the care of Dr. Edward A. Cullen, M.D.

A week after receiving my tickets, I received my time off approval. The next day I was on a plane to Forks and to Bella.

It wasn't until we were landing in Seattle that panic set it. I was being presumptuous that Bella's feelings for me were still alive. I was overstepping the mark, disregarding boundaries, imposing.

Did Bella know I was coming? I was 99.9% sure she did not. Would she want me there? Would she ask me to leave? Would she be angry? Upset? Betrayed? Would she cry? Would she yell? Would she fling herself into my arms and kiss me? Would she slap my face? By the time I saw Rose standing by the luggage carousel, I had worked myself up into a definite wreck.

Once my mother had untangled herself from around my neck and finished peppering my face with kisses, I spent most of the afternoon lurking around the front rooms and being of little to no help to my sister and Alice. My mother and Jasper had the kitchen on lockdown anyway so I busied myself with internal debates on where to stand, concealing spaces, alcoves with the greatest vantage point, the upstairs balcony perhaps, the shadows of the hall coat closet.

Then the front door flew open and the commotion and cries marking her arrival echoed down the hall.

_Bella's here._

I scooted into the den and peered through the doorway that lead to the kitchen. And there she was. The air rushed out of my lungs and my veins emptied. Even in the midst of the swirling whirlwind of girls surrounding her she was the only one I could see. Her back was to me, her arms around my mother, and when they pulled apart I wondered if coming to Forks was the right move after all. Something in me tore and I was filled with regret. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I had no place being here. Jasper had a role. Emmett had a role - he hung all these hideous autumnal themed decorations from the ceiling - and my father had made himself scarce by taking a weekend shift at Northwest. What the fuck was my excuse?

No. I changed my mind. I would slip away. Bella would never know I'd been home. She wasn't expecting me. She didn't know I was here. It was going to be a surprise. _ Look who came to your party_. Like Angela and Jessica weren't enough? Were we trying to give the poor girl a stroke? Were we playing a demented game of 'Which of these things is not like the other'? No. I would leave her in peace to enjoy her day.

And then, just as I was about to turn and walk out of the room, out of the house, back to airport, back on a plane back to Boston, she looked at me. Well not at me, more like in my direction. Her eyes darted from the awe of the food and excitement surrounding her and as if pulled by an imaginary string they landed on the spot where, if I stepped out of the shadows, I would be standing. Then they moved left and right, through the crowd, searching, scanning, her brow furrowing in tiny wrinkles of disappointment when she didn't find what she was looking for. And it was then that I knew.

She was looking for me. And the hook pulled so bad I thought it might rip my ribcage right through my chest. I wanted to go to her and scoop her up, carry her out of there to a place where she wanted to be. In my arms. Her smooth round features, her body language read to me the thoughts in her mind.

So I stayed. And watched. And waited. The first thing I noticed apart from the way her hair cascaded down her back in dark chocolate ribbons was that she was wearing the necklace with the sapphire jewel and the way it hung perfectly at the top of her cleavage directly over her heart. She would tell me later during an intimate moment that she'd never taken it off, not once, not even in the shower, that she'd worn it every day since the day I presented it to her; the warm August morning of Ben and Angela's wedding. It had been on her, resting over her heartbeat ever since. What that did to me; the way knowing that caused my own heart to swell in my chest. Indescribable.

Once the ladies began heading to the living room I slipped into the kitchen unnoticed. Alice and Bella lingered in the hall. I couldn't hang back any longer. I had to make my presence known.

...

My foolish pride wouldn't let me watch Bella pull out of the driveway with Mike Newton in tow. Bile rose in my throat. It burned the back of my teeth. Failure. Loss. Rejection. Events I had little experience coping with. In a man's world, I'd been beaten. Left in the dust. Newton had won the girl. My girl. He'd taken her from me and I walked into the house a defeated man.

"A_ car_, Edward?" Rosalie pounced as I entered the kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the fridge.

"You bought Bella a _Mercedes_?" my mom chimed in. "Edward what were you thinking?"

"It's a good car. Safe car. She needs a reliable vehicle. She's going to have a baby." I chugged 3/4 of the bottle and licked my lips. "Wellllll," I siiiighed. "This day has turned into shit. _Mike Newton?" _I snorted a laugh and shook my head. "I'll be upstairs." I grabbed a hunk of leftover sandwich and another beer on my way out.

"Edward, wait," Rose said, following me up the stairs in a hurry. I kicked open my bedroom door and sat on the end of my bed without turning on the light.

"Don't wanna hear it, Rose. Just wanna drink and eat my sandwich in peace."

"And wallow."

"And wallow."

She sat next to me with a graceful dip in the mattress. I held out my sandwich in her direction. She took a small bite and gave it back.

"Did you know?"

"About Mike? Hell no."

"What's their deal?"

"No idea."

We sat quietly chewing. The clock on the wall ticked away the seconds.

"Wanna go out?" she offered.

"Nah."

"Don't do anything stupid, okay?"

"Like what?" I snarled with my mouth full.

"Like kill Mike Newton. Do I need to put Emmett outside your door?"

I huffed and cracked open a beer. She snatched it out of my hand before I'd put it to my lips and took a long gulp of her own. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and handed it to me with a smirk.

"I...wow...I don't think I've ever seen you do anything like that...ever," I laughed.

She shrugged and stood, smoothing out the non-existent wrinkles in her pencil skirt.

"I'm glad you came, Edward. Even if you're not having the best time right now. It was the right thing to do. You should have come. I miss you. I like seeing you."

"I miss you too, Ro."

She kissed the top of my head. "It'll all work out."

"Oh yeah? Ha. How?"

"I have no idea."

...

I moped around the house for awhile, eventually wandering into the spacious music room on the second floor. It had always been my sanctuary as a child and teen. No one else in my family played; at least they didn't take it as seriously as I did. The holidays were filled with music, either from the surround sound wired throughout the house or from each of us taking turns playing Christmas carols on one of the pianos while the rest of us sang along. Rose could barely get through Silent Night before her patience wore out but Jasper was better, playing Deck the Halls as we all sang Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra and tried not to laugh. When it was my turn it always started out the same, a fun game of sing-along to Here Comes Santa Claus or something silly like that but eventually it would morph into Bach and Listz and I ended up playing alone; a haunting rendition of O Holy Night that left the room silent when I was done. My father would ask for more and break out the brandy glasses and the night would grow solemn and peaceful, very nearly spiritual.

As I grew older and more hormonal I would come in here and take my aggression out on the instruments, banging out angry Shostakovich or Mozart's _20th Piano Concerto in D Minor_. Jasper went to the gym and pounded on the bag, Rose spent hours at the sewing machine, and I went to the music room. That was how we dealt with stress.

I pulled the dust cover off the Bosendorfer Grand and marveled at its striking presence, its mirrored black finish and superior craftsmanship. After running my hands over its sleek body I sat on the leather bench and launched into Scriabin's _Etude in D sharp minor Op. 8 No. 12_. It was furious and fast, too fast. I ripped through the measures the way I used to when I was younger and filled with adolescent rage. Faster each time to see how fast I could go before my fingers seized up.

When I could go no further I covered her up and longed for the sound of my Steinway which had been put in my room. It's mood was calling to me. I wanted the soft and the smooth. No more jagged notes or angry melodies.

Entering my room I went to her and immediately lazed into a flowy rendition of Dvorak's _Humoresque No 7 in G Flat major_. It started out shaky as my fingers reconnected with the keys but the notes and tempo quickly gelled and before I knew it I was inside it and finding my way without thinking.

"Hi."

The timid voice shook me out of my reverie and I cut off the rest of the measure with a neat flourish.

"...What are you doing here?" I said softly.

"I'm sorry to interrupt. Your mother let me in." She seemed embarrassed. I didn't want her to be.

"What time is it?"

"Nine-thirty."

Shit. Had I been playing that long?

She walked in fully, a few steps away from the door, a few steps closer to the bed, a few steps closer to me. "It's been ages since I've heard you play. I'm glad you still do."

"I don't have a piano in..." I hesitated abruptly. "...Anyway."

Her hands brushed over her stomach and then fell to her sides. "You still play beautifully. I've missed hearing it. ...I've missed alot of things about you."

Should I tell her how the longing for her consumes me from the moment I wake until the moment I pass out from exhaustion? How the will it took to push her aside so I could focus on my patients was a daily struggle against my base instincts? Instead I smile. She knew. She had to know. All the things I'd said to her. All the times I'd told her. She hadn't forgotten. She was thinking them right now. That's what _her_ smile meant.

"Keep playing. I interrupted. You weren't finished and I'd like to hear the rest."

I nodded and picked up where I left off, playing through, all the while acutely aware of Bella's proximity, the bend of her leg, the tilt of her head, the notes that caused her to hold her breath as she listened. Bella - sitting on the edge of my bed, her eyes trained on my fingers. The flick of her tongue across her bottom lip.

"Thank you again for coming...and for everything...for the gifts...it's too much."

"Not for you."

"Edward-" she blushed.

"It's the truth. I wanted to do it. I want to do more. I'll do anything for you, Bella. You know that. I've been doing everything you've told me to do so far, haven't I?" It was a dig and I winced at the way it sounded but I'd said the sentence with a hint of laughter in my voice. I didn't want things to get too serious too soon. I didn't want her to leave.

"Yes you've been very obedient." She grinned wickedly and I swear the air between us cracked and popped with electricity. "I had a good time hanging out with you today. Like old times. Shame it's too cold to go to the park and swing on our swings." Her lips parted slightly.

_Our swings_. I swallowed, taken aback by the tenderness in her voice.

"Uh...How was dinner?" It was a desperate attempt to keep the conversation moving. I didn't really care, I hoped Mike Newton choked on his cheese fries.

"I didn't go."

Why? _ No I don't want to know_.

"So you haven't eaten?"

She shook her head no.

"You look tired."

"I always look like this."

"Beautiful? Yes you do. But you also look tired. Lay down if you'd like. I'll bring us some leftovers."

A few minutes later I returned with pasta salad, a bag of pretzels, and half a hero sandwich. Bella put the plate on the mattress beside her, thanking me with a smile. She glowed with a quality I had never seen in another woman in all my life. She altered my chemistry.

Once the conversation starters had died away and the food was gone there was no longer an excuse for the silence. Bella was propped against headboard, her feet crossed at her ankles, her hands folded on her belly. I'd turned the heat up a few more degrees as the night outside grew cold.

"Comfortable?" I asked, taking my blazer off and draping it over the desk chair.

"Yes thank you. Your bed is...soft."

I stuffed my hands in my pockets. Her eyes followed and landed briefly on my crotch. "Did you forget something?" I asked.

Her forehead scrunched in confusion. "What?"

"Is that why you're here? Did you leave something behind this afternoon?"

She didn't answer.

"Why are you here, Bella?"

She shrugged, her head tilted down, embarrassed. I took a few steps to the bed. She stiffened and then relaxed and then relaxed some more when I sat down next to her.

"I should probably apologize for my behavior this afternoon," I continued. "It was inappropriate and uncalled for. I hope it didn't ruin the rest of your evening."

She shook her head, her hair brushing over her shoulders. "There's no need to apologize. Really. It's fine. Just guys being guys, right? Testosterone or whatever."

I cleared my throat and regretted what I was about to say. "So. You and Mike Newton?"

"...I guess. He's not my boyfriend or anything. I don't call him that."

"You don't seem thrilled."

"He's got a steady job. He's supportive of the baby. He's nice to me." Her fingers twisted together in agitation.

"Do you love him?"

"He loves me."

"That wasn't the question. ...Do _you_ love _him_?"

"Yes."

"Oh please." I rolled my eyes rudely. "You're lying."

"What's the difference if I love him or not?"

"The _difference_? The difference is HUGE. You're settling. You've giving up! You're giving your life away to a man you don't love! Why are you doing this?"

"He's always around. Ugh I don't know, Edward. It's something to do."

"Oh _god_," I blanched, my stomach heaving into my throat.

"No not like that. He wants me, ok?"

"That makes no sense!" I erupted. "None of this makes any sense! I _always_ wanted you! And you pushed me away! You told me to leave! I would have stayed with you!"

"I know," she said quietly. She wouldn't raise her voice to match mine.

"And I couldn't let you do that. I'm trying to do the right thing here. Mike's right for me, Tanya's right for you."

"Tanya has a _boyfriend_, Isabella, and it's _not_ me. Nice try."

She cringed at my caustic tone. "Oh."

"Look..." I pinched the bridge of nose and attempted to start again. "I don't want to spend the short time we have together arguing."

"You're right, I'm sorry. ...Friends?" she held out her hand but I wouldn't take it. I shifted closer to her until our thighs pressed together. Her breath hitched. Her hand fell to her side. My hand went to her cheek ghosting over her heated skin.

"Stay with me tonight?"

Her dark lashes fluttered closed. "Friends don't stay the night."

"Bella Bella Bella," I murmured, slowly slipping my thumb over her plump bottom lip. Her smirk vanished. "You know as well as I do...We've never been friends. Stay with me tonight."

I wasn't taking no for an answer.

"_Bella_. Stay with me."

"_Yes_."

I wanted to tell her that I hadn't been with a woman since the last time we'd been together. There had been many opportunities but they didn't matter. I lived with someone, yes. A woman I used to sleep with, a woman who slept in another room now and who I still considered a friend. And as of a week before I left for Forks she'd begun sleeping in her room with a new man, a fellow Resident, a Jason Jenks, a decent guy who treated her well and I was happy for them.

But I said none of these things as Bella lay next to me in my bed. Her hair splayed out over the pillow, her shoulders bare, her breathing ragged.

"_Edward_," she moaned, grinding into my erection. "_Please_." I cupped her bare breast and pressed her shoulders flush against my chest. Bending us both forward I positioned the head of my cock at her entrance. We had taken our time removing our clothes. Whispering and kissing and Bella's fingers unbuttoning my shirt. Kissing her body. Her hands over every inch mine.

"This ok, my love?" I whispered into her hair. She craned her neck and looked at me with hooded eyes.

"_Yes_."

I slipped inside and her tightness told me that no one else had been there since me and if I had anything to say about it there would never be anyone but me again.

It took some novel maneuvering and new positions but once I was in it was just as I remembered...heaven. I pumped slow and easy, one hand on Bella's hip guiding me, the other wrapped under her breast fingering her nipple. I pressed my lips to her shoulders when I pushed in and sighed heavy into her ear when I pulled out. Her panting breaths told me I was doing it right. We rocked our bodies at a steady rhythm and molded into perfect S's. We were one and that's when a sick thought came over me - maybe not the best time as I made love to the woman of my dreams but I digress - a thought came over me that there were three of us connected for a fleeting moment in time. It wasn't a perverse thought and it wasn't dirty. It was romantic and pure and it was the best moment of my life.

"I love having you this way," I said in the morning as I prepared to enter her from behind again, my stiff morning wood finding it's way between her legs.

"It's the _only _way you can have me," she laughed in her gravely morning voice.

"Mmm but I have you and that's all that matters." I pushed forward and hissed as the tip of my cock met the back of her wetness. We fucked until our stomachs began to growl, until there was no way I could get it up again without taking a break. And Bella, most importantly, Bella.

"Can I take a shower?" she asked. "I'm all sticky and my hair..." Her hand went to her wild mane. "Gross."

"Of course you can. You know where everything is." I placed a delicate kiss on her lips and she hummed.

"Then I have to go home."

"Oh."

"You're cute when you pout." She pulled the sheet over her breasts and leaned in to kiss me again.

"What? I don't pout," I grumbled as I kissed her.

"There, you're doing it again." She giggled, pulling away. "You wanna come with me? I'll show you what I've done to the baby's room." Her hopeful smile set me on fire.

**Back to the present**

My cell phone lay discarded on the messy kitchen counter - its battery dead. I plugged it into the wall charger in the hall and shuffled my hung over ass into the kitchen.

I told Jane she could use Tanya's bathroom to clean up while she waited for her cab to arrive. Tanya wouldn't mind. She wouldn't even know. I turned on the coffee maker and spooned some grinds into a filter.

"Edward?" Jane called from the hall. "Your phone's beeping."

Four missed calls. Two from Rosalie, one from Jasper, one from my mother.

One voicemail. Two texts.

I checked the texts first.

The first one from Jasper:

**Check your vm, bro.**

The next one, more frantic, from Rosalie:

**EDWARD CALL ME ASAP. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT TIME. **

What the fuck? The one time I go out in two months. The text was sent at 2am west coast time. With shaky fingers I called into my voicemail. It rang three times, I entered my password and took a deep breath.

"Edward, it's Rose. We've been calling and texting and now your phone is off. ...I don't know why your phone is off. ..._Agaçant_." She sighed in obvious irritation. There were sounds of familiar commotion in the background. Beeps and blips and the shuushing of electronic doors. Her voice was low as were the other voices around her.

"We've been trying to call you for hours. Bella had her baby tonight. Thought you might like to know."

* * *

**Longest chapter yet? I think it might be. I've taken a few liberties with the intricacies of Resident life, etc. However the point I'm trying to make is that it's a demanding, selfless, and ultimately very rewarding position that requires 110% dedication, leaving very little time for the self. Thank you for your continued patience and support :) Enjoy the music below and the lyrics above belong to Penny & The Quarters.**

Scriabin : Etude in D sharp minor Op. 8 No. 12

http: / www . youtube . com/watch?v=iVRCgY62P-4&feature=fvst

Dvorak - Humoresque No.7

http : / www . youtube . com/watch?v=WmAZoexenx8


	27. It's you that I hold on to

**Ah yes, Bella is the Queen of mixed messages, isn't she? She's trying not to be selfish with Edward while being totally selfish in her relationship with Mike. She wants Edward so much but she only gives him parts of her. We all give mixed messages from time to time though, don't we? We push away the ones we love out of fear and insecurity. We play games. We hold back. We hurt the ones we care about the most. It's stupid, but we do it every day. We say _It's for his/her own good_. We waste time and jump to conclusions. We think we know what's right, what's best, yet oftentimes we don't do the right thing even when our heart is in the right place. **

**Ah, the fallible human. **

**Thanks so much for reading :) **

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight**

* * *

Did I drive you away?  
I know what you'll say.  
You'll say, "Oh, sing one we know"  
But I promise you this,  
I'll always look out for you.  
That's what I'll do.

My heart is yours.  
It's you that I hold on to.  
That's what I'll do.  
But I know I was wrong,  
And I won't let you down.

**EPOV**

"_Bella had her baby tonight. Thought you might like to know."_

"Thanks for letting me use the...hey, are you alright?" Jane shook my arm. "Edward?" I glanced quizzically at her hand like it was a foreign object. She quickly let go. I noticed she was wearing the same clothes from last night. Her hair was wet, her face flushed and make up free.

"December 12th. ...Today's December 12th," I mumbled, turning my attention back to the phone in my hand.

"You look like you've seen a ghost. Did you get bad news or something?"

I backed away without answering and darted into the kitchen. Tanya had a Rothko calendar hanging on the wall next to the refrigerator, the days of the week covered in various scribbled doodles. December 10th through the end of the month had red and green lines drawn through them with the words _Home for the Holidays_ written across the squares surrounded by hearts and smiley faces.

"She wasn't supposed to go until the 22nd. She went early. She wasn't supposed to...I would have...if I'd known I could have...been there..."

"Been where? Edward? Are you having a panic attack? Your face is ashen and you're talking to yourself."

"I'm fine. Coffee?"

"I don't think you should be having caffeine. Look, maybe you shouldn't be alone. I can stay if you want. If you need a friend or something." She batted her lashes and gently touched my arm again.

The offer was sweet but I didn't trust that it wasn't laced with some sexual expectation that I wasn't going to be able to fulfill.

I pushed her off. "Jane. Last night...I...we can't..."

"Nothing happened."

"It was a mistake."

"Nothing. Happened. Are you really going to freak out over _kissing_ and mild groping?"

"It could have turned into more."

"And it would have been amazing if it had. _You, _Edward. _You_ felt amazing last night. Your body, the way you kissed me." Her fingers traced up my arm in lazy waves causing my arm hairs to stand up. "You're an amazing kisser. It was such a terrible tease. Mmm, I wonder what other things the rest of your incredible body must be capable of..."

"It was a _mistake_." I hurried into the living room where there was more space, more air, not so much Jane so close.

"If it had gone any further it would have been an even bigger mistake, a fucking huge colossal mistake and this morning I would feel even worse than I already do." I really wished I had put on a shirt.

She followed me. "Why? What's wrong with two people fucking? You're not gay. You may be a gay guy's wet dream but you're definitely not gay. You're not wearing a ring so I'll assume you're not married. You don't have a girlfriend, do you? You don't belong to anyone. ...I wanted you. You wanted me. That's what's fun about being single."

"You could have been anyone. It wouldn't have meant anything." I pulled at the back of my neck and paced in front of the flat screen TV. I wanted her to understand, but I knew she'd argue. She might have said something about being pre-law.

"It's not s_upposed_ to mean anything," she said in between a big sigh. "Don't you do casual, meaningless sex?"

A flash of rage whipped through me. How could she be so careless! A young, pretty girl, small and weak compared to the men that would corner her, force her, use her to do their depraved bidding. And she'd let them! Is that what she wanted? Is that what she expected at the end of a night out?

I approached her with carefully timed steps, stalking towards her like a lion towards its prey. Her eyes grew wide. She stood frozen in place as she watched me come closer.

Circling her, I spoke slow and low. "I would have been using you, Jane. I would have taken you. Eaten you up and spit you out. And everything up until I passed out was exactly that. Me _using _you."

"You can use me all night long. I still want you," she said breathlessly, closing her eyes, believing it.

"But _I_ don't _want you," _I snapped coldly, breaking the spell. "Whatever I said last night, however I acted – it was a lie. You were someone else to me. It can't happen again. It won't. ...I'm sorry, Jane. It's my fault. I'm missing someone. I'm missing someone so bad that it finally got to be too much and I went out and got shitfaced and tried to replace her with someone else. It's a bad habit of mine and it's got to stop. You're a nice girl, but you're not for me."

"Whoever she is, I hope she knows there's a long line behind her just waiting for their shot at you."

The buzz of the downstairs door signaled the arrival of Jane's cab. I helped her with her coat and gave her a weak hug goodbye. She's wasn't a bad person. She wasn't the devil. She wasn't going to make up date rape stories or show up at my door with a shotgun. She'd probably talk shit about me to her friends but what the fuck did I care.

Now that I was alone I could call my sister in private. She picked up on the second ring.

"Edward! Fucking finally! ..._yes, mom, it's Edward. I know...yes if you'll let me talk to him first, pour l'amour de_...Edward are you there?"

"What's mom saying?"

"She wants me to tell you that she loves you and that everything is ok. I'm so glad to hear your voice."

"You're not pissed?"

"What makes you think I'm pissed?"

"Your message. You were cursing at me in French. _Secousse. __A__gaçant. __E__nnuyeux. _ That usually means you're pissed. I went out for a few drinks last night with Felix. I know I know, Mistake number one. When will I learn. Things got out of hand which is what usually happens when Felix is involved. My phone died. It was a mess. I have to be at the hospital in two hours. ...She wasn't supposed to go this early, Rose. She had another week and a half."

"Hey hey relax, I'm not your keeper, young one. I'm used to you not answering my calls. I just really hoped you would this time."

"Is Bella ok? How's the baby? How was her delivery? Did she have an epidural? Tell me everything. Was she scared? Was someone with her? She didn't want to be alone."

"Edward, relax. You're getting manic again. She's fine. She went naturally. No complications. Mother and baby are going home today."

"Is it a boy or girl?"

"You should really be talking to _Bella_ about these things."

"I would but...I haven't...we haven't spoken since the shower."

"What? That was two months ago! What the hell happened?"

"Long story," I grumbled, chugging down my coffee black.

"Shorten it for me."

"It's complicated."

"_Complicated?_"

"Yes, Rose, complicated. _C__ompliqué_."

"Oh Christ, Edward, what did you do?" If I knew Rose, and I did, she was flipping her hair over her shoulders and rolling her eyes in exasperation.

"Me? Why does it have to be me?"

"..."

"Alright it was me."

"She freaked out about the car, didn't she? Jesus I knew it. You sure know how to come on like a freight train don't you. Subtlety is not in your vocabulary, is it?"

"_Subtilité_," I responded sarcastically.

"T_rès drôle. Comédien_."

"It wasn't the car. She liked the car."

"Then what was it, Edward? What happened? You beat up Mike Newton, didn't you? You little sneak. ...No wait you couldn't have. Emmett knows him. I would have heard. Bella would have told Alice. But we've been so busy with the store remodel, it could have slipped her mind. Those fucking construction workers..._inutile_..."

She could go on like this forever.

"Rosalie. Take a breath and listen to me. Are you listening?"

"Yes I'm listening."

"..._J'ai proposé_."

**Rewind two months earlier**

**BPOV**

It was nearing lunchtime by the time we left Edward's house. I dressed and washed my face, managing to fend off his persuasive attempts to get me back into his bed. We rode back to my house in the new Mercedes. I still had a hard time calling it "my" Mercedes, even though that's what it was. I would have an even harder time explaining it's existence to Charlie.

I offered to let Edward drive. He grabbed the keys and kissed my cheek without needing to be persuaded. It would make him feel better to feel in some sort of control, to have first hand knowledge of the car's ability to care for my safety. He spent the ride humming and talking to himself as he took it through his own personal battery of endurance tests and obstacles. By the time we pulled into my driveway she had passed with flying colors, just like Edward knew she would. It was why he picked her for me, of course.

We didn't talk about the incredible sex we had the night before and into the morning. We didn't talk about Mike or Tanya or Boston or the baby. We sat in comfortable silence punctuated with tiny observances. Every now and then his hand would find its way to my knee and I'd rest my hand on top. I'd rub my palm over his knuckles and he'd give me a light squeeze. Small reassurances that he was ok and I was ok with what happened.

It was a new day, crisp and bright and filled with colors. I put the window down and inhaled the sharp scent of leaves and grass and moss and trees. The breeze blew through my hair. I watched a hawk effortlessly glide its way through the sky. That's what I missed most about Forks, about Washington. Nature everywhere. Everything around you so full of life and always growing. You could drive down the same rode a million different times and each time it would appear changed in some way. Either the bush had overgrown or a bird or small animal, sometimes an entire family, would be crossing from one side to the other, or a tree limb could have fallen and blocked the way. And the seasons were specifically defined, each having their own colors and shapes and smells. Especially the Fall.

The long, lithe fingers of his right hand wound easily through mine like warm lotion. He braced the palm of his left against the small of my back as we headed up the stairs to the baby's room.

"I can still manage to climb stairs without tipping over," I joked dryly. "You don't have to hold my hand." I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I thought about the man standing behind me and what he looked like, felt like, sounded like, and all I had to do was turn around and he'd be there.

_You just had intense, multi-orgasmic sex with this glorious creature. I think you can let him hold your hand._

The sound of his melodic chuckle filled the air and I wondered if he'd grown the ability to read minds. He gave my hand a squeeze, letting me know he had no intention of letting go.

We reached the top of the stairs and stood outside the nursery door. I didn't walk immediately in and he cocked his head slightly to the side, a lock of his wild bronze hair falling over his eye.

"Everything alright?" he gently questioned.

I nodded and smiled shyly. "I hope you like what I've done to it."

"I'm sure I'll love it, Bella. ...What's wrong? Why are you hesitating?"

I swallowed and nervously licked my lips.

"It took me a long time to go in there after you left. I kept the door closed just like this. I walked by every morning but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go in. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to start. It might sound weird but, I wanted to keep it the way it was. I liked knowing that it was there just the way you left it. It may have been empty but to me it was full. It was perfect. Clean, fresh, and new. One time I did manage to open the door but I couldn't take the first step inside. It smelled too much like you."

"Like paint and shellac?" he laughed.

"That's not what I smelled," I said with a hint of sadness in my voice. The declaration left me open, vulnerable. I wanted him to know that letting him go hadn't been easy for me. He was important to me, _the most important thing_, even though I had a shitty way of showing it.

I stepped forward and brushed the backs of my hands against his thighs. He took an audible breath.

"I would stand outside the closed door, just like we are now, in this very spot, and I would just...stand here. I lost count of how many times I put my hand out to touch the knob."

There was no distance left between us. We were breathing the same shallow breaths across each other's faces. His expression had changed from one of playfulness to one of immediate understanding. He knew I wasn't kidding. I missed him that much that an entire room in my home became off limits. The assault of memories those four walls could unleash was too brutal, too raw for me to bear.

"_Bella_," There was anguish in his voice. He shut his eyes.

"No, don't do that." I traced his cheekbone with my fingertips.

"Do what?" he whispered, his eyes still closed.

"Don't create pain in that handsome face of yours for no reason. You haven't done anything wrong. Edward. Open your eyes. Let me see them."

He obeyed and they fluttered open, two delicate orbs of brilliant green, deep and swirling with no other flecks of color to cloud their purity. And they could change – from the lightest honeydew when he was carefree, to hazy gray-green – his 'right after sex' eyes , to dazzling emerald, and then finally to their darkest shade, their wildest, forest green, hooded and guarded - where they were right now.

"There they are," I whispered, cupping my hands under his strong jaw. "So gorgeous." He nuzzled into my palms and sighed.

"It kills me. What you just said... it _kills _me, Bella. You don't even know." He said it so low that I only understood the words it by watching his mouth move.

"Heyy, stoppit. I'm fine. I've been in there every day now for weeks." I pressed down on the knob and pushed open the door. "Ok so let me just preface this by saying that I wasn't expecting you or I would have tidied up better. Plus, as you can see, all the gifts from the shower are piled on the floor."

We stepped inside and the room was revealed. I smiled with pride as I looked around at what I'd done. All the essentials had been installed. DaVinci Kalani convertible crib in cherrywood against the wall opposite the window - a gift from Renee and Phil. An armoire that was currently empty but that would soon be full with all the baby clothes I had received. A changing table. Esme's toy chest, and my favorite piece of furniture...an antique spindle rocking chair that I'd put right next to the crib, courtesy of Charlie.

Edward stood in the center of the room and took it all in. I stood by the window watching him.

"Charlie put a coat of, it's called honeydew melon, on the walls since we don't know if it's a boy or girl. And I wanted to leave the hardwood floors you installed because they're just...I thought that area rug was nice. St Croix Trading Company. Alice picked it out but I like it too."

_Jesus, say something, Edward, so I stop rambling._

He walked towards the far wall and scanned the bookshelves filled with children's books.

"Charlie put those in," I said. "And I found all the books at a yard sale. Can you believe someone was practically giving them away?"

Edward smiled and crossed the room towards me. My heart skipped a beat when he took me in his arms.

"It's beautiful."

"Yeah?" I beamed. "You like it?"

"Very much. I especially like the Dr. Seuss quotes." He gestured to the stencils of trees and vines decorating the walls and the nursery wall quote decals I placed throughout the room.

"It was hard to pick just a few. He has so many great ones."

"Which one is your your favorite?"

"This one, over the crib."

I turned in his arms and pointed to the white script over my child's crib.

_You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose_.

"That's nice," he said smoothly, placing his hands on my shoulders. He leaned down and mouthed in my ear, "I have a favorite. It's not on the wall but I'll tell you. Wanna hear it?"

I nodded.

"_You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."_

_..._

We were in the kitchen scavenging for food when the front door opened and Charlie walked in looking handsome in uniform.

"Hey dad," I said nonchalantly, pulling out a box of Corn Flakes.

"Welcome home," he replied, surveying Edward and I with raised eyebrows.

_Shit. _

_Busted_.

He opened the fridge and took out a beer. Edward stood awkwardly by the stove.

"Hello Edward," Charlie said, taking a swig.

"Hello Chief Swan, sir."

"Didn't know you were coming home."

"I like to keep people on their toes." He shot me a naughty wink.

Charlie pulled out a chair and sat down with a beleagured sigh. "So how are things in Bean Town?"

Edward laughed nervously. "Well, I don't get to see much of the town, but the inside of the hospital is pretty good."

"Your father tells me you're doing very well out there. Exceeding expectations, he said the last time I saw him. Then he said alot of other medical words that made no sense but he sounded pleased so they must have meant good things."

"Thank you, sir. That's nice to hear."

There was a silence but before it could turn awkward Charlie stood.

"Well, I think I'll watch the game and fall asleep on the couch before going back to the station for another fun eighteen hours. Be safe tonight." He slipped a small canister of pepper spray into my hand.

"Why? Is something wrong?"

"Not yet, but tonight's Halloween. Inevitably some group of overanxious teens will have a little too much fun with eggs and toilet paper and get lost up South Mountain Pass." He eyed Edward and twisted his mustache. Then he kissed my head, took his beer and left the room.

"Your dad's wondering why you didn't come home last night," Edward said, bending down to kiss the juncture between my shoulder and my neck.

"He probably thinks I stayed at Mike's. Which might explain why he was surprised to see me here with you. That'll keep him on his toes," I smiled, squeezing his arm.

"Have you ever done that?"

"Kept Charlie on his toes? Um, yeah I think I've built up quite an arsenal over the years."

"No I mean have you ever stayed over," he swallowed thickly with disgust. "Mike's house?"

"Oh. That." It broke my heart to see how that one thought, that one possibility, contorted Edward's features, outwardly reflecting the anguish he was suffering inside.

"He, um, he offers, but I've never accepted. I've never been intimate with him in that way."

"But you have in other ways?"

"Edward why are you asking me this? Especially after last night?" I pulled him to me, the caustic warmth of his body igniting that familiar swelling in my groin, the tightening in my chest for this man, this man only above all others.

"I broke off the plans I had with him so I could come back to you. Doesn't that tell you something? Can't we just leave it at that?" I rested my head against his sternum and placed a kiss to the spot where I felt his heartbeat thrumming.

"Ok Bella," he acquiesced once again and hugged me close. "We'll leave it at that."

"Thank you." I lifted my head and he took my meaning, lowering his and placing a sweet kiss to my lips. I deepened it, pulling him down further and wrapping my arms behind his neck. I opened my mouth and he dipped his tongue inside. I moaned and he stiffened. His hands slid their way up my back and tangled into my hair. I dug my nails into the tight muscles in his shoulders and down his sides until I found the hem of his shirt and slipped my hands underneath. His fevered skin sent a shock through me.

"_Edward_," I moaned against the velvety wetness of his lips.

"Not here. We can't do this here," he groaned, grinding his erection into my side. "Charlie-"

"Upstairs," I said breathlessly. "Let's go upstairs."

...

"It's really ok to have sex when you're this big?" I wondered, checking out my reflection from different angles. It was difficult to concentrate though, with Edward's distracting image reflected behind me; long and lean and laying in my bed, propped up on the pillows, taunting me with his unruly sex hair. My pussy was still throbbing from the passionate sex we'd just had, and then had again. And again. Three times in an hour. I think he was trying to prove a point.

"It's more than ok," he said with that gravely freshly fucked voice of his. He pulled at the sheet I'd wrapped around me, beckoning me back to bed. I giggled and crawled into him. He wrapped me in his arms as best he could. I hummed in contentment and flushed at the feeling of his bare heated skin against mine, the tickle of his chest hairs against my back. This man's body was oddly perfect in all regards. His hands found their way between my legs and those fingers, holy fuck those talented fingers, parted my folds still damp with his cum and began playing with my lower lips, rubbing my clit, then the hardness of his new erection pushing into the crack of my ass.

"You're insatiable," I giggled. But it was me too. It was never enough. As soon as we'd finished I wanted to do it again. I wanted him inside me every second.

"Your fault," he mumbled, lightly nipping and licking delicate patterns across my shoulder blades. This time he barely needed to move once he entered me. Our muscles spasmed freely on their own from the sheer sensation of flesh on flesh.

...

"We have no candy."

"Pardon?"

"For the trick-or-treaters. And you know what happens to houses that don't have candy, or that give out pennies or apples."

"What happens?"

"Oh come on, Edward. You were a kid once, weren't you? You couldn't have always been this suave, handsome devil."

"You got the devil part right," he snorted, waggling his eyebrows. We were back in the kitchen, refueling on peanut butter sandwiches.

"Maybe I should wear horns when I answer the door. We could put you in some angel wings. That would be hot." Backing me against the counter his lips attacked and moved hungrily over mine. I sucked on his tongue and bit his plump bottom lip, desperate for his taste. I was pretty certain I would never get enough of this man.

The persistent buzz of the doorbell finally knocked us out of our lust-filled haze.

"Fuck, who could that be?" I panted, straitening my dress.

"Hey babe."

_oh. dear. god. and all smiles, too._

"Mike. Hi."

He leaned in for a kiss but I backed away.

"Still not feeling well?" He moved like he was about to come inside without being invited.

"Just tired, that's all."

"You look like you haven't slept in days. Yesterday must have taken alot out of you. Poor mama. Let Mikey Poo take care of you, hm. I'll run you a hot bath, give you a foot massage. You left me hanging last night."

He stepped closer and before I could stop him he had slipped into the house. I didn't follow him. In fact I went in the opposite direction. Out onto the porch, leaving the door open so I could hear the row that was about to ensue once Mike found Edward inside.

It didn't take long for Mike to rejoin me on the porch. His face beet red, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"What the fuck is going on! What is _he_ doing here? Did he spend the night? Oh god I'm going to be sick. Is there something going on with you two?"

"Welcome to nine months ago," came Edward's sarcastic voice from the doorway. He was leaning against the frame, arms crossed, with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. Mike looked at him, then at me, like he'd just been asked the world's most difficult riddle.

"What-what the fuck is that supposed to mean? You don't even live here, _Cullen_! Why don't you go the fuck back East where you belong and leave Bella and me alone!"

Like a thoroughbred out of the gate Edward pushed off the wall and was in Mike's face in a flash. "There is no _Bella and you, _you got that_?_ There never was and there never will be. She's _mine_. Get that through your thick monkey skull."

"Oh yeah? Well why don't we let _Bella _decide who she wants?"

Edward shrugged and resumed his spot against the door.

"Bella," Mike said confidently. "Go ahead. Tell him."

"Tell him, what?" I asked softly, unable to look either of them in the face.

"Tell Edward we're together. Tell him he's wasting his time. You said yourself that he doesn't belong here. That's what you told me, remember? You said that Boston is where he belongs. Didn't you say that?" he pressed.

"Stoppit," I whispered, the tears springing behind my eyes.

"But that's what you said. That you didn't want him here. That he's not right for you. That's what you said."

"_He's too good for me,_" I corrected weakly but it was inaudible over Mike's rant. I kept my face down. My hands clamped against my belly in an attempt to stay grounded.

"Didn't you? Didn't you say-"

"Leave me alone."

"But you said-"

"I said_ leave me alone_!" I screamed out, the tears streaming down my face. Edward was at my side but I backed away until the porch railing stopped me. Mike's eyes bulged in their sockets.

"I don't understand," Mike implored. "I thought we were having fun together. I thought you liked me."

"Mike I want you to leave. Please."

"I'm not trying to upset you, Bella. I swear. I'm just trying to-"

"I'll call you later ok?" I sniffed. "I'm sorry. I'm not angry with you. I'll call you. ...Just go."

"Oh and HE gets to stay? Isn't that nice!"

"Do what she says, Newton," Edward growled. "Leave now while you can still walk without a cane."

...

...

Edward sat at the edge of my bed, elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together. We hadn't spoken since Mike left. Immediately after he pulled out of the driveway I went to my room and closed the door without a word. I needed a moment. Several of them. To berate myself for being such a silly little girl. What had I done? What the fuck was I doing to these two innocent young men? It was fucked up and selfish and stupid and how had I let it get to this point? I had fooled Mike into thinking I was interested in him but I had failed to fool myself. That was the point, initially. His attention, his persistence, it led me to believe there could be more, that more would grow if I let the seeds lay long enough. But nothing ever sprouted for me. Because my heart would always be irrevocably tied to Edward's. But I let my feelings for him cloud my better judgement. I let them overwhelm me and I used another man to try and snuff them out. It was not the behavior of a future mother and I was embarrassed. I needed to put my baby first, then me, then everyone else, Edward included. He or she would be arriving soon, helpless into this cruel world and I would be all they had. My baby deserved 100% of me. How could I give 100% if I was too busy being distracted by my own insecurities and neediness?

After I finished wallowing, I opened my bedroom door and went to the window, giving Edward the signal that it was ok to come up. After a few minutes he stood in the doorway with a cup of tea.

"I should go," he said, his voice devoid of emotion. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Come in."

"No I think I'll go."

His words stung but I deserved them. I'd hurt him. The things Mike repeated were true. I had said them in a moment of extreme weakness when I was missing Edward beyond measure, but I hadn't meant them to sound malicious or aggressive the way Mike did. He took my words out of context and I planned on having a serious discussion with him about that later. But right now Edward was sitting at the edge of my bed with his head in his hands.

"Edward," I said softly as if I were talking to a skittish deer that might run off any second. I paused for a moment and then continued. "I don't want to lose what we have. These last few months it's felt like each passing day erases one of the days we spent together and soon they'll all be gone and it'll be like they never happened."

"Impossible. They happened. I think about those days, and if I'm thinking about them and you're thinking about them, then they'll never fade."

"Those things I said to Mike-"

"You don't want me here. I'm not right for you. Those things?"

"I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I was upset. You hadn't called. I was regretting the things I'd said to you before you left. I was cold and aloof when I shouldn't have been. There were all these conflicting emotions coursing through me and Mike was sitting there and all I could talk about was you. I would have talked to the waiter about you if he'd listen."

"I know. ...I love you, Bella. It's hard for me to be ok with not having you in my life the way I want. It's hard...it's _torture_ for me to watch another guy claim you- "

"I'm going to take care of that. I have to talk to Mike. I've led him on and I have to talk to him. I owe him that much. He's not a bad guy, Edward."

"He's a putz."

"A _what_?" I laughed, and then laughed harder, caught in a giggle fit until my sides hurt and until Edward finally began to laugh along with me. Exhausted I rested my head on his shoulder and took his hand in mine.

"I don't like the idea of you having this baby alone." There was a real feeling of sadness in his voice.

"I'm not alone. My father's here and Alice and your family. My mother is coming up for Thanksgiving and staying until the baby comes. I'll be fine."

"I'll find a way to come back."

"You can't keep ditching your rounds and flying across the country. It's silly. Women have babies every day, don't they? It's not exactly rocket science. Spread your legs. Push. Repeat."

"But I've been with you from the beginning. From six weeks, and I'd like to see it to the end. Oh fuck, please tell me you won't let Mike Newton be my stand-in in the delivery room." he pulled a vomit-face and I patted his hand reassuringly.

"Oh honey I can promise you that. The only person other than the doctor that will get to see me spread eagle on a table pushing a watermelon through a pea hole will be my mother."

We sat side by side in simple silence facing the closet doors and not speaking. I wondered what he was thinking but didn't ask. If he wanted to talk he would but for right now the easiness of being next to him was enough for me.

And then his body started to move and my head was upset from its resting place on his shoulder. I figured he was about to stand so I prepared to as well, but his hands held my weight to the bed and his eyes were their serious color.

"I thought of a way to make sure we don't ever have to do this again."

"Oh yeah?" I poked him playfully in the ribs. "And what's that?"

"Will you marry me?"

**Back to the present**

**EPOV**

"Oh my God. Edward. You didn't."

"I did."

"You _proposed_?"

"I know."

"What did she say?"

"Well I'm not engaged, am I, Rosalie? You're a smart girl, you can do math, what do you think she said?"

"Alright, alright, geez. I won't pry for details. Look, just call her, ok? It doesn't matter what happened. She had the baby. She loves you. She'll want to hear from you."

"No she doesn't, and no she won't."

"Listen to me for once, will you? I'm a woman and that's what _I'd_ want. So call her. Soon."

**BPOV**

_"Hi Bella, it's Irina. First off let me say Congratulations! I heard you had the baby! A boy! Oh honey I'm so happy for you and honored to be on the People to Call list. I can't wait to see pictures. I'm sure he's as beautiful as you are. I have some good news of my own. Maybe now's not the best time to spring this on you but...I met someone. A guy. I met a guy and we're moving in together. He proposed, Bella! He asked me to marry him. Me! And I said yes. We found this sweet little place on the other side of town and, oh Bella, thank you for everything you've done for me. You've always been so nice to me, such a caring person, and letting me stay in your house rent free – it's really helped get me back on my feet. Now I can have the wedding I've always dreamed of and it's all because of you. In fact, you introduced me to my guy without even realizing. He runs the cafe where you used to get coffee, remember? The last time I tagged along you introduced us and, well, since you're not here anymore I have to get coffee myself. The first few times he asked me out I said no. I was so shy and stupid. How could such a good guy be interested in someone like me? I'm awful, remember? That's what Caius always said. God that relationship ruined me for such a long time, Bella. I never thought I'd heal. But I did and that's another thing I have to thank you for. You were my rock back then. You listened to me. You let me cry on your shoulder when Caius and I fought, which was every fucking day."_

Her tone grew harsh and hateful as she thought back to all the tears she shed in the breakroom after a marathon phone call of ugliness with Caius, her douchebag ex.

_"I'll never get those years back but I can't say that I totally regret them. If I hadn't gone through what I went through with Caius, I wouldn't be the person I am today. The person that Ryan loves. Oh hey, whatever happened with that guy you were seeing/not seeing? Edward, right? The last time we talked it was all Edward this Edward that. He seems really great, Bella. Just from the things you've told me, I can tell he really loves you. You deserve it. I'd love to meet him some day. Ok well call me back. I'm sure my message must have cut off by now. Love you sweetie and congrats again!"_

* * *

**eeek, yes yes I know Edward hasn't seen the baby yet. this chapter got away from me. next chapter, promise. in his POV.**

**song courtesy of Coldplay.**


	28. And so it goes

**Holy crap it's been a long time since I updated this sucker! Damn school finals and classes being so hard. I'm sure I've lost most, if not all of you, and that's entirely my fault, but I'm going to finish this story whether you like it or not ;p So if you're still out there and still reading, many thanks. If you're not, no hard feelings.**

**Here we go. Jumping right back in with a quick BPOV. **

**ps - Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer**

* * *

_"I thought of a way to make sure we don't ever have to do this again."_

_"Oh yeah?" I poked him playfully in the ribs. "And what's that?"_

_"Will you marry me?_

...

"_Marry you?" _My pulse thrummed in my ears_. _ "How can you ask me that? You're leaving; back to school, back to the life you have back _there_. Commitments, obligations, opportunities. You can't change those things for me. It's almost time for the baby to come and I can't handle this right now. You're sweet, but-"

"Look, if you don't love me..."

"I'm not saying I don't love you."

"So you _do_ love me?"

"This isn't about love-"

"Jesus Christ, Bella, stop making me beg for you!" He stood and shoved his hands through his hair with a growl.

"I'm not _making_ you do anything! I didn't make you come here-"

"But you're making me leave."

"You're twisting my words."

He turned and faced the door. "...You're right. Ok. It's ok. It's fine. I understand. This obviously isn't going the way I had planned. So I'm going now. I won't bother you anymore. Please accept my best wishes for a healthy and happy life."

"Edward- wait."

But he was gone. The front door slammed and i knew he wasn't coming back.

It may have not happened exactly like that, in that order, that fast or with those same words, but in my mind and in reality, the end result was still the same. He asked. I blew him off. He left. I stayed.

I pulled my buzzing cell phone out of my pocket for the tenth time today and hit ignore. It was my mother _again_. Calling from a Babies 'R Us in Florida _again_. I was in no mood to listen to her recite the total discounts she received on her receipt from clipping coupons. _ Y'know darling, You're going to have to find the patience to look through the paper daily if you want to find the savings_. _Babies are expensive._ Ugh, spare me. But I was thankful for her help cuz holy shit, having a baby is fucking _hard_. Delivering was a walk through the park in heaven compared to having it around all the time and all the time crying and changing and feeding and not sleeping. And when he cries I cry. I cry harder than him and I ask questions out loud to an empty house. Why can't I make you happy? What am I doing wrong?

Renee stayed over for the first few weeks after me and the baby came home. She and my dad put their differences aside and focused on people besides themselves for a change. Sometimes if I closed my eyes for a minute it almost felt like we were a family again. Then I would hear them arguing in the kitchen and reality would force its way back in.

I existed on auto-pilot those first weeks. A zombie state of half-sleep half-awake limbo. There was no order, no adjustment period, just 24-hour chaos. People came and went. Gifts were left. Food was prepared. Smiling faces, kind words. I'm sure I spoke back, although I couldn't tell you what I said. I remember taking a shower at least once or twice and I think I even left the house a few times.

Things have since settled into somewhat of a routine now that Renee has gone, and Charlie is even mildly helpful at times, offering to change dirty diapers and warming up formula without me even having to ask. He's a good grandpa. Rosalie calls him a GILF, which is gross and funny at the same time.

The one bad thing about having a routine, about having tiny bits of down time where the baby is actually sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a clip...the damn memories start sneaking back in. Especially one in particular.

_Marry me, Bella._

_…_

_Bella did you hear what I just said to you?_

He didn't mean it. He couldn't have.

**December 12th**

"Do you have a name picked out for your son, Mrs. Black?" asked the handsome male nurse at my bedside.

"Please, call me Bella. And yes, I do." I looked down into the squished face of my newborn son, his dark hair matted to his round head, his long lashes and tiny nose, his cupid bow lips. He was perfect in every way and he was mine.

"His name is Matthew. Matthew Jacob Black."

"Lovely, ma'am," he smiled, writing it in our charts. "He's gorgeous," he added before silently leaving the room. And we were alone for the first time. My voice was the only voice my son could hear and the first thing I wanted to do was introduce him to his father. I gently pushed the light blue knitted cap up his crinkled forehead and tilted him in my arms.

"Look, Jake. It's your son. He just got here and already I love him more than I've ever loved anything in my life. He has your eyes and your hair." I traced the tiny features of my baby's face and felt the wild tufts of soft black fuzz. "My nose and lips though, thank god," I laughed, looking up at the ceiling towards imaginary Jake. "Isn't he gorgeous? Eight pounds, ten ounces and he came out kicking. Maybe he'll play football for Forks High. Or become a painter or a writer like I used to dream of. Did I tell you I'm starting classes in the Spring? On-line until Matthew's old enough to go to the day-care facility on campus." I placed a kiss on Matthew's warm forehead. "Thank you for giving him to me before you left."

...

"Bella!" I heard my name frantically being called from the hallway. I'd fallen asleep shortly after they'd taken Matthew to the nursery but now I was up.

"Where is she? Where's my little girl?"

"In here, daddy!" I cried out from the hospital bed. The door flew open and my father raced to my side.

"Oh Bella," he took me into his arms in one swoop. "Why didn't you call for me? I would have taken you. You didn't have to go through this alone." His mustache was wet and prickly against my shoulder as he hugged me tight.

"I'm sorry, dad. It all happened so fast. One minute I was walking down the stairs to make breakfast and before I reached the bottom step my water broke. The number for the ambulance was right by the kitchen phone. I was in so much pain it was all I could do to dial. I figured the EMT's would call you as soon as they figured out who I was."

"They did. I was out on a call but I rushed over here as fast as I could." He rocked me and kissed my sweaty hair.

"SO?"

I smiled into his face, tears filling my eyes, joy filing my chest at what I was about to tell him.

"It's a boy, daddy. I had a boy. He came so fast. His name is Matthew. Matthew Jacob and he's perfect."

And there were no words. Just tears. All my big, bad Chief of Police dad could do at that moment was sit on my bed, hold my hand and cry.

"_Bella!" "Bunny?"_ came two more distinct cries from the hallway. Rosalie and Alice raced around the corner, nearly plowing into the nurse come to check on me.

"Hey beautiful!" Alice sang, placing a teddy bear almost as big as her on the bedside table. "Can I get a hug or are you still too sore?"

"Well that depends. Will you be hugging me with your cock? If so I'll have to pass cuz that area's going to be outta commission for awhile."

Alice and Rose stared at me and then looked at Charlie in disbelief.

"Must be the pain meds talking," Rose said, pointing to the bag attached to the tube in my arm.

"Yeah her mother talked like a foul-mouthed sailor for hours after having Bella. And in this weird accent too. Must be genetic," Charlie mused.

"Ok so we won't ask you how you're feeling," Alice giggled, stroking my hair. "But where is the bundle of baby joy for us to hold and coo over?"

"He's in the nursery so his mama can rest," the nurse said sweetly, writing my vitals on her clipboard. "We'll bring him back in soon."

"A boy!" Alice squealed. "What's his name?"

"Matthew Jacob."

"Oh Bella," Alice said, her voice quieter this time. She put her hand on my wrist and squeezed over my hospital bracelet. "That's a great name."

"And you look fantastic," Rosalie added with a wink. "Emmett wanted to be here but he's a little squeamish about hospitals. Apparently he fainted when he visited his sister after she gave birth. Big lug."

"Jasper's on his way with his parents and -" Alice clipped her sentence, her expression altered like she'd just stepped on a grenade. It was more than obvious as to why. Once you name everybody else there's only one person left.

"He doesn't know," Rosalie said quickly, adjusting her bag on her shoulder. "No one's told him. We wanted to ask you if it was alright before we called."

_He doesn't know._

Of all the people I wanted by my side. Of all the hands I wanted to hold, the faces I wanted to see, _needed_ to see. The arms I could feel around me if I just closed my eyes tight enough and the voice in my ear. It was his.

_Marry me._

But how could I after what I'd done? After the unpardonable things I'd said to him how could I ever expect him to contact me voluntarily? What man in their right mind willingly steps in front of a firing squad?

_Marriage. I've done marriage. It's a bad idea._

_Because you don't love me. Tell me you don't love me._

_I can't do that._

_Ok, then tell me you love me._

_I can't do that either._

I was a coward then. But I wasn't going to be a coward any longer.

"It's ok," I said finally with a hopeful smile. "You can call him."

While Rosalie went out into the hall, the nurse brought my baby in to meet his Grandpa and Aunt Alice. Photos were taken, more balloons and flowers arrived and eventually Rose returned. Alice slipped my boy into her waiting arms while I eagerly waited for an update.

"Did you call him?"

"I did."

"Did he answer?"

"He did," she replied, humming a kiss into Matthew's hair.

"Did you talk to him?"

She sighed and nodded. "I did."

"Are you waiting for me to get to twenty questions or are you going to tell me what he said?"

"He said he proposed," she answered sharply, taking me off guard. "Did he? Did my brother propose to you?"

Closing my eyes I rested my head on the pillows. "I was awful to him. He hates me."

"It didn't sound like he hated you. He said things were _Compliqué_. Complicated."

"That's putting it mildly," I snorted. "You don't make fun of a man who just put his heart on the line for you. It's a tad rude."

"I told him to call you."

"Ha!" I laughed out loud. "Great. I'll hold my breath until that happens."

But it didn't. He didn't call and it would be months until I found out why.

* * *

**Oooook now I'm back on track. Hope the jumping back and forth through time thing isn't too confusing. The story will be wrapping up in the next few chapters and everything will tie together.**


	29. You can make decisions too

**EPOV**

**December 12th**

By the time I got off the phone with Rosalie, my shaking hands barely able to put the receiver down on the right place on the wall, I was late for my shift at the hospital. Somehow I managed to chug a cup of coffee while fixing my tie as I flew out the door. Traffic was light but it didn't stop me from speeding in time with the thoughts in my head.

I pulled into one of the spots reserved for employees and interns still tying my tie with one hand and slinging my ID badge around my neck with the other. Breaking into a jog I made my way through the parking lot in time to see Felix sailing through the sliding doors with his leather jacket slung over his lab coat.

"What's with the perma-grin?" he asked with a yawn. "I just got off a triple and even I don't look as happy as you."

I pulled him into a bro-hug before he could say another word.

"She had the baby."

Saying it made it real for the first time. Bella had her baby. She did it. She was so scared of labor but she made it and I was so fucking proud of her. I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl and Rosalie wasn't talking. It was for Bella to tell, she said, and I needed to call her. And I would. I would definitely call her. Knowing how taxing labor is on the body, especially someone as petite as Bella, she'd be sleeping or in various states of exhaustion for the next six to twelve hours so it would be best to let her rest. I contemplated sending a text but after the way we left things the last time I was in Forks, texting would be a pussy move.

"She?" Felix crinkled his brow, waiting for me to elaborate. I smirked and the curtain lifted. "Ohhhhh,_ sheeee, the One_. Well," he looked at his watch. "She went a little early, didn't she. But nothing too serious I suppose. Lemme guess, you're heading out there to be with her and you need everyone on the floor to cover your shifts right before the holidays. Am I right? Well no fucking way that's gonna happen, pal. You'll be eaten alive if you try to pull that shit. _ And_ you're a noob? Even the '_But I'm a Cullen_' card won't win you this hand when it comes to coverage over Christmas break. Sorry. Send a gift."

"I'm not going."

Felix took a step back blinking repeatedly and dramatically with his hand over his heart.

_"Really_? Wow, Cullen, I have to say I'm shocked. _Shocked_ is what I am."

"That's not all you are," I muttered.

"Do I want to know why you're not leaving on a jet plane to be with your lady love?"

I cleared my throat and made my way into the lobby. This was exactly the part of the conversation I wanted to avoid having with my gossip-obsessed friend.

"Like you said, I can't get the time off and I'm on thin ice here as it is. And anyway, last time I was out there..." I rubbed my eyes with my thumbs. "Yeah I'd rather not relive it right before my shift."

"Fair. See you at the bar tonight?"

"Ugh I really shouldn't. Every time I go out with you I spend the next day apologizing to everyone I know."

"Erroneous. It's when you're left to your own devices _without me_ to protect you that you are easily led astray. I promise that will not happen tonight. You. Me. The table way in the back by the dart board for a much needed bro gossip sesh." He waggled his eyebrows while he waited for an answer.

"How are you such a good doctor?" I laughed, shaking my head as I headed inside. "Fine. See you around 10. First round's on you."

The day went by in a blur of ER calls, never-ending pages, vomit, blood, you name it. The emergency room was short-staffed so my rounds were covered by an intern while I covered for another resident. There were no bathroom breaks, no lunch, no smokes. I took a five minute catnap standing up against the water cooler. Thankfully my relief arrived on time and there was no need for me to pull a double.

I was just badging out for the night when I heard my name over the intercom paging me to the nurse's station.

"Phone call, sweetie," said the charge nurse, handing me the receiver.

My heartbeat sped up at the thought that it might be Bella. The thought of the sound of her voice in my ear sent chills down my spine. I'd tell her right away that I loved her, that I was sorry for everything I needed to be sorry for, that I would do and be anything she wanted me to be. Everything would be alright. Everything would be perfect! But my heart stopped just as quickly when I heard the voice on the other end.

...

Racing down the sidewalk I took the stairs to our apartment two at a time. The elevator was too fucking slow and by her tone, every second counted. Down the hall and calling out her name as I pushed through the already open door. Tripping over the kitchen chair laying on its side, the crackle of broken glass under my shoes. I called her name again.

"Tanya!"

"In here," came a weak response. In here? In where? The sight of pasta sauce getting cold on the kitchen table. Empty beer bottles on the counter. Sauce on the floor, smear stains on the wall. The smell of anger and fear and cologne. We'd been robbed. That was the only explanation. Jesus Christ we'd been fucking robbed!

The bathroom door was locked.

"Tanya open up. Unlock the door. It's me. It's Edward."

I tried the knob again. Nothing.

"Tanya?"

With my ear to the door I heard the tiny sounds whimpering children make when they know they're in trouble.

"It's Edward, sweetie," I said softly into the crack. "Open the door, Tanya. There's no one else out here. It's just me."

"Are you sure?" she squeaked.

"I promise."

Thirty seconds passed and I didn't speak again. Finally the click of the lock and she stood in front of me with her head bowed.

I took a step closer. She took a step back, her hand on the lightswitch.

"Look at me, Tan," I said tenderly. The florescence of the bathroom light hid her face. I took a deep breath and steadied the shake in my voice.

"What happened? Let me see. Tanya._ Let me see_. Are you hurt?" I took her by the arm and pulled her towards me but she cried out in pain and sunk to the floor.

As gingerly as I could I lifted her chin to the light. Light purple bruises wet with tears were forming on both cheeks. She flitted her eyes away from my open-mouthed stare but I could still see the evidence that she'd been struck several times. Her bottom lip puffed out unnaturally.

"My god," I breathed in disbelief. My eyes scanned her body. Her stockings were torn. The strap of her dress snapped and broken. Her knees were bloody, leaving streaks of red on the tile. I pushed her hair out of her face and she fell into me, her body shaking with the force of her sobs.

"Everything's going to be ok," I whispered. "I'm calling the police. We'll find out who did this."

_"Jason,_" is what I thought I heard her eke out into my shoulder.

"What?"

"Jason," she repeated, sniffling.

"Jason?" She nodded. "Jenks?" She nodded again. My jaw flexed. _"_You're saying _Jason Jenks_ did this to you?"

She covered her face with her hands and nodded a final time.

My memory is a little foggy after that.

**BPOV**

**March 5th**

"This online class is kicking my ass," I sighed shuffling into the kitchen to check on Matthew's formula. "But you couldn't wait, could you? You just had to start in the spring. As if you don't already have enough on your plate. Maybe one of these days you'll get around to taking the decaying Christmas tree down."

I laughed out loud at that and it echoed around the kitchen, reminding me of how alone I was.

It's amazing how much people want to be around in the beginning when a baby first comes home. You can't shove them out of your house once they get in, with the cooing and the holding and the baby-babbling and the incessant photo-taking. And when they finally leave it's all, _Just call if you need anything, anything at all, a sitter or an extra pair of hands_. And yeah they mean it at first. It's the right thing to say. _I just wanna eat that precious baby up_. Right. Until that precious baby throws up all over you for the last time. Or refuses to sleep for more the ten minutes at a clip. Then where did everybody go? _Sorry, sweetie, I got called into the office, I have to work late, I have a cold, can't be around babies when you're sick._

This must be a bad months for colds. Sitting alone at the kitchen table I took inventory in my head.

Charlie lasted until after Christmas before his cold came on. Extra shifts, investigations in Seattle and Portland, rookie training courses.

Renee showed up on New Year's day and lasted til the end of the week before her cold came on. She's been battling it ever since.

But that's ok because in a few weeks Matthew and I are getting colds of our own. We're packing up and saying goodbye to Forks for awhile. We're leaving this frigid cold behind us and we're going somewhere warm. Somewhere I have been meaning to go for a long time.

I'm taking Matthew to see his father and grandfather. That's right. We're going to Phoenix.

Irina's moved out of the house Jake and I shared during our brief marriage, leaving it empty, leaving the bills piling up, the yard unkept, the taxes needing to be paid. Plus, our belongings...mine and Jake's. Our things. His clothes. The furniture. Sell? Keep? I haven't decided. I'll figure it out when I get there. So far the only people I have told about the trip are Maggie and her mom. They've been great. Always offering their help, always meaning it. And I've taken them up on their offers to babysit a few times when I really needed to get some food shopping done or get in some quality time at the coffee shop with Rose and Alice whenever they're in town. Or the time I agreed to go to the movies with Mike.

Yes, Mike. ...Oh well, I don't feel like talking about Mike right now. As for Rose and Alice...our meet-ups are always fun and filled with laughter, chatter at a mile a minute. It's difficult to keep up with them when they're both going at full speed. Their lives have skyrocketed in a direction that's difficult for me to fathom. In what seems like minutes Rosalie has become one of the most sought after designers of high end, high fashion women's wear in the world. She and Alice opened the store in Seattle days after Matthew was born and the attention her clothing line received has been remarkable. She sold out all the pieces on the rack within the week and has been drowning in custom orders ever since. Requests to dress entire celebrity weddings, movie premieres, gala events, rubbing elbows with Vera Wang and Marc Jacobs. Target even approached her about creating an "affordable" collection for their stores alongside Issac Mizrahi. Alice keeps their schedule updated and organized in her iPhone and together they go over design ideas on Rose's iPad.

There isn't a spare second during our brief meetings over spiced lattes for me to ask them about him. And they never bring it up. It, meaning, _him_.

But he's never far from my mind. Each day there's at least one moment where I think of him, where I imagine what he might do or say in an everyday situation I find myself in. How he'd eat the burnt toast so I wouldn't feel wasteful. How he'd finish the last of the milk even if he wasn't thirsty just so I could put the container out with the rest of the recyclables in time for that weeks pick-up. Like the time I found a pimple on Matthew's bottom. At first I was horrified, then I started laughing at what Edward would think. Would he find it funny or gross or clinically significant? Yup, all three.

I never did find out why he never called the day Matthew was born. Rose said he would. She said he said he would. But he never did. And I never knew why. And I hated him ever since. I swore I'd hate him forever.

Until that first day in April, when Alice let it slip.

**April 1st**

Alice and I sat at a table by the window sipping our lattes while she thumbed through some preliminary designs Rose had sketched out in a notebook. She mumbled to herself while making notes in the margin with a mechanical pencil.

"These are great," I commented, pointing to a rough sketch of a pair of stilettos. "Is she getting into the shoe business?"

Alice smiled brightly. "Aren't they great? I told her she totally should. Clients are always asking. It's inevitable. If she does, I think she might put me in charge of the entire line." She flipped the page and pointed to a pair of fur-lined boots. "I drew these. Rose loved them. I think they'll be included in the collection." Alice's eyes blazed with excitement.

"I'm so happy for you, Al. This is so, so great."

"I wish you weren't moving," she said with a frowny face.

I broke the news to everyone last week. Kind of had to, what with the U-Haul trailer I had hitched to my truck just sitting out in the driveway.

"I'm not moving. I'm just...going for awhile." I forced a weak smile and squeezed Alice's hand.

In truth I didn't know how long I'd be or what I'd find once I got down there. I pushed the thoughts from my mind.

"Anyways on the bright side I finally used my Christmas gift cards to get one of those newfangled phones like you and Rose have. And you have my new number and it has that Skype thing built into it. Damned if I'll ever figure out how to use it, but hey, I could move to Tibet and we'll still be able to keep in touch." I giggled and pulled Alice into a hug. Her shoulders began to shake and I knew she was crying.

"Don't cry, sweetness. We'll always be together. We've been through rougher waters than this."

She shook her head, her lips trembling as they fought against the words that were about to come out.

"I know, Bella. It's not that. It's just...I'm so sorry...about Edward. So sorry...so...so..."

"Sorry? About Ed- Why are you saying this?"

"I should have said it ages ago," she whimpered, her dainty features contorted with regret. "I always thought about it. Thought about you and wondered if you were thinking of him and hating him for what he did to you, just leaving you like that...and then when all that shit happened with Tanya, I didn't know how to bring it up or if you'd even want to talk about it..."

"Talk about what, Alice? What _shit with Tanya_?" I yelped, nearly jumping out of my chair. I hadn't heard Edward's name uttered out loud in my presence in months and now this?

"See?" she cried, loud hiccuping whines. "I knew I should have said something to you, you're my best friend...but Rosalie said not to, because Emmett made it sound like it was really bad and anyways there was nothing you could do, you had a newborn to worry about. Matthew was feverish, remember? He wasn't sleeping and you were always so tired. You didn't need to deal with more shit."

"What shit, Alice? Matthew hasn't been feverish since he was six weeks old. Tell me what's going on!" I was yelling. Customers were looking but I didn't care. Alice kept talking, unstoppable, hysterical. The cafe employees were staring, inching closer.

"He tried to kill her, Bella!"

"_What?_ Edward tried to_ kill Tanya_!" I jumped up from the chair. My body shaking. My head fucking spinning.

Alice waved her hands in front her face. "No. Not Edward. Tanya's boyfriend. Jason. He beat her. He trashed the apartment. Edward came home and found her in a bloody ball on the bathroom floor. When she told him who did it...Edward...he lost it. He snapped or something, I don't know. It must have been just awful...seeing Tanya like that. He called for an ambulance and then he left."

"Left?"

"He went after him. Edward. He went after Jason."

"Oh my god." I sat back down. Quieter but still shaking. My hand over my mouth. One held against my forehead.

Alice went on.

"He found him. Edward and Jason work in the same hospital, so that's where Edward went first and, can you believe it, he found him. The fucking asshole actually went into work after beating the crap out of his girlfriend. Edward tried to talk to him calmly, tried to get Jason to go outside, but Jason wouldn't leave the floor, even had the nerve to start talking crap to Edward. ...Well, that was it."

**EPOV**

_**December 13th 2am**_

_"Hello Doctor Cullen, we thought you left for the night. Is everything... ...Edward? Are you alright?"_

_"Jenks. Where is he?"_

_"Oh, yes, well he did come in in quite a hurry-"_

_"WHERE. IS. HE."_

_"He's in with a patient -"_

_"Cullen...fancy seeing you here. Isn't it passed your bedtime? To what do we owe-"_

_"You bastard."_

_"Well that seems a little uncalled for. You've hurt my feelings, Cullen. I thought we were friends. What have I done to deserve-"_

_"You know exactly what the fuck you did, you dickless piece of shit. Your hands are shaking."_

_"Not here, Edward."_

_"I know, thank you, Mary. Doctor Jenks is going to accompany me outside so we can...talk...about some things."_

_"No can do, Eduardo. Got rounds to do, patients to see. The busy life of a-"_

_"Coward."_

_"Watch your mouth, noob. Just who the fuck do you think you are coming in here, to my ward, and challenging me."_

_"Would it be easier if I were a woman? Then you could just beat me down. Like you did to her. Did you even look back when you walked out on her? When you left her! On the fucking floor like an animal!"_

_"Edward, keep your voice down."_

_"Do as you're told and listen to the nice lady, Cullen."_

_"How could you? Huh? What did she do? Not make the pasta the way you like it? Not let you fuck her in the ass on the kitchen table?"_

_"Jealous? Sounds like it to me. I know you two used to have a thing so maybe you are. I also know that you dropped her for some knocked-up chick from your hometown who pretty much told you to go take a flying leap...isn't that right? That's what I heard. ...And now you're remembering how good Tanya was. And you want that old thing back? Mmm, she'll take it anywhere, won't she. No hole is off limits. And the way she begs for it...delicious. The way she begs." _

_"Doctor Cullen! Edward! Stop! Security! Please Edward stop!"_

**BPOV**

**April 1st**

"Jesus Christ."

"After he got the call Carlisle flew out there that same week to post Edward's bail and arrange for representation."

"Representation?"

"Jenks pressed charges."

"And lemme guess. Tanya didn't."

"Not at first, but when it looked like Edward might face jail time, she spoke up."

I sighed heavily and traced the rim of my coffee cup. "You should have told me."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"What happened next?"

"Edward beat Jenks pretty bad. From what Rose said, it took three men to pry Edward's hands from around Jenks' neck. It was touch and go there for about a month."

"A month!"

"Collapsed lung, internal bleeding. God, if Jenks had died...I don't want to think about it."

Neither did I. I was barely holding on to the one shred of composure I had left after hearing all this.

"Needless to say Edward was fired or expelled, whatever it's called, for breaking endless rules of conduct and hospital policy. After everything came out in court..."

"Shit, Alice. You said court. It really _was_ bad, wasn't it?"

She nodded. "But Carlisle and Esme must have gotten him a really good team of attorneys cuz somehow he ended up with a lesser sentence, I think that's what it's called," She shrugged. "Suspension, which is up in June and then he'll be put on probation indefinitely. That's all I know."

Later that day, after saying a tearful goodbye to Alice and giving Maggie twenty bucks for watching Matthew, I brought my baby boy into bed with me and held him close while I cried - cried for hating Edward all these months for abandoning me when it was really me who abandoned him.

I don't know why I did it, or what came over me as I pictured Edward sitting cold and scared in a sterile courtroom, but I reached to the nightstand for my phone and dialed. The other line picked up after two rings.

"Esme? Hi. It's Bella."

* * *

**A/N: Heyyyyyy. *hides* Ages, yes ages, but I've finished summer school and now finishing this fic is next. I just want to address the above by saying that I HATE the law. Reading about it, I mean. And writing about it, and researching it...ugggggh sooo boring. I hate it when fics get too caught up in the technicalities and specifics. As long as it doesnt sound TOO far out there, I'll believe it. So yeah, I'm skipping all that stuff. two more chapters, I think.**


	30. Whirlwind

**Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

**S. Meyer owns Twilight.**

* * *

**Something there is about you, that strikes a match in me.**

**Is it the way your body moves, or is it the way your hair blows free?**

**Or is it because you remind me of something that used to be?**

**- Bob Dylan**

**BPOV**

**Present day**

"Esme's in her office. Her conference call is running long. Please sit down. Coffee?"

Carlisle motioned in the direction of the kitchen and closed the front door behind us. I sat at the island and crossed my arms on the counter.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Good afternoon to you, too," Dr. Cullen chuckled, pushing his glasses to the top of his head. I'd forgotten how handsome he was. How much Edward took after him in his build, his strides, the absolute control he had over his tall frame and long limbs.

He sat down soundlessly and with ease.

"Long time no see," he smiled, pouring each of us a cup from the Tassimo machine. "How's Matthew?"

"I got your card. Thank you," I answered curtly, setting my mug down and staring out the window.

"I've been meaning to call, or to stop by in person but-"

"- with what's been going on with Edward, y'know him being _in jail _and all, I understand why you wouldn't," I spat. "Luckily you had Rosalie and Alice and Emmett to help you keep the truth from me so you didn't have to do all the work by yourself."

My fury surprised even me and my tone was borderline rude but I wasn't budging. I was pissed. The more I thought about it, the more it boiled inside me.

_All this time. Everyone knew all this time._

"I suppose I deserve that," he calmly replied. _Jesus, I see where Jasper gets it_.

"And what about what _I _deserved? How could you keep this from me? All of you! You all knew how I felt about him! You all knew!"

"Did we?"he asked but I was too far gone on my pent up rant.

"Maybe I could have done something! Maybe I could have helped! At least I could have told him that I _lo-_...that I cared somehow! All this time and he-"

"Bella, if we thought telling you about what happened with Edward would have done either of you any good, believe me we would have. Your relationship with Edward, well, let's just say it's _confusing_ to those of us outside of it."

He removed his wire-framed glasses and carefully set them on the glass table. He shifted in his chair and cleared his throat. These actions all made me uneasy, as though he were preparing for what he would say next.

"I'll be frank to save us the time. You had just had a baby. Edward was facing serious legal ramifications for his behavior at the hospital. Excuse me if how _you_ would have felt about it was not at the top of my list of things to worry about. ...Now. Are you done playing the victim?"

My cheeks flamed with embarrassment. Leave it to Carlisle to slice my argument to shreds and leave the pieces.

"How, um, how is he?" I asked meekly.

He paused and stirred, taking in the question, taking his time as he thought over the happenings of the last few months, events I couldn't imagine; what Edward had been through and how he'd coped. My heart cracked in a new place, a place unknown.

"He's better," he answered, but there was coolness in his tone.

"Have you seen him?"

"Not since the sentencing. He's not to leave the state of Massachusetts...Our phone conversations are brief. He's trying to rebuild trust and mend relationships, which is going to take time."

"All this time we could have been together. I've blow it, haven't I? I've blown it."

"It's possible that he's closed the door on those feelings because he thought there was no chance of them being reciprocated."

_Ouch._

"I know you don't like me, Dr. Cullen. Not really."

"Don't like you? What's not to like, Isabella?"

"Well, don't _approve_ of me then. Don't agree with the decisions I've made in my life. My station. My class. Don't find me fit..."

"_Fit_? I'm struggling here, my dear. Where is this coming from?"

"Suitable, then. You don't find me suitable. I know you don't. You never have. You're nice to me and a good doctor but you never thought I was good enough."

"Good enough."

"For Edward."

"Ah."

"I'm right, aren't I?"

"I'm not sure where you're going with this line of questioning, my dear. I want what's best for my children and I do what I can to help them achieve to their full potential. I like you, Isabella. Of course I do. But that doesn't make you right for my son. Edward thinks with his heart. Of this I'm sure you're aware. He's always been a free spirit. While his siblings pursued their chosen paths easily and with vigor, Edward was more difficult to pin down. Music, medicine. He loves animals and cars. In school he played basketball, baseball and soccer and he excelled at them all. He liked everything. But his natural affinity for the medical profession made it an easy..."

"Push."

"I provide guidance."

"By guiding him away from me."

"You had a hand in that, did you not? Besides, Tanya and Edward made sense."

Carlisle paused big and shook his head, eyebrows knitted together and a heavy sigh. "Insecurity has always been your weakness. It has turned you into a perpetual saboteur. Edward saw past that. I could have screeched the house down with demands for him to return to Boston and continue a relationship with Miss Denali and it would have done no good – he wouldn't have heard me, he would have stayed, he would have done whatever you wanted - if you had told him your true feelings."

"Which is exactly why I didn't! I didn't want him to change his path in life because of me. He's - so -"

"And he hasn't. So you should be happy. You told him to go and he went. Amiable Edward. And there he will stay. Once he has put this unfortunate transgression behind him and his probation has been lifted, he will return to the path he has carved out at one of the finest medical institutions in the world."

"What has he been doing all this time...since the...since it...y'know..." I floundered, my face blushing scarlet. This was the closest I'd been to Edward in months, sitting next to his father in the house where he grew up, where we'd spent many intimate moments exploring each others bodies and souls. It was more overwhelming to be inside these wall than I'd anticipated.

"Edward has been volunteering his time and service at various walk-in clinics across South Boston. Seventy hours a week for the last eight weeks." For a brief moment I thought I saw a trace of a smile cross his face. Pride, perhaps, that Edward was using his penance to help the city's less fortunate.

"Is Tanya," I croaked. "...are they still living together?"

Carlisle raised his eyebrows and a smirk grew in the corner of his mouth. "These are Edward-sized questions, Isabella. I'm sure he'd prefer to answer them himself than to have me speak out of turn..._which I often do_."

He shrugged and rose to retrieve a water bottle out of the fridge. "Tanya and Edward make sense. They are a good fit. I always thought so. It has nothing to do with whether I like you or dislike you, it's a matter of what's best for my son."

"He doesn't love her." I stated fact. "He loves me." Fact..._I hope_.

"You sent him away, so what does it matter who he loves now?" It wasn't sarcasm, it wasn't meant to hurt me. He was merely stating fact.

"I know that. You're right," I whispered as the words gagged me, but I had to ask. "Has he asked about me?"

"Edward does not speak to me about his personal life. I do not ask. He does not offer. ...Perhaps my wife can prove a better resource on the subject." And with that Esme appeared in the doorway. Carlisle handed her a steaming mug of her own and politely excused himself.

"Bella I am so sorry to have kept you waiting." She glided across the kitchen and gave me a swift hug. She smelled as I remembered - sage - and was dressed out of the pages of J. Crew. "I hope my husband hasn't been too -" she waved away the rest of the sentence with a knowing smile.

"Blunt? Yes, but not too."

"And how is Matthew?"

"He's fine, thank you. Very well."

...

I came home from a short shift at the store to find Mike sitting on my front stoop, his eyes trained on the hitch attached to my truck and the stack of empty cardboard boxes waiting to be folded and filled. He looked like a kicked puppy with sad, mournful doe eyes.

"Hey Mike. What's up?" I asked as cheerfully as I could. I was itching to get inside to Matthew and wanted to make this quick without being rude.

"You're really leaving."

"Yeah. I really am."

A pained expression contorted his face and he stood. "I thought you'd come back to me full-time...to work, I mean. For me, to work. And maybe..." He walked towards me with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans. I stood frozen, clutching the car door handle.

"Didn't we have a good time together, Bella? For a minute there didn't you think, couldn't you imagine us? That _we_ could work? Even better than you did with-"

"Mike, don't -"

"Jesus. He's still got your claws in you, doesn't he? What is it about him, huh? He's not even here! He's hasn't been here for months, he hasn't seen Matthew or called and yet he's_ still_ the one you want, isn't he?"

"You don't understand-"

"You're damn straight about that! What's so great about Edward fucking Cullen?"

I flinched, stunned by Mike's eruption. He sensed it and backpedaled.

"I'm sorry. Shit, Bella, I didn't mean to yell."

"Look, Mike...We've talked about this. I'm leaving next week. Let's just keep us like we are, ok? Friends. Please. I've got to get in to Matthew."

"Friends," he grumbled. "Great. Just what I was hoping you'd say."

"Hey Mags," I sighed, dropping my bag on the kitchen table and lifting Matthew out of her arms. "Thanks for babysitting on your day off."

"I saw," she said, chewing on the inside of her cheek and pointing out the window at Mike walking down the driveway. "Sorry about Mike. He's been sitting out there for an hour waiting for you. It's weird. He's my boss at the store so I can't tell him to leave, but_ you're_ technically my boss when I'm here. I didn't know what to do so I've been ignoring him."

I laughed at her innocence, causing Matthew to squirm in my arms until he was comfortable again. "It's ok. I talked to him - sort of. I never know what to say so there's all these awkward silences."

"He wants you to stay, doesn't he?"

"Yeah."

"He really likes you."

"Yup."

"He's a nice guy."

"He is."

"But you still love Edward?"

" -_ Excuse me_?"

"I have a feeling he still feels the same way."

"What?" I repeated dumbly.

"Check your machine."

"You're being very vague right now, what's going on?" I tried not to appear anxious as I carried Matthew into the living room and sat down next to the machine with it's red light blinking.

"I didn't pick up - but I did listen while he was leaving it. Are you mad? I couldn't help it," Maggie continued, standing in the doorway behind me. "He sounded so - I don't know - his voice is really sexy and - shit, sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

I reached my finger out in slow motion and pressed PLAY. Matthew nuzzled into my neck and I took a deep whiff of his scent to ground me as the BEEP sounded...and then...his voice filled the air...sexy as hell.

"Bella, it's Edward. I...hi."

He cleared his throat and even on a recorded message I could feel the pull of him, the hook in my chest lunging painfully towards the receiver. He sounded nervous, shaky, but somehow managed to continue.

"You changed your number, but I got it from - ...anyways, I'm calling because...I wanted to call to say..."

He cursed under his breath and for a moment I thought he'd hung up. The sounds of shuffling and movement and and another curse and he's back with force and urgency

"I didn't do any of those things. Bella, you have to believe me. The things they said I did. What they accused me of. I never laid a hand on Tanya, ever. They said when we were dating that I – anyway, it isn't true. And I wasn't trying to kill Jenks. That wasn't my intention like they said it was. That's not why I went there. ... Christ if you had _seen_ what he did to her – it doesn't matter. It's over. But I couldn't call, Bella, I just couldn't. My lawyers said – and my father, he, ah fuck it. He went ballistic. _Jeopardizing your future, everything you've worked for_, blablabla. It was so bad."

This was the point where Edward would have his hand pulling through his hair in frustration. It made me smile.

"And the judge, he, ugh, I thought he'd – I was so - I had to be on my best behavior. I didn't even have a phone for awhile. And I don't have the same number anymore. It's...um, I don't remember, hopefully you have caller ID. ...I tried to call you once, to say Merry Christmas, on your house phone, but I hung up after two rings. Merry Christmas, _Merry fucking Christmas_, yeah right. Joke. I – shit - I don't know why I'm calling you now. Maybe because I heard you went to my house to talk to my parents. I was shocked to hear you did that."

He chuckled and I thought I heard him say _you're crazy_. My heart flipped happily. _Edward._

"I didn't know you didn't know. Bella, I thought you knew this whole time. So stupid," he hissed. "I'm sorry I haven't called. I wanted to call. I should have called. This is the longest fucking message in history."

And then a voice in the background and Edward's muffled response. "Yeah yeah ok I'm just – one second, ok?"

_Edward, keep talking to me. Don't hang up._

"Anyway, I hope you're ok. And Matthew, too. That's his name, huh? ...Rose finally told me. It's a good name. I hope he's ok, too. Wow. He's finally here. Remember how we used to take turns feeling him kick you? And that time he got you right in the rib? So hard you couldn't sit up straight? ...I heard you did great in the delivery room. I told you you would. Fuck, I'm so sorry about all this. I should have been there. I never should have left. We should have - if only we'd just - I should have told you so many times - "

"No, Edward, I should have told_ you_ so many things. I'm the one who's sorry," I cried out, sitting on the edge of the couch hanging on to his every word.

" - how I felt - maybe things would have turned out differently for us."

And then the voice again, clearer, closer.

"Are you ready? We're going to be late."

"Yeah I'm coming."

"Who are you talking to?"

"I'm leaving a message. Can you grab my coat?"

"Bella? Sorry about that. I'm - uh - I have to go. Listen, maybe -"

"Eddie!"

"Dammit. Coming! - Bye Bella."

...

The Phoenix heat dries my soggy bones and further tints Matthew's already goldened skin. He's looking more like Jacob with each passing day. My boy. My bright, happy boy. Yes, I count his existence in days.

And then one day his existence on this earth surpassed the number of days I had Edward in my life.

Alice was the first to call on the day Matthew turned six months old. She was back in Forks with Rosalie after three weeks in Spain working on costume deigns for a film that was being shot in Barcelona.

"You sound kinda distant, love. And not in miles. Everything ok?" she asked after we'd spoken for a few minutes. She was intuitive, that girl. She knew me better than I liked to admit. Alice had been my best friend since I was old enough to know what having a friend like her meant. She'd been there through every major event in my life. My parents divorce, my move to Phoenix, my marriage to Jake, his death, my pregnancy, Edward, the birth of my son, my break-up with Edward, my move back to Phoenix...and now this.

"I've got a buyer."

"You sold it!"

"I sold it."

"Oh Bella, honey, that's great. ...isn't it?"

"Yeah. It's been on the market for months, I was getting worried. But the realtor brought them by last week and they seemed really nice. Newly married couple with a baby on the way. Their credit checked out. They love the house. The yard. Everything."

"Doing those renovations paid off."

"I'll say. My credit card is begging for mercy though. I really need this money, Al."

I knew I'd return to find the house in a somewhat state of disrepair after a year away, but after taking my real estate agent on a walk-through it was apparent that in order to put it on the market for the price I wanted, there were some major repairs and upgrades that needed to happen. Plumbing issues in the upstairs bathroom. Upgrades to the central air conditioning system. New flooring in the living room. Kitchen appliances that actually worked. Ripping up the dead shrubbery in the front yard. It was a daunting task to undertake especially since I needed to _live_ in the house with a baby while it was happening. Paying for a hotel was out of the question but it seemed Matthew inherited Jacob's sleeping gene. There could be a jackhammer blasting away in the next room and not a peep outta this boy.

"So, what's next?" Alice asked.

"Dunno. Tucson maybe. There's a human resources position at U of A that pays great and has benefits. They liked my resume and my credits will transfer."

"You don't seem thrilled."

"Eh."

"There's something else, isn't there. Come on. Spill it. What's bothering you?"

I twirled the phone cord around my finger and stirred Matthew's baby food. Alice wasn't going to let me off the hook and I was a terrible faker.

"Nothing - it's just...This time last year I was three months pregnant. It got me thinking, that's all."

"Thinking about what?"

That's when the calendar on the fridge caught my attention and my stomach heaved into my throat. JUNE. We're in the month of June. June. I found a pen and X'ed off the days we'd gone through so far, stopping on today. The 12th. My eyes dropped to the following week and the number was all I could see.

June 20th. Edward's birthday.

"Bunny?" Alice's voice tried to penetrate the haze I was in, but it was too late. I was remembering.

He'd stopped by the store after a jog, sweaty and glistening, and did that thing where he leans against stuff and looks at me.

_"I was wondering if you'd like to come to dinner at my house tonight. My mom's cooking a feast."_

_"What's the occasion?"_

_"It's my birthday."_

_"I don't have a present for you."_

_"You don't need to get me a present, Bella. Come to dinner with me, that'll be my present."_

"Bella are you there?" Alice repeated impatiently. "What are you daydreaming about? Lemme guess...Edward?"

_Geez go right in for the kill why don't you. _

"...His birthday is next week." I traced my finger over the day on the calendar.

_"Wanna go up to my room?"_

_"Touch me."_

"Yeeah, I know," she answered cryptically. "He's coming home."

"What?" I hiccuped, which made Matthew crack up laughing in his high chair. "When were you planning on telling me?"

"I was getting to it! After I caught up on how _you and Matthew_ were doing. That's more important to me. Jeez. His probationary period is over next month and they're let him come out early so he can - I shouldn't be telling you all this...it doesn't matter now."

"Alice!"

"Alright. He's transferring to Northwest."

"He's...Northwest...that means..."

"He's moving to Seattle."

Matthew's bottle slipped from my hand and thudded to the kitchen floor.

"Bella?"

With trembling knees I managed to bend over and pick it up.

"Sweetie? You still with me?"

I took a deep breath and attempted to compose myself, hugging my knees and clutching Matthew's bottle. I stood and found my voice, placing the bottle in my baby's outstretched arms.

"I shouldn't have said anything. But I know you're still not-"

"It doesn't matter, Alice. I can't come back."

"Because you're moving to Tucson or because you're scared?"

"_Scared_? I'm not-"

"You have to come back to Forks to pack the rest of your things then, don't you? If you're moving to Arizona permanently, don't you?"

"I hear your sarcasm, Al," I sneered.

"Come home. Rosalie wants to show you the new line she's created. After all, you were her inspiration."

"Me?'" I laughed out loud. "Is she designing a line of frumpy sweatpants?"

"Come home."

"I don't have the money for a plane ticket."

"Consider it my half-birthday present to Matthew."

"No I can't let you-"

"Babe," she cut me off. "for the first time in my life, I can afford it. I'm loaded!"

...

"There's my handsome grandson," Charlie cooed, lifting Matthew's carriage up the porch steps. He stopped in the entryway and gave me a hug.

"You look exhausted, Bells. Was Matthew difficult on the plane?"

"He was great, dad. A little fussy in the beginning but I put my earbuds on his shoulder and played him music and he was out like a light."

"You're one lucky mom, you know that?"

"Do I ever."

After settling Matthew down for a nap and unpacking, I shuffled around the kitchen in an attempt to piece together a meal of my own. It hadn't taken long for the entire house to turn back into a man-cave since I'd left. All that was in the fridge was bread and beer and frozen pizza in the freezer.

I called Alice. She and Jasper had bought an apartment in Port Angeles. Maybe they'd feel like taking a ride down here to slum it at the diner with me. Plus I promised her I'd call her as soon as I landed back in town.

"Bunny!" she squealed instead of saying hello. "Are you here?"

"Indeed I am."

"So are we!"

"You're in Forks?"

"We're at Jasper's parents."

"You're at the Cullen's?" I rasped. _Shit._ I wasn't ready for this yet. I thought I'd at least have a day or two to unwind, and hide.

"Yes. But don't worry," she said softly, as though she'd put her hand over the receiver. "He isn't here."

After our phone conversation where I somehow agreed to come back to Forks to pack my things and _not_ because Edward was coming home for his birthday, Alice found me the first flight out of Phoenix and there was a car service waiting for me at the Seattle airport. I'd be lying if I said I didn't scan the airport crowd looking for faces that might be Edward's. Cuz I did. But she was right. He wasn't there.

"...yet," she added. "So come over! Bring the baby! I want to see him sooooo bad!"

...

"_Bella's here!_"

I'd know that voice anywhere and I heard it echo through the house before I saw her bounding down the hall behind Jasper.

"So nice to see you again, Bella. It's been far too long," Jasper said sincerely, taking my hand in his and kissing it ever so gently leaving me swooning like a Southern Belle.

"Why Jasper Cullen, I do believe you are making me blush," I teased.

"That's why I can't keep my hands off him," Alice snarled, tackling Jasper from behind and kissing him forcefully all over his cheeks and neck. He took her in his arms and kissed her sweetly on the mouth; oblivious to my presence they exchanged a look of such intense adoration that I had to turn away. I smoothed my hands down the front of my jeans and waited for them to finish.

The foyer filled with commotion and clamor as Esme and Emmett appeared from the kitchen with Carlisle in tow. They crowded around Matthew who was sitting in his carriage wide-eyed and alert and with a toothless smile for them all. They were all smiles back and _oohs_ and _aaahs_ and _my how you've growns_. He's picked up and passed around and before you know it he's crying to tell me that he's had enough. Once he's in my arms with a bottle in his mouth he's content and kicking and wanting more attention.

"You really have your heart set on one of those?" Emmett attempted to say under his breath, but that's like asking a bear to growl softly. Jasper avoided eye contact and Alice turned bright red.

"Shit," I saw her mouth to Jasper.

"Ok what's going on?" I huffed, setting Matthew back in his carriage and crossing my arms. That means I'm serious. "Alice, are you pregnant? Because if you are and you haven't told me yet, ok I know_ I_ didn't tell _you_ right away but that was different and you know it-"

"I'm not pregnant." She took Jasper's hand in hers and held them both out to me and that's when I saw the rock shining on her dainty finger. "We wanted to tell you at dinner tonight - which you're staying for, by the way - We're getting married!"

I hug her senseless and then attack Jasper and there's jumping and squeeing and I'm the girliest I've ever been. Because I'm so fucking happy for my friend.

"How are you going to hold your wrist up with that fucking thing hanging on it," I teased, shading my eyes from the Noth Star-shaped diamond. Alice caved into me and sighed dreamily.

"Why don't you let me look after this little bundle while you girls catch up," Esme offered, her eyes moist as they looked at her soon to be daughter-in-law. I thanked her and handed over Matthew's bag.

We walked the halls arm and arm, chatting like old times, before making our way into the sunroom.

"I want you to be my maid of honor, you know that, right?"

I nodded. "Just like you were mine."

"Oh honey-" her face fell and I knew what she was thinking. "Your wedding was so beautiful. You were a gorgeous bride and-"

"Hey hey hey, don't you dare get all maudlin on me. This is about _you_." I made my 'that's the end of it' face and Alice grinned a mile wide.

"Where's Rosalie? I'm dying to see the new line of Single Mom Jeans she's created in my honor."

Alice was about to speak when the intercom went off, causing me to nearly jump into her lap. I'd forgotten that there was one on every room.

"_Alice?_" came Jasper's voice. "_Alice Brandon almost Cullen? Do you copy? This is your fiance. Come in_. Over."

Alice skipped over to the wall and hit the button. "This is Alice Brandon soon to be Cullen. Over."

"_Your beautiful presence is requested upstairs. In my, um, room. ...It's not what you think, Bella_. Over."

"It's exactly what you think," Alice said with a wink before hitting the button again. "_Ten-four, good buddy. Over and out_."

And I'm left alone in the sunroom. It's peaceful and quiet and I relish the few minutes of child-free isolation before I go back to my bubbly boy. The potted plants and bushes and hanging flowers fill the room with a marvelous fragrance and the huge glass windows overlook the manicured side lawn. It's relaxing. The quiet is a music all it's own. I took a moment to stretch my weary muscles, bending down to touch my toes, sway side to side, deep breaths and then up towards the ceiling. _Ahhhh_. Inhale. Exhale.

"Hello."

I spun in place, arms still up high, my hair whirling behind my head and landing across my shoulder. All air rushed out of my lungs and even though the lights weren't on, it was all too clear, the sight of him standing in the doorframe, tall and lean - leaner than I'd ever seen him - with his long arm outstretched bracing his weight against the wall. A silouhette illuminated from behind.

Glorious.

"_Edward._" I took a few steps forward. He remained still. "You startled me."

Motionless. Like stone. His gaze trained on my face. I shivered.

His voice melted through the space between us. "You seem surprised to see me."

"You don't seem surprised to see _me_," I croaked.

"I was briefed during the ride from the airport. Rosalie said you were back in town. I was hoping you'd be here."

"And here I am."

His arm came down and he strode towards me. Three steps. Maybe four and I could smell him. Jesus fucking Christ he still smelled exactly the same, even if his hair was a bit shorter and he'd lost some weight and he was wearing clothes I'd never seen before, his smell was unmistakable. Not shampoo, not soap; it was the natural musk scent of his skin and hair and breath and it was all over me.

"Here you are." His fingers grazed the back of my hand. I made a tiny sound. He pulled them away and put them in his hair. "Jesus I've missed you. I never thought I'd...I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much." His brows knitted together and he looked away in frustration. "There's so many things I want to say."

"Me too. How long are you in town for?" I held my breath but he didn't keep me waiting.

"I'm here for a few days."

"Then we have time." I smiled and pulled his fingers out of his hair. And just like that the last six months evaporated. All that mattered was here, in our bubble, the pull, the hook, whatever you wanted to call it. The rest was decoration. He would tell me on his own time about Northwest and what happened with Jenks. I'd tell him about Matthew and labor and Phoenix. There would be time for apologies and yelling and the hundreds of unsaid words finally spoken. But it didn't matter right now. What mattered now was that Edward still wanted me. I could feel it. In the way his breaths fanned across my face in delicate ripples. The way his jade eyes blazed. The blush in his cheeks. His wet tongue darting across his lips and through his teeth.

His hand fell and rested on my hip. He squeezed. I sighed and tipped my head to the side. He swept my hair away to make room for his lips and he whispered against my skin with each feathery kiss that brought me back to life, woke me up, sewed me back together and I gripped his upper arms, digging my nails through his shirt and into his skin until it hurt. He pulled away to look at me.

"Are you ok?" he murmured, barely moving his lips. "Is this too soon?" He stroked up my neck with the back of his hand and ran his thumb over my bottom lip. "I'm sorry if I'm out of line. I'm out of line, aren't I. I can't help it. I'm powerless when it comes to you. You can slap me if you want. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to-"

"Shut up." I pinched his lips together with my fingers and he tried to grin. I shook my head 'no'. "I'll let go if you promise to use these perfect lips for something other than apologizing. Save it for later. Not now."

He laughed throatily and wrapped his long fingers around my wrist. I let go but rested my hand on his stubbled cheek.

"Can I just say one more thing?"

"It better not have the words I'M or SORRY in it," I warned.

"I promise."

"Go ahead."

"It's not going to be all deep or anything. Shit now I feel all this pressure to be poetic. Maybe I can make some of the words rhyme-"

"Just say what you wanted to say, Edward!" I laughed, slapping him on the chest.

"Your hair is long. I've never seen it so long. No that's not what I wanted to say. See now I'm nervous. You make me nervous." He pulled my body flush to his, clasping his hands above my ass. "Or maybe it's excitement. Yeah that's it. You _excite_ me," he growled into my ear.

"Are you going to say what you wanted to say or not?" I whispered, trying to maintain my composure, which was proving next to impossible with his strong arms wrapped around me.

"I want to meet your son."

"He's upstairs."

I felt him smiling into my hair.

"Good. ...Were you ever really pregnant? Look at you, Bella. God you are incredible. Your body is...are you feeling what you do to me still?"

"What was the one more thing you wanted to say, Edward?" I deflected because um YEAH I could feel what I was doing to him pressing into my inner thigh and it was making my head swim.

"Say my name again."

"_Edward_."

He groaned and dropped his forehead to my shoulder.

"Yes. Thank you.

"If you're not going to tell me what you wanted to say, then _I'm_ going to say something," I blurted out.

"By all means. Tell me anything. I could listen to your voice all day and all night and every second for every second I've missed and then some." He trailed fiery hot kisses across my collarbone to drive the point home.

"_Anything_," he whispered breathlessly.

"I love you."

The kisses stopped and his head shot up. His hold on me loosened briefly and then tightened. There was no expression left on his face and then suddenly there was. A brilliant smile slowly grew from both sides of his mouth until there was no room left to hold it.

"_You do_." It wasn't a question but I nodded anyway.

"Yes. I do. Very much. I realize I've never said it - there were so many times that I wanted to - but I always felt it. I always have. Very much. And I hope you can still - that you still -"

He cupped under my jaw with both of his hands and began pulling my face closer to his.

"Bella, my beautiful _Bella_, I never-"

"_EDDIE_?"

He froze and the color slowly drained from his face.

_"EDDIE_? Are you down here? This house is so big, I can't find anyone. Hellooooo? Eddie where are you?"

It was coming from the intercom. My mouth hung slackjawed in shock. Edward's eyes were wild. I wrenched myself free from his embrace and backed away like he'd suddenly contracted plague. He tried to come closer but I held my hand up.

"Stay away from me."

"Bella, please, let me explain."


	31. A part of me apart from me

_"Stay away from me."_

_"Bella, please, let me explain."_

_oOo_

_"Explain? _Oh by all mean, please explain! I can't wait to hear this!" I laughed, crossing my arms and bouncing my leg.

"Ok just_..._calm down-_"_

"Do_ not_ tell me what to do. You wanted to explain, so explain. You know what, don't bother. I've got to get back to my son and get the fuck out of here." I stomped past him mumbling _I don't know what I was thinking _but Edward grabbed me by the elbow to stop me. That's when she came rushing in, out of breath from running down the endless corridors of the mansion, little pieces of blonde hair escaping the bobby pins and hair tie holding her ponytail in place. She was wearing a pink sleeveless dress and white sweater and she looked cute. Damn her.

_"_Eddie," she gushed happily. "Finally. I was getting more and more lost in here and_- _Oh." Her eyes landed on Edward's hand clutching my arm and she quickly assessed my appearance in the blink of an eye (a girl can tell these things). My skinny black jeans (Edward was right, my figure was back and more slamming than ever), peep toe kitten heels and a scoop neck sleeveless blouse that hung lower than a V-neck (I wasn't breastfeeding but the hormones made the girls full and at least one cup-size bigger. This shirt made that apparent). Her smile faded.

"Hello. You must be Bella."

There were so many things I could say. _Good to finally meet you. So sorry to hear about your boyfriend nearly killing you._

Instead I smiled weakly. "Yes, um, hello. And you're Tanya. Nice meeting you."

Her attention went back to Edward. "Eddie, your mom's looking for you. Dinner's ready. She's expecting all of us to be there."

"...If you'll excuse me," I muttered, wrestling my arm from Edward's grasp and backing out of the room. "It was...ok, well...excuse me."

After finally putting myself out there and confessing my feelings, there was nowhere I'd rather _not_ be more than at a dinner party with Edward and Tanya.

...

"In here, Bella! We're in the dining room," Esme called out as I hauled ass down the hall. "I set Matthew up in the den. He's such a well-behaved baby. I've never seen anything like it." She was all smiles as she hung out of the doorway and ushered me into the large dining hall filled with smells and music. I took a deep breath and let myself be led. Alice was standing in the center of the room with a mortified look on her face and a thousand soundless apologies falling from her ruby lips.

"_I didn't know_," she mouthed for only me to see, jerking her head towards Tanya who had just walked in behind a crest-fallen Edward. I gave her a meek smile, an _It's ok_, even though it was anything but.

Trapped. I was trapped inside an oak-walled, dining room-shaped prison where I was going to be further trapped at a shiny dinner table with its spotless utensils and centerpieces in perfect arrangement. Why couldn't my son throw a tantrum when I needed him to instead of sleeping soundlessly in the next room? I'd already exited twice while drinks were being served to go check on him and the door connecting the den to the dining room had been left plenty ajar. I needed only to crane my neck to the right and I could see Matthew in his carriage sucking on his pacifier and dreaming. I was out of excuses. I would have to sit through this dinner and somehow manage to choke down a yet to be determined amount of food.

Edward was standing by the fireplace, a glass of beer in hand, talking to Carlisle in hushed tones. I watched like a stalker from my hiding spot behind a huge potted palm on the other end of the room. Every now and then Edward's brow creased and furrowed, his jaw would clench and his father's lips would purse in a thin line as he looked over to where Tanya chatted sweetly with Esme, no doubt about how she was fairing now that Jenks was out of her life and Edward was back in it. God I felt so fucking stupid! I wanted to grab my son and run. But no. I would endure.

I watched Edward scan the room. He was looking for me, I knew it. He had seen me leave several times to check on Matthew and probably thought that that's where I'd gone again. He set his empty glass on the mantle and walked into the den with a last glance over his shoulder.

"You doing ok in there, Secret Agent Swan?" Rosalie asked from the other side of the palm. She poked her head through the branches to tease me. "You're looking a little green."

I let out a huge sigh and downed the rest of my token glass of chardonnay just as Jasper made the announcement for us all to take our seats.

Rose pulled out the chair next to her and I sat down without a word. Soft classical music floated from the surround sound speakers. I tried to concentrate on that and not on Edward and his white fitted button down, who was pulling out his chair and taking his place next to Tanya.

Carlisle sat at the head of the table, Esme to his right, then Alice, Rosalie, and me. To Carlisle's left, Jasper, Edward, and directly across from me, Tanya.

"Where's Emmett?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"He'll be here for dessert," Rose assured me.

"Everyone dig in," Esme nudged, obviously aware of the odd tension in the room, and the mechanical passing of dishes and bowls and spooning out of food onto plates began.

After taking a thousand nervous sips from my water glass I reached across the table for the pitcher at the same time Edward did, our knuckles lightly bumping. Stinging electricity peppered my skin and I pulled my hand away.

"Sorry, go ahead," he said softly. I could feel his eyes on my face but I refused to make contact. I had successfully tuned him out for the majority of the dinner by chewing Rosalie's ear off about her new line, her stores, her trip to Spain. I hadn't looked across the table at Edward or Tanya once and I wasn't about to now.

"No, you take it," I replied curtly, sitting back down with my dry mouth. Out of the corner of my eye I watched his arm snake its way towards me until it found my glass. Holding it by the stem he filled it with water and pushed it back before filling his own. It didn't escape my notice that he neglected to fill Tanya's.

"Thanks" I mumbled under my breath, staring at my half-empty plate.

"So, Bella, I hear you've sold your house in Phoenix." Carlisle's voice rang out from the head of the table.

Startled I sat up straight. "Yes, that's right. It's not finalized yet, but it will be soon."

"Does this mean you'll be moving back to Forks for good?" Esme asked. "So lovely if it's true."

"I don't think so, Mrs. Cullen. I've got some other things lined up out there. Some job prospects, and yknow, um, so-"

"Aw Mike Newton will be so disappointed," she laughed and immediately my face pinked. Why was she bringing up Mike? I hadn't spoken to him once since I'd gone back to Phoenix and in my few brief phone conversations with Maggie she said he was pretty much the same. Bossy and annoying.

"I stopped by the shop the other day to pick up some laces for my running shoes and he looked like a little boy lost in a department store without his mother. There were boxes piled sky high and he was pacing around them aimlessly with this frightened look on his face. Like there were dead bodies in them or something."

"Inventory," I said with a snort and then added to explain. "It must be time for him to do inventory. He gets like that, all hopeless and frantic and whiny during inventory season. It's not even a season. It's like a _day_ but he makes such a big deal out of it. It's really easy if he'd just take it one box at a time and focus, but noooo he gets all overwhelmed. I use to make fun of him all the time. He had me there to help last year and this year it's just him so that's probably why he's-" I stopped short when I realized how I was going on.

My eyes flicked over to Edward to find him staring back at me. The entire table was quiet. He clenched his fork in one hand and stabbed at a defenseless green bean. Tanya fidgeted uneasily and dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her cloth napkin.

"Anyway," I coughed. "He'll make it through."

"And what are your plans while you're in town, Tanya? ...This is Tanya's first visit to Forks," Carlisle explained. _Like I give a fuck,_ I thought to myself.

"Eddie's taking me to La Push beach tomorrow," she chirped "I've read so much about how beautiful it is."

_"How nice." "Oh yes how lovely." Oh my that's fun."_

I wanted to fucking puke.

The sound of Matthew fussing and whimpering sent me thankfully rushing out of the room with a small _Pardon me_ to the table.

He was still half asleep but obviously shaken by a dream. I knelt down and fixed his blankie that had become tangled around his chubby legs.

"Shshsh, there now, mommy's here, it's only a dream," I whispered into his hair. He yawned grumpily and I began to sing him his favorite song.

"_I love you truly, truly dear. Life with its sorrow, life with its tear-_"

"_Fades into dreams when I feel you are near -_"

The sound of Edward's voice pulled my eyes to the door to find him crossing the room in slow careful steps, his hands in his pockets, his head cocked to the side looking down on me and Matthew with what can only be described as adoration.

He continued to sing, crouching down now that he was at my side.

"_For I love you truly, truly dear_."

I opened my mouth to speak but he put a finger to his lips and pointed to Matthew who was just beginning to nod off.

"_A love tis something, to feel your kind hand_..." he sang, nudging his shoulder into mine to get me to join him.

"_Ah yes, tis something_, " I croaked. "_By your side to stand_."

"_Gone is the sorrow_."

"_Gone doubt and fear_."

"For you love me truly. Truly, dear." He spoke the last words and sat there with a playful smile on his lips. "It's true, yknow," he grinned mischieviously. "You do. You told me so."

I looked away. "Not now, Edward. Not here."

"Then where?"

I didn't answer.

"This isn't how I wanted to meet him."

"What do you mean?"

"I introduced myself before dinner while you were hiding behind the potted palm."

Shit. He'd seen. How humiliating.

"I'd much preferred _you_ to have done the honors," he sighed, lightly squeezing Matthew's little foot.

"Oh yeah? Well I'd much preferred _you_ to have not spring your girlfriend on me after I'd just poured my heart out to you, but we can't always get what we want." With that I leapt to my feet and left the room in a huff.

...

"Dinner was wonderful, Mrs. Cullen," Tanya said with that syrupy sweet voice of hers. I was making myself busy packing up Matthew's things in the other room. I don't know where Edward was and I didn't care.

That was a lie. Of course I cared. I cared too much, which is why we were leaving. Edward had this way of clouding my brain. No matter how certain I was of my feelings, of my stance on a subject or of a decision I've made, Edward could turn my brain into mush, make me forget everything I was saying or thinking or going to say or starting to think and suddenly I'm no longer angry or upset or hurt or scared or anything other than completely enraptured by him. It was quite a gift and he knew how to use it.

"Come on, buddy," I said, lifting Matthew out of his stroller and pressing him against my breasts. "Let's get you changed before we go home, ok? You've been so good tonight. Mommy loves you so much she can't stand it."

"Can I hold him?" came Edward's smooth voice at my back.

"Stop _doing_ that," I huffed, turning to face him. I swallowed thickly, an animalistic reaction to his nearness, the smell of him ripping through me.

"Doing what?"

"Showing up without warning like that."

"Should I have called before entering the room?" he chuckled, but his grin stalled once he realized what he'd said. "Anyway, um, so, can I?"

"He needs to be changed."

"If you don't want me to hold him you can just say so." He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to leave.

The truth was, the thought of seeing Edward with a baby in his arms, any baby let alone mine, was going to seriously put my willpower to the test. Bad enough he was standing in front of me looking like sex on a long, lean stick.

"I didn't mean it like that. Of course you can hold him." I placed my child in Edward's outstretched arms and held my breath. Matthew stared up at him inquisitively. Yes, baby, he really is that good looking.

Edward was silent for a moment, the gears turning in his head. I wished more than anything to know what he was thinking. And then he began to talk. Not baby talk, but to really talk to Matthew like a person.

"Hello Matthew. My name is Edward. It's so nice to finally meet you properly. I've been waiting for this day even though I feel like I know you already. See, I knew you before you were born. When you were the size of my thumb in your mommy's belly. And I watched you grow inside of her and make her belly big and her feet swell. And she was cranky alot of the time but most of the time she was simply beautiful. She glowed. Did you know that people could glow? Well she can. She still does, but don't tell her I said that. We spent alot of time together while you were in her belly. We'd go out for walks almost every day and get ice cream. She said it's what you wanted but I think she wanted it more. And when she got tired we'd come home and play music and we could feel you dancing inside her. We talked about you all the time. We were so excited for you to come out and be with us."

_Oh god why does he say such things_? I held my composure but I was dying inside.

"...She's a great lady, your mom. You're very lucky to have her. She's going to teach you so much, and you make sure you listen to her, ok?"

Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I listened to Edward talk to my son. I didn't wipe them away. I didn't blink. I didn't want to miss one second of the sight before me. He kissed the top of Matthew's head and Matthew reached out and grabbed him playfully by the collar, squealing with delight and kicking like crazy. Edward laughed and looked at me, his eyes dancing with joy.

"I think he likes me."

I nodded and sniffled. "He's a smart boy."

"Oh Bella, I'm sorry. Here, take him if it upsets you."

"It doesn't upset me. It makes me happy to see you with him. You're good with him. And you're right. You were there through it all. You've been a part of his life from the beginning."

Edward's brow ceased and there was intense emotion playing behind his eyes. He moved to say something but stopped as the door opened and Tanya poked her head in. She frowned at first and then smiled brightly.

"Emmett's here. ...We're going for a swim later. You said you'd come. ...Bella, you can come too if you want. The pool's heated, I checked."

"No thanks. I've got to get Mathew home," I answered curtly. I felt bad being so short with her; she'd done nothing wrong. But I couldn't help it. Right now she was the enemy. I scooped Matthew out of Edward's arms and buckled him into his stroller. Everything else was packed up and ready to go.

"See ya," I said swiftly, pushing past them both. I'd say my goodbyes to Carlisle and Esme later. I had no idea where everyone had scattered to and I had no intention of looking. I wanted out of this house now. I pushed the stroller as fast as I could and opened the front door, ignoring the sound of footsteps behind me.

_Just need to get down the steps and to the truck._

"Bella."

_Steps. _

"Bella, stop."

_Truck._

"Bella, wait!"

Faster footsteps were hitting the steps and coming up behind me.

"Would you just wait a minute, please!"

I had Matthew up and in the car seat in record time. I was getting good at this mothering shit. I hustled around to the driver's side and opened the door only to have it wrenched from my fingertips and shoved shut with a bang.

"I'm not letting you go without a fight!" Edward snarled, his face inches from mine. Panting breaths through his nostrils. His anger scared me, but it excited me more.

"Now listen to me, dammit. It's not what you think."

"It's not, huh?" I snapped right back, standing fast and holding my ground even though he was a head taller than me and quite intimidating when he was pissed. Also sexy, btw.

"She practically_ peed_ on you in there, Edward! _God_! How could I have been so _stupid_! I should have known! For a second I actually thought that we - but forget it! Your father must be on cloud nine. He's always wanted the two of you together. Hated the thought of you ending up with someone like me!"

"_Bell_, don't -"

"Don't call me _Bell_. You don't get to call me that anymore. That was for private moments when it was just you and me, when I thought we were - "

"When you thought we were what? _Together_? We were never together, Bella. Not the way I wanted us to be."

"Leave me alone. I wish I never came here. What was I thinking?"

"You said you loved me." He put his arms on either side of my head, caging me against the car door. Pushing me, overpowering me. My chest rose and fell as my heart pounded painfully against my ribs.

"Did you mean it?" he demanded softly.

"I never would have said it if I didn't. But that's not the point."

"You love me Bella."

"Big deal. It doesn't matter." I looked away through the small sliver of space to my left where he wasn't. "...Why are you with her?"

"Why are you with Mike_ fucking Newton_?"

"Are you out of your fucking mind!" I laughed, clamping my hands around his wrists to try and pull him away. "What does Mike Newton have to do with any of this?"

"Everybody knows he wants you."

"Well I don't want him! And even if I did - - " I struggled against his weight but he wouldn't budge. The corner of his mouth curled up in a devious smirk as he watched my hands press against his chest in an unsuccessful attempt to move him. "Why am I explaining any of this to you? I'm leaving."

"Who do you want?"

"Don't turn this around on me! This has nothing to do with me and Mike – I can't believe you're even jealous about something that doesn't exist."

"That makes two of us. Now will you shut that stubborn sexy mouth of yours and listen? Me and Tanya are not back together."

I stopped pushing but didn't move my hands from his chest. In fact, it wasn't until that very moment that I realized I was touching his chest. I could feel his heart and it was pounding just as hard as mine. _Harder_. My cheeks flamed.

"You're not?"

"No. We're not."

"You're not...sleeping with her?"

"Sleeping with her?" he laughed and the laugh vibrated in the muscles under his shirt under my hands. "I haven't been with a woman in six months."

I chewed absentmindedly on the inside of my bottom lip and thought for a moment. "Sooo that means..." There's no way it was true. It had been so long since - and he's, well he's Edward. Women have _eyes_. Men have _needs_. No fucking way.

Edward leaned close and whispered into my ear. "That's right, crazy girl. No one since you."

"Then why did you bring her here?"

Edward pushed off the door and turned from me. He raked his hands thorugh his hair and was still for a moment before turning back. His face was grim from where his mind had just gone and I had a sinking feeling at what he was going to say next.

"I didn't want to get into it like this but - - alright. You deserve an explanation from the source, not one that's second or third hand or what you read in the papers-"

"I haven't heard anything," I assured him. "Even what Alice and your dad told me, it was so vague. No one would give me any details."

"It's better that way, Bella. You shouldn't have to hear this shit."

"I want to know what happened. Please."

He leaned against the door of my truck, our shoulders touching. We both looked up at the stars and I waited. Eventually his words came, slow at first and dripping with emotion.

"That night...after I got the call...I came home and the apartment was trashed. I called for her. I knew immediately that it was bad. When she finally opened the bathroom door...when I saw her like that, all _beaten_ and _bruised_..." His eyes shut tight and he clenched his fists to his sides. Blood colored his cheeks and I could see his chest rise and fall as he took a few deep breaths before continuing.

"The past didn't matter. What we once were, our relationship or whatever - it didn't matter. In that moment I knew I would do anything for her - to help her - and to make him pay. Because she could have been my fucking_ sister_. ...she could have been you. Those days, Bella, and those weeks and months that followed - all the lawyers and court dates and crying...I was so scared all the fucking time. We both were. Every day, it's all we were allowed to think about. It's all we had. We weren't allowed to talk to anyone about the case and let's just say that her family was less than supportive. Dr. Denali didn't want the scandal tarnishing his reputation so he put as much distance between himself and his daughter as possible. My dad paid for her lawyers.

"During the trial they brought up my past, some bar fights I'd gotten into, trouble I caused when I was young and stupid. They said I had violent tendencies, a violent past. That Tanya lived in an abusive household with me and that Jenks was the one trying to free her when I lost control. Meanwhile it was the two of _us_ holed up in the apartment together for days on end, not able to go outside because of the reporters."

"Jesus," I exhaled, pressing my hand to my forehead.

"I'm sorry for telling you this way. It's not the way I wanted to tell you. But you wanna know something? All that time, during all that craziness, those endless days at the courthouse under my father's disappointed stare, those grueling meetings with lawyers, recounting the gory details over and over - it was _you_ that kept me going. _Your_ face that I kept seeing before my eyes. I knew you'd want me to do the right thing. You'd want me to fight. Bella, please believe me. Bringing her here meant nothing more than not wanting to leave her in the apartment alone. She's gotten attached to me."

"Attached?"

"Post traumatic stress. She wouldn't go into the bathroom for weeks. We had to have a therapist come to the apartment and slowly help reintroduce her to it, sometimes she would only last thirty seconds inside. But now she's fine. She still has nightmares though. They're not as bad as they were in the beginning but she's still a bit clingy."

"Oh."

_Clingy?_ What the fuck did that mean? Clingy like how? Edward must have read my mind, or the expression on my knitted brow,and elaborated.

"Sometimes it can work the opposite way. Like when the victim wants nothing to do with any one or any thing associated with the traumatic event. They can go into seclusion and refuse to speak or eat. But in Tanya's case, since I was the who found her and the only one she could count on through it all, they said she's built up this attachment to me."

"I see."

"It's not what you're thinking. It's not romantic, Bella. It's almost childlike, her need to have me around."

"Ah."

"Would you stop with the one word answers! You're killing me here."

"I'm sorry, I, I just don't know what to say. I'm just a little shocked by it all. It sounds horrible, Edward, and I feel for Tanya, I really do. But...I still don't understand where that leaves_ us_."

And his arms were around me before I could say any more. I was enveloped in him, wrapped up in his scent and the softness of his embrace mixed with the hardness of his body, his lips pressing warm kisses to the top of my head, he inhaled with each kiss and held his breath and hummed.

"God I love you so much," he whispered against my temple. I was shaking even though I was warm. "I'm the same person that left Forks last year. I'm coming back to you the same man, who still means every word he's ever said. Nothing and no one has changed that. It's up to you to decide if you can trust me again."

It was true. He felt the same, he smelt the same, god I wondered if he tasted the same. Looked the same naked.

"I want to." And I really did. But I'd be lying if I said this Tanya stuff didn't put a huge question mark after everything. How was he ever going to be free from her without breaking her?

"Let me take you out tomorrow. Dinner? Or I can come over with take-out and we can eat on the living room floor like we used to. I'd really like to spend more time with Matthew too." He brushed my hair from my forehead and replaced the strands with his lips, feathery kisses and I heard an embarrassing moan gurgle in my throat.

"That sounds like a yes," he chuckled.

"Yes it's a yes, smart ass. ...Oh, wait...aren't you going to La Push tomorrow? With-"

I had forgotten what Edward's mouth felt against mine even though I'd spent countless nights dreaming of those lips, that tongue. And there it was. On mine. Dreams were nothing compared to the reality of his soft moist kisses and the way they turn instantly desperate as soon as he's had a taste. Our tongues delved into each others mouths and melted together with our moans and grunts turning nips into bites as our teeth clashed and we couldn't pull ourselves close enough. He'd never be close enough until he was inside me again. It didn't take long before I felt his erection digging into my hip. He pushed me roughly against the car door with a thud and attacked me with hands and lips and the length of his entire body covering mine. My hands were lost in his hair and then groped down his back and up his sides, kneading the muscle and sculpture of his flesh. God I wanted him. I wanted him to pull my pants down, whip his dick out and fuck me on the hood of my car.

"Edward, we have to stop. My son is in the backseat," I gasped.

I felt them before I heard him - the little vibrations of his laughter against my tingling skin.

"Oh god I feel like a dirty old man," he mumbled into my neck.

"Don't. It's good that he's here. Who knows how far out of hand this could have gotten."

"Bellaaa," he groaned, pushing his erection against my thigh. "I don't want to stop. Fuck I want you so bad. I've _wanted_, and you're here, and-"

"I know I know, me too. Believe me, me too." I took his hand and placed it over the mound between my legs so he could feel the moisture seeping through.

"That's not helping," he growled. "Tomorrow."

"But what about-?"

"_Tomorrow_." He palmed his crotch and adjusted his hard on. "God damn it. Ok I gotta go take care of this. _ Alone_, don't worry."

"Can you wait til I get home? Maybe we can take care of it together? Like, over the phone?" I licked my lips and Edward's eyes went wide. He wrenched the car door open and lifted me inside. I was buckled before I knew it and the engine roared to life.

"Drive safely," he ordered over the rumble of the truck. Then he grabbed his dick and winced. "But, fuck, please hurry." He laughed and blew me a kiss. I blew one back, adjusted the mirror so I could see my son and stepped on the gas.


	32. I've been waiting on my own, too long

**EPOV**

Her clawing kitten mewls still vibrated in my ear. I lay sprawled out on my back, my fingers shaking as I zipped up my pants. My heart thumped wildly in my chest. Zoning out I stared at the ceiling of my room with a shit-eating grin splashed across my face.

_Phone sex with Bella. Second only to real sex with Bella as one of my two favorite things in life._

I could have stayed on the phone with her forever. Or at least all night. Like we used to do. Talking about nothing and laughing about everything and arguing and waking up in the morning with our phones on our chests and I'd put the receiver to my ear to check if she was still there and I'd smile and listen to her sleep.

I loved her then. She was my best friend. A mother-to-be and she was my best friend in the entire fucking world. Was that funny? I'd never had such a friend before. Never had one since. Never will again. And I wanted her back.

I loved her still. Even more if that was possible.

Tonight - the moment I saw her standing in the sunroom - there was never any doubt that my feelings for her hadn't changed in the slightest. She looked the same. Only better. Stunning. She stopped my heart. Even the few tired lines around her eyes and the angular look to her once plump features added to her unique beauty.

And she still trembled at the sight of me. She tried to hide it by wringing her hands or biting her bottom lip but that only made it more obvious. There was no denying that she was unable to control her body's reaction to my presence.

I wanted us to do it right this time. No more fucking around with labels and definitions. I nearly said that to her tonight as we hung up, but she was so tired, so sated, as was I and I wanted to hang up on that high note. But it would come up again. It had to, because I was going to get her back. She'd be mine again, the way I always wanted.

I descended the staircase fully satisifed (well, as satisfied as I could be using my hand as a substitution for Bella's body) to find my mother standing at the bottom looking up at me. I wondered if I was wearing what happened only moments ago across my flushed cheeks or down the front of my pants.

"Tanya's at the pool with Emmett and Rosalie," she informed me. "She's waiting for you."

"Oh ok. Thanks," I said quickly, brushing by her without making eye contact.

Tanya's bags and mine were piled up in the entranceway where I'd left them earlier.

"Have sleeping arrangements been discussed?" Concern creased her face and I knew what was coming.

"She'll sleep in one of the spare rooms," I answered nonchalantly, beginning to gather up as many bags as I could carry in the hopes of avoiding where this was heading.

"And she'll be alright with that?"

"Why wouldn't she?"

"Edward." She crossed her arms and gave me that look: _Don't bullshit a bullshitter_.

"We don't share a bed at home, mother. She sleeps in her room, I sleep in mine. There's no reason for that to change now that we're here."

It was the truth. Tanya and I were not sleeping together in any sense of the word. Those days were long gone. I had, however, been_ helping_ her to sleep.

"What about her nightmares?"

Christ, she's relentless. They don't call her Prosecuting Attorney Cullen for nothing. She would have loved to represent me at the trial and bury Jenks' team six feet under if it hadn't been considered a conflict of interests.

"They're gone...for the most part."

Also true, but not entirely. In the beginning, the early days after the attack, I was woken at least once a night by bloodcurdling screams coming from the other side of the apartment. At first I thought he had come back, found his way inside and was killing her. I would dart to her room as quickly as I could to find her thrashing in bed or curled up in a ball and crying.

_I had a bad dream. It was nothing, Edward._

But it wasn't. It was all too real. Since none of the attack had taken place in her bedroom it was deemed suitable for her to remain there. She felt safe there, she said. The problems arose when it came time for her to use the bathroom, to perform her daily routines and especially at night. She had wet the bed several times before I insisted that she wake me when she had to go. And she did. She'd call out for me and I'd go get her and escort her to my bathroom. She'd hang on me and I'd hold her. I'd stand out in the hall half-asleep and wait for her to finish. Then I'd walk her back to her room and wait for her to fall back to sleep. Then I'd return to my room and toss and turn. And I did this again and again. And she cried every time.

_I'm so sorry, Edward. I tried to hold it. I tried to go in there, but I can't, I just can't._

Her apologies only caused the anger to swell inside me. _Look what we'd become! A grown woman reduced to infantile behavior because of the actions of a beast_! I raged inside. But outwardly I was calm and soft-spoken. It was alright. Everything was going to be alright.

"You're a good man, Edward," my mother said sincerely, resting her hand on my forearm. "I'm immensely proud of how you handled yourself and I can't begin to understand what you both went through. ...Which is why I am concerned that Tanya might be more dependent on you than you realize."

"It's not like it was. She doesn't have any problem sleeping now."

Again, not entirely true. She was accustomed to me. Not reliant. Merely...used to. Used to the routine we'd put in place. A routine that made her feel secure. It was simple, I explained. Harmless.

"When she's ready to go to bed, she lets me know and I stay with her until she falls asleep. I just sit there. I lay next to her on top of the covers and read or something. It's no big deal. Then when she's asleep I get up and leave. No nightmares."

"And you're alright with this?"

"It's temporary. It's the least I can do," I shrugged.

She was quiet for a moment, mulling it over and then - "You've gone above and beyond the call of duty, sweetheart. She needs to learn to function independently of you or anyone else. This is a very dangerous line you are treading. She was in love with you once. Deeply. And unless you intend on rekindling your former relationship-"

"The only _relationship_ I want to rekindle is the one between me and _Bella_. I'm in love with _Bella," _I said sternly, trying to keep my voice from echoing around us_. "_I let go of her once and I'm not doing it again."

"And how do you plan on explaining to Bella that you need to tuck Tanya in at night? She already has one child of her own."

"What would you have me do?" My voice rose dangerously high, bouncing off the wide walls and high ceilings, but I couldn't help it. My mother had this way of infuriating me with her own brand of tough love. It was the source of most, if not all, of our fights throughout my childhood.

"Just _abandon_ Tanya? Because she's_ inconvenient_?" I spat. "That's cruel even for you."

It was cutting. Below the belt. But she didn't flinch. She threw down her ace.

"Have you told either of them about Seattle?"

My gaze dropped to the floor and heat colored my face. When I gathered the nerve to look at her again, I was faced with her tiny frown but no more advice. Instead of lecturing she wrapped her arms around my neck and, on her tippy-toes, gave me a big hug.

"That's what I thought. Be careful, Edward."

...

Emmett held Rosalie in the air, against her will it appeared, and was attempting to balance her feet on his shoulders with little success. Tanya sat on the edge of the pool with her legs dangling in the water watching the melee ensue.

"I swear to fucking God, Emmett, if you drop me in this water and mess up my hair I will tie your balls to your toes!" Rose screeched, clutching to him like a koala.

"Well if you don't pry your dagger nails out of my eyes I'm going to have no choice," Em yelped. "Calm down, mama. You know I'd never let anything happen to you."

"Hey," I interrupted with a cough. Emmett slid Rose effortlessly from his shoulders and back into the water where he held her protectively in his arms.

"What's up bro?" he said with a grin. "The water's great. So's the view." He waggled his eyebrows at my sister's chest spilling out of her bikini top.

"I think I'll pass on checking out my sister's tits, thank you very much."

"Eddie! Where have you been?" Tanya's shrill voice filled the air and she leapt to her feet. "And why aren't you in your bathing suit?"

"Oh. Right." I was still wearing my clothes from dinner. "I'm not really in the mood to swim right now. I'll just sit here while you guys-"

"Is everything ok?" she asked, slapping towards me.

"Yeah, I'm just tired from the flight that's all."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." I moved toward the deck chair. She followed me step for step.

"You suuuuure? I know you, Eddie. I can tell when something's wrong."

Emmett and Rose stared at me over Tanya's shoulder. I could see Rose mouthing, _What the fuck?_, in my direction. Did I really look that bad? I must. It looked like it was time to address the situation head on. I ran my fingers through my hair and spoke low.

"Look, Tanya, uh...Let's go somewhere and talk."

**BPOV**

Edward's way with words had not diminished in the slightest. What should have sounded depraved or perverted he made sound velvety and erotic. The low vibrations in his throat, the way he annunciated the right syllables. He made me believe he was really doing to himself what he said he was doing, I know I was. I was touching myself and imagining it was him. When I told him I was coming it's because I really was and when he said he was too I believed him because no man could sound that beautiful when they climaxed, no one except Edward. They were the same sounds I remembered, his own private symphony and they made me unravel a second time.

"_Bella? Did you just come again?"_

"_Yes," I giggled._

"_From what?"_

"_From hearing you come. It's sexy, what can I say."_

_He laughed gruffly and I could hear him rustling with something. Maybe tissues. He let out a shaky sigh. "I want to do it for real next time."_

"_It felt pretty real to me. My fingers are soaked."_

"_Oh god. Please don't say things like that. It makes me hard."_

"_Don't say things like THAT! I'll never get to sleep if you say things like that, and I have a six month old that'll be up in three hours."_

"_I want to see you tomorrow. You and Matthew. I want to spend the day just the three of us. Like old times."_

He was going to pack a picnic. He was going to take care of everything. I was looking forward to it more than I cared to admit.

And then Alice called bright and early the next morning.

"Do you want mimosas or sangria?"

"Alice, it's seven a.m. I want Matthew to stop fussing and take his bottle, that's what I want."

Cradling the phone in my neck, I tested the temp of the milk one more time while Matthew sat in his high chair and laughed at me. I groaned when it was still too cold, realizing the stove was on the wrong setting the entire time.

That's the last time I stay up jerking off all night. I snorted.

"What's so funny?" Alice asked.

"Nothing."

"And another thing, why'd you leave last night without saying goodbye? Rudey Rude-pants. Well you can explain all of it to me at brunch."

_Fuuuuuuuck._

Brunch.

Not just any brunch. Alice's engagement brunch. I'd been so busy ignoring Edward at the dinner table last night that I'd agreed to spend the day with Rosalie and Alice in Port Angeles without realizing it. Brunch, shopping, mani/pedis, dinner, then drinks. We had a full schedule and it began in two hours. The list of things I needed to get done swam in front of me as I placed the bottle into Matthew's grabby arms.

"Ok, um let me finish getting ready and, um, yeah ok I'll see you at...?"

"Eleven. Rose will be over to pick you up at eleven. And then we're getting ready at my place. Remember?"

"Yeah yeah of course."

"Bring a change of clothes for dinner and a sexy thong for the fitting."

"The fitting...?"

Fucking what? I don't remember agreeing to a fitting.

"Rosalie's new designs? Remember? I told you she had you in mind while she was working on her latest collection. You wore her other stuff so beautifully, you really inspired her. She's got a shit ton of stuff for you to try on. Maybe you can wear a piece or two to the bar."

"Right...perfect...I love her stuff..."

"Bella? You're sounding frantic."

"No no I'm fine I'm fine, I just gotta do a few things and..." I stumbled around the kitchen trying to shut everything off and put breakfast away without burning the house down.

"Ok well. Give Matthew a kissy face for me. Love him. Love you."

"Love you too. Ok sooo, see ya soon, bye."

Project 'Get My Shit in Gear Before My BFF Kills Me' was now in full effect overdrive. First thing first: babysitter. I quickly dialed Maggie's number to find out if she could watch Matthew. Thankfully she had the day off from Newton's and would be available all day. Check.

Next: canceling on Edward. My heart hurt at the thought of backing out of our plans but chicks before dicks and all that. Bailing on Alice and Rosalie was not an option. And now with the harsh light of day reflecting on the memories from last night, I wondered if maybe I should have behaved differently. Not given in so easily to my body's natural reaction to him. Maybe not have gone_ right_ for the phone sex. Uggh I rubbed my temples and dialed.

He sounded tired, like his night hadn't ended after we'd hung up. Like maybe he hadn't gone to sleep at all. His voice was low, guarded, and when I told him that I couldn't see him he seemed...really sad. Pitiful even. Like I'd just taken away his new puppy. I wanted to ask him if everything was alright but I didn't have time. I promised that we would reschedule and if not I would definitely see him on his birthday. That didn't seem to cheer him up.

"Fuck, Bella I miss you so much."

"I miss you too."

"It hurts."

"I know. It hurts me too."

"I'm sick of it."

"So am I. It won't be much -"

"I love you Bella."

"I know, Edward. I know and, I love you too."

...

"He sounded really depressed," I said, taking another bite of the most delicious caesar salad in the history of salads. The fresh breeze lapped at the gauzy curtain of our table by the window.

"Maybe he came too soon," Alice snorted, sipping her red wine sangria.

"Shut up. I never should have told you."

"Oh please like I wouldn't have guessed."

"Guessed what?" Rosalie asked, returning from the ladies room. Before I could answer she had the full attention of the cute waiter. "We'll have another round. Of everything." She indicated to the bread and cheese and wine and champagne and salads that littered our table.

"Ok, that's done. Guessed what?" she repeated, resting her elbows on the table.

"That as soon as Bella got home last night she and Edward had disgusting, filthy phone sex."

"Alice! Jesus!" I hid my face in my hands and kicked her under the table.

"Well? Was it?" Rose prodded.

I nodded sheepishly. "It was pretty fucked up."

"Awesome."

"Yeah but when I talked to him this morning he was acting super strange. Distant. He told me he missed me and that he loved me, but I dunno. Something was off."

The table fell quiet. Alice chugged a mimosa in three gulps and Rose shoved a block of cheese in her mouth.

"What? ...You guys! ...What is it?" I gripped the table and glared at them wide-eyed.

"Musta been the talk," Rose mumbled, looking at Alice who smiled weakly.

"Probably. But I'd already left with Jasper."

"They didn't come back to the pool."

"Are you two kidding me?" I screeched. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Rose sighed deeply and took the lead.

"My brother came down to the pool last night. Me, Em, and Tanya were waiting for him. He stayed for a few minutes and then left with Tanya. Em and I waited for them to come back but they never did. And we didn't see either of them this morning. They didn't come down for breakfast."

My heart beat twice, then stopped, then started again. "How did he look? Before he left?"

"Not like someone who'd just had fucked up phone sex," Rose said. "Sorry sweetie."

"I'm sure it's nothing," Alice cut in.

"Of course it's nothing." Rose smiled and took my hand. "It's nothing."

...

"Did he finish the whole bottle? …Ok good. And he burped? ...Aww. Ok. He can go without a bath tonight unless...oh you did...and he's...oh...ok. Well. ...Uh huh. No no that's fine, that's great. Um, shit, well thanks again, Mags, for watching him. I'm sorry if he's fussy...oh...he went down already? ...Huh. You don't say. Ok, I'll see you around ten then-"

"Bella, ew," Alice rolled her eyes in disgust. "We're not even getting to the bar til ten-thirty." She stuck out her tongue and I gave her the 'just a minute' finger.

"Oh you brought stuff to stay over? ...No of course you can, I just didn't want...I _am _going to have a good time. ...Maggie, I'm not worried, I just...ok...give him a kiss for me. Ok. See ya."

I hung up my phone and flung it into my purse with a heavy sigh.

"I should not be doing this."

"What-ever," Alice groaned, rolling her fishnet stockings up her leg.. "Spare me the 'oh I shouldn't be doing this' shit. You pulled that enough when you were pregnant. You're allowed to have fun, Bella. Leaving your son with a babysitter does not make you a bad parent. Becoming bitter and resentful and a fucking shut-in IS. Now get dressed!"

"And it's just dinner and drinks," Rose added, pinning her bangs to the side of her head in a silvery jeweled barrette. "It's not like we're going to a thumpa-thumpa club or anything." She pulled a few items off a hanger and tossed them at me. We were currently at Alice and Jasper's place getting ready for the final leg of the _A&J Are Getting Married and It's A Girl's Night Out Extravaganza_! Rosalie made the title up but she'd been right. It had been a whirlwind so far. I was determined not to let the discussion at brunch mar Alice's special day. There had to be a reasonable explanation why Edward and Tanya went MIA last night and why Edward was acting all weird this morning. Old Me would have instantly retreated back into myself all self-preservation style and put up an 'I don't care, it doesn't bother me, he's just an asshole like all the rest' attitude. New Bella loved Edward and she wasn't going to let her insecurities keep pushing him away.

"Here, hot stuff, try these on." Three very skimpy articles of clothing landed on my lap followed by more and more; bottoms, tanks, mini's, jeggings. Alice brought out several pairs of shoes, the bottoms all stamped with the signature_ La Dame de Fer_ emblem. Rose mixed and matched and I stood and let her adjust straps on my shoulders and stick pins in the hemlines, raising them, lowering them. This collection was more subdued than her others and I wondered if that's where I fit in.

"Did you send Edward your sketches for these?" I asked.

"Always do," Rose answered as best she could with three safety pins in her mouth. "Brother knows best. Especially when it comes to you."

"_Bella would never wear that_," Alice mimicked.

I giggled at her impression of Edward. "He said that?"

"Before I took the sequins off this blouse." Ro indicated to the backless halter I was currently wearing. "He said it was too loud, that you'd think you were trying to hard. So I replaced it with this bow." She poked at the back of my neck where she's tied the fabric. "Sent it back to him and he sent it back with a smiley. _Much better_."

I stared at my reflection in the floor length mirror. I looked incredible in Rose's clothes. And to think, Edward had seen every piece.

"He was right."

Rose smiled and kept pinning. "What did I tell you? I know my brother."

That she did. And he knew me.

...

"Bella's ass looks sexier than mine. Isn't it a little chilly for hot pants?" Alice whined as we stepped out of Rosalie's red BMW. The night air had turned brisk and a light wind moved my hair across my back, but I didn't mind. I felt like a million bucks in Rosalie's designs. Especially this off the shoulder Flashdance-striped shirt that fell right above the mounds of my tits. I bet Edward came in his pants when he saw the sketch.

"Aww your dress is gawjus, Al. Fine then, my next collection will have hot pants with built in butt pads just for you," Rose teased. The three of us linked arms with Alice in the middle and sashayed our fine asses up the walkway and into C'Est Si Bon.

"Jazzy would shit a brick if he knew we were here. He's dying to get back to France. The cuisine gives him quite the glorious boner and this place is as close to Paris as you can get in the Pacific Northwest."

"Hmm, then I should admit that your fiance has already perused the menu and, using his big culinary brain, has taken the pressure off - allowing us to concentrate of drinking numerous glasses of wine - by picking out the most best dishes and calling in our order which will be served the moment we sit down."

Rose smiled with self-confidence as we were led to out table. Alice and I followed in awe.

"You're welcome," she said, putting her napkin across her fishnet clad lap. The mico-minidress she was wearing was definitely illegal in several states.

Each of us had a huge glass of red waiting for us. Rose raised her glass and spoke, and for the first time I saw the resemblance she had to Edward. She and Jasper were so alike, so almost identical in their fraternal appearance, that Edward seemed like a separate being of distant relation. But watching Rosalie holding out her glass and speaking from her heart I saw Edward in her eyes. I saw the love that shone in them when they spoke the truth.

"Here's to an epic day with two of the coolest chicks I have the pleasure of calling my friends. The mani/pedi's rocked. We look hot as fuck in my new kick-ass collection - coming soon to a Design's by Rose store near you - and we are about to dine on lovely French things that I'm still learning how to pronounce before getting properly shit-faced at a raunchy bar. Most importantly, we are here to celebrate Alice, who is getting married to my twin brother." She raised her glass high. There were tears in her eyes. "Jasper is one lucky fuck. And so am I, because you, Alice Brandon, are going to be a part of my family."

We clinked our glasses. Alice squeaked and cried. Rose and I laughed. We ate and drank and left the restaurant singing.

...

"I don't like beer," Alice hiccuped. She slurred and stumbled, hanging on to us both.

Bar N9NE was PACKED. Super packed. Packed to the gills with a line out the door twenty deep.

Yet Rosalie managed to get us in without waiting. Something she whispered to the bouncer. Something she slipped into his pocket, although I think it was just her hand. Whatever. It worked. We were in. And it was fucking LOUD.

"You don't have to get beer, babe. They have a full bar," I yelled over the music.

"Oooh _and_ a dance floor!" Alice perked up and pointed to the massive throng of undulating bodies packed in the center of the bar. The poster taped to the window gave the name of the band playing your favorite cover tunes til 2am.

"They're good," Rose said, chugging on a bottle of Amstel. "My brother can sing better though."

It was a harmless comment but it stung. I gripped my gin and tonic with both hands. "Let's find a table."

...

Alice emerged from the crowd sucking down yet another unnamed alcoholic beverage. "Stop sitting and dance with me!"

She was relentless. I'd just spent the last half-hour doing The Creep on repeat. The band was on break and the DJ was insane. I was hardly wearing any clothes but still I was sweating my fine ass off. My feet were killing me in Rose's blood red stilettos.

"How many is that, Al?" I asked, nodding to her near-empty drink.

"No worries. Rose put her card down. Tab! Come on, let's daaaaance!" She skipped away and disappeared into the masses.

"We gotta get her out of here," Rose said, sitting down beside me with a full Cosmo. "She's waaaasted. Plus Emmett just texted me and I'm horny as fuck so we gots ta goo."

"She's having fun. We can't leave her." I slipped my phone out of my bag and checked the screen. No missed calls. Not one text. What the fuck.

"I'm sure he's fine, sweetie."

"Huh?"

Rose leaned closer. "Matthew. He's sleeping his little baby head off right now. Don't worry."

"Oh. I wasn't. I was..."

"Fuck Edward" she snarled. "If he wants to fucking hold Tanya's hand for the rest of her life just cuz her psycho boyfriend tried to chop her head off then fuck him. He doesn't know what he's missing cuz honey you are way sexier than her."

"Rosalie!" I half-snorted. "You are horrible!" I held my hand over my mouth but kept laughing.

"Sorry but it's true!" she laughed. Drunk Rosalie was the best. "You should have seen the bikini she was prancing around in last night. Talk about horrible. There's no way Edward got it on with her. ...Let's get another drink, shall we? I'm rich, bitch!"

The night turned into a blur of booze and dancing and more booze and shots and trips to the bar after dancing and it was just like we planned. The best end of the night to the best day spent with the best girls everrr and shiiiit I was drunnnnk.

"Uuuugh this material is NOT sweat-absorbent," Rose wailed, pulling at her dress and checking her texts for the millionth time. "Damn, Emmett is a PIG when he's horny. What time is it?" She checked her Patek. "Fuck, it's almost two. This place is gonna close. Lemme take care of the tab." She pushed through the crowd towards the bar.

"Let me help you, Ro." I fished my wallet out of my bag.

"No fucking way, babe. Put that thing away." She pushed my hand away and motioned for the bartender to bring her the bill.

"It's been taken care of, " he said disinterestedly.

"Huh?"

"_Your drinks have been paid for_." He pushed her card back and began pouring a beer for another customer.

"Paid for by whom?"

"That guy at the end of the bar."

My breath hitched in my throat. Rose vanished from my field of vision and sound disappeared. All that remained was the length of the bar in front of me and the gorgeous man sitting at the end of it.

* * *

**Yeeeah so I know I was supposed to have wrapped this story up in this chapter but I ramble. And ramble. And I'm trying to get chapters up faster. So it might take a few more. Thanks for reading :)**


	33. This year's love

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight**

* * *

This years love had better last  
Heaven knows it's high time  
I've been waiting on my own, too long  
When you hold me like you do  
It feels so right, oh now  
Start to forget how my heart gets torn  
When that hurt gets thrown  
Feelin' like I can't go on.

Turnin' circles time again  
Cut like a knife, oh now  
If you love me got to know for sure  
Cuz' it takes something more this time  
Then sweet, sweet lies, oh now  
Before I open up my arms and fall losing all control  
Every dream inside my soul  
When you kiss me on that midnight street  
Sweep me off my feet  
Singin' ain't this life so sweet?

- David Gray

**BPOV**

My feet found the floor as my eyes remained tied to his. I balanced my hand on the edge of the bar and made my way towards him. He didn't get up or move to meet me. He only sat there, waiting, watching me approach.

Eventually, and I don't know how long it took, my knees hit the legs of his stool, telling me I'd reached my destination, stopping me from crawling directly into his lap. I swallowed a drunken giggle and attempted to compose myself. His eyes were wild, feral, and all over me.

"You are the devil's plaything," he growled, setting his beer down and inching closer. I drank in the overwhemling sight of him. Sex in mussed hair and scruffy stubble. Ragged style in fitted black jeans and a worn leather jacket.

I leaned forward and pressed my arms together. _That's right, take a look at the girls._

I spoke slowly, part buzzed and partially because I wanted him to pay attention to the movement of my lips and tongue.

"I was told that the gentleman at the end of the bar has taken care of our tab. I'll have you know that I can pay for my own drinks." I took a deep breath and held it, puffing out my ample chest.

His eyes went wide as if in response to a dare. He raised his eyebrows and inched even closer, balancing the stool on two legs.

"Is that so?" He licked his lips in defiance. "Well I'll have you know I'm no gentleman."

"Ha! I beg to differ. I have first hand knowledge that the man can, in fact, be very gentle when he wants to be."

He paused and sat back, raking his eyes over me a tenth, twelfth time. "The way you look right now, being gentle is the last thing that comes to mind when..."

"When what?"

"You know exactly when what, Isabella."

"I like it when you use my full name."

"I like to think I'm well skilled in what you like."

The alcohol coursing through my veins didn't allow for witty comebacks. Words raced through my brain with no pairing, no destination. What was he doing here? Why had he come? Did he honestly expect me to ditch my friends and leave with him? _The nerve! _ But maybe that's not why he was here. But why else would he have come? _ To take me away? To get lucky?_ Yeah right! What about Tanya? _Where was she?_ Oh my god was she here? _I'll kill him if he brought her here!_ Wait, why would I kill him? _Just because! _ Yeah! He had some explaining to do. But how was I going to get all these damn words out of my mouth in the order I wanted to say them? And why did he have to look so fucking fantastic all of the time? _It doesn't matter. There are too many questions. Too many things left to say._

This was not the time or place. This is how mistakes were made. Drunk was the never the right time to address sensitive topics. The sentences would have to be short. To the point.

"We were just leaving. Rosalie can give you a ride."

"Hmm, I don't think so. Plans have changed."

"What?"

"Rosalie isn't driving anywhere in her condition. I'm taking you home."

"I don't think so. We're staying over Alice's."

"I don't think so."

"Excuse me? This is Alice's girls night out! Just because you decided to grace us with your-"

He pressed his index finger against my lips. He wasn't trying to be erotic. He was trying to shut me up. I inhaled and tasted the beer and nicotine on his skin.

"Bella. It's 2am. The night has come to an end and I have a feeling it's ending exactly the way Alice wants it to."

"How the hell would you know?"

He whirled his fingers around, motioning for me to turn and look behind me.

On the dance floor surrounded by the crowd were Jasper's trademark blonde curls. His back was to me but there was no mistaking it – there were fingers weaving through those curls. Fingers attached to small hands that were not his. Gyrating to the beat, Jasper's body swayed from side to side until the owner of those fingers came into view.

_Alice._ It was greedy Alice, with a sloppy horn-dog smile on her face.

I turned to Edward. His grin was a mile wide. "Told ya."

"Rose," I began. She needed to know that Jasper and Edward had crashed the party. A recognizance mission was an order. My eyes skimmed the bar in desperation.

_Where is she? She'll fix this._

Edward pointed to the door. I squinted in the darkness and glare of the window behind her but it wasn't hard to notice the unmistakable hulk of a man with cherubic dimples that currently had his hands all over my friend Rosalie's ass.

"This is unreal. I can't believe the three of you came out here to ruin our fun," I pouted. My buzz was dangerously close to wearing off.

"Looks like they're having fun to me," Edward winked, taking a throaty pull of his beer. Rose had Emmett pushed into a corner, her hands disappearing down the front of his pants while Emmett eyefucked the shit out of her tits.

"They're gonna get thrown out," I sighed, wiping my hand through my hair. Edward was looking at me funny. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him staring me down.

"What is it?" I asked.

"What is what?" he smirked, draining the rest of his beer and throwing a handful of bills on the bar.

"What are you looking at?" I repeated. Out of nowhere a giggle erupted in my throat and my body felt like jello. Maybe it was the heat of his stare or his unwillingness to answer my question, I didn't know but dizziness enveloped me and I needed to sit down, lie down, immediately. I swayed.

"Enough of this," I heard him say as the lights grew dim and I became weightless. Everyone turned on their sides and began moving further and further away from me. _How'd they do that?_ There was warmth all around me and a softness and a steady rhythmic beat in my ear. My neck was supported and a heady, manly scent filled my nostrils.

There were voices. Familiar ones. Words exchanged, laughter, and then a sudden chill ripped through me.

The voices grew faint, the laughter receeded. I burrowed my face into the warmth, feeling a softness smooth over my bare skin. I was lulled by the beating in my ear.

The voices and the chill disappeared. Heat blew over my skin. The steady beating was gone, replaced by a louder steadier hum and rocking. Sounds, music was coming from somewhere. Gathering my strength I tried to open my eyes. They wouldn't lift. My limbs were heavy. I couldn't move, stuck in place, but there was no fear in me. Then a jolt and a familiar voice, the most familiar, the most like music.

"_Bella."_

_A song._

"We're here."

_That smell. His hands. I was on my feet. We were walking._

"Come on, beautiful." His hand slipped in mine as he led me up the stairs and another body came into view. This one was short, blurry.

"Is she ok?"

"She's pretty wasted but she'll be fine. How's Matthew?"

_Matthew. Matthew! My baby._ And I was back. Awake. Eyes open. Bright light. My house. Familiar faces. Maggie.

"I am fine," I snarled, pushing myself out of Edward's arms. Stumbling a little he grabbed my arm again but I pulled away from him as soon as I regained my balance.

"I said I'm_ fine_." I turned to Maggie and attempted a sober face. "I was supposed to stay over Alice's house but Edward brought me back against my will." My bottom lip started to tremble as the inevitable tears came. "I don't want him to see me this way. His mother's not supposed to come home drunk." Tears turned to sobs and I dropped to the floor, head in hands, full on dramatics, Oscar nominated performance.

Maggie sat next to me cross-legged and put her arm around my shoulders. "It's ok, Bella. You went out with your friends. You got a babysitter. It's all good. You're not, like, some alcoholic. You're allowed to go out. Don't cry."

And suddenly I was lifted into the air again by strong arms and carried up the stairs, supported, held. The familiar smell, his familiar heartbeat.

"Stop. Put me down. Edward. Please put me down."

Edward set me on my feet at the top of the stairs. I could see clearly now and breathe normally. I was still in Edward's arms. There was a sheen of sweat on his glistening skin. His lips on my forehead. He looked at me quizzically, his chest rising and falling evenly. His hands cupping my elbows. We stood in front of Matthew's room. My eyes focused on the slightly opened door. He dropped his arms and let me go in. I pushed the door open slowly.

Maggie remembered to put his nite lite on and it smelled like the baby lotion I told her to use on his dry skin. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

"My beautiful boy," I whispered, gripping the rails of his crib. Before my eyes lying on his tummy and sleeping soundly was my precious little man. My Matthew.

"He's ok," I breathed a contented sigh and felt his smooth hands on my arms and the weight of his chest lightly pressed to my back.

"He's gorgeous."

He said it lightly, not for effect but just to say it because he thought it. He meant it. His hot breath hit the nape of my neck and instantly my skin under his fingertips prickled. As though he noticed it too he pulled his hands away and stepped to the side of me. Together we watched my son sleep. There were no sounds except for the magical whir of Matthew's quick baby breath's mixed with the thrum our combined heartbeats.

Out of the corner of my eye, the breathtaking look on Edward's face as he watched Matthew...it pulled at me...

He put his arm around me and I collapsed into his embrace. "Bella? Why are you crying? You haven't done anything wrong. Baby, he's perfect. You're perfect and-" I clung to him, gripping him tightly, my nails clawing into the fabric at his back. It must have hurt him but he only hummed, "Let's get you to bed."

"Don't go," I whimpered into his shoulder.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to help you get into bed."

"Then you'll go."

"No I won't. I'll stay. Do you want me to stay?"

I nodded vehemently and wiped at my face.

"Then of course I will." He pulled at me and together we left the nursery and crossed the hall to my bedroom.

...

I woke unsure of the time and of why my head weighed a hundred pounds. There was water and aspirin on the bedside table. The side of the bed next to mine was empty - I felt it - and cold. Edward hadn't slept here. The blinds were still closed and, rising to a sitting position, I waited for the pounding of an intense hangover to hit me. Surprisingly, it didn't. The sickness I expected to boil in my gut wasn't there. I ached and was shaky but nothing compared to what I imagined Rosalie and Alice must be feeling. Didn't they drink way more? I couldn't remember.

Maternal instinct kicked in. _Matthew_. I bolted out of bed, wobbly, and raced across the hall. Matthew wasn't in his crib. Panic flared but only momentarily as the sounds of gurgling and laughter filtered up from the kitchen below.

"It's all gone, buddy. You ate it all. Where do you put it in that little tummy of yours? Here, have some of mine."

I took the stairs carefully and stood silently in the doorway watching Edward at the table as he fed Matthew his breakfast. My baby boy must have sensed his momma near. He started squealing happily and pointed my way.

Edward shot out of his chair and came to me with arms open and a kiss on the cheek. "Hey," he whispered into my hair. I melted into him, hooking my arms under his.

"Where's Maggie?" I asked sleepily.

"She went home last night. It didn't make sense for her to stay if I was going to be here."

"Whatcha doin?"

A small smile crooked the corner of his mouth and he sidestepped back to Matthew's highchair. "Oh, um, ok, so I made this rice cereal." He held up the box. "Is that ok? He started freaking out when he saw it so I assumed it was for him. He ate it in like ten seconds though so I found this fruit mush in the fridge and gave him that too."

I had to laugh. Like holding my hand over my mouth laugh. He was so fucking cute in his undershirt and jeans and crazed hair and dazzling eyes and bare feet.

"Yes yes. All of that's fine." I kissed my baby and raspberried his fat cheek.

"And you? How are you feeling?"

For the first time I looked down at myself and realized what I was wearing. A worn out Pearl Jam concert tee and duckling PJ bottoms.

"Surprisingly ok. ...You did this?" I pointed at my clothing with an obvious blush coloring my cheeks. Edward shrugged and spooned some more mush into my son's open mouth.

"You mad?"

"No. Why would I be mad?"

He shrugged again, like a child preparing to be scolded. "Cuz I took your clothes off without your permission. You passed out. I didn't do anything. You couldn't sleep in what you had on. I saw you naked for like a minute. I didn't even sleep in the bed with you."

"I know, you slept on the couch."

"I didn't sleep on the couch."

"You didn't? Then where'd you sleep?"

"In Matthew's room. On the futon," he answered hesitantly. "Is that ok?"

"Edward. You don't have to apologize for everything that has to do with Matthew," I teased, helping myself to the coffee he'd made. "You're really good with him."

"Yeah?" he said modestly, spooning more mush into Matthew's mouth. "Thanks. He's really easy to get along with."

"Take a compliment. You're a natural."

He smiled and our eyes met. He pushed away from the table and stood in front of me. A shiver passed through us both and I hugged my arms around myself to brush away the goosebumps. A lopsided smile pursed his red lips and for a moment I thought he'd lean in and kiss me. I hoped he would. But he didn't. Instead his smile grew wider and he poked a finger into my shoulder.

"You're a mess, Bella. Go take a shower."

I frowned and moved to leave but something prompted me to stop and turn around.

"You could have slept in my bed, y'know. I wouldn't have minded if you did."

A few seconds passed without a word as he contemplated his response. A few seconds for me to remember the fresh scent of his cool bare skin, the slapping sound of our flesh mingling, the sight of our bodies joining. If he were a few steps closer I could reach out and touch him.

"I wanted to. More than anything. But I promise you, Bella, I won't sleep with you again unless you ask me."

...

"Wow, it's really coming down, huh?" I said out loud to no one in particular.

Thunder rumbled outside, water thudded on the rooftop, driving rain pounded against the windows. I pushed the blinds aside and peeked out the front door. It was dark. The front yard was a swamp. Our driveway and the road ahead were flooded. The wheels of Edward's Volvo were half sunk in the mud. I finished toweling my hair and puttered into the living room. The television was turned to the Weather Channel and Edward laid sprawled across the entire length of the couch, his arm bent under his head, his eyes closed and with Matthew curled up on his chest.

"Bella?" The front door slammed shut and I jumped as it's noise echoed throughout the house. I hurried into the kitchen to cut my father off at the pass.

"I'm here, dad. Edward and Matthew are sleeping."

"Edward? What's he...?" Nevermind. Listen, it's like a hurricane out there. Stay inside, ok? The main roads are washed out and the back roads are impassable. I'm heading back to the station and will be holed up there until this thing passes." Water ran off his hair and face and clothes, dripping onto the floor in puddles.

"Why are you going to the station? You should stay home. It's too dangerous."

"Don't worry, Bells. I'll be manning the phones and making sure our emergency evac plans are ready if necessary." He shrugged and patted my head. "It's my job. As long as I know you and Mathew are safe and..." He peered into the living room where he could obviously see Edward and Matthew sleeping.

"Tell him to stay here. There's reports of mudslides on the mountain. He'll never make it home in one piece."

"Thanks. I'll let him know."

"You know where we keep the batteries and candles if power goes out."

"Under the kitchen sink and in the hall closet. No worries, dad. You be careful out there."

"Always am." He hugged me goodbye and drove off in the four-wheel drive police cruiser with its headlights blazing. I retreated back into the living room, switching off the lamp but leaving the TV on. The weather forecast was grim. Heavy thunderstorms, high winds, for the rest of the day and into the night. The house creaked and shook but all I could concentrate on was the way the glow of the television bounced off Edward's sleeping face and the way my son snuggled perfectly into the angles of his chest.

"What time is it?" He stretched and purred, elongating before my eyes. He was warm and sleepy and smelled like my house.

"Time to eat," I whispered, pulling Matthew from his arms.

"Oooh good. I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich and fries and a beer." He grinned and rolled onto his stomach. "This is the comfiest couch ever."

"Believe it or not, I actually have all of those things, even the frozen fries," I chuckled, heading into the kitchen with Matthew on my shoulder. "You're in luck."

"Oh I know," he said, yawning loudly and flopping on to the floor.

...

"So what do you want to do now?"

"In the dark? I dunno. I want Matthew to stop crying." I paced the living room, bouncing Matthew on my hip, my shoulder, my waist. Anything to lull him to sleep. But it wasn't working. The thunder was too loud. The rain relentless. The wind shrieked. It was pitch black outside at 3pm and the power had just gone out. None of it made any sense to him and he was letting us know that he was on to our pathetic attempts to trick him.

"Give him to me."

"Excuse me?"

"Let me hold him. Maybe I can get him to sleep."

"I'm his mother. He's scared of the thunder. I think_ I'm_ the one he needs."

"Always, but maybe just this once_ I'm_ the one who can get him to sleep. Why can't you accept help?"

"I can accept help," I stuttered as I felt his hands sweep up the backs of my arms.

"Show me."

A bright bolt of lighting ripped through the sky outside the flimsy glass windows meant to protect us. I jumped in my skin and clung onto my baby. A violent roll of thunder immediately crashed over our heads, shaking the very walls we stood between.

"What are you snickering at?" I growled. Another deafening roll of thunder shook the house. Edward's soft rubbing motions on my arms continued and my growl trailed into a low moan. I pivoted in place and let him scoop Matthew out of my embrace. At first Matthew squirmed and fussed and let out a high pitched cry at the loss of contact, but once Edward had settled him into the bend of his arms my unhappy little man was staring up with awe and intense curiosity. The wheels were turning in his mind and his eyes remained fixed on Edward's face.

And then he started to laugh. He laughed so hard that his tiny body was overcome with squeals and bursts and he grabbed at Edward's face but only caught air as Edward pulled away just in time. And Matthew laughed harder each time he tried and failed and then Edward started to laugh and the room was filled with their combined voices and I put my hand over my mouth to stifle my own giggles at the scene going on in front of me. Matthew carried on laughing even when he caught a case of hiccups. Laugh *hic* laugh *hic*. It was music to my ears.

"Thank you," I said, turning off the flashlight and clicking on the battery powered mobile above the crib. Edward smiled. Trails of moons and stars roamed over his face. He took my hand and squeezed it then let it go and placed both of his hands on the crib railing with a sigh.

"We should talk."

Never before had three words had such a physical effect on me. Fear. Disappointment. Rejection. Loss. That's what those words intended to deliver. My knees went to jelly and my stomach plunged to my toes. But he was right. We needed to talk about so many things. I had endless questions. My first one of many being, _What happened that night after I left his house? _and then, _Why did he come out to Port Angeles and crash our girls night out?_ Finally, _What exactly the fuck was going on with him and Tanya?_

"Alright," I answered, my voice raspy and raw. I took a deep breath and readied myself. I could do this. "Where should we start?"

"Let's start with him. Everything I've missed since the day he was born and before. How was your labor? Did you go naturally or- what about meds? I remember you said you were going to try to go without-"

"Hang on. _This _is what you want to talk about?" I snorted back a laugh. I thought we'd moved past deflection and onto pure honesty, but here was more classic Edward avoidance. It was exasperating! I took his hand and led him out of Matthew's room, talking a mile a minute in a hushed voice.

"You want to talk about my _delivery_? Edward, there are so many other things for us to discuss – I mean, we have so many freakin' issues here, how can you ask about - ?" I paced in the enclosed space of the hallway, my fingers whirling and flipping in time with my words.

"What about the last _six months_ when I never heard from you and I didn't know what had happened to you? I didn't even know about the_ trial._ I thought you had abandoned me, and – what about Tanya? What the _fuck_ is that all about? And why didn't you call just once? All this time I thought – I thought I'd never hear from you again and that everything we had, everything you'd told me - all those beautiful things you said - that I'd just imagined it all and that our time together hadn't meant to you what you said it did. And I know I was shit at expressing my feelings then, I know I was - that's why when I saw you the other day I had to tell you how I felt. I wanted you to know that-"

"That you love me."

"Yes."

He took a determined step closer. "I wish I could get those months back, Bella. So I could have told you every day that I'm in love with you. Because that's never going to change. It's not something I've just figured out. It's something I've always known since the first night we met and every day since then, and especially the last two hundred and forty-six days that have passed without seeing your beautiful face," he ran the back of his hand across my cheek. "Or hearing your angelic voice," he traced the tip of his index finger up the length of my throat.

"Two hundred and forty-six of the most miserable days of my life, in more ways than one. _That's_ why I want to know - before we get into heavy shit that might leave you hating my guts - I want to know how you spent every one of those days, how you felt, what happened the day your water broke and what time you went into labor, who was your doctor and what was the weather like, who was with you and did you eat the hospital food. None of it is mundane or boring to me because, god_damn it_ Bella, I should have _been there_! I should have been there for every single fucking one of those days and I'm not going to talk about anything else until you answer me!"

Tears welled up in his eyes and spilled over with the force and frustration that boiled inside him. He was visibly shaking and my hands instantly went to his face to smooth back his hair, to wind behind his neck, to bring him closer to me.

"Edward, baby-" I whispered sweetly but he pulled away in embarrassment at his obvious vulnerability. He quickly brushed at his eyes.

"Answer me, Bella. Please."

"Alright," I conceded. "I'll tell you everything you want to know."

"Ok then I'll meet you downstairs. Take this flashlight."

"Are you for real?" I could see the reservation in his eyes. He knew that if we went to my bedroom we might never get to the talking part. It finally registered in my thick head how much this meant to him and how he didn't want our pent up sexual desires and attraction to each other to become an inevitable distraction.

"Edward, this talk you're requesting - it's going to take awhile. I'd like to lie down." I headed towards the bedroom but he remained still behind me. This was a side of Edward I hadn't seen. Shy, boyish, defenseless. Unsure.

I held out my hand with a nod that all of this was ok and lead him inside.

...

"Six hours? That's not long at all!"

"Maybe not for you, but you weren't pushing an eight pound human out of your vagina!" I grimaced as I remembered the gushing mounting pressure, my feet in stirrups, a stranger's head between my legs.

"And you did it all alone. Dammit, that wasn't the way..." His expression soured and he threw his arm over his head. We'd been at this for hours and the conversation always ended up right back here.

"Edward, it's not your fault. It was my decision. I felt the labor pains in the morning and I waited and waited until I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to give birth. I was scared."

"You needed me."

"You're right. I did." I had no intention of lying to him about that, not even to protect his fragile feelings. I had needed him that day, that day more than all the others.

"I'll never forgive myself."

"Fine, don't forgive yourself but please, stop punishing yourself so we can move on. You can't change the past." We laid side by side on my bed. Edward on his back, his eyes trained on the ceiling; me on my side propped up on an elbow facing him. The only light in the room came from the sliver of sky that could be seen through the window through the dark storm clouds that had taken up residence over the town. But it was enough to frame the moment. We'd been talking a blue streak with not so much as an inappropriate touch or stolen kiss to break the flow. Edward wasn't kidding when he said he wanted to know every detail. He was so curious and had so many questions that I couldn't possibly have all the answers. The blur after having a baby was exactly that. A huge fucking blur.

He turned on his side to face me, deep creases of concentration lined his forehead. I took the pad of my thumb and attempted to smooth them out. He closed his eyes and hummed into my touch.

"_Bella_."

"I'm here."

He sighed and a faint smile parted his lips. "You're here."

"And I forgive you."

And the smile was gone.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness."

This was getting ridiculous! I sat up straight and crossed my arms with a huff. "Then don't deserve it, but I'm giving it to you anyway because_ I_ want to."

The smile returned and brought with it a light chuckle. "You're too good."

"So is that enough poopy diaper and stretchmark talk for ya? Cuz I'm spent," I teased, flopping back on the pillows.

"Yes thank you. There's still so much I missed but at least now I don't feel so far removed from it."

"My turn?" I asked with a tentatively raised eyebrow.

He adjusted his position, angling himself towards me defensively. I could tell that he was nervous, that he was expecting me to judge him no matter what he said.

"Ask away."

It was finally time. I went right for it without hesitation.

"What happened at the pool the night I left your house? After we...y'know..." _After the sound of your dirty mouth made me cum all over myself. _

"Phone fucked?" he smirked mischieviously.

"As you so eloquently put it." I rolled my eyes. "Yes. _Something_ must have happened because you were weird on the phone the next morning and Rose said you and Tanya left together that night."

"Oh she did, did she?" he snarled in annoyance. "My nosy sister. See, this is how rumors start. This is why I always look like the asshole. She thinks I'm fucking her, doesn't she? Unbelievable."

"She didn't say that."

"But she's thinking it. I know Rosalie. I've given her too much ammo over the years to make her think anything less. Yeah so I used to sleep around. So did she. We were young and bored. And then I met you and...shit...Bella...Do_ you_ think I slept with Tanya that night?"

"I don't know what to think anymore, Edward. It's not like we're together. You're not my boyfriend. Who am I to tell you what to do?"

"_WHAT?_" he erupted suddenly, taking me off guard. I backed up to the headboard and hugged my knees to my chest. He was angry at what I'd just said. There was no doubt about it.

"You should at _least_ fucking _care_! What do I have to do to make you _care_? To make you fight for me! What if I did sleep with her, huh?" He bolted off the bed and began pacing around my room, frantic and as close to a breakdown as I've ever seen him. I couldn't speak.

"_WELL?_ What if I fucked her all night long? What if we woke up in each others arms and I fucked her again in the early morning light? What if I had been deep inside her, kissing her and sucking her and we were sweating and moaning together? Would you be jealous? Would you bang on my door? Would you slap me across the face and scream, _You bastard!_ _How could you do this to us?_!"

"Edward-"

"You wouldn't, would you? Because there is no _us_, is there? You said it yourself - It's not like we're together."

He flung himself down at the edge of the bed and with his back to me and put his head in his hands. The hard lines of muscle beneath his thin t-shirt were visible in shadow. When he spoke next it was with a distant removed voice facing the wall.

"Why did you tell me you love me? ...What difference does it make if don't want to be with me?"

"I didn't say I don't want to be with you."

"But you haven't said that you _do_. This is never going to work if you keep giving me the runaround."

And it was my turn to get hysterical. My heart was racing and I felt the heat of the blood rising to my cheeks. "Are you kidding me? You can't honestly believe what you're saying. That it's that easy? For the love of GOD _you live with_ _Tanya! _ Or have you forgotten that she's, like, _attached_ to you or whatever. I mean, seriously? That's fucked. That's _crazy!_ Where the hell do I fit in that mess? Me and Matthew? Should we all live together in one big happy fucked up family? You, me, my kid and your ex? Or I know, How about me, you, Matthew and Mike Newton move in together? How does that sound?"

"Alright!" he roared, thrusting his hands through the long thickness of his hair. "Then why come back here at all! You should have just stayed in Phoenix, but something made you come back, didn't it? And don't give me that crap about missing Alice or your dad."

Ouch. The room fell silent while I smarted in reaction to his caustic remark. It didn't take long for his regret to set in. He moved up the bed but I wouldn't look at him.

"I'm sorry." He put his hand on my knee but I wouldn't turn. "I shouldn't have yelled. Bella, hey, please look at me." His fingers combed through my hair and the sensation of his fingertips brushing my skin sent electric charges through the core of me. It had been so long since I'd been possessed by him.

"How'd I get so lucky?" he murmured into my ear. "That someone like you would put up with me for one fraction of a second? I'm trying so hard not to fuck this up. I didn't sleep with Tanya that night. Please believe me."

"I do believe you," I quivered under his skillful fingers. "You're trying to do the right thing, you're a good man, patient and caring. But you're so fucking intense, Edward. You have no idea. No one, not even Jake, has ever loved me -a_dored_ me - the way you do. I see it in your eyes every time you look at me. It scares me because I feel the same way about you. It excites me and I don't know how to handle the strength of the emotions. When Alice told me you were flying in for your birthday, it got me thinking about the fun we had this time last summer - fun I didn't even realize I was having at the time. And the night of your birthday party-"

Edward interrupted, "I think about that night all the time. Best birthday I ever had."

"Really? If I remember correctly I stomped out in the middle of the night like a bratty child after Tanya called."

"That's true," he chuckled. "But when _I_ look back on that night I remember the way you smelled, your jealous pout, the way your cheeks heated up when I touched you."

"I don't even recognize that girl anymore. I would have done it all differently."

"I wouldn't. Well, maybe one thing."

"What's that?"

"I wouldn't have left when you told me to."

"It's not that I _wanted_ you to leave," I said defensively. "I wanted the best for you, I didn't want you to miss out-"

"Bella." He pressed his finger to my lips. "Shut up." He replaced his finger with his lips and gave me a sweet closed-mouth kiss. I tried to open his mouth with my tongue but he pulled away.

"Sitting on that plane as it took me away from you," his eyes glazed over. "I seriously thought I'd die. I would have preferred death to the pain of my heart caving in. It was torture, every moment of being there."

"Oh god don't remind me. I was such an idiot."

"You weren't. You did what you thought was right for me and for you and the baby. And now that I know how you felt about me," a satisfied smile lit up his face. "I understand how hard that decision must have been for you."

The heat and prickly texture of my skin gave away my body's reaction to his words. He could compliment the pants off a prison guard. "Since we're being honest I might as well tell you that I was absolute shit-faced in love with you when I said that. Y'know, just to earn me some extra points here."

"Points given but points not needed. You're all I've ever wanted."

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Why haven't you told me about Seattle?"

"_Fucking Rosalie_," he hissed. "_I told her I was going to tell you_."

"Not Rose. Alice."

He rolled his eyes in understanding.

"It's good though, yes? Such a break that they're taking me on after everything that's happened. And it gets me out of Boston and closer to you. You can come up on weekends. It's not that far-"

"From Phoenix?"

He looked perplexed. "From Forks."

"Edward, I live in Phoenix."

"But you're selling your house."

"And then I'm moving to Tucson. I have a job lined up and it's closer to a few friends I know from college..."

His hand clasped my wrist urgently. "No. Don't go."

"Why not? Should I come back to Forks instead? Work at Newton's? The Tucson job is stable, it has benefits-"

"You don't need that job, Bella. I'll take care of you and Matthew. You won't have to worry about anything."

"I can't sponge off of you my whole life, I have a son now."

"You're my girlfriend. I can take care of you while you look for a job in Seattle."

"...Your girlfriend," I bit my bottom lip and mulled it over.

"You like it?" he grinned mischieviously. "It's about time."

I nodded and stretched to the bedside table to turn the volume up on the baby monitor. Then I pulled the covers back and Edward's eyes widened.

"Sleep with me."

"Are," he swallowed. "Are you sure?"

"You said you wouldn't sleep with me again until I asked you to. Well," I yawned. "I'm asking you."

He stood still, hands in his pockets, looking down at my empty bed fitted with clean sheets, and sighed a resigned sigh. "We both know that's not what I meant, but I'd be a fool to turn down the opportunity to lay next to you."

...

The shriek of Matthew's cries woke us a few hours later.

"Shit," I slurred, peering at the alarm clock on my bedside table that still blinked 12:00am. "He must be starving."

"I'll help you," Edward yawned, stretching out like a sleepy kitten.

After a much needed jar of whipped bananas and a song from Edward, Matthew was out for the count again and Edward and I were headed back downstairs to see what we could scavenge from the kitchen. Just as we descended the staircase the front door swung open and a drenched Charlie appeared.

"Dad!" I exclaimed with a mixture of relief and surprise.

"Well the storm's passed. The worst of it anyways," Charlie said, shaking off his dripping parka and hanging it on the hook. He looked exhausted, barely making it out of his muddy boots without toppling over. "Trees are down all over. Half the town's lost power and we had to rescue a stupid surfer from the rocks, but luckily no fatalities."

"That's a relief," I said.

Charlie stood up straight with his hand on his back. "How'd Matthew handle the -" and his eyes immediately landed on mine and Edward's interlocked hands, our tangled fingers. I did nothing to hide our affection. I didn't pull them behind our backs or let go. I stood my ground proudly next to Edward where I belonged and left Charlie to decide how he felt about it. I felt Edward stiffen beside me but I held on, rubbing my thumb in circles over the bones of his hand.

"I see," Charlie mumbled finally and I thought I saw my father's stoic face redden slightly, as if he'd caught Edward and I doing a lot more than holding hands.

"I'd ask for an explanation but I think you're a little old for that," he continued, stacking his boots against the wall and fumbling awkwardly with his socks. Edward squeezed my hand and I heard him let out a long-held breath.

"I'm glad you're home safe, Chief Swan," Edward said, detaching his hand from mine only so he could extend it to my father. "Thank you for everything you've done out there today. We're lucky to have such a dedicated police force."

"Well, uh, just doing my job, Edward. It's good that Bella and Matthew weren't alone in the house through all this so, y'know..." The words _thank _and _you _weren't easily injected into my father's vocabulary and it was apparent that all he wanted to do was run for the nearest cold beer.

"It was my pleasure, Chief Swan. Bella and Mathew's safety was my utmost concern."

"If you say so," Charlie grumbled still flicking his eyes between the two of us. He hadn't been Edward's biggest fan the last six months, having seen how close we'd become last summer and how down I had been since we'd been apart. Not knowing the full story of course he took his daughter's side against the big bad boy who broke her heart.

Figuring Edward would leave it at that I headed into the kitchen until I was stopped in my tracks by what he said next.

"I just want you to know, sir, that I love your daughter with all my heart. I understand if my absence has created hard feelings in you towards me, but I'm back now and I'm not leaving again until she tells me to. Maybe not even then. I'm going to do everything in my power to earn back her respect and trust as well as yours."

There was silence as Edward's words hung in the air. I closed my eyes and waited for something to happen when all I wanted to do was run and throw myself into his arms.

"Well..." Charlie cleared his throat. "...as long as Bella's ok with it..."

"I'm ok with it, dad. More than ok with it." I brought Edward to my side and slipped an arm around his waist. Edward cupped his hand behind my neck possessively and kissed the top of my head.

Charlie sighed loudly and ran his hand down his face to clear his head. "Terrific. I need a beer."

**EPOV**

"So...what now?"

"Mm keep doing what you're doing."

"You mean this?" I dragged my tongue up the long, lean expanse of her neck. She hummed and wriggled beside me. I slid one hand up her bare leg until it reached the hem off her girly boxer shorts. The other was tangled in her hair, winding and twirling and petting. Her eyes fluttered open and closed as I trailed my nose under her jaw and behind her ear. God she smelled divine, like roses and heather and baby powder.

"Yes," she breathed, angling and arching to give me better access to her sweet spots. "Don't stop."

We'd been at it for the better part of an hour and I had no intention of stopping. Bella's body called to me but it had changed since I'd touched it last. Her curves were fuller, meatier, her breasts heavier, her ass rounder. She was all woman. The effect her body had on mine had not changed in the slightest, had only intensified exponentially and I could tell that she felt the same way about me. Her hands reacquainted themselves with the planes of my back, her nails scraped down the ridges of my spine and over the contours of my hips; she palmed my ass and sighed in satisfaction, giving it a firm squeeze.

I rolled on top of her, my erection pressing painfully into her thigh.

"Damn," she giggled.

"What?"

"Your gun is digging into my hip."

"_What_?"

"Your _gun_," she repeated, flexing her leg muscle against my swollen shaft. "Is _digging_ into my _hip_. It's from Ace Ventura."

"Oh, right," I laughed, resting my forehead against hers and staring into her eyes. She was holding her breath, her heart racing like a hummingbird.

"Edward."

"Hey," I whispered, nuzzling the tip of her nose with my own.

"Are you going to kiss me or what?"

"I thought about it, but I won't be able to stop if I start."

She leaned up and carefully pressed her lips against mine, slowly at first and then with desperation. Our mouths crashed together and opened hungrily, sharing our tongues and tastes and wetness, exploring, strangled voices moaning, her fists in my hair pulling me down and down, our teeth clinking together. She sucked and bit on my bottom lip and I lost control, grinding down on her and groaning against her collarbone like an animal. My arms shook as I held my weight above her.

"Don't stop," she ordered, pulling me back down to her swollen red lips. I kissed her fervently with everything I had and hoped she could feel the emotions coursing through me so strong they brought tears to my eyes. I slid my hands under her white tank top over her pale skin until I reached the soft mounds of her breasts. She sucked in a stuttered breath.

"Is this ok?" I asked.

She nodded. "Please." Her legs opened and I dropped between them, the length of my dick meeting up with the spongy moistness of her slit. Suddenly she was tugging at the elastic band of her shorts, bringing them down her legs and kicking them off. Then her hands were at the button and zip of my jeans, urging me to help her get them off me. They were gone and my boxers followed. I pulled my shirt over my head and added it to the growing pile on the floor. Bella's shirt joined it and finally we were clothes free, skin on fiery skin.

"You are so beautiful." I buried my face between her breasts, kissing and licking her perfectly pink nipples. She covered her cries with her arm and writhed underneath me. "I've missed this. It's been so long."

"I want you, Edward. Now." She dug her nails into the small of my back and whined. Without another word I lined the bare head of my cock up to the wet opening of her entrance and pushed my entire length inside her. All the way in. All the way til it could go no further. Our mouths fell open without a sound as though we'd both been stunned into silence by the way our bodies felt when combined. I stopped and let us enjoy the sensation of my cock pulsing inside of her. She clenched her walls down around me and I growled, pulling out fast and slamming back in. And it was off to the races. She cried out and bucked up to meet my relentless thrusting. This wasn't making love. This was fucking. Fast, furious, lust-fueled, desire-soaked fucking, and damn we were good at it. Grunting and sweating and foul-mouthed. She pulled my hair, hard, and made me groan. I pressed down on her hipbone, buried myself inside her and made her scream.

"On top," she panted, pulling my shoulders and rolling me on my side

We switched positions and I nearly lost it. She pressed her hand to my chest and bent her other arm behind her for balance, her knees clamped on either side of my torso as she rode me. This time it was slower, less frantic. I squeezed her ass cheeks and jutted my chin to the ceiling trying to fend off my orgasm. It was coming, literally. The sight of Bella bouncing above me, her breasts covered in a clear liquid sheen, her hair out and wild and..._dear god don't let me come before she does._

There were no words, only the meeting of our eyes as they traveled together down the lengths of our bodies to stop at the place where we joined. We watched as beads of sweat and our juices gathered and were spread between us. The sight of my long cock disappearing inside her sent my mind reeling and the rumbling in my abdomen warned me I wasn't going to last much longer. My senses were completely overwhelmed.

"Fuck, I'm close," I panted, sitting us up and pressing our chests together, my cock still jerking inside her. I held her tight and placed tiny kisses across her smiling face. "I wanted it to last longer, but I can't. You feel too good."

She took my face in her hands and kissed me sweetly - just enough lip, just enough tongue - and pulled me down on top of her. I heard her whisper _I love you_ as she used her hand to slip me back inside. We rocked in place for a moment and then I began to move. She ran her hands up and down my sides and clasped her ankles at the small of my back.

"God yes...Edward...don't stop...I'm...please...Oh god, oh god..." A few more thrusts and the walls of her pussy convulsed around me. I trailed my mouth across her breasts and sucked greedily on her pebbled nipples while she rode out her climax. Her thighs shook and released and I buried my head in the crook of her neck and saw stars. She held me in her arms as I lay spent and sprawled out on top of her.

Just then the baby monitor picked up a staticky cry. We froze and listened as Matthew babbled himself out of a dream. Once he'd cooed himself back to sleep Bella and I looked at each other, sticky and wet, and busted out laughing.

"You're still inside me, y'know," she snorted into my shoulder to stifle her laughter.

"You think he heard us?" I pulled out and flopped onto my side.

"His dehumidifier is on so I doubt it." She giggled and turned to me with a contented sigh. "That was amazing, Edward. I don't remember it ever being that good."

"You were pregnant every other time," I reminded her with a wink.

"Oh god, that's right," she blushed. "I was so self conscious back then. I never would have laid out on the bed like this without even a sheet over me."

"You were stunning then and you're stunning now. You held your pregnancy beautifully. I told you that all the time, stubborn girl." She rolled her eyes at me and curled into my side.

We talked until dawn, naked and tangled in each others arms. In between talking we'd make love and as the sun rose and filtered through the window we fell asleep, safe in the knowing that the storm had indeed passed and there were bright days ahead.


	34. At last

**This chapter is a little sappy sap-tastic but whatevs. We're coming to the end and I loves the love. **

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer**

* * *

**BPOV**

The next morning I woke in his arms with the sun streaming through window across our tangled bodies. My eyes shot open in maternal alarm. What time was it? Where was Matthew? Why didn't I hear him?

And then I did. Two voices - one giggling and gurgling, the other deeper, stronger, whispering. I remained still, laying on my side listening to the melodies they were creating. It was how I wanted to wake up every morning. To the sounds of the voices and dreams of my beautiful boys.

With tingling anticipation I turned over to find my chubby baby laying between us. A sleepy, dreamy look in Edward's jade eyes brightened when he saw my face peering at them.

"Morning beautiful," he smiled warmly, leaning over Matthew's grabby arms to kiss me. "The power's back on. I was going to make us some breakfast."

"That'd be great. And coffee."

"Yes, maam." He gave Matthew his pinky and me his lips again. He was still shirtless and no doubt still bare below the sheets. My heart sped up, my tongue flicked the corners of my mouth.

"Last night was incredible, by the way," he murmured.

"It was. You're really good at, y'know, that stuff." Blood rushed to my face, flushing my cheeks and chest and other places.

"Thanks," he laughed, running his warm palm over the curves of my hips. "You're not so bad yourself, but I _meant_ the talking. Thank you for being so patient with me and listening to me and understanding. For you to give me another chance, it means more to me than I can tell you."

He went home a few hours later and it ached real pain to watch him drive away. His taste lingered in my mouth. His smell stuck to me. I ran my hands down my sides and pretended it was him. His attention, his careful touches.

"No one but you," he whispered into my hair, hugging me to his hard chest. "For me there will never be anyone but you. Promise me you'll remember that."

After he left I paced around the house in slippered feet. Matthew was quieter than normal. He missed his friend, I thought. I replayed our late night conversation while I showered and dressed, but I didn't make the bed. The sheets and blankets remained in the rumpled disarray the way we left them. I pictured exactly where Edward's body fit inside the crinkles and wrinkles and the way we fit together amongst them only hours earlier.

We talked until dawn. He explained. I listened.

Yes, he admitted. He left the pool with Tanya that night and had taken her for a walk around the outdoor lighted gardens that lined the side of the estate. He found a spot quiet and secluded and sat her down on a wooden bench.

"I asked her to tell me why she was here," he said. "In Forks. I asked her why she thought I'd brought her with me. I needed to make sure we were living on the same page - that she knew I had brought her out here as a friend - a friend who needed a friend - and nothing more."

_This is it, Tanya. This is all you'll get from me. It's all I'll ever able to give you._

"And that just because I had beaten the shit out of Jason Jenks and went through that god-awful trial with her, it didn't mean we were getting back together."

_I'll never be able to repay you for what you've done for me, Eddie._

_I'd never ask you to._

"She was quiet and for a second I thought she'd begun to cry."

_Don't you underestimate me, Edward Cullen._

"I never would, I said."

_I'm going to be fine._

"I told her there was no doubt in my mind that she would be."

_You're still my good friend?_

"She said it so hopefully, as if she thought there was a chance I'd say no."

_I'll always be your friend, Tanya. We started out that way. There's no reason to stop now._

"And we left it at that. I went to my room and she went to hers and slept through the night with no help from me. When Rose said we didn't come down in the morning it was because I slept until noon. Tanya ordered the works at our in-house spa and spent the entire day there. My idea," he grinned.

"She'll find happiness," I said, smoothing the sides of his hair and tucking errant strands behind his ear. There was really no more to say except, "You're a damn good man, Edward. I love you so."

...

"What do you get the man who has everything?" I mumbled, wandering aimlessly through the sparse racks of designer label menswear. The smell of expensive leather and high-quality fabric made my eyes cross, as did the price tags.

"The one thing he doesn't have," Alice answered, sifting through a pile of destructed jeans looking for Jasper's size.

"Which is?" I picked up a v-neck button down that would look absolutely lethal on Edward's tight bod. It's price tag was even deadlier. I put it back on the rack and sighed loudly.

Alice zig-zagged towards me and picked up my hand, waving it on front of my face like a flag. I frowned at her quizzically, unsure of what she was getting at. Leave it to Alice to be obtuse.

"My fingers?" I mused. "Yeahhhh they need a manicure but I don't see what-"

She raised her eyebrows and squeezed. "_Think_ about it." Her purple contacts blazed as she stared at me impatiently.

"Okayyy, I'm thinking I should get Edward my hand."

She groaned loudly, dropping said hand in disappointment and letting it fall limply to my side.

"_Give_. You should _give_ Edward your hand," she sighed.

"Like a hand_ job_? We've moved far beyond that long ago."

"Spare me," she blanched.

"_Give him my_..." I truly had no idea what the fuck she was on about. And then...it hit me...

"Ohhhhhhh. My hand" I see.

"Ohhhhhhh," she mimicked turning and trotting off towards Victoria's Secret. "Jesus you're dense."

What did she expect? My brain was fried. We'd been at the mall shopping all day. It was a pleasure for Alice. A chore for me. She was picking out shoes for her wedding (which she and Jasper hadn't even set a date for yet, but I digress) and I needed to find a gift for Edward for his birthday. The party was tomorrow and I had procrastinated fully, less than twenty hours to go - which meant I was panicking and had enlisted Alice as my personal assistant. Never one to disappoint, she'd dragged me on a never ending treasure hunt through the unexplored wilderness of boutique shops, department stores and discount chains, all the while interrogating me on just 'what the fuck was up' with me and Edward.

"Are you saying I should _propose_ to Edward for his birthday?" I snickered at the thought of me getting down on one knee in front of his family and presenting him with an engagement ring. Did they even make engagement rings for men? The thought was too hilarious for life.

"I'm not ready to get married again, Alice. And what makes you think Edward even wants to marry me?"

"I didn't say you had to get married. I'm saying you should give Edward your hand. It's a metaphor, dumbass."

"You lost me."

She rummaged around in her clutch for her lip gloss, applying it as she talked. "He's in love with you. You guys are an official couple now, fucking finally, and Edward doesn't care about money or material things. He has enough of both. What he doesn't have enough of is_ you_. He cares about _you_. I may not know him all that well but I can't think of anything he cares about, or wants, more than a commitment to be with you forever."

She tossed the tube back in her bag and folded her arms across her chest with that 'As your best friend I am at the end of my rope with you' look on her face. I never should have shared the romantic shit Edward whispered to me in private the night of the storm as we laid in bed.

_Stay with me, Bella. Be with me, by my side, always._

Vulnerable declarations made under cover of night and post-coital bliss.

"Edward knows I love him. He doesn't expect anything more from me."

"Exactly. Which is why your hand, or whatever you want to call it, is the perfect gift. _Gift_, Bella. The transfer of something without the expectation of anything in return. What is sexier than that? Light a candle, sit him down and profess to him the sentiment that he's wanted to hear every second of every day since you met. Don't buy some bullshit card with some trite poem that belittles the enormity of your feelings for him. Make this birthday count."

"When did you turn into such a sap?"

"Fine, take the pussy way out and buy him a DVD or a book or some other shit that doesn't mean anything. What are you, fifteen?" She shoved a piece of gum in her mouth and chewed. "I'm done helping."

"You call that helping?" I laughed, glancing briefly at the table of VS string bikini underwear. I never understood how women could walk around with a piece of floss riding up their ass-crack. Alice picked out six colorful ones and dropped them into her already half-full basket.

"I expected you to tell me to buy some sexy lingerie and lay spread eagle across the counter dribbling chocolate sauce down a push-up bra or whatever these things are." I picked up a lacy strapless creation and shrugged. "Then he could ravage me on top of-"

"LAAAME. You guys can do kinky shit any time. Trust me, bunny. Hearing you say those words will turn him on more than any overpriced pair of crotchless panties."

I realized then and there that she wasn't fucking with me. She really meant what she was saying; that my birthday gift to Edward should be a final declaration of my feelings for him, to lay it all out on the line, my intentions, my hopes for the future,_ our_ future and how he was all I wanted, all that I'd ever want again, how I'd go with him anywhere, follow him anywhere, change my life for him, because there was no such thing as living life without him.

...

"That one looks so good on you it's disgusting. What do you think, Al?"

Rose twirled me around and pointed to the material hugging my boobs. Alice gave me an eyebrow.

"Yup. Gross. You make me sick, bunny. Gorgeous, Ro. The best ones yet. You were right, as usual."

Rose smacked my ass, her indication that I could get down from the dressing pedestal and get changed back into my normal, boring clothes. It was nice being a princess for a few minutes and I was honored that Rose thought of me when creating some of her fashion forward designs.

"Not so fast, hot mama. I have a few micro-mini's that I want you to shove your annoyingly shapely ass into."

"Hello? Excuse me..."

Our heads shot to the door at the sound of the chime that told us someone had entered the store.

"Sorry," Rose snapped quickly. "We're closed to customers at the...oh...Tanya. Hey. What's up? What are you doing here?"

"I took the bus. Did you know there was a bus from Forks to Port Angeles?" she chuckled, standing awkwardly in the doorway, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. "Well there is. I heard Esme mention that you girls might be in town today before you came to Edward's party."

"Yeah I had some things I wanted Bella to try on. She's my muse from time to time and...yeah...well..." Rose smiled politely, unsure of what to say or do next.

"I understand."

"Is there something you needed? Or wanted? Is anything wrong?"

"No, no, nothing's wrong. I was just hoping I could talk to Bella for a minute." Her eyes hit mine. I blinked away and then came to, stepping out of Alice's shadow.

"Um, sure, ok. Let's go in here." I motioned to the break room. A sickness in my stomach. Tanya walked hesitantly behind the register and followed me.

"Don't take this the wrong way," I said, shutting the door behind us. "But you're scaring the shit out of me right now. Did something happen? Why did you come all the way here just to talk to me? Edward's party is in, like, five hours. We could have talked then."

She sat and crossed her legs. "No we couldn't. I can't talk to you when you're with him. There's no me when you're around."

Silence.

"I don't know what to say to that, Tanya."

"You're very beautiful."

"Again. Thank you?" I snatched a paper cup from the water cooler and poured.

"I'm so sorry to bother you when you're with your friends but I don't have your phone number. I don't know where you live and I didn't want to ask Edward. He'd freak the fuck out and think I was going off to stalk you or cause trouble."

"Why would he think you'd cause trouble?" I asked sincerely.

"We had a talk the other night. A big one. Did he tell you about it?"

"Um...a little," I lied.

"It was a good talk. Talks with Edward are always good ones as I'm sure you know."

I nodded.

"I've loved Edward for a long time. I'm a year younger but we ran in the same circles at Harvard. Went to the same conferences and medical seminars. All the girls at the hospital had a crush on him. _Have_. He's so so sweet and polite to everyone. Genuine. Not fake. You can tell the difference between the residents who are just trying to bed as many nursing students as possible and the ones who are actually there to work and learn and to be the best. And Edward's the best. He works the hardest. He's there the latest. Covers shifts. Puts in overtime. Anything he can do to excel and learn as much as he can. The staff loves him. So do the patients. There's just something about him."

"Yes there is." I tried to steady my shaking hands.

"Edward's dad and my dad are very close. They've been friends since their days at med school. You understand why they would both be in favor of their children carrying on their legacy?"

"I would," I answered truthfully. She smiled and continued. I wish she'd stop.

"I wouldn't say I threw myself at Edward but I wouldn't say I kept my interest in him a secret either. I made it known that I was available and eager for his attention. I made sure I was at all functions where I knew he'd be in attendance. I forced my way into his circle of friends...one in particular. Felix Volturi. Felix adores Edward. He's older and a genius, he really is. But he's also an asshole. Once I'd found my way into his crowd, it became Felix's mission to bed me, but I only had Edward on my mind of course. I would let Felix feel me up at one end of the bar, but it was Edward, playing darts alone at the other end, that I had in my sights."

"Tanya-"

"I'm not proud of what I did, but it was the only thing I could think to do to get close to Edward. Eventually when it became clear to Felix that I wasn't going to put out, he lost interest and suddenly I became an expert at darts. One drink lasted me all night as I watched him play. Edward was polite. He didn't tell me to fuck off. He let me sit there and watch him. I chatted with the other girls and started showing up at parties where I knew he'd be. One night we got drunk on the couch at our mutual friend Devon's house and talked and laughed all night. I woke up in his bed the next morning."

I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take but I was pretty sure it was borderline inappropriate for an ex-girlfriend to talk so boldly to a current girlfriend. I backed towards the door. An obvious indication that I wanted this uncomfortable talk to end.

"We started dating. At least that's what I told my friends we were doing. Edward never introduced me as his girlfriend. He never asked me to stay over. But he always held the door open for me and paid for everything and told me I looked nice whenever I dressed up for him."

"Tanya, I appreciate you telling me all this but..._Why_ are you telling me this? Are you trying to make me love Edward more than I already do, or are you trying to make me hate him? Please excuse me if I don't understand your intentions."

"The night my -" she stopped short, tears immediately streaming down her ruddy cheeks. "The night Jason attacked me..." She rushed the words out of her mouth to avoid the pain the sound of them caused. "I'd never been hit before. I haven't been with many men but the ones I had been were always good to me. Jason was the first guy I'd been with since Edward."

My stomach rolled. I flushed hot.

"After Edward told me about you, I knew there was no chance for us. It was obvious that he was in love with you and I didn't try to win him back. I cared too much for him to become petty and bitter. Plus, to be frank, I needed a roommate badly. My friend in the ER set me up with Jason. We hit it off immediately. I fell for him fast. Things were going so well, then one night...he...he didn't like pasta...it came out of nowhere...there was blood in my mouth and in my hair and my dress..." She started hiccuping her words and I knew she was back in that moment. I put my arm around her shoulder to ground her, to bring her back, to let her know she was safe, that it was over.

"Edward called an ambulance. He came back for me. I thought it was a sign for us, that we...well I never told him that. I would never pressure him. I knew he still loved you. He talked about you all the time. He wanted to call you but the rules of the trial were so strict. I think he assumed you wouldn't want to be involved with the drama his life had become. You were a new mom and the things they were saying about him were so awful. Bella, they were lying about him!"

"Everything alright in here?" Rose's voice came from the other side of the door. I leapt to open it.

"Yes. We're fine."

"I was just leaving," Tanya said quickly. Rose exited with a smile and a squeeze to my arm and a 'let me know if I need to bust a cap' look on her face.

Tanya stood and moved towards the door.

"I just wanted you to know, Bella, that I would never stand in the way of Edward's happiness. I saw your unease at the dinner table the night we met. I also saw you out in the driveway as you were leaving. Forgive me for spying on your private moment but I admit the loving way he held you made me smile. Honestly. Edward has done so much for me. I never would have made it through...that stuff...without him. He says I don't owe him anything, but I do. Please be good to him. Please be to him what I can't be."

**EPOV**

Her text was simple sweet.

_Happy birthday, babe xoxo_

Then another.

_M's sleeping on me or I'd call_

And one more.

_Going to PA w Ro n Al. Cya tonight._

Another came right after and I laughed out loud knowing Matthew was making it difficult for her to type.

_I luv u madly_

My text was all in one, fingers flying across keys. Stupid grin across my face.

_Until then, dream girl. I love you with all my heart. Top that._

Her last sent me soaring.

_I'm going to try_

Since my heart was already racing I decided to change and head out for a run. I'd been banned from certain parts of the house where I assumed my mother and Tanya were in full-on party decoration mode. Jasper had the kitchen on lock down and the gym, pool area, game room and spa were off limits so I wouldn't be tempted to snoop on the setting up festivities.

Leg muscles burned. Sweat dripped. Lungs filled and exhaled. Faster. The wind on my skin. The pounding of the ground under my feet. Exhilaration. Blue sky dotted with white, I tilted my head up and ran watching birds soar overhead between tall trees. Vibrant colors. Turning corners and down dirt roads, the roads of my youth where I hid from my brother, where I road my bike, where I fell and skinned my knee. My heart thrummed happily in my chest, basking in the exercise demanded of it. I was alone on all sides but filled up within. And happy. And blessed. And. Isabella. My one everything. One truth. One girl. Her. Us. Finally. The words punctuated with each running step I took. Up the hill towards home, the dirt and stones crunching. Her face. Mine. Her heart. Mine. Our life. Together. Family. Finally.

I took a long steaming shower. There were things to take care of. I was worked up in more ways than one. I needed her, wanted her, waited for her, closed my eyes and felt her as I felt myself inside my soapy hand.

Once clean and calm I took my time dressing. I sat with a towel cinched around my waist in the quiet of my room and thought. Looking at myself in the mirror, I stared at my reflection and thought. And knew.

_I'm ready._

...

"Happy birthday, little bro. This gigantic package is for you." Air kisses from Rosalie. Her hand mussing my hair.

"Heavy as fuck, too," Emmett groaned, carrying the large box inside.

"What the hell is it?" I laughed, holding the door for them both.

"Shhhh." She pulled me into a hug. It was nice. She was familiar. She smelled like something expensive and flowery but with a mouth more sailor than sister.

"Where's the eats? This bitch is STAHVIN."

"I haven't been allowed in the kitchen all day. Jasper's crazy. ...Where's Bella?"

"Isn't she here?"

"Would I be asking? I thought she was coming with you and Alice."

"No she left right after...Ohhhh...shit..."

"Oh shit what?"

"K, chill out." She raised a finger. I cocked an eyebrow. "Tanya came by the shop this afternoon. I had some stuff for Bella to try on, these new halters, they're hot...anyway, the bell dinged and in walked Tanya. She took the bus. Can you believe it? I've never been on a bus in my life. She said you didn't know-"

"I didn't," I seethed.

"Don't seethe. She meant no harm. Said she just wanted to talk to Bella."

"Christ, Rose, what did she say to her?"

"They went into the back room and closed the door. I tried to eavesdrop but I couldn't hear anything. That's a good sign, right? No yelling."

The front door opened and Tanya's bedraggled form appeared. Bag in hand. Her makeup smudged. Mascara running under her eyes obviously from crying.

"Where have you been all day? I thought you were helping my mom," I snarled, moving past Rosalie. Tanya cringed in immediate self-defense mode. Scared, shaken by my reaction. I forgot.

"Dammit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell," I said softer, calmer. Her eyes fell to my hands and she sighed.

"The bus took forever. A million stops. I thought I'd be back before you noticed."

"Tell me what you said to Bella."

"All good things." She took her bag from her shoulder. "Girl talk. Good things about you. I'm allowed to talk to her, aren't I? I'm not an asshole out to ruin your life. I thought you knew that." Her eyes quivered in their sockets. She rubbed her hand up her arm.

"You're right. I'm a dick. I was taken off guard. You look...Jesus, Tan, you've been crying."

"That's my business. My tears. My reasons. It's not all about you, y'know. I loved Jason too. I wanted what you have with Bella with him. Let's not do this on your birthday, Eddie. You look very handsome tonight. I'm going to take a shower. I'll be down later." She kissed my cheek. I squeezed her shoulder.

Alone in the hallway, Rose joined me. Cooking smells filled the air. She'd put her long blonde hair up. My sister was very pretty.

"Alice called. She just talked to Bella."

I checked my phone. No calls. A rush of something swept over me.

"And?"

"Matthew's sick. He's running a fever. She's taking him to the hospital."

A blur after that. Kisses and an explanation to my family. Concern creasing their faces. Offers to join me, drive me. No need, I assured them. I'd bring their love and prayers with me.

...

"Chief Swan," I said, the obvious restrained panic in my voice catching him off guard as I rushed through the ER lobby. His eyes were bloodshot and bagged, his jacket askew. His shaking hands quickly stuffed into his pockets.

"How is he? How's Matthew?"

"Doc is in with them now," he answered, jutting his chin in the direction of closed white door. "I watched him all day. He seemed fine to me. But when Bella got back, she knew. She was on the phone and-" He sighed and wiped a hand down his weary face. "Shit. She'll never trust me with him again."

"I'm sure she will, sir." I gave him a weak smile and hoped.

Waiting and pacing and waiting and finally the white door opened and Bella emerged with Matthew in her arms and the doctor behind them talking and handing her a piece of paper. She thanked him and went to the desk where I watched her fill out papers before turning and there was the dazzling smile I dreamt about.

"Ear infection." She said the words walking towards us with a smile. "It's an ear infection." I hugged her close, pressing Matthew between us as she talked with relief into my shoulder.

"I'm not a panicky mom but his temp was a hundred and four. He was lethargic and out of it and crunching up on his left side. He's always happy, always a smile for me even when he's sick. I got scared."

"I know, baby. It's ok. You did the right thing bringing him here. Now he has medicine. He'll be happy again in no time."

She smiled up at me. The best birthday present. Then her smile faded and her brow furrowed sadly.

"Oh Edward. Your birthday. I'm so sorry."

A warm kiss to her lips silenced her nonsense. Slight tongue, gentle nibbles. Two heartbeats thrummed against my own beating wildly and there was nowhere else I'd rather be than anywhere with Bella and her baby.

"What?" she giggled. "Why are you smiling?"

"I dunno." I shrugged. Wasn't it obvious? "No matter where I am. As long as you're there too, I'm happy. Is that ridiculous?"

"Ridiculously sweet. Ridiculously sexy," she purred. Even with commotion swirling around us and her father close by, our bubble was ours, us.

"Thank you for coming. You didn't have to do that. Alice called as I was on my way out the door."

"You weren't picking up your phone. I called a thousand times on the drive over."

"Of course you did," she beamed. "I knew you'd come. You're so predicatable."

"Bad thing?"

She shook her head and pulled her lips inside her mouth. She almost said something else but then motioned for us to go.

...

"It's not much but it's all I could find. Worst birthday ever?" She set the Entenmann's coffee cake with the candle in front of me and lit a match. Matthew squealed with delight at the flame.

"You really should be with your family tonight, Edward. I'm sure they have quite the spread going to waste right now."

"I thought I _was_ with my family?" I placed my hand over hers. Her blush was my answer.

"Make a wish."

I closed my eyes...then opened them and blew out the candle. Bella clapped. Matthew slapped his tray.

"I'd ask what you wished for but I know you won't tell me," she winked, putting the matches away and giving Matthew his second dose of ear drops. He cried for a second and then pouted.

...

She closed the nursery door with a click. We held hands on the short walk across the hall. Then inside her room. Monitor on. Clothes off. No lights, only hands and whispered words. Her buttery skin and bending knees, fingers reaching, pulling me impossibly closer. Our heat mingled. Her short nails dug into my back. Closer. I couldn't be any closer. Pushing her down I nestled between her thighs, her slick wetness in the dark. Her moans and sighs mixed with mine as she tilted her head back and I slipped inside. I rotated, she rocked. We made quiet unhurried love. Her hands everywhere, in my hair, feathery trails down my arms. I tingled under her touch, gently thrusting.

"_Edward_," she hummed, arching upward to place a kiss at my throat. I reached back and bent her knee around the small of my back. She hissed. "God, yes. You know...you always know..."

**BPOV**

He knew how to pace himself so we'd climax together. We slowed into an easy rhythm of giving and taking. Languid kisses while he was inside me. Stuttered breaths and whispers when he pulled out. Never longer than an instant. Never enough. He cupped his hands to the side of my face as he pumped. Tracing the outline of my lips with his thumbs.

"_Bella_." His green eyes blazed as he hovered above me. His strong arms and heavy chest caged me underneath. Blood rushed between my ears, whooshing. The pressure began to boil in the pit of my stomach. I gripped Edward's ass and held him inside.

"Let me feel you like this." He stilled and buried his head in my shoulder with a groan, nodding. He was damp. Slick with our sweat.

"Every time," he panted with a beleaguered laugh. "Every time. I can't last." He pulled out tentatively and pushed back in. I sighed happily.

"So good, Edward. You feel so good. I'm ready."

_I'm ready._

...

"There's my birthday boy!" Esme exclaimed as we entered the Cullen house. She launched herself at Edward. Kisses to his cheeks and forehead. Edward put up with the assault remarkably well. And then the rest of them. Alice and Jasper and Emmett and Rose. Carlisle. And then Tanya. I stood off to the side with Matthew to escape notice while Edward received his praise but was soon noticed.

"Oh Bella, sweetheart." Esme came closer and extended her index finger to Matthew, who grabbed it with glee.

"I'm so sorry to have disrupted Edward's birthday plans last night, Mrs. Cullen."

"Nonsense. Food is always better the second day, dear," she smiled sweetly. "As long as your baby is well, that's all that matters."

"He is, Mrs. Cullen. He's going to be fine."

"And Edward, well, I'm certain he spent his birthday exactly the way he wanted to. With you." She winked and took my hand. We assembled in the kitchen where Jasper was reheating last nights feast.

"Microwaving food goes against everything I believe in as well as my base instincts as a chef," Jasper huffed, setting the timer on the stainless steel appliance. "But Edward's favorite food growing up always was microwaved mac and cheese, so I guess it's appropriate." He pulled Edward into a big hug. Brotherly words exchanged. We ate standing up moving from station to station piling food on our plates. Talking and drinking and laughter filled the room. I saw Tanya on the other side and gave her a smile.

"Time for presents!" Alice clapped. "Everyone in the living room!"

A whirlwind of wrapping paper. More laughter. Edward wearing a pointy hand with an elastic band under his chin. Rosalie taking endless photos. Matthew scrunching bows in his little fist. Then coffee and cake. Carlisle sat at the piano and the room broke into singalong. I wandered into the sunroom to give Edward time with his family. That's a lie. I needed time alone to prepare. To work up my nerve.

"What are you doing in here?" came his silky voice from behind. I held my breath until I felt his heated hands on my bare arms. His chest pressed into my back. His lips fluttered through the hair at my neck. I turned into his embrace, my breath hitching at the sight of him, tall and strong, as though it were the first time I'd ever seen him. Same reaction. Same effect. Amazing.

"Are you having a good time?" I asked, kissing him sweetly, briefly. He hummed, licking his lips.

"I'd be having a better time if you weren't hiding from me."

"I'm not hiding."

"Bella," he challenged, eyebrows raised.

"I - I haven't given you your gift yet."

"Ok," he smiled, moving infinitesimally closer. "Give it to me."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Being this close to Edward always made me dizzy but the nerves alight under my skin only added to my jitters.

"Are you going to make me guess what it is?" he asked softly, his breath fanning across my forehead.

"No."

"Is it in this room?"

"Yes."

"I'm intrigued."

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That you won't like it."

"Impossible."

I reached a trembling hand into the back pocket of my jeans and pulled out the piece of notebook paper, wrinkled and creased from endless folding.

"Sit down with me." Taking his hand I led him to the wicker couch.

"Is that a treasure map?" he chuckled. I didn't.

"Sorry," he backpedaled. "I'm suddenly nervous."

I began before I lost my nerve.

"There's nothing I can give you that you don't already have. No material thing, no piece of music, no book or photo is good enough to explain to you how important you are, how happy you deserve to be on your birthday and every day. And I don't want to hide behind an object to tell you. If it's coming from me, then I should be the one to say it."

"You _are_ the one."

Tears pricked my eyes. I kept going. "I thought, how can I do my part to make Edward's birthday special?"

"_Bella_-"

"The more I thought about it the more I realized it's impossible. _You_ are always going to be_ my_ gift. There's no equivalent of you to give. And I know how you hate it when I get down on myself, when I say or act like I'm not good enough for you..."

He inhaled deeply and held it, exhaling thinly and slowly through his nostrils.

_Here goes._

"So I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to tell you what I should have told you long ago. The truth. That if you'll have me, I'll be yours forever. I'll go anywhere with you. Seattle, Spain. Anywhere. If you ask me to marry you, I'll say yes. You're all I want and I want to stand beside you for the rest of my life."

"_You're my present_," he whispered in humbled understanding. His hands cupped the sides of my face. His thumbs wiped the happy tears from my cheeks.

"I love you so much, Edward."

"_You're my present_," he repeated.

"Yes."

He shook his head in disbelief. "I'm one lucky bastard."

"There's one more thing." I stood and crossed the room to get my bag.

"I know I said there was no one thing I could give you, but I thought you should still have something to open." I handed him a small flat box.

He lifted the top and pulled out the small 5x7 wooden frame. Inside was a photo that at first glance looked like nothing more than a blurry shot of swirled colors, but in the center in perfect focus two people stood side by side, hand in hand, their backs to the camera in a private moment all their own looking up at the fireworks exploding over their heads.

"Alice took it last year. At the carnival."

"Damn," he sighed, running a finger over the glass. "I was so in love with you then."

"And now?"

He took me in his arms and kissed me tenderly. I dug my nails into his shoulder blades and clung to him with everything I had.

"One day, Isabella, I'm going to ask you to be my wife."

* * *

**That might be the end. Not sure, but it might be...**

**Thank you all xoxoo**


	35. Chapter 35

Pimpin' out my fics like a gurl does! TMBW's older sister, Upside Downtown, has been nominated for Fic of the Week over at The Lemonade Stand, ya'll! Please please please go there and show the LURVE and vote for her! How exciting! It'd be the best Crimbo pressie EVAR if she made it!

**tehlemonadestand. net**

Happy holidays to you all and keep on writing in 2013! ~~~~~~~~

FH


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